Culture shock: How you're going to eat without inviting your friend?

[Raboon]

Swede here. Growing up it was not uncommon not to be invited for dinner, but more often than not I was, otherwise l'd just stay in my friends room and play while he was eating real quick. I think it's been said before but most of the time everyone went home at the same time to eat with their own family.

I also remember my mom being upset when I ate at friends houses just to come home and not want the dinner she had been cooking because I was already ful. So I'd usually decline a dinner offer at my friends house because I knew my mom had dinner ready at home. And I think my mom knew that my friends parents had dinner ready for them when they eventually went home as well.

 

[Horp]

Swede here. When my son has friends over we are always ready to serve him/her food but here you -have- to check with the parents first. I.e - can he/she eat this? Have you planned something for dinner? Is what we are having for dinner morally acceptable to the parents? Etc.

 

[ghostemoji]

My parents were broke so inviting friends over was strategically planned around making sure they didn't have to provide any food for them. I didn't know this was an option!

Sorry Matt, you gotta bring a sack lunch to the sleep over, mom doesn't get paid for a few more days.

 

[Messofanego]

The weirdest one I had was my friends family invited me out to dinner, which I said yes to. Then he got in trouble or something and they didn't bring him. Like, I was in the car waiting at the house and then the dad comes back and says he's not coming with us and they take me and the rest of the family to dinner without him. Shits wild, family was a little weird.

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Just to clarify, he was made home alone?!

 

[Zippedpinhead]

American here, Irish/German heritage.

And if we have a kids friend over and are eating, they get servings (after asking their parents).

When I was a kid all my friends parents would just heap out another serving for me, or my parents would do the same for my friends.


I don't even understand.

 

[Deleted member 19626]

Just to clarify, he was made home alone?!

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Yes, he was told to stay home. He was in fourth grade and it was uncomfortable.

 

[jroc74]

Wtf, you're supposed to feed your house guests. That some weird ass shit.

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I have never in my life experienced not eating at a friend's house when dinner was ready. Hell, even lunch.

Ever.

Wow.

I want to see someone, anyone, explain that yes, this is something their family does. I don't know of any culture where this is the norm.

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I am almost afraid to read this thread...

 

[Solarc]

The weirdest one I had was my friends family invited me out to dinner, which I said yes to. Then he got in trouble or something and they didn't bring him. Like, I was in the car waiting at the house and then the dad comes back and says he's not coming with us and they take me and the rest of the family to dinner without him. Shits wild, family was a little weird.

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LMFAO yooo what the fuuuck, that IS wild, I'd prob ask to get off the car, like, nah, I'm good, I think I'll stay with Timmy here

 

[Sai]

I can't imagine having someone in my home and not feeding them or at least offering them a meal lmao. Fucking crazy honestly.

 

[Messofanego]

I am almost afraid to read this thread...

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There's quite a few Nordic folks in this thread saying so! And some disagreeing!

 

[Weltall Zero]

Having someone over and not inviting them to eat with you sounds batshit insane to me. I would frankly take it as an overt invitation to leave and never come back.

I get that I'm Spanish and our culture is supposedly very hospitable, but I would frankly side-eye anyone telling me that not feeding guests is part of their culture.

 

[War95]

This thread has exposed me to some batshit insane things as a spaniard

 

[J-Skee]

So I guess this a good thread to ask this:

How do y'all feel about friends knowing that they're all going to meet up & one of them decides to get food for themselves, bring it over & not offer any?

Or people bringing a personal bottle of liquor to a get-together? And leaving with said bottle when it's over?

Because these scenarios happen all the time to me & I never know how to deal with it.

 

[Apathy]

This is crazy behavior. I'm Latin American, anyone that comes into my home is treated better than family. They get offered food, drinks, snacks multiple times over and they get their portion before house members get theirs.

 

[gundalf]

i am german and lived in norway and sweden both for years working/studying and never experienced this. that person must've stayed with weirdos. if you sleeping over, you getting fed. if you at a friend's house at that time of dinner, usually you'd be going back home to your own family to eat dinner, and probably meetup and hangout again after

as much as people like to say german and scandinavians are "cold and distant", we're actually incredibly hospital (i don't know the right word here, but i mean hospitality… the right word escapes me)

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I grew up in Germany and I actually experienced it two times in my childhood. Also often times I have been sent home before dinner time approached. Since I was a kid (this was in the 90s) at that time, I didn't thought much about it.

