Friendzoned is a lie and you should all feel bad for using it

[Deleted member 11413]

Comparing the "friendzone" to child abuse and domestic violence...you really want to go there?

Click to shrink...

I'm not comparing them at all, I'm responding to what you said. The 'friendzone' does not exist nor is it abusive, it's just one person not being romantically interested in another person. There is nothing abusive about that.

You are the one who said that people in abusive relationships should just somehow know that they are being abused and be able to somehow leave those situations, which is ignorant.

 

[Siggy-P]

Edit: whoops, DP.

 

[PennyStonks]

Accordingly, he either realizes, or should realize, that this is a long-shot gambit.

I suppose I'm assigning responsibility to him for foolishly continuing to pursue that long-shot gambit when he should realize the contours of the situation and understand the odds.

Click to shrink...

The people who fall for this shit are far less socially intelligent than you think they are. You are thinking about some dude with crusty pants and I am thinking about a critically lonely dude

 

[Stinkles]

im so confused

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Yeah wait I thought that if a guy got "friend zoned " it was a girl who had zero romantic interest in an oblivious dude she politely told him NOOOaoAo and he was shamed into either self reflection or appropriate distance. I feel like the op is making a different point but I'm not sure i ever heard a dude thinking it was anything else.

like, he terminally screwed up and the unfortunate victim had to deal with giving him the high hat.

what am I misreading.

 

[Musubi]

Women aren't a monolith. The frienzone doesn't exist for you but one of my best friends since childhood definitely uses guys who she 100% knows she will never give the time of day for favors/gifts/companionship.

She my peoples tho so I don't judge and I see those guys as pathetic. She's does string them a along tho🤷🏿‍♂️.

This October she had a guy take her to Busch Gardens Halloween event thingy because her bf backed out at the last min. She texted me about how the guy was tryna use the trip to escape the friend zone but she wasn't having it. She allowed him to sleep in the same bed as him at the room but made him get a second blanket lol.

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Some guys can be a lot but holy cow this is a shitty thing to do.

 

[Fugu]

Comparing the "friendzone" to child abuse and domestic violence...you really want to go there?

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You invited the comparison by taking talking points straight out of the victim blamer playbook.

Part of the issue with getting people to stop victim blaming is that they think it's contextually appropriate. It's not.

Read my previous post. Unless you think a man with expectations of a sexual relationship is the "victim" that's not what I'm saying.

Click to shrink...

(OK, in a thread of non-serious replies, 25% of which are by me, here's a serious take...).

In my mind, the substantial difference is that the "victim" placed himself in this situation. I don't mean by initiating or demonstrating interest -- those are objectively good things, because I firmly believe that it's important to clearly express one's intentions in romantic situations. Rather, I mean that the "victim" kept himself in a certain situation: where he continued to express interest but which wasn't reciprocated.

I concede that the wrinkle here is that the woman in question appeared to lead him on, call him by affectionate names, and give off the appearance to, if not being interested, was not obviously uninterested in being interested (if that makes sense; I think it's decent shorthand here).

Accordingly, he either realizes, or should realize, that this is a long-shot gambit.

I suppose I'm assigning responsibility to him for foolishly continuing to pursue that long-shot gambit when he should realize the contours of the situation and understand the odds.

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I'm not down with the narrative of portraying this guy as a victim. Frankly, I don't even think it's relevant whether he's a victim or not since it's y'all calling him one, not me.

I just see sentences like "he should've been aware that he was abused and gotten out" and I see that this is textbook victim blaming logic. Similarly, it's not really important whether the victim placed themselves in the situation since that's... also just victim blaming.

 

[LGHT_TRSN]

I'm not comparing them at all, I'm responding to what you said. The 'friendzone' does not exist nor is it abusive, it's just one person not being romantically interested in another person. There is nothing abusive about that.

You are the one who said that people in abusive relationships should just somehow know that they are being abused and be able to somehow leave those situations, which is ignorant.

Click to shrink...

If that's how my post was interpreted then I apologize.

It's the perception of victimization/abuse I'm talking about, which is what "friendzoning" is all about. Ultimately those who believe they've been friendzoned believe themselves to be a victim.

 

[Fugu]

If that's how my post was interpreted then I apologize.

It's the perception of victimization/abuse I'm talking about, which is what "friendzoning" is all about. Ultimately those who believe they've been friendzoned believe themselves to be a victim.

Click to shrink...

This is a useful clarification - ignore my above post

 

[SOBOSLDR]

Sometimes people do flirt back with someone who they know is interested, prolonging that relationship or even forming that relationship, but then for some reason don't go all the way when the other person finally makes a serious move. This rejection is some of the toughest you can experience, because at this point the people have developed a serious friendship as well. Some people handle rejection better then others.

