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Friendzoned is a lie and you should all feel bad for using it
- Thread starter Dixie Flatline
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There was a girl I liked when I was like 17 or 18, and I was friends with her for a few months. I told her I liked her (mind you, she was single, so I wasn't saying anything while she had a boyfriend or anything), and she told me in a roundabout way that she didn't feel the same. I was sad, but it happens. I stopped initiating conversation with her, because I was rejected and it was just going to be awkward. But shortly after, she started dating somebody, and she was apparently unhappy in her relationship. She would talk to me and vent about her boyfriend, and I tried to help her once, giving advice and all that, and and after the second time, I thought to myself, "what am I doing? This is insane. She knows I liked her and she's asking me advice about her boyfriend?"
The stuff in your OP does sound like basically victim-blaming, but I think what happened to me was a form of "friendzoning" that I also hear about sometimes, where you're rejected but then she comes to you for advice and to vent about her relationships to you.
The stuff in your OP does sound like basically victim-blaming, but I think what happened to me was a form of "friendzoning" that I also hear about sometimes, where you're rejected but then she comes to you for advice and to vent about her relationships to you.
Everybody wants a thread to backfire, but the problem is all the threads run on battery power these days
Tell it to me straight, the guy getting eye fucked was way hotter, right? Was your husband also team eye fucked, or does he go for the underdog and was rooting for team self insert?
OP
OP
This is what you should have done.
"Well hopefully you get through it!"
Nothing more, nothing less. If she has any interest in you, you'll find out then.
Way way cuter. The guy she was aiming for was on the same level as her. Natural selection was taking its course but there was an interruption.
I don't know, but I think its the same zone where you eat edibles, have a bad trip and then make a panic thread about it.
OP
OP
To be fair, that would be 95% of relationship/dating threads in this site.
The other 5% would be "BEHOLD! HUMAN STUPIDITY!"
I think I had just ignored her on whatever instant messenger we had often talked on back then, and by that time she wasn't working at the same place I was. I was probably just trying to shield myself from getting emotionally hurt and likely came off as cold/bitter. But I think that's better than trying to continue bugging her or trying to get with her or something and get in situations like you were in.
I was more the type of person to cut off contact. I told my now-wife I liked her and she said she didn't feel the same way (which she later said she was just afraid to be with someone who seemed good after years of bad relationships), and I didn't talk to her for awhile. But then like six months later we started hanging out, and I can't remember how that ended up happening except I think she had initiated it. We started dated a while after that and have now been together for ten years. But I feel like if I had bugged her after the initial rejection, we may not even be together now.
I guess there isn't really an accepted definition of the friend zone. I'd define "someone in the friend zone" as a person who resorts to scheming in order to keep their romantic/sexual desires alive when the other person has told them they're only a friend.
That scheming could be as simple as only maintaining the friendship in the hope that something occurs in the future.
Edit: to clarify, I think there's a difference between "being friends" and "being in the friend zone".
That's a really gross attitude. 'She's shitty but he was asking for it.'
Either emotional manipulation is wrong or it isn't. You don't get to pass the blame to the victim. Also, marvel at the irony of a person who complains about the term freindzone in one post, and then in another is all gung ho to string a person along because the victim should know better.
This sounds more like an unhealthy friendship without any set boundaries. Like you got rejected, continued to be friends, she chose you to confide in about her relationship (kind of inconsiderate of her), and you just... let it happen despite the fact it was clearly bothering you?
The problem with the "friend zone" is that it implies a women "owes you" for your friendship. I have had my share of female friends I had a crush on that was largely unreciprocated, and I've rode them out for Months, sometimes years, before in hopes of something changing. The truth is it never really does, and its way better to be upfront about expectations, honest about whether you really want a friendship or not and how you view women as friends. If your reaction to being shut down by an established friendship is to just be miserable in a friendship because you were rejected, that's not healthy.
It's ok to be disappointed that someone doesn't feel the same way. I know its a lot to unpack but it's a legitimate response to rejection.
Unless you're saying that a friend can never make another friend, even unintentionally, feel bad. In that case, I'm not on that level of woke.
I may not have been clear there, but upon the realization during the second time it happened, I no longer talked to her about that stuff. She got the message that I wasn't interested in talking to her about that stuff in very little time and we just stopped interacting at all.
Thought the thread couldn't get shittier after reading the OP, I was wrong.
Y'all are probably the ones laughing and praising Cardi B for drugging, raping and robbing folks.
Y'all are probably the ones laughing and praising Cardi B for drugging, raping and robbing folks.
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This thread is a fun read, for sure.
About that Busch Gardens Halloween story, damn the girl is so shitty for manipulating the dude, but the dude was also so shitty trying to force things on her in a stupid way, really dunno which was worse. I kinda just felt bad for the girl's boyfriend in the end.