Of course I got snacks and so on but dinner time seemed to be Germans private family time.

 

[Deleted member 8257]

So I guess this a good thread to ask this:

How do y'all feel about friends knowing that they're all going to meet up & one of them decides to get food for themselves, bring it over & not offer any?

Or people bringing a personal bottle of liquor to a get-together? And leaving with said bottle when it's over?

Because these scenarios happen all the time to me & I never know how to deal with it.

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That friend is...doing it wrong. Everytime we got together, we'd potluck it, take turns making food for everyone or majority of the time, go to a place to eat together. Never once I had someone bring their own food to a get together lol. Maybe a can of coke or something is ok.

Not sure about liquor, we don't drink.

 

[Crayolan]

In any friend's household I've been in (mostly asian and latino), not only would it be totally bizarre for them to not have me sit down for dinner with them if I was staying over, if I refused to do so it'd be be seen as really rude towards the family. Can't imagine this type of thing ever happening unless I just awkwardly walked in on their mealtime unintentionally.

 

[datwr]

Another swede here, never heard or even thought of this before. Food was always provided to me or my friends, most of the times even without asking. I also have some friends from Finland, and it was exactly the same there.

I bet you if you did a broader survey, if would be similiar all over the world, and not specifically a Nordic thing.

 

[Messofanego]

This is crazy behavior. I'm Latin American, anyone that comes into my home is treated better than family. They get offered food, drinks, snacks multiple times over and they get their portion before house members get theirs.

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Yup, we make sure guests get their food first, then hosts get it last and eat last. We gotta make sure they're taken of.

 

[Morrigan]

The scenario where another kid just hanging out isn't offered dinner is completely normal here in Sweden. They most likely live three houses over and will go home for dinner when it's time for them to eat dinner.

Of course someone being an invited guest is a different thing altogether. Not offering breakfast for a sleepover guest is fucked up.

Neighbourhood kids go home to eat.

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I mentioned this earlier, and the kids roaming the neighborhood is entirely different than what was being shown in those tweets/Reddit posts.

I'm sure that there were times when I was over at a neighbor's house, and when it came dinner time there were heavy hints that it was time to leave. An unplanned hangout is entirely different than inviting someone over during meal times and not feeding them, or just ignoring them while you eat.

The fuckery is more due to the fact that people are straight up excluding kids from meals, rather than sending them home.

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Yeah those seem pretty ok. My brother had a childhood friend who lived 3 houses over, and he rarely stayed to eat dinner at their place (and vice-versa for the friend at our place), they'd typically just go home to eat, and maybe hang out again after dinner (in the summer when it's still light out) since they lived literally a 30 seconds walk away from each other.

But for any other scenarios where the kid is hanging out at the family home, and it's dinner time, of course the kid gets offered lunch or dinner lol. Sending the guest in the basement or upstairs while the family eats is pretty bonkers.

If you just visit for the day, dinner time tends to be the indicator to head home. But actively excluding someone present from dinner seems weird, especially during a stayover.

My weird story is a bit different. I'm not a good eater and there aren't many things I like for breakfest. So I wouldn't really eat much. The friend's family, I was sleeping over at, also had rules like you were not allowed to eat more than one slice of bread with Nutella, and the amount of Nutella was rationed by a tiny teaspoon (you weren't allowed to use more than that for your bread), what was pretty alien to me. My friend's mother asked me, what I'd usually eat for breakfest at home, and when I told her, she started to tell me how expensive those things were and how spoiled I must be. I didn't understand anything.
The next time, she had bought "those expensive things" to serve me, of course not without emphasizing how she went out of her way for me. I found all of this weirdly aggressive.
Mind you, none of us were poor, and in comparison, my friend's family would have been wealthier than mine.

