Culture shock: How you're going to eat without inviting your friend?

[gozu]

Yo, some people are out there saying words like "not enough food".

I don't understand. Do they not have knives? What you can cut in 4 you can cut in 5.

Not enough plates? Hard to believe.

Like, what happens if you eat 20% less or 25% less at a meal because you shared with a guest?

 

[Nakenorm]

As a Swede, this story makes no sense lol. This have never happened to me while I've been at a friend's place or happened to one of my guests.

But who knows, maybe me and my family is an outlier.

 

[Messofanego]

Yo, some people are out there saying words like "not enough food".

I don't understand. Do they not have knives? What you can cut in 4 you can cut in 5.

Not enough plates? Hard to believe.

Like, what happens if you eat 20% less or 25% less at a meal because you shared with a guest?

Click to shrink...

Not just that but people saying they don't expect another family to feed them for free. Mate, if you're a guest at mine, I'm here to make it hospitable and feed you. I'm not doing checks and balances like you're a business transaction! It's about building trust and community. 🤷🏾

 

[jackie daytona]

I think the general consensus at this point is it's not cultural, it's assholes.

 

[Chainshada]

Had a bit different as a kid, early high school I stayed over at a friend's place on the weekend, didn't know how religious they were. Sat down for dinner and they wanted me to say grace, told them I didn't know what to say so they pressed me on religion, told them I wasn't religious and had never been to church. I wasn't allowed to eat dinner unless I thanked god and promised to go to church with them in the morning.

I packed my stuff up, called my parents to pick me up and never went to the guy's house again, his parents called mine the next day insisting we go to church with them.

 

[Eggiem]

Oh lol, feels like this thread brought up repressed memories.

I'm from northern Germany and that was the norm for me in my younger years.

Click to shrink...

Noo wayyy. Is this a city thing? Because when I had friends over or stayed at a friends house spontaneously, our rural parents always figured something out. Barbecue, ordering stuff, some quick spaghetti, McDonalds, Fischbrötchen…

 

[Suede]

I felt like my family was the only one I knew that never really ate dinner together. After school I would come in and my Mum would have it prepared for me to eat while I watched Tracy Beaker or something. My parents would eat later together since my Dad was always busy with work. I don't think any friends came over until after dinner time either. The weekend was maybe the exception for offering it to them, but I think most would go back home for dinner unless they were sleeping over that day.

 

[Hoggle]

I hated eating at my friends house because it highlighted just how little I was fed as a kid. One of my friends was Italian and I swear his mum would force feed me an entire lasagna to myself. Forget seconds. It was thirds and fourths followed by dessert.

 

[Deleted member 8257]

I can't imagine anyone I know dishonoring themselves like this. Hospitality is paramount where I come from.

 

[Messofanego]

Had a bit different as a kid, early high school I stayed over at a friend's place on the weekend, didn't know how religious they were. Sat down for dinner and they wanted me to say grace, told them I didn't know what to say so they pressed me on religion, told them I wasn't religious and had never been to church. I wasn't allowed to eat dinner unless I thanked god and promised to go to church with them in the morning.

I packed my stuff up, called my parents to pick me up and never went to the guy's house again, his parents called mine the next day insisting we go to church with them.

Click to shrink...

I don't get how this is supposed to go down in any good way for Christians who do this? Why be exclusionary and gatekeep dinner from others? Baffling.

 

[Fat4all]

I don't get how this is supposed to go down in any good way for Christians who do this? Why be exclusionary and gatekeep dinner from others? Baffling.

Click to shrink...

it seems like a very un-christian thing to do

ive eaten dinners at friends houses who are religious, and while they will talk about their religion or invite me to visit their church for service, they wouldn't push so hard as to force me to grace for dinner

 

[Bishop89]

That's weird af.

You feed your guests lol

 

[djinn]

I've had the opposite experience lol. Went to visit someone's place and they served us dinner and just stood and watched, not eating anything themselves. It felt a bit awkward for me, coming from a background where a meal is always shared together. But this family was being very hospitable so I just considered it their culture or custom.

 

[TheMadTitan]

I made it a habit of not being at peoples houses at dinner time growing up for this exact reason. Or at least a strong intuition that I wouldn't be fed if I lingered, so I just left. It took some very strong persuading from some parents to get me to stay and eat.

