Era, I probably am going to have to kill myself soon, and I'm terrified, but I have to. Love

[Garlador]

OP, you may feel alone. Overwhelmed. It's like drowning.

But you aren't. I've been to counseling with so many people who felt like they were caught in a self-destructive spiral without any escape, but that wasn't the case.

You're in a storm right now, and a bad one. People in the storms often can't see where the clouds break and the sun shines through. They can't imagine the waters growing calm and the path forward going smooth, because they're in the midst of the storm. But the storm WILL break. I can promise you that.

There are people - obviously even many HERE - eager to reach out and not just listen to you but to help you.

 

[JPLC]

Please, live. Please.

Nothing in life is unchangeable. You have plenty of time. There is always time.

Please, live.

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

I finished school with $45,000 in debt. It sucks, but it's manageable. Even then, 4 years of school without worrying about working a shitty job versus forever dead now seems like a pretty good deal to me. Death is always there, it's not going anywhere. It's life that you only get one shot at.

 

[random_polymath]

Life is suffering. To live is to suffer. But you only get one life, only a single bite of the apple, once it is gone it is gone and you can never tell the future. You cannot honestly say with a straight face that at 28, you won't have a single good day after today. To commit suicide now would be to make that incredibly arrogant assumption, which I can tell you right now is a false assumption. You will have another good day and you should always live another day in order to reach it.

To be brutally honest, you cannot claim that you tried being 28 years old. Tell me that with a straight face when you are 60.

 

[onadesertedisland]

I used to struggle with this. And the thing that made it better was not trying to avoid thinking about it or anything else. It was the fact that if I didn't try other things, I couldn't ever find out if they might have worked. And... in the back of my head, I always could fall back on the other thing... But, you do the other thing, and that's it. There's no evidence that we get another shot. You can always kick that can down the road. That's what I'd like to ask you to do. Kick the can down the road. Emotional decisions are rarely the best.

 

[Orb]

If you are not seeing improvement by seeing a therapist / counselor / psychiatrist, you are probably seeing the wrong person. Not every therapist is good, and not all are good for every type of person or case. I would suggest seeking out someone else if you can.

 

[onadesertedisland]

And I can share with you, that nearly twenty years after my darkest moments. I'm a dad. With a daughter.

 

[Violence Jack]

Don't give up. Don't ever give up on yourself. I say this as someone who also tried to commit suicide during Christmas about 6 years ago. I saw no other way out. I struggled to hold on, but I did and came through it to have a family while having a successful career. You only get one life, not a reset button. Don't waste it because you're in a tough spot. You can get through it, and there are people who will help you. I promise.

 

[onadesertedisland]

This website helped me https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

 

[Professor RAWR]

OP.... I can relate... I also work in the restaurant industry too and it's DEPRESSING...

It sucks... it really is. Living paycheck to paycheck, tons of stress, no raise, tons of overtime, force to work in holidays, etc. I've had coworkers who have "rage quit" and completely perused other careers. I've rage quit too... but came back because it's so hard to find another job where I live. I have a feeling one of my coworkers will rage quit soon too.

Please don't leave. I highly advise you need to push yourself and look for another career and that's what i'm doing atm. Don't do this... it will definitely affect your brother for the rest of life. It's not going to be easy...Look for new hobbies, something you're interested.. anything. Again, think about your little brother.

 

[Akira86]

Everyone has been wonderful. Thank you. I have a mile long list of sob stories myself.


I would have to take out massive loans to cover my tuition. I would be looking out taking fifty thousand.

12,000 a year for housing, plus for food. So maybe I would have to take a fifty thousand loan.

Once I complete undergraduate I could live on campus.

I have been given no indication I will be fired. I simply can't mentally and physically continue to do the job. I'm on the verge of breaking down and it will happen as it always does.


I have taken to cutting myself again each day to get through the pain of the job.

I'm so scared.

I won't c all the hotline as I used to call them everyday.
It doesn't help.

Click to shrink...

When you say you have talked to your therapist about this, they don't have anything to say? There is always a way, the trick is to live long enough to find it. You need to have 50K to go to school? There are ways to get there, but you need to trade the fear and sadness for hope and inspiration. you still have dreams it seems like, so don't give up, and don't look at tomorrow with despair.