And then there was the time, I accompanied my best friend and her family to a holiday home, they had rented. When they started to prepare dinner (only bread and stuff, nothing that would turn cold), I still had to dry my hair, so I told them, they don't need to wait for me, they can start already. While I thought, I was polite and mindful, my friend's respond was immediately: "We wouldn't have done so anyway" like I just had said the most stupid thing ever.
At my family, it is normal to wait until everyone sits and have their stuff, before you start eating for shared meals. Especially when you have guests present. So my friend and her family not caring at all bewildered me greatly. ^^

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Good lord those families are neurotic and rude as fuck lol. I'm sorry you went through that! If you come over I promise you can have all of my Nutella :D

 

[Shyotl]

If I spent the night at a friend's place and my my mother caught wind of this happening then she would have been absolutely irate. Like, sure I can understand rough financial situations or very short notice-- that's when you coordinate some alternative plans with the other parents. However, you do not simply leave a child hungry like that. Break out the ol craft mac'n'cheese or some shit if necessary. C'mon.

American, for reference.

 

[Vilam]

I'm American and I wouldn't find that all that weird.

 

[Pet]

Nani the fuck?

Yes that's fucking weird.

 

[B.O.O.M.]

That is weird as all hell. Reading the story legit made me tense up a bit because how much I cannot relate to it. I'm Sri lankan and in my family and all families I know we try to feed the guests as well if not better than anyone else.

 

[Sendero]

That's unthinkable in LatinAmerica, but almost a crime if kids involved.
Mothers are quickly going to shove food in their mouth, arguing they look malnourished and stuff.


But, what's extra odd.. are those saying that such behaviour would be acceptable, if there isn't enough food for a guest.
Here? not a chance.

There are only 4 scenarios:
*Either the hosts quickly prepare something fast with what they have. Anything.
*They hastily leave the house and get something
*Everyone get smaller portions, so as to accommodate for the extra plates.
or
*The parents (behind scenes) donates their portions so the kid and their friends eat properly.

The guest always gets the best stuff. That's full stop, regardless (specially) if the family is poor.
If it's a fancy neighborhood, the mother might call their parents and check with them for allergies first, though.


Besides, having someone there, staring, while the whole family eats? kinda disturbing.
At least have a drink.

Sending them to another room, so as not being bothered, sounds almost comical.


I'm honestly shocked.
If the kid is a close neighbor, telling them to go to their home to eat (and then comeback), sounds like a more reasonable approach
(still uncomfortable, though).

 

[GhostTrick]

What kind of culture and education is this ?
I dunno but I was under the impression that in every culture and for many times, inviting someone to your table or at least, offering food to them was a sign of respect.

Not inviting them was a sign of hostility.

 

[Rosebud]

My weird story is a bit different. I'm not a good eater and there aren't many things I like for breakfest. So I wouldn't really eat much. The friend's family, I was sleeping over at, also had rules like you were not allowed to eat more than one slice of bread with Nutella, and the amount of Nutella was rationed by a tiny teaspoon (you weren't allowed to use more than that for your bread), what was pretty alien to me. My friend's mother asked me, what I'd usually eat for breakfest at home, and when I told her, she started to tell me how expensive those things were and how spoiled I must be. I didn't understand anything.
The next time, she had bought "those expensive things" to serve me, of course not without emphasizing how she went out of her way for me. I found all of this weirdly aggressive.
Mind you, none of us were poor, and in comparison, my friend's family would have been wealthier than mine.

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I would be so uncomfortable. Ma'am you can keep all your nutella thank you very much

 

[Qvoth]

what a bizzare thing
imagine not wanting people to think you and your family are good hosts to guests

 

[CloudWolf]

What kind of culture and education is this ?
I dunno but I was under the impression that in every culture and for many times, inviting someone to your table or at least, offering food to them was a sign of respect.

Not inviting them was a sign of hostility.

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It's a north European thing. Here in the Netherlands, basically nobody expects to get offered a meal when visiting unless they are specifically invited for that meal. At most birthdays or when simply visiting friends and family, we'd leave before dinner and eat at home. As a child, eating together when visiting family was only done at special occasions like Christmas.

Getting asked to leave before dinner was to me never weird or hostile, it's just the way it is. In fact, I was shocked when I first heard that in other cultures guests are always offered a meal. I definitely accidentally risked offending my hosts from other cultures by trying to leave before dinner lol.

 

[effingvic]

As a South Asian, this is just so foreign and ridiculous to me. Even when my family was poor as fuck, one thing we always made sure of was that no one went hungry, that included our friends and guests who came over. Folks always appreciated being offered a meal no matter how humble it was (even something as simple as tea and biscuits or a simple sandwich) and we would stretch our meals if we needed to in order to accommodate guests.