Shit, it's something I still find myself doing. I'll bounce if people are settling to eat, plan my arrival to be post-dinner, or I just won't eat. As much as I do this, I had to have experienced it as a kid and this is just trauma reemerging, but I can't remember a specific instance.

 

[TheDestructiveSquirrel]

When I was a kid I remember it being the norm to know that you should leave before dinner time unless they invite you to stay.

Usually I had to be home for dinner with my own family lol

 

[mhayes86]

Unless I was spending the night, a friend's parents would usually have everyone go home before dinner.

It was always a bit awkward to me to eat at some people's homes with their family, especially at a table with forced conversation. I was so used to my family eating in the living room watching tv together.

 

[Chaos2Frozen]

In context yeah this would be weird as fuck where I'm from.

My parents would ask if my friend would be staying for dinner, and if they are staying late but do not wish to be a bother there's always the easy excuse to say "Oh it's okay I have dinner plans later already."

 

[Sacrilicious]

So, are there different degrees of social acceptability in different cultures? I'm interested to more about responses that aren't too surprised by this.

I'm genuinely curious because this would be unthinkable in my culture (and in a lot of others). A host wouldn't put feeding themselves above feeding their guests. It would be a major faux pas at best, if not outright insulting.

But these hospitality customs draw specifically from our history, culture and environment, and I'm fascinated about how other cultures might view it differently.

 

[Fiction]

I don't think I've ever once gone to someone's house with the expectation I would be fed, unless that was my reason for coming over. And if I was offered, I would decline as not to impose. I wouldn't feel slighted by this in the least.

Click to shrink...

In the culture I grew up in (New Mexico) if someone randomly stopped by at a random time you feed them. Like, that's the law. It would actually be an insult to refuse.

Hell, in my home town if someone close to you passes away you don't even think about cooking for a month. People will bring you food and clean your damn house. Food is a huge thing where I'm from, and sharing it is damn near the handshake.

 

[Saad]

Nordic countries are always ranked "happiest" despite seeming like the most awkward culture ever. Hard to understand

Click to shrink...

but dont they have high suicide rates tho?

 

[TheMadTitan]

In the culture I grew up in (New Mexico) if someone randomly stopped by at a random time you feed them. Like, that's the law. It would actually be an insult to refuse.

Hell, in my home town if someone close to you passes away you don't even think about cooking for a month. People will bring you food and clean your damn house. Food is a huge thing where I'm from, and sharing it is damn near the handshake.

Click to shrink...

In my experience, if you're engaging with anyone from Central/South America or the Philippines, you're going to eat. No exceptions. And you're taking a plate home.

 

[Carbon]

Sending a kid home is one thing. I can understand that. But eating while the visiting kid is there and not offering for them to join?
That seems weird. Especially if it's in the context of a sleepover.

 

[Bremsstrahlung]

The idea of not feeding guests is unthinkable to us. Moreso making them wait while the hosts eat. The hell even is that

 

[John Caboose]

The scenario where another kid just hanging out isn't offered dinner is completely normal here in Sweden. They most likely live three houses over and will go home for dinner when it's time for them to eat dinner.

Of course someone being an invited guest is a different thing altogether. Not offering breakfast for a sleepover guest is fucked up.

Neighbourhood kids go home to eat.

 

[EarlGreyHot]

I live in the Netherlands and never had this happen to me. When I had friends over my mom always cooked for them as well.

Buuuuut I can see it happening over here depending on region.

 

[____]

The scenario where another kid just hanging out isn't offered dinner is completely normal here in Sweden. They most likely live three houses over and will go home for dinner when it's time for them to eat dinner.

Of course someone being an invited guest is a different thing altogether. Not offering breakfast for a sleepover guest is fucked up.

Neighbourhood kids go home to eat.

Click to shrink...

There are dozens of us!

 

[Oliver James]

In my country when someone is eating they will ask the other person to eat but the expectation is they won't accept

 

[Ender]

Yeah, happened to me several times when playing at Swedish friends houses.

The worst time was when we were at a friends house, the friend warmed up some frozen pirogies as a snack and just after he served them to us his dad made him take them back. We went back to my house and ate whatever my mom had made.

 

[random88]

This is definitely a Nordic thing, I've heard multiple stories like this from friends that went on student exchange to Norway and Sweden.
It is weird, especially coming from a culture where people will almost be offended if the guest doesn't accept to eat with them.

