Again, I explicitly said in an earlier posts that an event like that could cause trauma. I'm just saying no one here is in a position to assert she was traumatised when as far as we know she didn't even use that language.
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So my girlfriend just had a screaming fit at me in front of a large group of strangers and I'm kind of ticked off
- Thread starter ToddBonzalez
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Again, I explicitly said in an earlier posts that an event like that could cause trauma. I'm just saying no one here is in a position to assert she was traumatised when as far as we know she didn't even use that language.
Yeeeeaah, if I was at a concert with my wife and we got separated, we would both be making efforts to find each other one way or another.
Enjoying the event together should be the whole idea of the thing, especially if you're inviting someone to a show.
"Oh well, we got separated. Too bad. I'll hopefully find her after the show. Maybe" is a bit of a strange way to think about things imo.
If you were going to enjoy the show separately from then on, that was a decision for you both to make, not for you to decide for the both of you.
So shes right when she says you didn't consider her feelings, because you didnt include her thoughts or feelings when you made that decision.
It felt right/okay to you and you alone, and that's all you believed to be the required consideration on the topic.
Wait for the stubborn feelings of feeling publicly berated/humiliated by a person who you basically abandoned and think about whether you really did consider her feelings and whether you really did care about her in the moment or if your enjoyment took priority over what should have been done.
Enjoying the event together should be the whole idea of the thing, especially if you're inviting someone to a show.
"Oh well, we got separated. Too bad. I'll hopefully find her after the show. Maybe" is a bit of a strange way to think about things imo.
If you were going to enjoy the show separately from then on, that was a decision for you both to make, not for you to decide for the both of you.
So shes right when she says you didn't consider her feelings, because you didnt include her thoughts or feelings when you made that decision.
It felt right/okay to you and you alone, and that's all you believed to be the required consideration on the topic.
Wait for the stubborn feelings of feeling publicly berated/humiliated by a person who you basically abandoned and think about whether you really did consider her feelings and whether you really did care about her in the moment or if your enjoyment took priority over what should have been done.
You're throwing out the "well what if this grown woman get abducted" as if it would be OPs fault but I'm the one that sounds dumb
Your post reads as "you let your woman out of your sight, now she's defenceless and anything that happens to her is your fault". Fuck off with that.
Take a moment, read your responses to me, read this post again.
If you honestly cannot see my point I'll leave it here.
I'm a bit perturbed at the complete dismissal of the dangers women face at concerts in this thread, when it's well known that going to concerts as a woman can be quite terrifying.
Regardless of whether your GF had a bad past experiences, you messed up by being in the position of being separated from her in the first place and I'm willing to bet that's what she's really pissed out, more-so than the fact that you then didn't try to find her or reach out to her. The fact that you were able to be separated tells me that you weren't the least bit conscientious of where your GF was in the crowd, which is a problem. You put her physical safety in the hands of hundreds of male strangers. That's not cool.
Regardless of whether your GF had a bad past experiences, you messed up by being in the position of being separated from her in the first place and I'm willing to bet that's what she's really pissed out, more-so than the fact that you then didn't try to find her or reach out to her. The fact that you were able to be separated tells me that you weren't the least bit conscientious of where your GF was in the crowd, which is a problem. You put her physical safety in the hands of hundreds of male strangers. That's not cool.
Gotcha. Based on the facts in the OP, I think he handled it incorrectly either way. The past bad experience exacerbates the situation, but if you remove that portion of the OP and analyze the facts as presented, I still think he handled it incorrectly.
You're being obstue for no reason here. Let me remind you of some things.
"She's fairly small, and got shoved around more than she was comfortable with, had her glasses broken, and got a small cut on her face. This was over 10 years ago. She said she never wanted to go into a pit again. after that experience."
Let's read between the lines, something I have to do as a therapist. It's clear this event was traumatic for her in some fashion, mainly because it was enough for her to say "She never wanted to go into a pit again"
Someone with common sense can ascertain this, this does not take a masters degree - I promise you.
Put two and two together: she got shoved around more then she was comofrtable with, got INJURIES, and then went on to say 'she never wanted to do it again"
It's pretty clear that it was not a good experience, in fact a bad one, resulting in her not wanting to do it again.
I don't understand why I have to spell this out to you. It's important that we validate her feelings: she never wanted to go to it again. It's likely to assume the event was traumatic, something she did not like which was clear.
I would wager if something was bad enough that she didn't want to go to it again, that would be traumatic. She developed an aversion to it. c'mon man
That's your definition. And I can understand if that's how you feel.
However, how I feel, is that I have a choice. Whether I'm aware of it or not. And that my feelings are there for me to feel, hold, and move through.
Sometimes in order for me to grow, and put the past behind me, it can be messy, incredibly uncomfortable, and even downright painful. But this is always for my benefit. To help me find my way back to love.
Whatever happens, happens. And if you're curious how this relates to the OP, well, you saw my first message :)
Thank you <3
Her reaction is a pretty fucking clear indicator of trauma...
