I don't find it gross or creepy but I would genuinely wonder what the hell they found in common or talk about. Im pretty sure there's zero 18 year olds I would want to date. This would be like dating a friends kid at that point . Although I have gone out with someone ten years younger and they were mature and interesting enough ...
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What is it with people freaking out/overreacting over small age gaps in dating?
- Thread starter DragonSJG
- Start date
I've always felt that age as a number is only useful as a rough guide in these situations. Reaching life milestones like living out of home, being independent of parents, working full-time, owning and being solely responsible for pets etc are significant points in the development of a person that normally take place through the early 20s but everybody reaches them at different stages.
I went back to school a few years ago at the age of 29 to study at a reasonably prestigious performing arts academy, and initially the idea of being surrounded by talented/attractive young women certainly held an appeal. After a while though the novelty definitely wears off and I came to realise that someone who's shared similar life experiences and can relate on that level is super important in establishing a healthy relationship.
In some cases where the younger party has hit those developmental points earlier than most, they may be mature enough to enter into a meaningful relationship with someone older. Mostly though I feel it's largely born out of a power imbalance and the older party chasing a feeling of control.
I went back to school a few years ago at the age of 29 to study at a reasonably prestigious performing arts academy, and initially the idea of being surrounded by talented/attractive young women certainly held an appeal. After a while though the novelty definitely wears off and I came to realise that someone who's shared similar life experiences and can relate on that level is super important in establishing a healthy relationship.
In some cases where the younger party has hit those developmental points earlier than most, they may be mature enough to enter into a meaningful relationship with someone older. Mostly though I feel it's largely born out of a power imbalance and the older party chasing a feeling of control.
More than 5 years difference is weird for sure. Maturity levels and judgment change as you age, so get this "two consenting adults is fine" bullshit outta here when we got people in their late 20s or 30s trying to fuck/take advantage of college kids.
I think we should focus less on the number and more on the position said person is in life.
Part of the reason why people side eye dating 18 year olds is because most of the time 18 year olds are students who just got out of highschool or sometimes still in highschool. A 21 year old very well may be graduating and even starting a career so for a lot of people it looks like the 21 year old is a very independent person who has for whatever reason chosen to go out with someone who just barely is even allowed to live on their own. Why choose someone who is still so reliant on the support of their elders? It's not always predatory of course but it looks that way a lot of the time.
Part of the reason why people side eye dating 18 year olds is because most of the time 18 year olds are students who just got out of highschool or sometimes still in highschool. A 21 year old very well may be graduating and even starting a career so for a lot of people it looks like the 21 year old is a very independent person who has for whatever reason chosen to go out with someone who just barely is even allowed to live on their own. Why choose someone who is still so reliant on the support of their elders? It's not always predatory of course but it looks that way a lot of the time.
Absolutely. My last girlfriend and I had a larger age gap than I normally prefer, but we were both professions with graduate degrees who were working, had our own place to live, etc. and so the age thing was nonexistent.
If I had met her five years earlier, though, I wouldn't have even considered dating her.
I think it's less about absolute number of years and more about crossing certain life-stage thresholds. A 50-year-old and a 28-year-old? Unusual, but good for them. But a much smaller gap with a 25-year-old dating a 19-year-old college student is going to be greeted with some skepticism. I don't care if legally she's 18, if she's still in high school it's creepy for any adult to be with her.
i agree. like, most 19 year olds don't own a car, work a part-time vs full-time work, are either just beginning college or haven't even considered post-high school education, still live at home, etc. even though i'm barely 3 years older, the difference between a 19yo and me is HUGE. i don't relate to 19 year olds. i have pretty much nothing in common with them. i would feel like a predator dating one, even if they were ~mature for their age~ or whatever.
What?
graduating college has nothing to do with any of this. I graduated at 28.
Also, some people who graduate aren't all that mature. A 21 yo who dates a 19yo is pretty normal.
I think it's super weird. If you dated another college student while 28 that would probably be weird too, unless they were 25+
I don't think age matters much when the couple are both adults (21+). At that point, they're old enough to make their own decisions, so it's pretty common to see a 35+ person with a younger 21+ person. My parents are like 10 years apart, and I have lots of friends that have a mom that ended up marrying a *much* older man after becoming adults. Older people tend to have their life more in order than younger people, so some people just want to be with an older no bullshit person. One of my friends is 19 and she's always talking about wanting to be with a guy in his 30's because she doesn't have time for "confused little boys." It's bad assumption/generalization to make but she says it proudly.