 

[ForKevdo]

My older brother had a friend visit once when we were in junior high and he stayed for dinner. My mom put down a multivitamin for my brother and his friend assumed it was for him and ate it

 

[gyrspike]

This is like the exact opposite of my family growing up. If someone came over the first thing my parents would do is offer them something to drink or eat. And if we ever had a meal when someone came over and for some reason we didn't have enough food one of my parents would rather go without instead of not feeding a guest.

 

[misho8723]

I think this is a European thing - or at least a more Central/Northern/Eastern Europe thing .. I don't know about anyone who does or did sleepovers here, only after eating lunch going to a friend's house for some hours and if his family is eating dinner at the time when you're there, you most likely getting only some chips, desserts and soda and such things but not the meal - your parents cooked dinner too, so your going to eat dinner at your house.. that's pretty normal for me as a European - but this can if course differ from country to country, from region to region, to city to city, from family to family and so on
It's different when you're older and you invite your friends to your place, that's of course a different situation

 

[Mukrab]

I wouldn't care. I'm not expecting to eat when i'm at someone's house at dinner time of i wasn't invited for dinner. That being said, i was always invited to join them and i would always do the same too if someone was at my place and i was going to start eating. It's just the normal thing to do for me. But i also think it's normal to not expect it. Like of they didnt ask if i wanted to eat qnd just yelled dinner i wouldnt go and sit on the table without being asked.

 

[Deer]

This also seems like a class thing. As a working class Swedish Finn family, we ALWAYS assumed if they stay around dinner time, they would be offered food. Our parents were fucking heroes and so many of our middle class friends loved coming over because they knew they'd get food.

When we went over to their houses, it was always a big issue. Usually we would just leave before dinner, so that we wouldn't have to 'impose' on their dinner time. One time I remember, a friend of mine used to offer fruit to us when we were over. Yummy! A few weeks later he said their mother asked me to bring my own fruit, so from then on, whenever I went to their family, I had to remember to bring my apple.

LOL

This part of Swedish culture can absolutely be criticized and it is absolutely a thing that exists. I wouldn't know if it's the norm (I knew plenty other families where you absolutely would get fed, whatever time of day it was) but it definitely does exist. And it fucking sucks. It made me feel like shit as a kid to be honest and it created so many awkward things for kids, we had to TIME our hangouts so that I could get home to eat in time etc, because they just couldn't plan for one extra plate. (Some of these parents were also absolutely horrendous cooks, I realized later, when I was actually invited - so maybe they had a good reason?)

Swedish culture sucks. We are selfish, self-centered, self-indulgent and racist. Please critizise us every chance you get. Now that I think about it, many Swedes are just bad cooks. And yes, I've definitely had the 'can you stay and wait, we're just gonna have dinner' thing happen. It's fucking rude and awful.

 

[RedHeat]

I remember this happened to me a few times with two different friends as a kid (one was Hispanic and the other was Native American), I think it was because either their parents thought I wasn't hungry/thought I was leaving soon or my friends were being assholes and didn't bother to ask if I wanted to eat anything.

Regardless, I think it's very strange. At the very least they could offer a guest a snack or something.

 

[MrKlaw]

i dont blame em. sometimes you only cook enough and one more throws you off

Click to shrink...

surely at that point the parent goes 'hey Jimmy it'll be dinner in half an hour - check when Frankie is going home' - you'd assume they would be aware of humans' need to eat food?

 

[snail_maze]

I mean even in Europe there's a very strong cultural view Italians (especially southern), Greeks and other Mediterranean cultures are distinct from white Anglo/Germanic/Nordic "white cultures"

Click to shrink...

Different culture group of course, but at least I haven't heard a connection made to skin colour in that way

 

[MrKlaw]

Sure beats getting mad at your host for their perceived rudeness, though. Sometimes differing social norms mean one person has to massage the awkwardness out of the situation a little, and if you're the hungry one, and for whatever reason your host hasn't twigged, you're the one who's going to have to do the massaging. It's definitely not worth either party getting mad or offended about, it's just one of those funny human things.

Click to shrink...

if you're a child (wasnt' clear in the OP the age of the person which is kinda important to the power dynamic), then its unlikely you're going to rock up and invite yourself to dinner. Its clearly on the parents in the house to offer.

If OP quote was an adult then it changes a little I guess - its 'hey you can sort yourself out' but still a little impolite to not check with them their plans

 

[danm999]

Some incredible self reports going on here

Inviting someone to your home and not offering them good whilst you eat lmao

 

[Alcoremortis]

My mom would yell at me if I didn't immediately offer everyone drinks upon arriving at my house when I was a kid. A lot of my friends thought that was kinda weird because they weren't thirsty.