Then the key factor might be something else/ We don't have enough information to know how the girlfriend carries herself in other situations, or if this trauma is the one thing at play etc... perhaps without that one single event, she would have been totally fine.
I think we'd be assessing it based on different key information that could totally change if the current one didn't exist, so it's hard to say.
Some people are independent enough that you would not need to immediately look for them.
Because it's a worst case scenario of this situation being preposed.
And yeah you sound extra fucking dumb because now you're trying to pretend like that type of shit doesn't happen... Calling it "fearmongering" like there aren't psychos preying on women smh, you sound silly.
Even if it was your boy, clearly you sound like wouldn't be the slightest bit concerned if y'all got split up. Wouldn't even try to hit em up on our instant communication devices we have in our pocket...
Dude it's the worst case scenario in any situation. It absolutely is fear mongering. Calling it fear mongering isn't saying it never happens, but you know that. If I was to say "Don't go outside, you might get run over by a car", that's fearmongering, even if we're talking about something that can and does happen.
Even if something like that did happen, it wouldn't be OPs fault so it's really disgusting to imply that it would be.
And no I wouldn't be concerned because my girlfriend has no issues being alone a gig if we get separated, which happens. We just meet up afterwards, it's not a big deal.
I think this conversation is sterile and completely off topic. The real question is whether OP could reasonably be expected to know that being alone for a moment in that concert would prompt his GF into a panic attack.
I think you probably didn't think enough, though I'm someone who prefers to keep track of people I go to an event with. Maybe a little white lie would have helped?
A lot of people in the thread are trying to throw out that we're generalizing this stigma that 'A woman can't handle herself' when we're not. They're trying to use that as an argument when in our perspective we're trying to state that a person who clearly had a traumatic event went missing in a type of place that we know that they have a bad history with overall and to the point where they didn't ever want to go back to it, needed help. And in that time frame, the person she likely looks to for emotional support and love literally made the conscious decision to not look for her because he wanted to enjoy the rest of the concert.
What I fail to see is how that puts us, the people who are trying to look out for the person with a bad history in the type of location they're at, in the wrong? We're not just saying this because she's a woman, in fact, we've all clearly stated that he should have looked for because she had traumatic event and she clearly needed support.
But people's reactions here have dismissed that despite us knowing the history of her at mosh pits, despite us being told she bolted to the door to go outside and despite us knowing she broke down and clearly was in a state of anxiety which is why she (reasonably so) lashed at out on her boyfriend.
What I fail to see is how that puts us, the people who are trying to look out for the person with a bad history in the type of location they're at, in the wrong? We're not just saying this because she's a woman, in fact, we've all clearly stated that he should have looked for because she had traumatic event and she clearly needed support.
But people's reactions here have dismissed that despite us knowing the history of her at mosh pits, despite us being told she bolted to the door to go outside and despite us knowing she broke down and clearly was in a state of anxiety which is why she (reasonably so) lashed at out on her boyfriend.
I think the real question is how you interpreted OPs post as "being alone for a moment"?
Oh wait, I know the answer. Dont bother.
You saying a whole lot of words and getting entirely beside the point.
If the worst happened in this scenario, the OP didn't make any effort to get in contact with his partner, yet he tries to fault her for doing the same exact thing..
that's why I brought up the worst case scenario. Because in that instance, shes not going to be able to initiate a call or text.
With the context being she already had a bad experience at an event like this.
It's only you and your terrible reading comprehension that thinks I'm blaming OP directly for her fictional abduction.
This is normal ass human behavior, at least for friends that go out together.
you literally said "what if she got abducted". That's you putting responsibility on OP for making sure she doesn't get abducted, implying he would be to blame if something like that did happen. That's disgusting.
If this is your first big fight I wouldn't worry about it. A big part of maintaining a relationship is making an effort to acknowledge your partners feelings and listening instead of debating even if they sound irrational. That works for me anyway I usually know I'm right but debating when someone is yelling at you never works.
But they aren't wrong, it is his fault if that was to happen because he specifically stated he chose to wait it out in the concert and then go look for her after it was over. That is literally what puts him in the blame.
Like it or not, it would be the same thing if he was with a younger sibling and the same thing happened. Depending on various situations or details, you are in the wrong no matter what person with whatever relation this happens to.
You just don't want to be wrong in this situation and that's completely fine, you'll learn one day. Can't force you to be understanding of this.
This is something habitually single people say.
One time, this person who hated everyone and was a massive dick to people (but still always showed up to open parties and stuff) got separated at a big party, and we didn't care to find them.
Maybe treat your SO (who, in theory, you like and respect and care about) better than the way people treat assholes.
Like, it's baffling to me that OP couldn't find his GF, who has problems with that environment, and thought "I'm not missing this set though," and then had the nerve to think the GF is the asshole because she was mad at him.
Honestly she should probably dump him. The dude's consideration for her was no different than his concern for a stranger on a bus, so she might as well make that official.
Yeah, here's a thought exercise. If something did happen, how sure of his position is the OP if he has to talk to police?