 

[Rotkehle]

There is always the possibility to move on and start over. I hope you won't kill yourselve. Please get help.

 

[onadesertedisland]

Another good thing to do is if you can, and I ask that you try, is to be around someone. You need to be around someone, anyone, right now. Do not stay by yourself right now. You need companionship, even if it's simply sitting in the same room. Solitude makes your mind dwell.

 

[ActWan]

There is always hope OP. Please don't do it.

 

[Deleted member 24907]

There's some...bad advice in this thread. People, stop guilting OP for "leaving his brother behind". This isn't about OP's brother, this is about OP.

Have you tried other therapists? It can take a long time and many therapists before you find the right one for you. Same goes for antidepressants. What works for someone may not work for the next person at all and vice versa. Hell, if it's the wrong combination of therapist + medication it may even make things worse.

 

[Viceratops]

OP, please don't go. Your choice will effect the many people that care about you in irreparable ways. I'm sorry your life is so difficult and that there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel but this isn't the answer. Suicide only ends your chances of making it better.

Look at all the people here who care about your well being without even knowing you. Please reconsider your decision. Think of your family and your friends. They will be so miserable with you gone. Don't let your relationships with them go.

Your life matters.

 

[m0dus]

Adding my voice to everyone else's. Stay strong, and please don't try to take your life. Seek out help now, via any of the wonderful resources your fellow posters have provided.

 

[Filipus]

OP what is stopping you from taking those loans? Yes, they are terrible but you will have so much more opportunities after. Don't give up, you have so much to still experience.

It's also important to understand how anxiety, depression and other problems work. Many times you will have strong episodes but it's important to not make any decision in the moment. Call the hotlines. You may feel they don't help but you are still here. Don't leave us OP

 

[Slixshot]

We are all here for you. Please stay strong.

 

[JaseMath]

Do not do this. You can't cheat death, OP, but you can cheat death in life. Things might seem insurmountable now, but sometimes all it takes is a single day to change everything.

 

[Ketkat]

Everyone has been wonderful. Thank you. I have a mile long list of sob stories myself.


I would have to take out massive loans to cover my tuition. I would be looking out taking fifty thousand.

12,000 a year for housing, plus for food. So maybe I would have to take a fifty thousand loan.

Once I complete undergraduate I could live on campus.

I have been given no indication I will be fired. I simply can't mentally and physically continue to do the job. I'm on the verge of breaking down and it will happen as it always does.


I have taken to cutting myself again each day to get through the pain of the job.

I'm so scared.

I won't c all the hotline as I used to call them everyday.
It doesn't help.

Click to shrink...

While a $50,000 loan can seem a bit daunting, it's still an option that might be available to you. It might take a bit to pay off, but if it leads to a better paying job that makes you feel better about yourself, I think it's worth considering. Have you tried looking into any cheaper alternatives available to you? For instance, are there other schools that you could look at for both tuition costs or cost of living?

It's understandable to feel scared in your situation and I do understand all too well that desire to self-harm when we're feeling down, but would you be willing to look through this list and try some of these out the next time that you feel those urges to self-harm? http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads/Distractions.pdf

It might take a little bit to find one that works for you, but please don't feel discouraged. We're here to help you find what works for you.

 

[theusedversion]

You can join the Air Force up until age 38 I believe. They will pay for your education after you leave.

 

[CurseVox]

I believe in you OP. I believe that not only can you survive and get through this, but you can also be happy. Please don't give up on yourself. It is worth worth the battle. Please believe that. :(

 

[CurseVox]

You can join the Air Force up until age 38 I believe. They will pay for your education after you leave.

Click to shrink...

This. There is always a way. You just have to focus.

 

[Username1198]

Everyone has been wonderful. Thank you. I have a mile long list of sob stories myself.


I would have to take out massive loans to cover my tuition. I would be looking out taking fifty thousand.

12,000 a year for housing, plus for food. So maybe I would have to take a fifty thousand loan.

Once I complete undergraduate I could live on campus.

I have been given no indication I will be fired. I simply can't mentally and physically continue to do the job. I'm on the verge of breaking down and it will happen as it always does.


I have taken to cutting myself again each day to get through the pain of the job.

I'm so scared.

I won't c all the hotline as I used to call them everyday.
It doesn't help.

Click to shrink...

Thanks for replying!