Usually if they were staying late, she'd just give me a $20 for some pizza instead of trying to make something that my friends would enjoy.

I still tend to offer people drinks, but now that I live alone it's like "uh, the only drinks I have are iced tea and iced coffee..."

 

[hydrophilic attack]

i grew up in sweden and i don't think this ever happened to me. of course friends who were visiting over dinner would get fed. anything else would be really weird

 

[JasonV]

Swedish culture sucks. We are selfish, self-centered, self-indulgent and racist.

Click to shrink...

Ouch. Seems like a class issue as well, like you said working class swedes seem pretty open.

 

[Glasgow Mega-Snake]

I mean even in Europe there's a very strong cultural view Italians (especially southern), Greeks and other Mediterranean cultures are distinct from white Anglo/Germanic/Nordic "white cultures"

Click to shrink...

Central or Northern Europe looking down on Southern Europe is a thing, but it's not really about race/whiteness

Yeah, there's a lot of prejudice still around like you saw in the euro crisis, stuff like "Those lazy Italians/Greeks/Spaniards with their siestas and early retirement ages just don't know how to work like us efficient Germans and waste our money"

But nobody in Europe would say Italians etc aren't white

 

[Hilarious_Bearious]

My family is all Scottish and trying not to get fed at somebody's house is like some Matrix-level shit.

"Are you hungry? I've got a nice wee bit of ham. Not that hungry? I could fix you a piece on jam. Are you no well? I've got soup in the the freezer, or I could whip up some stovies and a Lucozade? Just a tea with some fruitcake then? Well I'm just about to put out a cheese platter so you can have some of that if you change your mind. I'll give you a bag of stuff to take home with you."

Staying at a friend's house until dinner time uninvited is weird though.

 

[JasonV]

But nobody in Europe would say Italians etc aren't white

Click to shrink...

That's the case now, but certain Europeans did not get their white card until relatively recently, the Irish for example.

 

[Messofanego]

This also seems like a class thing. As a working class Swedish Finn family, we ALWAYS assumed if they stay around dinner time, they would be offered food. Our parents were fucking heroes and so many of our middle class friends loved coming over because they knew they'd get food.

When we went over to their houses, it was always a big issue. Usually we would just leave before dinner, so that we wouldn't have to 'impose' on their dinner time. One time I remember, a friend of mine used to offer fruit to us when we were over. Yummy! A few weeks later he said their mother asked me to bring my own fruit, so from then on, whenever I went to their family, I had to remember to bring my apple.

LOL

This part of Swedish culture can absolutely be criticized and it is absolutely a thing that exists. I wouldn't know if it's the norm (I knew plenty other families where you absolutely would get fed, whatever time of day it was) but it definitely does exist. And it fucking sucks. It made me feel like shit as a kid to be honest and it created so many awkward things for kids, we had to TIME our hangouts so that I could get home to eat in time etc, because they just couldn't plan for one extra plate. (Some of these parents were also absolutely horrendous cooks, I realized later, when I was actually invited - so maybe they had a good reason?)

Swedish culture sucks. We are selfish, self-centered, self-indulgent and racist. Please critizise us every chance you get. Now that I think about it, many Swedes are just bad cooks. And yes, I've definitely had the 'can you stay and wait, we're just gonna have dinner' thing happen. It's fucking rude and awful.

Click to shrink...

BYOF (bring your own food) lol that sounds rough, I didn't know the higher class you were the less likely you'd get fed as a guest 😬

I've never been at a Swede's house, maybe they really are shit cooks and can't cook for more, so I'll take your word on it! :P

 

[Nooblet]

This isn't even a white people/western people thing, because I know for a fact that this would be unthinkable in UK and US.

 

[snail_maze]

That's the case now, but certain Europeans did not get their white card until relatively recently, the Irish for example.

Click to shrink...

That's not how that works though, the English treated the Irish like animals because they were Irish not because they weren't white

 

[JasonV]

That's not how that works though, the English treated the Irish like animals because they were Irish not because they weren't white

Click to shrink...

The Irish, at the time, were not considered the same race. There's a good book called "How the Irish Became White" that covers the history to quite a good degree.

 

[Ragnar]

Edit: Double post.