My problem is with the creepy rapist dudes (and girls) well into their adulthood that take advantage of a "legal" teenager being attracted to them. Even if they're "legal", that shit still looks bad when they're still that young. These teenagers don't even know what life is yet.
My problem is with the creepy rapist dudes (and girls) well into their adulthood that take advantage of a "legal" teenager being attracted to them. Even if they're "legal", that shit still looks bad when they're still that young. These teenagers don't even know what life is yet.
Do you think it's super weird or do you feel it's super weird?
If you think it's super weird, science has proven than men reach maturity later than women (something like 10 years later) . Thus, it's normal to see couples with age gaps of 5 years. Furthermore, we're talking about sexuality, which is really something relative. Some people will mature faster, some will have more experience even if they're younger, some will face challenges and will be stumped in their development...etc
There are many logical reasons that justify age gaps when it comes to dating. No one develops in the same way.
(However if you're basing this on how you feel, then no arguments will be able to change your feelings.)
Not that I don't find it off putting. But what is the 'right' headspace. Some people are attracted to older people.
Edit: I see you specifically said 'teens' which is vague. To be clear I'm just saying 18 and 19 year olds are for all intents and purposes adults. There's definitely power balance issues, but if those aren't a factor, let people be.
Your pseudo-science would be more accurate if you considered that the age of maturity you vaguely refference actually refers to humans reaching full maturiy at an average age of 32 for a woman and 43 for a man, and would not be applicable to a 28 year old man dating a woman much younger.
Furthermore that does not at all refer to maturiy as many journalists headlines interpreted it, but rather the increasing effiency of the brains connections.
It has nothing to do with attraction. I said I don't think many teens are going to be in a similar headspace to a 40+yo when it comes to a committed relationship.
What?
You're saying a lot about how it's the wrong headspace and mindset but that's pretty vague and judgemental of the younger person.
As for the other part. Power balance issues can arise if the person is a mentor/boss/etc or in some other way has power over the other person. That to me is a separate issue.
Not sure why. I didn't even finish college, but I'm dating someone 2 years older than me who graduated college two years ago, and have been since I was 19 and she was 21. There's like zero maturity difference even if she has graduated college and I have not. Being further along in college doesn't just suddenly make you more mature, nor does being further along in college mean you shouldn't date people younger than you, especially considering you're both consenting adults in the same exact environment.
It's not at all. It's a pretty vanilla thing to suggest most people who have just turned an adult aren't going to be in a similar place to relationships to that of someone that's been one for 20+ years.
If you think the only concern for abuse between an 18yo and a 40+yo when it comes to a committed relationship is between that of a teacher and student and similar roles then I don't know what to tell you.
My father met my mother when she was 18 and he was 40, she had her first kid at 23, it's no big deal. Somw of you need to mind your business, there's nothing wrong with an age gap as long as both are adults. hell, lots of women prefer dating older men.
for whatever reason, I definitely think it's less weird if the woman is the older one
Young adults are absolute dumbasses and easily impressionable. Have you ever spoke to one?
I've seen a guy say "She's so mature for her age" about a girl who didn't even know what council tax was or how to mop, as kept on falling over herself when talking to people because she was that anti-social.
Depends when your birthday is
Someone that's a senior could have turned 18 in September and a Sophomore won't turn 16 until June the following year
Can we add ages to the usernames so we know who is just young and who is actually a dumbass? This "All young people are dumb and impressionable" cliche is insulting and ignorant.
Sounds like some posters here, I was referring to previous topics but seeing more comments here... Yep.
Would be interesting to see if men and women see this question differently. Feels like everyone who are against age caps are picturing older guy dating younger girl. But older woman with younger guy is not so suspicious for reason or other... I don't know if that's the case but that's the feeling i'm getting.
Dumbass was perhaps harsher than I meant it to be but I'm reffering to people aged around 18. I've rarely met an 18 year old who had it all together is what I meant.
I have known many 18-22-ish year olds who have dated men in their 30's and the imbalance in maturity was always the same no matter how often the guy tried to say otherwise.
personally never dated or even been physical with anyone past 2 plus or minus years from me.
Idk.
It generally takes me a while to feel comfortable around someone, and it's easier when they've had a similar life to mine.
Idk.
It generally takes me a while to feel comfortable around someone, and it's easier when they've had a similar life to mine.
You're not wrong, "High five I totally banged that MILF/Cougar!", cause when your THE MAN you're totally in control. /s
The bigger issue regarding dating an 18 year old is where they are in life. Are they still in high school? Have they moved out of their parents' house? Do they pay bills? If the answer to all of these is yes, then I see no issue with and 18 year old dating someone in their 20s. But if you're 28 and dating someone who is still a legal dependent of their parents and planning their prom... yeah, you're a fuckin' creep. Question what you're doing with your life if you're dating someone with a curfew.
