I don't think people here mean having guy friends but when a girl says "I'm only friends with guys."
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What are your red flags during a first date
- Thread starter Cryptosporidium
- Start date
I'm guessing you wouldn't? But you would if it were women texting her?
I know, and I still don't understand it. So what if she is?
There are all sorts of freaks, finding one aint worth a million. :P
-Smokes
-Positive attitude towards Trump
-No goals or Aspirations.
-Positive attitude towards Trump
-No goals or Aspirations.
That seems unfair, some times you pick a movie because it looks interesting or it has attractive visuals and have no way of knowing what happens in it. Unless you watch your dates to only take you to films they have previously watched.
I'm stealing this one
I used to care about the girl having hobbies until I realized it doesn't really make a difference to me. A woman doesn't suddenly go from undateable to dateable just because she likes to crochet or something.
A lot of my favorite people don't really have "hobbies." It's hard to find time for that stuff when you're working full time and have a social life
I've been married 14 years, so I have no idea what dating is like today, but I would consider these red flags (not deal breakers, but signs that it may just not work)
-mentioning ex a lot. Like, not if the topic is about exes, but casually mentions stuff "my ex and I used to go there a lot" or whatever
-only friends with guys (I think some people are misinterpreting this as jealousy. But imo, it's an indication of a failure of interpersonal skills, if she's inable to make friends with women)
-"I hate drama". Spoilers, you're likely the cause of it, Sarah
-"I'm a competitive person". Not that there's anything wrong with this, per se, but I don't think our personalities will mesh well
-one word answers/no conversation (maybe just shy, so I would give benefit of the doubt, but only so far)
Those are the first things to come to mind. There are other deal breakers for sure, but these things would give me pause
-mentioning ex a lot. Like, not if the topic is about exes, but casually mentions stuff "my ex and I used to go there a lot" or whatever
-only friends with guys (I think some people are misinterpreting this as jealousy. But imo, it's an indication of a failure of interpersonal skills, if she's inable to make friends with women)
-"I hate drama". Spoilers, you're likely the cause of it, Sarah
-"I'm a competitive person". Not that there's anything wrong with this, per se, but I don't think our personalities will mesh well
-one word answers/no conversation (maybe just shy, so I would give benefit of the doubt, but only so far)
Those are the first things to come to mind. There are other deal breakers for sure, but these things would give me pause
-Smoking cigarettes, yeah that's a huge turn off.
-"I've never been with a black woman before" instant pass
-Racism, misogyny, sexism, another of that. Blocked
-being rude
-actively identifies as a nerd/geek, also pass
-no motivation or doesn't have a job. pass
-I agree with another poster saying anger issues
-doesn't have any hobbies or boring in general
-"I've never been with a black woman before" instant pass
-Racism, misogyny, sexism, another of that. Blocked
-being rude
-actively identifies as a nerd/geek, also pass
-no motivation or doesn't have a job. pass
-I agree with another poster saying anger issues
-doesn't have any hobbies or boring in general
Yes and no. Two young women in my office visibly into Disney, one is a Republican and the other is basically Black Bloc. Elsewhere too I've found some "Disney" women are like that but for some it doesn't indicate anything about their other leanings.
A woman who speaks Spanish saying Papi in bed is inarguably the hottest thing in the world. I don't believe your second point.
True on a day to day basis how much time to you really have to do some or any of your "hobbies?" I spent a lot time this morning thinking about what hobbies I really have and I realize, I have none other than watching TV if you took an average day for me.
On a day to day basis i am probably either working, cooking dinner or spending my last 1 or so, watching TV/playing video game. Most of the things I enjoy are time consuming.
For me, the most important thing is knowing whether you are open to new experiences. I like staying home sometimes, but I like going out more.
Was talking with a girl from Tinder recently and we began discussing movies. I've had a recent surge in enjoyment for sci-fi movies like Arrival and Annilhation, and expressed that interest with her. Her response:
"Sci-fi!? Yawn... don't waste your time with that when you should be watching THE CLASSICS!"
How can someone be so close-minded as to shut down an entire genre!?
"Sci-fi!? Yawn... don't waste your time with that when you should be watching THE CLASSICS!"
How can someone be so close-minded as to shut down an entire genre!?
That's... a very interesting take I'd like to see you back up with some actual reasoning.
I fail to see how two similar sentiments are "not comparable" when you switch a single word.
White people do not suffer from institutional racism. When someone says "I hate black slang", that person likely has racist sympathies. Black people are not appropriating white slang, white people are appropriating black slang, of course minorities are sick of their slang being stolen and then worn out by white people.
Sorry, but I have to vigorously disagree.
If it's racist in one direction, it's racist in both directions.
They're both sentiments displaying disparaging generalizations and assumptions of people based on their perceived race.
That's definitively racism.
When someone says "I hate black slang," that person likely has racist sympathies.
When someone says "I hate white slang," that person likely has racist sympathies.
Even your response just now is slightly uncomfortable with "of course minorities are sick of their slang being stolen and then worn out by white people."
That seems like shades of "racist sympathies towards white people," to me.