Growing up, we spoiled our friends with our hospitality and they've always been just as kind to me. So many fond memories of visiting friends after school or having a sleep over and our parents going out of their way to take care of us and made sure we were fed and comfortable. Hospitality is something we took really seriously.

If I went to someones home and they told me to wait in a room and ate without me, I would never talk to that person again. What kind of fucked up shit is that.

 

[Irminsul]

It's a north European thing. Here in the Netherlands, basically nobody expects to get offered a meal when visiting unless they are specifically invited for that meal. At most birthdays or when simply visiting friends and family, we'd leave before dinner and eat at home. As a child, eating together when visiting family was only done at special occasions like Christmas.

Getting asked to leave before dinner was to me never weird or hostile, it's just the way it is. In fact, I was shocked when I first heard that in other cultures guests are always offered a meal. I definitely accidentally risked offending my hosts from other cultures by trying to leave before dinner lol.

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I do think that's something completely different to what's described in the OP, though. Leaving before dinner, sure, nothing wrong with that. But staying and explicitly being excluded from dinner? I've never heard of or experienced that.

 

[hobblygobbly]

cultural differences, how do they work. it's not weird

it might be rude in your culture not to offer guests food

but in other cultures it is rude for the expectation of food, especially to expect someone to have prepared food for you in advance, or to expect someone's mom or dad to now make you food

if you are invited as a guest of someone at around lunch/dinner time, of course you getting fed. people acting like us in north europe don't feed guests. kids hanging out with each other at each other's homes as they come and go are not really "guests" in the normal sense

kids hanging out around the town/city/neighbourhood, you gonna go home to get your food from your mom lol. rude as fuck to expect another mom to cook and feed you when you can easily just go home and get food and then come out again lol

again, people totally misunderstanding the situations here. if you are *sleeping over*, you getting fed (sleep overs are rare in northern europe and europe in general tbh). if it's just kids hanging and fooling around at each other's houses and outside, nah that kid knows to go home, these are different situations. if you are adults and you invite your adult friends over as guests of course they getting food if it's lunch/dinner whatever.

this is mostly a situation related to kids, not every guest situation

when i was a kid and all of us would be hanging out, going from one friend's house to another, hanging out outside, etc, if we'd be at someone's house and it's around dinner time, especially if their family starts eating, we all head out and also go home, eat with our families, and then in summer in particular since it's light out until 10pm still, we'd go meet up again. it's more rude to expect food from someone's mom when you could just move your ass back home with your bicycle/bus/u-bahn/whatever lol

 

[Qvoth]

i guess if you live in such a small and close knit community, it makes sense to not feed your kids' friends since their home are just a few metres away
imo not even offering them is the strangest part, the least you could do is asking if they will join dinner

 

[effingvic]

*The parents (behind scenes) donates their portions so the kid and their friends eat properly.

The guest always gets the best stuff. That's full stop, regardless (specially) if the family is poor.

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Yup, exactly.

 

[caliph95]

I don't think i ever been somewhere where you at least try yo accommodate i get if he just pop off at dinner but even then in my culture (muslim and African) they at least ask if you're okay

 

[Luvlaskan]

Growing up in Sweden I do remember eating at someone elses place being a pretty big deal. I was always nervous of being rude or a burden on other families so in some sense it was a relief to not be offered food. Most of the times it happened it was negotiated beforehand between parents. I've never heard of not being offered food during a sleepover though. I also suspect this has changed a lot. I can't imagine not offering my kids friends food at least.

 

[CloudWolf]

I do think that's something completely different to what's described in the OP, though. Leaving before dinner, sure, nothing wrong with that. But staying and explicitly being excluded from dinner? I've never heard of or experienced that.

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It's the next step sure, but I don't think it's that different. If I as a kid would've stayed when the parents indicated it was time for dinner (which means: gtfo), I'm sure the result would've been similar. Maybe they would've offered me a slice of bread with cheese or something.

 

[DanceToTheRadio]

I'm not going to judge other cultures for this, not my place. As for my experience as a kid (white American), my household was poor and my parents always made sure any friends or my siblings' friends were well taken care of, even if they didn't want anything they still were offered. Even for friends that lived on the same street and could go home for dinner, if they were still there by our dinner time they were always welcomed to have dinner with us instead.