About that Busch Gardens Halloween story, damn the girl is so shitty for manipulating the dude, but the dude was also so shitty trying to force things on her in a stupid way, really dunno which was worse. I kinda just felt bad for the girl's boyfriend in the end.
That's a fair progression of things, I'd avoid using "friend zoned" as a descriptor of what happened there. You went out on a limb with a friend, got shut down, and the friendship kind of naturally fizzled out after the fact.
Girl's boyfriend was probably being texted near-constant updates about how pathetic and thirsty the guy was, though. I don't feel bad for him either.
The last time I was at Busch Gardens for Halloween, they had zombies with chainsaws chase after us across bridges.
I wonder if the thirsty guy was scared.
Even same sex friendships between heterosexuals have power dynamics.
Ever had a friend ask you to help them move? It's not like you wanna do it, but you do it because you care about the friendship.
Ever had a friend that challenges your social barriers and you go along with it because you want to please them?
Ever done drugs because your friends were doing them?
This shit ain't usual...men just don't know how to deal with it when attraction is involved. It's fine if a man has more power in a friendship than another man if they're both straight, but it's not OK for a woman to have more power because then they are "leading the man on" or some other such bullshit.
Friendships in general require give and take, and thus require sacrifice to maintain. So the next time you're fawning over a lady friend who isn't into you, ask yourself whether your own personal desires are more important than the foundation of the friendship.
Gay people somehow find a way to deal with this when they have straight friends.
Women somehow find a way to deal with this when they have male friends.
Why can't straight men find a way to deal with this when they have women friends?
Ever had a friend ask you to help them move? It's not like you wanna do it, but you do it because you care about the friendship.
Ever had a friend that challenges your social barriers and you go along with it because you want to please them?
Ever done drugs because your friends were doing them?
This shit ain't usual...men just don't know how to deal with it when attraction is involved. It's fine if a man has more power in a friendship than another man if they're both straight, but it's not OK for a woman to have more power because then they are "leading the man on" or some other such bullshit.
Friendships in general require give and take, and thus require sacrifice to maintain. So the next time you're fawning over a lady friend who isn't into you, ask yourself whether your own personal desires are more important than the foundation of the friendship.
Gay people somehow find a way to deal with this when they have straight friends.
Women somehow find a way to deal with this when they have male friends.
Why can't straight men find a way to deal with this when they have women friends?
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Power dynamics aren't a problem just because they exist, they are a problem when they are abused.
OP basically stanning for DV while in a thread about the friendzone. Weird shit.
True, trying to start a relationship with someone already in a relationship is pretty shitty behavior, regardless of whether that behavior is being encouraged by the other party or not.
It's more the idea that, "I rejected this friend of mine, but I'm going to continue venting to them about my current relationship, despite knowing they like me." And she did try to do that at least four times (the two that I actually talked to her about with and two or three times after that where I didn't respond). That's what I think of when I hear the term "friend zone." It's having the physical relationship with one person and using your rejected friend for the emotional support. Maybe that's just the incorrect usage of the term. It's not exactly a term I use every day. Honestly, I think the last time I did was back when it happened, a good twelve or thirteen years ago.
thread is a dumpster fire but yeah, don't use the term friendzone. it's really unfriendly.
the situation you described is all fine and good but the term is tainted by people using it as an attack on women for daring to reject men. even my little sister who is just 14 told me about some kid at her school whom she told she only wanted to be friends with and then proceded to call her 15 times that night and text her about how she zoned him.
If you know they are being abused then you should know the dynamics of the relationship aren't in your best interest. You can either change the dynamics or cut it loose.
This comment literally discounts and devalues what domestic violence victims experience. There is a wide gulf of difference between actual abuse and what a portion of this thread is commenting on (and admittedly mocking): it amounts to two shitty people with misaligned interests interacting with each other, while probably already understanding what's going on.
No one in this thread has excused or condoned abuse, whether physical or emotional.
Everyone in this thread has condemned the hypothetical person who strung along the person interested in her.
Letting a thirsty dude buy you a drink, even if you continually lead him on (and this is shitty), is not on the same plane of existence a domestic violence.
It's maddening to compare the two situations.
Ah yes, as the only non-video game nerd on this video game forum, we ask for your advice in these trying times.
So its unwanted person's fault for remaining interested and trying to become more than friends because...? You enable that when you just give vague maybes instead of being honest and tellling them straight up you're not interested. Im not understanding your logic tbh.
Nope.
Most I've said, while consistently calling out the girl's behavior as shitty (and to be fair: it's really shitty), is that I don't feel sorry for the thirsty dude in the story.
This is not condoning emotional abuse.
That's literally not how abuse works though. If it were that easy then no one would ever be the victim of child abuse, domestic violence, or any other form of severe or even minor emotional or physical abuse.
This thread is something, that's for sure.