"So X happened to her. Where were you?"
"Rocking out inside."
"By yourself? Did you know where she went?"
"No."
"So then you started looking for her and couldn't find her."
"Well, no."
"You found her then?"
"No I didn't look. Or call. Or text."
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Very presumptuous of you to assume you are not in the wrong.
Make a mild effort to find the person you went to the concert with had talked bad stuff happening at them in the past, you are supposed to do this when you care about people, it's not simple, but it's not that hard either.
Edit: Oh, she is your GF? Geez.
Make a mild effort to find the person you went to the concert with had talked bad stuff happening at them in the past, you are supposed to do this when you care about people, it's not simple, but it's not that hard either.
Edit: Oh, she is your GF? Geez.
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Absolutely not. If a woman or anyone gets abducted or worse then the only person to blame is the assailant. It's disgusting to try and put any blame on anyone else.
This isn't about a younger sibling, this is about an adult. If she got abducted walking home from work is that OPs fault too because he wasn't around to protect her?
Man just thinking about a girl who's maybe 15 in a mosh put that's almost certainly mostly actual adults is giving me douche hives by proxy I'm kind of impressed at how much some of you are able to overlook that
Not really. He needs to apologize for not looking for her sooner and she needs to apologize for blowing up at him
This is a very important factor, and probably one of the most when it comes to activities with your SO.
When you know for a fact that they are stepping out of their comfort zone or their tastes to join you for something that YOU love/enjoy, you have to be attentive and make them feel appreciated for doing that.
It's like when my fiance used to come sit at the dojo while I practiced, or the studio while we recorded music, when I knew she gave zero fucks about martial arts or my music. I would constantly check in with her and make sure she had what she needed, and see if she was at the edge of her patience and was ready to leave, because I knew she wasn't there for her, she was there in spite of herself to show that she cared about me.
Live and learn ToddBonzalez
She was vulnerable in this specific situation because of her past trauma.
What if OP got abducted? She didn't get separated from him they got separated from each other. She didn't bother texting him to see if he was OK.
Does she take the blame too?
Again, some of you taking it to the extreme.
What happened to her in the past has no relevance when "what if she got abducted" is what we're discussing.
Might as well say "what if she got stabbed". It's an absurd thing to bring up and try to pin on OP. It's an outrageous hypothetical that has no relevance to what happens to her in the past.
Yeah I don't get how people don't see how that's obviously a traumatic experience.
Sorry op. She went in the most pit for you. Then you didn't go look for her immediately once separated. I think you owe her an apology if you want to repair this rift.
Again, you're missing the forest for the trees here.
The key: she was vulnerable.
People here are adding their knowledge and personal experience of dealing with people who have had emotional breakdowns/freakout due to a variety of issues (PTSD, medical, mental, etc.)
What the OP describe is classic reaction to traumatizing event. OP know of the past story, and she says her freakout is related to that past situation (aka being lost dense crowd).
Yes, people here are saying the OP fucked up. But it not just because he missed the cues of his girlfriends state of mind and continued to have a good time without her. That is just bad communication and resolvable.
He opens with want to blame her for everything and how dare she embarrass him!
She has made the effort confront her unease in crowds by continually going to concerts because it is something he likes to do. Something finally triggers a panic attack in her, she freaks out, and all he cares about is how he alone feels. That is the problem. He wants assurance that he 100% did nothing wrong. In relationships, it should not be about keeping score, it should be about solving problems and growing together from them.
This is a situation where his first impulse should have been to attend to her emotional and physical needs (shock can last awhile after being triggered), ignore the heat of the moment comments. Let things cool off, then talk like adults how to avoid such things in the future.
Women are always vulnerable to being abducted. That doesn't mean it would be OPs fault it something did happen.
It doesn't matter where they are or who they're with or what mental state of mind they're in, there are no circumstances which any grown adult can be blamed for another adult being abducted by someone else entirely. 100% of the blame lies on the perpetrator in those situations.
You know your girl had issues and past trauma at a concert before, she gets separated by force and you decide to just enjoy the rest of the concert.. and leave her alone, who knows where at a place she's already frightened of.
Lmao
You're either an idiot or selfish or a selfish idiot.
Lmao
You're either an idiot or selfish or a selfish idiot.
She was specifically vulnerable here due to her past trauma. That is the key. This is not about all women.
You're doing the same thing you did earlier, being ultra pedantic to score a win.
This is about a vulnerable person in a situation that is elevating past trauma. A vulnerable person is more open to danger and harm.
You're there with her, you lose her, I don't know why you'd not just make finding her your priority at that point. You could have texted her at least. If she didn't respond that would be on her.
Also, this
Also, this
How am I being ultra pedantic? Someone implied that OP was to blame if she got abducted, I disputed that, and now you've popped in to say she was vulnerable.
Ok she was vulnerable. How does that make it OPs fault if she gets abducted? You responded to me, not the other way around, and you refuse to answer how what you're saying relates to what I'm saying.
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