My parents are the type to take much less or even not have anything at all if it meant everyone else was full, so it would've been unthinkable to not share dinner with a kid in their home, let alone having their children's friend sleep over and not provide for them. I've also never been to someone else's house and wasn't offered or accommodated for.

 

[Arjen]

From my experience here in the Netherlands, you are expected to fuck off during diner time unless invited, but i never heard that you just sit around and wait while the rest eat.
I always invite people to dinner though, but i like cooking for people

 

[julia crawford]

I don't think I've ever once gone to someone's house with the expectation I would be fed, unless that was my reason for coming over. And if I was offered, I would decline as not to impose. I wouldn't feel slighted by this in the least.

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This is my experience too tbh. Though being in someone else's home is not a situation i find myself in very often, but unless i was invited to eat i would definitely decline offers of impromptu meals unless i was like extremely good chums with the people there.

 

[JJD]

as much as people like to say german and scandinavians are "cold and distant", we're actually incredibly hospital (i don't know the right word here, but i mean hospitality… the right word escapes me)

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My sister is married to a german and when they come over to my house her husband cooks for us.

He is also great at the grill. His barbecue is the best lol.

I love him so much lmao

 

[snail_maze]

Reddit - Dive into anything

www.reddit.com

Just saw this on reddit, gonna leave it here since it seems like it fits.

 

[Maxim726x]

It's a north European thing. Here in the Netherlands, basically nobody expects to get offered a meal when visiting unless they are specifically invited for that meal. At most birthdays or when simply visiting friends and family, we'd leave before dinner and eat at home. As a child, eating together when visiting family was only done at special occasions like Christmas.

Getting asked to leave before dinner was to me never weird or hostile, it's just the way it is. In fact, I was shocked when I first heard that in other cultures guests are always offered a meal. I definitely accidentally risked offending my hosts from other cultures by trying to leave before dinner lol.

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Huh. The more you know.

 

[Hollywood Duo]

what a bizzare thing
imagine not wanting people to think you and your family are good hosts to guests

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It's not all that crazy to me having interacted with plenty of Northern European people. It's more on you to be a good guest in someone else's home.

 

[Geido]

As a Dutchman I can 100% confirm that we won't feed anyone unless we knew about feeding that person in advance. It usually comes down to looking at your watch and going like: well, it's dinner time (which translates to please go home). If you're ever in the Netherlands and you're invited to someone's house at 15:00, don't expect you'll be eating there as well.

Actually having dinner while someone waits for you to finish... Not sure if I've ever had that happen to me.

 

[neon/drifter]

I'm just gonna add my two cents from growing up. Poverty.

 

[sibarraz]

eating without sharing at a guest sounds much worse than hitting them in the face with an steel pipe

 

[Gaucho Power]

Sounds like Scandinavia. I do think this rule mainly applies to kids or young teens. And only with dinner. Basically, if it's outside dinner time and family has ordered pizza or something then most will offer it to the guest as well.

I think assumption is that kids will have dinner at their own home with their own family, so you don't want ruin their appetite. It's not uncommon to ask teens join to dinner because they know if they have dinner plans at home.

 

[apocat]

I think assumption is that kids will have dinner at their own home with their own family, so you don't want ruin their appetite. It's not uncommon to ask teens join to dinner because they know if they have dinner plans at home.

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This is how it was for me as a kid in Sweden. Dinnertime was a sacred part of the day for the family, you were expected to be there and ready to chow down. Of course you could eat at friends places at times, but that was generally decided beforehand.

 

[NewDust]

Dutchie here, and I think for us it comes from multiple aspects. First, we like to plan everything . That also means visits with friends and family. Come by unannounced or late and be prepared to be met with "sure, but sorry we don't have anything to offer you". Which stems from the Dutch being notorious penny pinchers. Groceries/dinner is made to fit the amount of mouths to feed and absolutely no more, as to minimize cost and waste. Possibly most of this can be attributed back to strong Calvinistic roots.

That said, in my family, we usually tried to accommodate extra eaters if it was possible. Nowadays, when I expect my visit to extend beyond dinner time, I make sure to discuss what I can expect, though it still feels a bit of an intrusion into other people's lives.