If two different people do exactly the same thing, you only get mad at one of them and the criteria you're using to make the distinction is the color of their skin - you're racist.
...Are you complaining about racism against white people and trying to equate that to what minorities go through like there's some sort of equivalency? Sure, both those things are the same if you completely ignore the power balance and disparity inherent in society due to racism.
I mean, yes, I am specifically talking about this issue in a vacuum. I was in no way trying to obfuscate that.
But, also, you don't actually know my race - you're being presumptive right now.
My father was African, my mother Irish, and I've gotten both brands of racism from both sides of the aisle since before I was even old enough to realize how people were treating me.
To racist white people I'm "damaged" in some way or representative of some sort of moral or societal decline.
To racist black people I'm "not dark enough to be black" or "culturally white, so you don't count."
We're not talking about racial epithets or hate speech.
You're trying to say that the casual colloquial language people should be allowed to use hinges on their racial make up.
That's racist as hell.
You're effectively advocating some sort of societal "soft-segregation."
Anyway, if you'd like to continue this, let's do it in private messaging, as - like I said - I don't want to derail this thread but it was enough of a bother that I felt it morally imperative to say something.
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People can use whatever slang they want, people can also be called out on appropriating or stealing from another culture, which us white people have a long history of doing. What have black people culturally appropriated from white people? We've taken their slang, music, fashion, food, what examples are you going to give me to make this perfectly balanced scenario where both sides are the same?
I swear, every rare once in a while someone says something that makes me think "Oh my god, the alt-right might actually, unintentionally, have the slightest semblance of a point."
Then of course, I stuff that thought way, way down in the recesses of my mind where it will hopefully suffocate and die, because I appreciate logic as much as empathy and compassion, but still.
This sort of uncontrollable racial guilt is just...baffling.
If people put their slang, their fashion, their music, their food, their whatever into the greater cultural spotlight, it's fair game.
You don't get to put aspects of yourself "up for sale," take the money, the attention or the fame from all willing customers and then complain that some of those customers were the "wrong race."
I don't know where you are, geographically, but the idea of actually believe this sort of thing in America is completely alien to me.
The country founded on the concepts of personal and religious liberty, that celebrates us all being part of the same fabric and collectively joining into the "melting pot."
This one-way paradigm of "cultural appropriation" is just racist as hell and plays to both sides of the "one of the good ones"/persecution complex coin.
You say "us white people..."
You know what else is actually pretty darn racist? Telling a racial group what they believe and stand for when you have absolutely no claim to affiliation with them.
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That's funny, the thought the alt-right is right about anything never crosses my mind.
I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling guilty about how much I've benefitted from a society that is tailor-made for people who look like me, how many opportunities I've been afforded that otherwise capable people have not simply because they were born a different skin color, how many interactions I've had in my life where I the person talking to me doesn't know if I'm judging them or some shit internally instead of seeing them as on my level, how long I went through my life totally oblivious in my bubble without paying any mind to the way our society is, all that sort of thing. I don't walk around feeling guilt all day like you seem to want to imagine, I bust my ass as an ally and use my privilege to help the best that I can.
Never answered my question
That's cool, but I'm not really interested in passing your political purity test.
I remain comfortably on the left, but as the sayings go "a broken clock is right twice a day" and "straw-man has a point."
If a cloud of sentient pure evil told me the sky was blue, it'd still be correct, and it'd be stupid to disagree with it just on the basis of being afraid of being associated with it.
I believe that the alt-Right stands for racism, classism, sexism and xenophobia. I also believe that, completely unintentionally on this one minor point of a broad issue, they actually sort of have the high ground.
You can be loathe to say something but still have to admit it the case.
I really don't feel "helped" by this sort of point of view at all. If anything I feel belittled and infantalized by it, and I have 50% more claim to "blackness" than you do.
Have black people ever used 'white' slang, listened to 'white' music, worn 'white' fashion, or eaten 'white' food? How would you even define some of those?
No, it's not a perfectly balanced society we live in and there's so much to progress and repair, but, at it's core, the idea that the exact same sentiment is racist in one direction but not the other is just intellectually dishonest and, ironically, makes you the racist in most interactions.
Please understand - it's maddening to see people pat themselves on the back for being "allies" while also being unironically, unabashedly racist.
Alright, then I'm calling out your need to champion a race that hasn't asked for your help in this specific way, as well as your need to fit yourself under some sort of "victim-hood" umbrella as its own form of cultural appropriation.
You're using "black culture" as a one-way prop to feel better about yourself.
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The alt-right has the high ground.
...
Please explain how you feel infantalized by a white person saying white people appropriate black culture? I'm sure you know my intent is not to make you feel that way, so I would appreciate knowing where that feeling is coming from.
I would say I'm sorry for upsetting any white people who happen to read that white people appropriate other cultures, but I'm not.
Getting back to my original point, I do not understand how someone could think "I hate black slang" and "White people ruin black slang" are both comparable or equivalent given racism in our society. Those two sentiments are coming from entirely different places, one is from the benefactor of institutional racism, one is from someone hurt by it. It's irresponsible to just ignore that. If someone were stealing my culture while they had their boot on my neck for hundreds of years I'd probably be pretty pissed about it too. There is a difference between racism and righteous anger.