If it's two consenting legal adults then I try not to give a fuck. Hell my boss at work has a 20 year age difference between his wife and himself. And they've been happily married for about as long as I've been alive. The numbers are meaningless after a while and you should be with who you want to be with.
Personally I feel like age doesn't have that much to do with having similar life. Well, you are usually on the same page when it's about pop culture references.
I mean, could you date foreigner? Who would most likely have totally different life due to different upbringing.
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It's a vague guideline, sure, but it was never designed to cover all cases, just to be a convenient filter to cut down on abuse.
The only reason we have the concept at all is because of investigative work into child prostitution in England in the 19th century.
I met my wife when I was 29 and she was (barely) 20 - I worked with her stepmom and she introduced us. It worked because she was mature relative to her age and I was relatively immature. I'm now 40, she's 31, and we've been married for 2 years.
(It does lead to some weird mindfuckery though - when I just started my (current) job just out of college, she had only just turned 12. Of course, we didn't meet until 8 years later, but still...)
(It does lead to some weird mindfuckery though - when I just started my (current) job just out of college, she had only just turned 12. Of course, we didn't meet until 8 years later, but still...)
That's fucked too, just much, much rarer so it won't get talked about as much.
I'm 34 and I date 18~24 mainly and I don't really give a shit what anyone thinks. I'm not trying to have a real relationship, I'm honest I'm just looking for physical and most girls those ages want the same and at least the ones dating me also claim to prefer older guys so it works out. It's mutually beneficial and not hurting anyone. Let people live how they want.
You got stats for that rarity or are women in my experience more discrete about these things?
I've repeated the phrase "anecdotal" throughout most of my posts in this thread so far, and mostly described anecdotal situations, do I need to repeat it every second line?
And given that men dating decade younger women is incredibly normalised and common in mainstream media, yeah I'm gonna stand by the assertion I'm making.
Edir: To be clear, if someone says to me some verient of "oh, it's fine, he/she is mature for their age", whatever the gender or sexuality involved, they're getting the sids-eye. Because so far, anecdotally, that side eye's never been wrong.
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Here's my advice to the OP then: The theory of relativity implies this relationship is not creepy as long as you are at or nearly approaching the speed of light
But I mean 18 vs. 21 isn't inherently super creepy, but I guess it depends on how long the parties have known each other. It isn't too creepy if, like, they met in college or something, but it's hard to shake the question of potential grooming behavior at that age.
At what point does it become fucked up and why? I get the argument that rich man/woman flashes wad of cash for young "poor" person and that can create situation with power balance in relationship.
But I doubt that's what most cases are. Usually people meet at same social circles...or at bars. So there isn't that much of a difference. I mean, you are a student so you usually have very little of income, but at the same time if the older person is regular blue-collar/office worker, they aren't exactly in situation of enticing anyone with money either.
That's a very big gate you're keeping, there. Why would any intelligent woman of 18 want to deal with the insecurities of 18-year-old men when she has a chance with very slightly older men who have seen a little more, done a little more and grown up a little more? Don't use the word grooming unless you know what it means.
I think everyone should mind their own business when it comes to relationships between two adult people that you don't know. We have no idea if the relationship is healthy or not, and it's certainly not up to us to judge it based purely on optics.
A few years ago I went on a holiday to Thailand with my wife who's Asian, and we were getting angry stares by white tourist all the time who assumed that something fishy was going on between my wife and myself. It was ridiculous. People who had no idea who we were would judge us just based on what we looked like. Don't be like those people.
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18 to 21 is a relatively small age gap and I don't think it's nothing to panic about.
However as others are mentioning, large age gaps are very often troublesome. Usually due to different power dynamics and very often lead to abuse.
I myself am 26 years old and I personally would not date anyone younger than 22 (20 being the lowest limit). I don't think there's anything wrong morally with someone in their late 20s dating someone in their early's, but younger than that it is definitely suspicious.
However as others are mentioning, large age gaps are very often troublesome. Usually due to different power dynamics and very often lead to abuse.
I myself am 26 years old and I personally would not date anyone younger than 22 (20 being the lowest limit). I don't think there's anything wrong morally with someone in their late 20s dating someone in their early's, but younger than that it is definitely suspicious.
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How often there are such power dynamics that do lead to abuse? I think most data I have seen, in various articles about dating/marriage and such suggest that people often date within their own economical class. If you are 33 old plumber and date 19 year old uni student, what is the drastic power dynamics in this case that could lead to abuse?