 

[Deleted member 11413]

If that's how my post was interpreted then I apologize.

It's the perception of victimization/abuse I'm talking about, which is what "friendzoning" is all about. Ultimately those who believe they've been friendzoned believe themselves to be a victim.

Click to shrink...

There is not victimization/abuse involved in someone only wanting to be your friend. I have yet to see anyone in this thread claim otherwise, so how was anyone supposed to take your post as anything other than victim blaming abuse victims when you directly referenced abusive power dynamics?

 

[KillLaCam]

The "Why can't you all be normal?" zone exists though

 

[Fugu]

The "Why can't you all be normal?" zone exists though

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Plenty of normal people have shitty attitudes. I'm not convinced that what we're seeing here isn't "normal".

 

[Siggy-P]

The friend zone isn't a lie. I had a very close friend of mine want to get serious with me and I had no interest. I tried to keep it the way it was but she was interested in more even when I made it very clear I was dating other people. Eventually we just stopped being friends because it wasn't going to work out

I worked at the same company as her and basically had to leave my job because of it as well. Well, I started looking for new employment partially because of it.

We stayed "friends" for a superficial period of time and then I was like fuck this and actively avoided her because I was tired of the bull shit. Ended up being some fall out with other friends because of it but I was like... I don't owe romance to someone who I don't like and I'm not interested in.

Click to shrink...

I don't like calling that a friendzone though because that ain't a zone, more like a barrier. "Friendzone" is always used with the implication that it can be moved beyond to an implied next stage.

 

[Ziltoidia 9]

The default should be "friend zone" because if it isn't, then ultimately everyone is going to end up hating each other.

 

[PixelatedProphet]

It's been said before but the sexes have a tendency to view friendly relationships a bit differently. Female friends tend to share emotions with each other whilst male friends tend to share experiences with each other. Guys tend to view the sharing of deep and personal emotions as something that is done within relationships rather than friendships, hence the confusion between the sexes and coining of the term.

One thing I do think that happens is sometimes the way girls have been socialized to have friends is different from guys, and they take what the girl/woman thinks is a friendship gesture as flirtation. I've noticed, at least, women tend to be more physically affectionate and talk about more emotionally intimate things with their friends. This isn't true for men & women 100% of the time, but it does seem to be a trend. So I think some guys take casual hugs and talking about personal issues as 'she is giving me a test run to see if I'm a good boyfriend' while the girl is just acting like she would with any of her gal pals. This is a case of miscommunication and nobody is a bad person here. But, emotionally manipulating someone shouldn't be called "friendzoning" them because that is not friendly behaviour in the least. I also don't like the term because it's so amorphous.

 

[Jeffolation]

If you're both oblivious enough and have no self esteem you can reside in the stunned zone, where you don't notice people hitting on you and you have no confidence to initiate with others. There are generally no problems.

 

[LGHT_TRSN]

There is not victimization/abuse involved in someone only wanting to be your friend. I have yet to see anyone in this thread claim otherwise, so how was anyone supposed to take your post as anything other than victim blaming abuse victims when you directly referenced abusive power dynamics?

Click to shrink...

I thought my post was clear in making the point that power dynamics exist in all friendships and that it seems only straight men feel victimized when those power dynamics aren't in their favor when it comes to women. I'm not comparing them to an abusive relationship, I'm mocking them for believing that comparison is remotely warranted.

Sorry if my post was at all ambiguous as that was not my intention.

 

[SageShinigami]

My response to guys who mention the friend zone these days is to say the thing women can't/wont: she's not physically attracted to you, bro. That's what it means, that's what it's always meant. Take the L and move on.

Having said that, no I do not feel sorry for the girl OP mentioned. She'll see that guy again, and dudes are thirsty af.

 

[Buzzman]

This comment literally discounts and devalues what domestic violence victims experience. There is a wide gulf of difference between actual abuse and what a portion of this thread is commenting on (and admittedly mocking):

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I can speak for myself, thanks. The specific scenario may be different but that reasoning is the exact same fucking garbage I've heard for years from people trying to downplay abuse.

In my mind, the substantial difference is that the "victim" placed himself in this situation. I don't mean by initiating or demonstrating interest -- those are objectively good things, because I firmly believe that it's important to clearly express one's intentions in romantic situations. Rather, I mean that the "victim" kept himself in a certain situation: where he continued to express interest but which wasn't reciprocated.

Click to shrink...

Like a person staying in a relationship even while fearing for their life? Some could argue that physical violence should be clear evidence of nonreciprocity. But somehow we've learned not to laugh at those people and call them stupid.