You mentioned seeing a therapist, was it not working? have you tried finding a new one? My brother had problems with his, found a new one and is now doing much better.

Also, how about looking for a new job? Can you apply for grants or some other form of help to pay for school? And it's good that you are setting goals. It will keep you busy.

Again, glad to see you posting. Feel free to vent and ask questions, please we are here to help you.

 

[Mahonay]

We love you dude. Keep coming back. We're pulling for you.

 

[YellowBara]

4 years after nearly doing the same for the same reasons I now have the job of my dreams, countless wonderful experiences to share, the best relationship with family and friends, and a positive outlook on life. It's a lot of work, and takes a lot of strength but you can pull out of the hole you're in and see the brightness of the world again.

It gets better, I can promise that. Please don't go. If you need anyone to talk to, please PM me, I'd be happy to do my best to help you.

 

[Z-Beat]

Don't do it, OP. There's never 0 ways of getting through something. You just need to give yourself some time.

 

[Deleted member 13645]

Everyone has been wonderful. Thank you. I have a mile long list of sob stories myself.


I would have to take out massive loans to cover my tuition. I would be looking out taking fifty thousand.

12,000 a year for housing, plus for food. So maybe I would have to take a fifty thousand loan.

Click to shrink...

For what it's worth, when all was said and done my university loans were more than $50k. I don't know what career you were planning on, but my loan isn't that horrible to pay back, it just takes a bit of budgeting, and it's not like i'm making some crazy salary, i'm average for a new person to my field. That loan seems like a lot of money (and it is!) but it's not some impossible to pay back thing, it'd just take a bit.

 

[EndlessNever]

Life can be pretty shit sometimes, honestly. But what most people will tell you is, although it seems every one around you is having a fantastic life with great circumstances, and earning a great wage, but that is such a tiny window into their life. Every single person goes through hardship and tough times. Life at times can seem not worth living. I've thought that before, and when it is all weighing down on you in one go, it is near impossible to see any positivity from anywhere. But there is always a shinning light somewhere in your sky, you just haven't spotted it yet. Your life might seem worthless, but to brother in particular, your life is everything.

Everything is up against you right now OP, we can agree on that and it's terrible. But defy those odds.

You can do it. If not for yourself, for your brother.

 

[Geeko]

OP, please continue to talk with us. We will be happy to help you any way we can. This community does a fantastic job of helping others in need, so please Let us help you find some comfort in life.

I just want you to know that the world is much better with you a part of it.

 

[Gray clouds]

Everyone has been wonderful. Thank you. I have a mile long list of sob stories myself.


I would have to take out massive loans to cover my tuition. I would be looking out taking fifty thousand.

12,000 a year for housing, plus for food. So maybe I would have to take a fifty thousand loan.

Once I complete undergraduate I could live on campus.

I have been given no indication I will be fired. I simply can't mentally and physically continue to do the job. I'm on the verge of breaking down and it will happen as it always does.


I have taken to cutting myself again each day to get through the pain of the job.

I'm so scared.

I won't c all the hotline as I used to call them everyday.
It doesn't help.

Click to shrink...

I think school would be great for you.

You managed an overloaded class schedule while working and still made good grades during your first college semester. That's impressive.

Also if you've written or are writing a book, that's a huge and awesome accomplishment.

If writing is your thing, I say reward yourself and go be around some other writers on campus.

Living on campus could be really cool too. Get some roommates that will play some games or see some movies with you. Or at least give you some company when you're lonely.

As for your job situation, I say hit up the college career section and start applying for student positions or anything that interests you. Take time to visit the career center at your nearby university/community college and just chat with an advisor. They might have a job opportunity for you.

In my experience, working at a college is awesome. Lots of young people like yourself and you might also land something really chill.

Sign up for financial aid and talk with an advisor at the college. If you're making awesome grades like you've done so far, you'll probably qualify for scholarships and grants that you won't have to pay back. There may even be loan forgiveness options for you.

 

[Dalek]

Op I'm sorry to hear you're feeling hopeless. If you feel stuck in your industry, I understand because I did too for many years. The only way out is to find a niche and train yourself. I can make a recommendation if you'd like.

I'm a Salesforce Administrator. There is a big industry for this Role as Salesforce as a product gets bigger and bigger-any company that implements Salesforce is going to most likely need someone internally to manage it for them.