The "friendzone" is what happens when a guy tries to manipulate a girl by trying to get her to believe he's after friendship when actually what he's after is sex. The guy then at some point reveals his true intention, the girl says "actually I'd just like to be friends", then the guy gets mad and starts muttering about how all women are bitches because he tried and failed to manipulate someone into sleeping with them.
It's not just "I asked someone out, they said they'd rather just be friends". The friendzone concept that the OP alluded to is the term as it is used by shitty PUA types that get scorned when their own attempt at deceit backfires on them. It's a fundamentally toxic concept because it a) projects anger on women for not playing into their deceitful attitudes and b) it implies that there is something wrong with friendships.
What is very interesting to see is how people reveal that they hold some of these very same toxic attitudes towards women when they reveal in other contexts that they feel scorned by a woman's proposition of friendship. On that note, a woman who you once told you were attracted to complained to you about her boyfriend because she naturally assumed that by purporting to be her friend you were her friend.
The "friendzone" is what happens when a guy tries to manipulate a girl by trying to get her to believe he's after friendship when actually what he's after is sex. The guy then at some point reveals his true intention, the girl says "actually I'd just like to be friends", then the guy gets mad and starts muttering about how all women are bitches because he tried and failed to manipulate someone into sleeping with them.
It's not just "I asked someone out, they said they'd rather just be friends". The friendzone concept that the OP alluded to is the term as it is used by shitty PUA types that get scorned when their own attempt at deceit backfires on them. It's a fundamentally toxic concept because it a) projects anger on women for not playing into their deceitful attitudes and b) it implies that there is something wrong with friendships.
What is very interesting to see is how people reveal that they hold some of these very same toxic attitudes towards women when they reveal in other contexts that they feel scorned by a woman's proposition of friendship. On that note, a woman who you once told you were attracted to complained to you about her boyfriend because she naturally assumed that by purporting to be her friend you were her friend.
You say that, but the problem is that people are deploying the same kind of "why doesn't she just leave" logic. Yes, the situation is different, but I'm not seeing why the magnitude of the abuse would have any relationship to the appropriateness of blaming the victim.
This is straight up just victim blaming and it's not the only example in this thread, which I find highly confusing.
I get it.
In the wise words of a friend of mine that I developed a crush on before letting it fade away, "stop trying to date your friends."
In the wise words of a friend of mine that I developed a crush on before letting it fade away, "stop trying to date your friends."
Comparing the "friendzone" to child abuse and domestic violence...you really want to go there?
Read my previous post. Unless you think a man with expectations of a sexual relationship is the "victim" that's not what I'm saying.
(OK, in a thread of non-serious replies, 25% of which are by me, here's a serious take...).
In my mind, the substantial difference is that the "victim" placed himself in this situation. I don't mean by initiating or demonstrating interest -- those are objectively good things, because I firmly believe that it's important to clearly express one's intentions in romantic situations. Rather, I mean that the "victim" kept himself in a certain situation: where he continued to express interest but which wasn't reciprocated.
I concede that the wrinkle here is that the woman in question appeared to lead him on, call him by affectionate names, and give off the appearance to, if not being interested, was not obviously uninterested in being interested (if that makes sense; I think it's decent shorthand here).
Accordingly, he either realizes, or should realize, that this is a long-shot gambit.
I suppose I'm assigning responsibility to him for foolishly continuing to pursue that long-shot gambit when he should realize the contours of the situation and understand the odds.
When I was a teen I probbaly emotionally invested into a girl I was friends with, but I figure that was mostly because they were pretty much the only girl I ever spoke to as an insecure teen.
Cus when I went Uni I started branching out and became friends with loads of girls, like loads. It became simply natural to view women platonically when I had more than one female friend and helped me develop as a person and re-evaluate my views on women and so on, so forth. I started viewing them as individuals, rather than just "girl" which I subconsciously did without realising before.
When I later met that girl from highschool again I began to realise that I don't actually like her that much and I was just projecting onto her.
Now I never considered myself in the "friendzone", nor did I ever get angry or frustrated over it. It was a subconsious thing. But looking back I feel that it's an easy trap for guys to fall into over emotionally investing in a girl who you're just friends with because guys do not share emotions with each other and girls do all the time. And that feels like a form of intimacy when you don't normally have that with your friends.
Cus when I went Uni I started branching out and became friends with loads of girls, like loads. It became simply natural to view women platonically when I had more than one female friend and helped me develop as a person and re-evaluate my views on women and so on, so forth. I started viewing them as individuals, rather than just "girl" which I subconsciously did without realising before.
When I later met that girl from highschool again I began to realise that I don't actually like her that much and I was just projecting onto her.
Now I never considered myself in the "friendzone", nor did I ever get angry or frustrated over it. It was a subconsious thing. But looking back I feel that it's an easy trap for guys to fall into over emotionally investing in a girl who you're just friends with because guys do not share emotions with each other and girls do all the time. And that feels like a form of intimacy when you don't normally have that with your friends.
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