 

[Deleted member 11413]

I thought my post was clear in making the point that power dynamics exist in all friendships and that it seems only straight men feel victimized when those power dynamics aren't in their favor when it comes to women. I'm not comparing them to an abusive relationship, I'm mocking them for believing that comparison is remotely warranted.

Sorry if my post was at all ambiguous as that was not my intention.

Click to shrink...

Yeah that wasn't clear at all. That's why I even replied to you differentiating between power dynamics without abuse vs. power dynamics with abusive behavior...which you then replied and said people should just leave if the behavior is abusive. I think you meant "if they think non-abusive behavior is abusive" after this exchange but that's not what you said and that meaning was not at all clear from your post.

I think I understand what you intended now, but you might wanna go back and edit that post to clarify because I can see it getting quoted to hell and back because the obvious implication of it is pretty bad.

 

[sphagnum]

What about the p-zone

 

[Tzarscream]

grandpasimpson.gif

There's a lot going on here.

 

[subpar spatula]

What about the p-zone

Click to shrink...

mine is essentially a 14 inch radius around me.

 

[balgajo]

I feel for you and your past experiences OP. If was in your place I would probably feel the same. I'm a bit shy and when I was a teenager and I knew that some girl liked me and it wasn't reciprocal I avoided them the best I could fearing an awkward situation. Don't even know how I'd deal with it with a close friend. My wife is quite the opposite. We were friends in high school and she was the only girl in the middle of a bunch of men. Most of them had a crush on her but she always dealt fine with this and mantaining the friendship even after being very honest when rejecting them. To the point we are close friends until today, 15 years later.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

What even is the definition of friendzone?

I don't even know what half the thread is arguing about.

 

[TheGhost]

I've been put in one when I was like 18, I didn't like it, it wasn't until I put several girls in the friendzone that I realised how annoying I was when I was young and never acted that way again.

As in not take the hint, I'll still quarantine people to non sexual zones if I'm not attracted to them in the nicest way possible

 

[Raxus]

This whole thread is just yikes.

Friendzoning is absolutely a thing. I've accidentally done it. Just be blunt with the person and cut that shit out early. 'Subtle hints' are exactly that.

Guys AND girls can be pieces of shit people. Don't be afraid to call people out on stringing people along.

 

[Deleted member 11413]

What even is the definition of friendzone?

I don't even know what half the thread is arguing about.

Click to shrink...

Mainly about a specific situation someone else posted in which a woman he's friends with is feigning romantic interest with another man so he will buy her things and take her places while she's in a relationship with someone else.

 

[StallionDan]

This is a 90s concept. I believe it was actually coined by Friends.

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Nah it was used in at least the 80s, though Friends for sure popularised the term to a whole new level.

But it got the situation wrong!

It used to be a term for when a guy liked a girl and she knew it, but rather than tell him she had no interest strung him along doing friend(zone) things for her own benefit while making him think he would be more than friends if he kept it up. Was a nice way of calling someone a user.

The Friends version was once you're friends with a girl you're stuck just being a friend.

 

[M. Wallace]

Fuck zone is best

 

[El Bombastico]

What about the p-zone

Click to shrink...

Fuck the P-Zone, and fuck the Friend Zone.

Lets all go to the R-ZONE!!!

 

[Stranger Things]

Wow. So many mixed opinions on what being "friend-zoned" even is LOL.

IMO:

Being "friend-zoned" is when a guy/girl (you secretly-romantically like) says something like : "You're like a brother/sister to me" OR "You're my best guy/girl-friend". The real fault of this relationship is YOU. Why? Because you kept your romantic side a secret for weeks, months, maybe even years. You never let him/her know that you have romantic feelings for him/her in the first place, right from the get-go. You met somewhere for the first time, hung out a couple times afterwards, and then continued "hanging out" and being his/her friend, pal, etc. instead of asking him/her out on a romantic dinner date. So, he/she let you be the "brother/sister" or "best guy/girl-friend" he/she never had. I think that's the root of what embodies a "friendzoned" relationship between a guy and girl.

Side note :

The whole "making him/her pay for my dinners then forcing him/her to sleep on the couch" thing is just so bizarre. That is more-so manipulation. If a man/woman does this to you, he/she is NOT your "friend". He/she is just using you for personal and selfish gain. A stroke of ones ego. Not a good thing at all. Shouldn't even be recognized as "friend-zoning" IMO. Just pure evil.

 

[dark_prinny]

In love every hole is a trench.

 

[Yoshimitsu126]

But my sisters told me its better to be friends with someone first to see if there's something more than physical attraction and then ask them out.