Salesforce has created an entire site called Trailhead that is free for anyone to use. Salesforce is a massive application-but this site breaks down each feature and product by a "Trail". Sign up for a free Trailhead account and then just start learning the basics. It gives you a free Salesforce instance to learn with.

"Trails" are basically learning paths where you build your knowledge, take tests and earn badges.

Start with Admin Beginner
Then Admin Intermediate
Then Admin Advanced.

Feel free to explore and take as many others as you want-but with that path complete you should be able to take the Salesforce Administrator certification exam. There is a cost to this exam, but if you look around there are plenty of study guides. After that if you choose, there are more certification exams, like the Advanced Admin or Developer certs. Keep in mind that these are necessarily needed to get a Admin job, but if you don't have prior experience, they will definitely help.

When you have this certification you should be able to get a job as a Salesforce Admin, or at least get your foot in the door. There is a community at https://success.salesforce.com/?lang=en_US that posts jobs for Salesforce Admins and you can always go to a Recruiter like Mason Frank with your resume and certification(s) and they can be on the lookout for job postings.

I didn't start this path in my life until I was 31-and that was 10 years ago-so it's definitely possible. If you decide to go this route and study with Trailhead, you can feel free to send me a message if you have any questions and I can help you with any resources or answers that I can.

edit: There is a really great blog called sfdc99.com that covers a ton of helpful things-but that link there has tips on how to pass each certification. I've been using this to et my own certs built up.

 

[Deleted member 11413]

Everyone has been wonderful. Thank you. I have a mile long list of sob stories myself.


I would have to take out massive loans to cover my tuition. I would be looking out taking fifty thousand.

12,000 a year for housing, plus for food. So maybe I would have to take a fifty thousand loan.

Once I complete undergraduate I could live on campus.

I have been given no indication I will be fired. I simply can't mentally and physically continue to do the job. I'm on the verge of breaking down and it will happen as it always does.


I have taken to cutting myself again each day to get through the pain of the job.

I'm so scared.

I won't c all the hotline as I used to call them everyday.
It doesn't help.

Click to shrink...

Please do not kill yourself. The loans may seem daunting but it's the best type of loan you could take, it's an investment in your future. You can clearly handle school, you had good grades while working already, you wont waste the opportunity.

I urge you not to engage in self harm either, but please do not end your life.

 

[Mahonay]

Something I would like to add...

OP, I'm currently in the midst of turning my life around. I'm 32. My life was shit and every aspect of my life completely fell apart. I got to the point of wanting to kill myself. I thought about it constantly.

I would not have had the chance that I'm having now to hit the reset button and have a fresh start if I had actually gone through with it. Sure, some days are still shitty and I feel terrible again. But the next day will bring something for me to smile about .

You're very young. You absolutely have to give yourself a chance. You will not regret it. You'll get past losing your job and even not being able to continue your current schooling. There's no one way to go about life. Make your own path. You can do it.

 

[Deleted member 3925]

Please don't do it man. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time, but I believe you can get through this and find the help you need. We're all here for you.

 

[BillyD]

Buddy, you're in a bad situation, so just look into taking out those student loans and going to school. Find something you're actually interested in, watch the student job postings like a hawk, and just relax as a student for a little while. You'll be okay.

 

[Pomerlaw]

Don't give up OP!
Have you tried magnetic therapy for your PTSD? There are discoveries being made, there is hope for the future!

 

[Thordinson]

Everyone has been wonderful. Thank you. I have a mile long list of sob stories myself.


I would have to take out massive loans to cover my tuition. I would be looking out taking fifty thousand.

12,000 a year for housing, plus for food. So maybe I would have to take a fifty thousand loan.

Once I complete undergraduate I could live on campus.

I have been given no indication I will be fired. I simply can't mentally and physically continue to do the job. I'm on the verge of breaking down and it will happen as it always does.


I have taken to cutting myself again each day to get through the pain of the job.

I'm so scared.

I won't c all the hotline as I used to call them everyday.
It doesn't help.

Click to shrink...

Please don't do this. You are loved.