EDIT
I've had too much to drink.
I'm too tipsy to properly interpret what is being said.
I've had too much to drink.
I'm too tipsy to properly interpret what is being said.
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You're trying to misrepresent a statement that was meticulously crafted to ensure that nobody could come to exactly the conclusion you're dishonestly trying to nudge them towards.
I don't think I actually have a word for that, but it wouldn't be a pleasant one, if I did.
"I mean I'm not a Trump fan but..."
Doesn't really apply because I've been in a relationship for past 5 years but that'd be mine.
Doesn't really apply because I've been in a relationship for past 5 years but that'd be mine.
You know, when I'm loathe to say something, I just don't say it.
I'm sorry that your comfort is more important than your convictions, then.
Some things are both horrible and the truth, and refusing to acknowledge them doesn't make them disappear.
You're trying to tell me what I think and feel about a culture that I actually associate with by blood.
I think "cultural appropriation" is actually sort of one of the core principles of America, and borrowing from everywhere to create something that's stronger in the end shouldn't be seen as a negative.
I'm gay, bi-racial, mildly autistic and I've traveled on every continent except Antarctica.
I think I have a pretty specific, nuanced and legitimate view of what constitutes prejudice, and this isn't passing my smell test.
This is racism repackaged as activism.
If you take two people doing the exact same thing and you always automatically give the black person the benefit of the doubt and you always automatically assume the worst of the white person - that's racism.
I don't feel that anyone is "stealing my culture" unless they're specifically trying to mock it.
Rather, I'm proud to be part of something that others seem to want to be part of, too.
So, at the very least, understand that some members of the community you're advocating for find the way that you advocate to be insulting, if not simply a different brand of racism, pointed in a different direction.
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Part of my convictions is not even begrudgingly giving Nazis an inch, but okay, let's get back to the conversation then
You stay safe Mahonay, we need you. Hydrate!
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Non drinkers
Veganism
Religious in any way
Having no clue about current affairs/geopolitics
I'm sure any of the above can be fine people just not for me.
Good point.
Veganism
Religious in any way
Having no clue about current affairs/geopolitics
I'm sure any of the above can be fine people just not for me.
Good point.
I've been thinking on this topic a bit more, and I have to say excessive mirroring is also a red flag.
Don't get me wrong, common interests and such are great, but if my date tries to mirror me and my feelings while being inauthentic, it's a red flag. The worst part? Mirroring is incredibly seductive too.
Don't get me wrong, common interests and such are great, but if my date tries to mirror me and my feelings while being inauthentic, it's a red flag. The worst part? Mirroring is incredibly seductive too.
LOL, just realized your avatar is pretty much Tina, only blonde and smiling.
Anyhoo, my big red flag is someone who is unkind - which can manifest itself in a myriad of ways, and also negativity - that's also a symptom of many things I do not want to deal with down the road.
And for anyone who believes that there's such a thing as white/reverse racism, you couldn't be more wrong and you really need to see this bit...
I've yet to still have a first date, a first kiss, a first well.. anything. But through my lifetime I've seen lots of red flags throughout relationships happen. My mother was in an abusive relationship, and being the age I was at the time I was right in the middle of it. I knew what triggered this guy, he enjoyed fights. Things would be fine, nothing is going wrong, then he would flip out on the stupidest crap. "You put a this small pot on a big burner", or "You turned the temperature one degree too high". She was called every name in the book, he cursed around her, cursed at her, physically abused her, pushed sex upon her, forced her to drink. Sometimes I even knew when a fight would be about to break out, and I made sure I was there for it, so I could help stop it. There would be times where I would have to take her EX's side just to protect her from getting hurt. It would upset her, making it seem like I betrayed her and took his side, but I did it for her safety. He had guns, I didn't know what he would have been driven to do. The whole situation really sharpened up my skills for these kinds of things, what to look out for in abusive and manipulative relationships. We've been out of that situation for many years now, but now another problem has arisen. While I thought all of this might have been over for my loved ones, now my best friend seems trapped in the same situation. Before I say anything, I will say that I do have feelings for her. And you could say "Oh you're just feeling this over jealousy, get over it". No actually that's not the case, yes while I may have feelings for this person, they're my friend first and foremost, and I ultimately want them to be safe and happy before anything else. Some of the red flags I had stated happened to my mother have happened to this friend of mine, and its really difficult for me to see them go through it. Its different when you're not going through the situation with that person like I was with my mother, cause I was there all the time to see it. But here its harder to do things, there can be hours with no communication where my insides are racing, praying that she is safe and things are okay. The pain that she goes through with this guy, I see it, its written all over her face. She wanted it to work out, but knows its going to bring her down even more-so then it already has done. I see this pain, and I feel the pain in my chest and my heart. It breaks me inside to see her go through it. These are the red flags I see in relationships, they happen from the first date on wards, and progress into worse and worse relationships.