Oh well, I'm just gonna get a dog when I get my own place and hang out with friends.

 

[dark_prinny]

Friend zone has always been a stupid term since friendship, real friendship, is a purest and best sentiment than physical attraction and even love. By a huge margin.

 

[VeePs]

Friend zone is real. How do I know? I've put folks in the friend zone. Sorry, I don't see you that way.

It's also possible to get out of the friend zone. How do I know? I've done it. We are now engaged and the wedding is next year. None of y'all are invited, except maybe Smurf

 

[Deleted member 48434]

As someone on the spectrum I honestly have no sympathy for someone who refuses to be forward about not liking someone (unless you have reason to believe they could get aggressive.)

 

[NoRéN]

Agreed. Had some women try to ruin me just because I "friendzoned" them. Not fun.

 

[TheMango55]

IMO:

Being "friend-zoned" is when a guy/girl (you secretly-romantically like) says something like : "You're like a brother/sister to me" OR "You're my best guy/girl-friend". The real fault of this relationship is YOU. Why? Because you kept your romantic side a secret for weeks, months, maybe even years. You never let him/her know that you have romantic feelings for him/her in the first place, right from the get-go. You met somewhere for the first time, hung out a couple times afterwards, and then continued "hanging out" and being his/her friend, pal, etc. instead of asking him/her out on a romantic dinner date. So, he/she let you be the "brother/sister" or "best guy/girl-friend" he/she never had. I think that's the root of what embodies a "friendzoned" relationship between a guy and girl.

Click to shrink...

This is just unrequited attraction. Happens to literally everyone.

Not really the same as the generally accepted concept of "friendzone"

 

[RPGam3r]

I've been told that I've friend-zoned girls/women (different ages/times) before. One time by a friend decades after the fact, which I had forgotten, but she remembered quite clearly. She mentioned how it was hard just being friends from time to time.

I'm not sure why people keep saying it doesn't exist, but then turnaround with a longer sentence/paragraph that basically can be summed up with saying friend-zone.

 

[perfectchaos007]

I used to believe in the "friendzone" term, but later came to the realization that it was just my coping mechanism for rejection. It was hard to come to terms with but hey, I'm now better for it. I also no longer get "led on" because as soon as I know I'm into someone I'll communicate with them how I feel to see if it's being reciprocated or not. If it's not, then i'll either pursue friendship or move on.

 

[PaulloDEC]

Doesn't the term "friendzone" just derive from the cliche "Let's just be friends/I see you as a friend" rejection?

So in other words, being friendzoned just means being rejected romantically. Which happens to basically everyone who ever dates.

 

[Deleted member 48897]

the only person I believe can get through the friend zone is sonic the hedgehog

 

[subpar spatula]

the only person I believe can get through the friend zone is sonic the hedgehog

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can he outrun rejection?

 

[PennyStonks]

can he outrun rejection?

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Sonic doesn't outrun rejection, he speedruns it.

 

[KimiNewt]

What even is the definition of friendzone?

I don't even know what half the thread is arguing about.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, I was under the impression that it just means they aren't into you as a romantic interest but okay with being friends.

It seems that some of the people here are familiar with a more nefarious version wherein the friendzoning side is aware and actively using the other party. I don't think that's the usual interpretation.

 

[golguin]

Why is there an insistence to deny terms that society has decided to use to describe certain situations? A person's belief that a certain situation doesn't exist won't suddenly make the population stop acting within the terms of what people describe as the friend zone.

 

[mxbison]

friendzoning is definitely not a lie, that obviously doesn't mean it always applies....

 

[Wackamole]

Haha. Yes some people are horrible at taking hints or comprehensive listening.
But you can also choose to be clear instead of giving "hints".
Combine that with the average male ego and you get things like this.

It's sad that you have to be careful being nice to a man.

On the plus side: us men fall so pathetically hard in love that the number of great love-songs and poems is insane :p
It's mostly guys afraid to tell you they're smitten with you.

Anyway, you girls aren't much better. We're all human and we're all mammals. Desperate for love and the reproduction of genes.

Raise your son well, if you ever get one. A lot of people raise their son as the prince of the castle. A sun-king in the making. That's not fair to them (as they will need to live up to that) and it's not nice for the the rest of the world to have another huge ego to deal with.

She's just trying to see how far she can go before breaking him. He is her experiment. It's shitty of her but the guy is too gullible to feel bad for.

Click to shrink...

Yeah that's nasty. Shame.

 

[Afrikan]

Edit- nevermind.

Nothing wrong with making friends. It can be looked as networking. Stay true to yourself...be nice.. be respectful... He/She might have another friend or colleague that might show interest in your genuineness.