I'm staring down some massive loans myself. I don't know what it's like to be homeless but I've always struggled with money, mental health, and motivation. I was a high school drop out. I've nearly attempted suicide and have seriously considered entering an inpatient mental health program. I've begun turning my life around. I'm 29 and I'm about to graduate with a Bachelor's next year. Something that I never thought would be possible. Things can absolutely turn around.

I'm here if you need anything. PM me.

 

[Forerunner]

You got this far, you can't quit now.

Life is a bit strange. To live is to suffer. It doesn't matter who you are or how good they have it, they still suffer. However, as far as we know, this is your one shot to live. So you don't want to cut it short. You have eternity to not exist, however you only have finite time to live. So, make the most of it. Also, a life without challenge isn't a life worth living. These are the moments you'll look back on and know you're a stronger person because of them. Then one day you'll be able to help someone going through a rough period because you've been through it yourself.

Don't give up, there is a lot to live for.

 

[Dave]

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
800-273-TALK (8255)
800-799-4TTY (4889)
http://www.crisischat.org/chat

Please, do not do something that will leave at least one other person feeling absolutely broken. It is not worth it. My best friends Dad committed suicide around 14 months ago and I cannot fathom going through what he went through and continues to go through today. Please, please, please seek help and advice from family, friends or a professional. Do not be afraid to talk to somebody, life is worth living. God bless.

 

[Lelouch0612]

Don't give up OP !

I feel like school is tailored for you, you need to take the leap and bet on you with this loan.

I can assure you that you'll be able to overcome this. It is worth it !

 

[Scottify]

Life is worth living OP even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment. I think the old cliche, It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn is apt. It may feel dark and hopeless but there is love and light out there for you and you will find it. You're young and being patient at that age isn't always easy but down the line you'll be glad you were. Please, please don't do it! Things will get better, they will.

 

[ResetGreyWolf]

Everyone has been wonderful. Thank you. I have a mile long list of sob stories myself.


I would have to take out massive loans to cover my tuition. I would be looking out taking fifty thousand.

12,000 a year for housing, plus for food. So maybe I would have to take a fifty thousand loan.

Once I complete undergraduate I could live on campus.

I have been given no indication I will be fired. I simply can't mentally and physically continue to do the job. I'm on the verge of breaking down and it will happen as it always does.


I have taken to cutting myself again each day to get through the pain of the job.

I'm so scared.

I won't c all the hotline as I used to call them everyday.
It doesn't help.

Click to shrink...

Take the loan and follow your dreams. It's an investment in yourself, and after your education you'll be able to land a solid job and pay the loan back, slowly. I've got massive student loans myself, and that's alright, they enabled me to become what I wanted to become.

You have nothing to lose. Get that education and build a strong future for yourself, my brother

 

[Atom Heart Mother]

Passed five classes while working part time? Shit man you're smarter than me

 

[Xeno]

LexingtonKruger

Is there an issue that is preventing you from military service? It doesn't cost money to enlist, and some branches may give you a signing bonus depending on what job you choose.

All branches offer opportunities to get educated, so if there's nothing medically preventing you from pursuing the military, it may be a good option for you.

You have options, and you're still young. Don't give up yet.

 

[KoopaTheCasual]

Please.

Think of your brother, and how much you love him.

Use it to anchor your thoughts.

 

[DigitalOp]

If you can't fight for yourself anymore, then fight for your brother.

He needs you.

Much love

 

[ResilientBanana]

Suicide is not the answer to a difficult life. You sound like an intelligent fellow with you and your family to live for, why leave your brother alone to face the world on his own? Call the hotline and get yourself together, there is more to life than misery even though the answers aren't always at your feet. Don't give up.

 

[Maligna]

Everyone has been wonderful. Thank you. I have a mile long list of sob stories myself.


I would have to take out massive loans to cover my tuition. I would be looking out taking fifty thousand.

12,000 a year for housing, plus for food. So maybe I would have to take a fifty thousand loan.

Once I complete undergraduate I could live on campus.

I have been given no indication I will be fired. I simply can't mentally and physically continue to do the job. I'm on the verge of breaking down and it will happen as it always does.


I have taken to cutting myself again each day to get through the pain of the job.

I'm so scared.

I won't c all the hotline as I used to call them everyday.
It doesn't help.

Click to shrink...

If your main worry is money, can I suggest applying at Costco? You can make ridiculous money there just being a cashier. Not sure how it compares to where you are now though.