I just wish I had spent more time with him recently. When my parents told me two weeks ago that his condition worsened, I visited them to see him again, just in case he wouldn't live much longer.
But he spent most of the time sleeping in the litter box or eating. And when he was doing neither, I didn't really pet him, because.. well, his fur looked so terrible, and while I personally didn't see anything, my mother warned me that he had often shit stuck to this fur..
I did brush him once, though. He purred. Still, this wasn't the proper goodbye we should have had..
I am so sorry for your loss. That is normal, you will never feel like you did enough or did it the right away.
My husband and I lost our 14 year old cat Darien this July. He had heart failure and we had many "I don't think he will make it times" but he always bounced back. One weekend he was not himself, not eating and very sleepy and we planned to take him to the vet Monday. I didn't spend much time with him that weekend, he was so tired I just wanted him to rest.
My husband was working and had been mandated to stay 12 hours when Darien came down for a drink but then acted like he was going to throw up but never did. I rushed him to the emergency vet, by the time we got there he was barely alive. His chest was full of fluid, the medicine couldn't keep up anymore. Minutes after bringing him, I said goodbye.
I felt so bad I did not spend time with him that day, that he just slept and that we didn't take him sooner. My husband couldn't be there and he felt horrible he missed it, he didn't even get to say goodbye. Darien's last moments came and went so quickly, it really all happened so fast.
In the end I did what was best for Darien and I nothing I did would ever feel "good enough."
Saying goodbye sucks but 20 years old shows how much your kitty was loved and cared about.
