Now that's out of my system, time to write the post I was going to write in the first place!
First off, introductions! I'm Vivian, I'm kinda shy and quiet IRL, my favourite colour is purple (Era doing good work in that regard), I like all things soft and fluffy, and apparently I'm a girl now? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
(By the way, if for some reason you know me IRL and are stalking my Era account: surprise, I'm a girl! Bet you didn't see that coming!)
I posted in here a while back when I first realised something might be off about my gender, and you all were very helpful to me, so thanks! But it's been a couple of months, and after some recent developments, I think I'm happy with the answers I've found.
After I started questioning, I was beset by a tremendous amount of self-doubt. "Are my feelings real?" "Am I really experiencing dysphoria?" "Is this all just a fantasy I'm making up?" I decided that the best way to resolve this would be to talk it out with someone, so I told a close friend that there was something I wanted to discuss and got her to set a date so I wouldn't be spooked and back out (I originally wanted to talk to her when we went on a group trip at the end of 2017, but I couldn't muster the courage to do it back then.)
Although I had thought about how it would go over and over, I still found it almost impossible to get the words out. When faced with the real conversation, I didn't know where to start, and kept clamming up for minutes on end. There were things I wanted to say, but I was incredibly afraid to actually say them - after spending over 20 years repressing these thoughts, I couldn't raise the willpower to say them out loud. Luckily, my friend was amazingly patient and supportive, and after what seemed to me like an eternity I finally managed to get my feelings across. The entire time I wanted to do nothing more than run away and hide in a corner, but she kept gently encouraging me and offering suggestions for how I could sort out my thoughts and we got there in the end.
After a while, my friend suggested that we try different pronouns and see how I felt about them. Of course, I was used to he/him by that point, but it really surprised me how OK I was with she/her and how happy it made me feel (compared to they/them, which just felt off.) We agreed to continue using she/her for now, and my friend asked me for a name suggestion, but once again I couldn't bring myself to say it.
I helped her with some housework to calm my nerves, and eventually I managed to suggest Vivian as a name (or Vivi for short.) I was far too nervous to properly appreciate it at the time, but the first time she said my name out loud was unbelievably powerful (and even now, I melt into a puddle of happy whenever she calls me Vivi!) At some point she asked me to reach a high-up switch by calling me 'my tall girl friend', and again, that made me incredibly happy inside, even though maybe I didn't show it. If there's one thing about being trans that I want other people to experience, it's certainly that feeling of pure elation.
I think the most significant thing that came out of that (other than myself!) was that beforehand, I still thought of myself as a guy that sometimes felt like a girl, but afterwards it was like a switch had been flipped and I was a girl that might pretend to be a guy occasionally. I feel far more comfortable as the latter, and it was definitely actually hearing someone else say what had been on my mind that finally dispelled my self-doubt. I whole-heartedly feel that it was less of me coming out to a friend, and more of me coming out to myself!
For the past couple of months, I'd been avoiding looking in mirrors (and especially speaking in front of mirrors) as I'd see some weird guy that might never pass as a girl and he would speak at the same time as me and OH GOD THAT IS ME LOOK AWAY and I'd feel super uncomfortable about the whole thing. But now I can look in a mirror and see a (sometimes funny-looking) girl, and it no longer makes me uncomfortable because it's actually
me this time. I can enjoy the feeling of being called by a cute name, even if I could do without it becoming normalised later (and therefore no longer capable of turning me into a incoherent bundle of joy). I think I need to work on my appearance a bit so I can get that rush from people saying I'm cute instead. If those things don't make me trans, I don't know what does, and I'm so happy to finally have reached this answer.
Bonus:
My friend is too good and I don't deserve her ❤ ❤ ❤