The weirdest thing a co-worker has ever said or done

[Omegasquash]

While working in customer service for a frozen food distributor, I received a call from a customer that hadn't yet received their delivery, and was on a time crunch, as they needed to prepare it. I told her I'd get an update and call her right back, which I did. The update wasn't helpful AT ALL, but we were able to get the delivery on a truck and on the way.

She then proceeded to tell me, at length, that I was fucking her in her ass. She did this repetitively. I put the phone on speaker so that my supervisor could hear it, and took it back off speaker when it looked like her, and my co-workers, were going to lose their goddamn minds holding the laughter in.

The customer then told me that she was going to have a cigarette behind the building while she waited, and noted that behind the building would be a great place for me to continue fucking her ass. It got even weirder when she started getting porno descriptive about it, asking me if liked, and I'll spoil this since it's well, porno descriptive:

Spoiler

shoving my cock in her ass behind a building.

Thing is, she was legit pissed when she said all that. I don't know if I got phone hate fucked that day or not.

 

[Deleted member 4518]

I have a tale about a co-worker who was the hardest working multitasker I've ever known.

Not only was he taking a poop at work, he was also on a call in a meeting, with his laptop, eating breakfast and had his coffee on the floor beside him.

I will never understand. Never.

 

[weemadarthur]

I worked with a dude who got some jail time for a DUI and complained about how stupid it was that he'd be punished for something "everyone does".
Laws have since gotten stricter and I for one, am glad of it.

 

[The Albatross]

I work with this guy who eats a whole plate of broccoli for lunch every day. Just this enormous plate of it, the full stem + floret, uncooked.

It's not the weirdest thing, probably not even that weird on the grand scheme of working with my weird ass colleagues, but it's weird enough without being anything spuriously legal.

The guy who uses the toilet like a bidet is interesting.

Most of the "weird things" coworkers do are because like 50% of them are from other countries and have some different cultural quirks.

 

[pauljeremiah]

We had a guy working with us about 10 years ago, and we had this small hidden area where we could sneak off for a quick smoke without walking the 10 minute walk to the smoking area. One day while in their have a quick cigarette, he walked in and started to piss in the corner (there was a pile of saw dust in the corner). When we told him to get out and that he shouldn't do that here, he turned around and shouted "Fuck you!" gave us the finger and then proceeded to take a shit on the floor in front of everyone.

 

[I Don't Like]

I had a coworker once who wore a black dress shirt to work every day. Every single day. It was the same style but I'm pretty positive it wasn't the actual, same one because they all looked clean and sharp each day. He was otherwise a completely normal guy and well put together, just really loved black dress shirts I guess.

 

[h0tp0ck3t]

I worked IT in a printing company. We had thermo presses that heated the ink to make it bubble up and give this cool raised texture. Anyway somebody thought it was a good idea to toss a pizza in there, which promptly caught on fire and the whole office had to be evacuated. He amazingly wasn't fired because the boss thought it was so stupid and hilarious

 

[Teh_Lurv]

I really don't know where to begin. Not even ten minutes ago my boss told me "snitches get stitches." So. Yeah...

Click to shrink...

Your boss is obviously monitoring this thread.

 

[Greigor the FellHand]

cooworker gleefully asked if I saw the video from christ church attacks....

on my last day working there, happy i no longer work there

 

[Pantaghana]

There's a guy in my office that occasionally drinks honey out of a jar.

 

[base_two]

I was training with a white coworker once and she was walking me through a deployment procedure for some old and obscure application we had deployed frequently to new servers. She asked me to run through the procedure and was just watching me closely the whole time. A few minutes in, she comments how bronze my skin is (I'm black) and proceeds to vigorously rub my skin for like 2-3 seconds. Not even in a sexual way. She was rubbing my skin like I had on a tan or something. I was so shocked, I couldn't even say anything but 'OK'.

 

[CyrilFiggis]

So, I'd typically spend the first couple of hours getting them all up and running, then take a break in the supervisors' front office for lunch and to just surf the web or whatever for a little.

One day, one of the supervisors at the shop decided to pull an oh-so-hilarious prank of hot-gluing a dildo to the stool of one of the other bench workers, pointing straight-up in the air. Not at all amused, this employee decided that after said supervisor left for the day, he'd return the favor, remove the phallus from his bench, and glue it to that supervisor's office chair instead.

So, I get into the shop one night, spend my first couple hours getting the machines up and running, then head into the office for my usual lunch break. I pull out the chair, only to find a 12-inch dildo attached to it with a note simply saying "Have fun."

I spent the rest of the night deeply disturbed, wondering who the fuck in the shop I had wronged and why they had it out for me.

Click to shrink...

I hope this is true because it is hilarious.

Mine isn't weird, but it was hilarious. On my first day where I now work they were passing around a Stanley Cup championship ring (a relative of an owner was an SVP for the team so he got a ring) and one guy - after being told to be careful - tried taking a selfie with it and dropped it. Fist you heard a loud clang on his desk then a muddled one as it dropped to the carpeted floor. Everyone froze, but luckily the band and all the many diamonds were still intact. Perhaps just a coincidence, but he didn't last long after that.

 

[makingmusic476]

I worked at a warehouse with a group of 5 other guys. We were all in our 20s except one. He was in his 50's and an alcoholic. He'd constantly show up drunk and not do any work. Management just didn't care.
One day we're all in the back of a semi and the manager comes in asking for him to step out. When he does he sees 3 cops and instantly sprints in the opposite direction. This old drunk dude managed to evade the cops inside the warehouse for 10 minutes before they caught him.

We sadly never figured out what he did.

Click to shrink...

I'd guess a hit and run on his way to work. I've seen it before.

 

[NekoFever]

I once had a co-worker who's never seen Bad Boys 2.

Click to shrink...

What about Point Break?

 

[Rodney McKay]

In a work lunch, a co-worker started talking about how the Ice Age never happened mainly because it isn't in the Bible.

I chose not to engage, but another co-worker kinda went in on it (in a joking way) asking him how he thought giant boulders got in the middle of nowhere (from Ice Age glacier movement) and stuff like that.
The only response I remember from the first guy was that all that stuff was just "written in books by people" and I wanted so badly to say "so was the Bible! God didn't just magically write it, people did."

Dude was a computer engineer too, so I really don't get how he could be so oblivious to general science even if he was religious.
He can have all the opinions about anything he wants (as long as they don't actively hurt other people), but bringing it up st a work lunch with like 7 co-workers was just bizarre and incredibly awkward.

 

[OgTheEnigma]

I dont know who did it but once I found an apple in the toilet.

It did taste pretty good still.

Click to shrink...

Did you bob for it?

 

[Airegin]

What about Point Break?

Click to shrink...

I didn't ask. Him not having seen Bad Boys 2 freaked me out so much I got the hell away from him.

 

[Robaperas]

I worked at a home improvement retailer in the vertical panel saw section, were you can get your plywood or particle boards cut to your specifications, one Saturday a co-worker came to work with an extreme hangover, we told him to go home, and just explain to our boss what happened the next day, but he insisted in staying there, and he had the "great" idea to sleep it out behind one of the machines. Long story short, the store manager came by to check on our section, looked at the guy who was clearly visible behind the machine, and got fired then and there.
Another co-worker grabbed a piece of chalk and outlined a silhouette were the guy was sleeping, like a murder scene, it was a funny but really dark joke.

 

[How About No]

One was a bit too enthusiastic about talking to his teenage cousin from Norway :x

 

[shiba5]

I had one explain, in detail, how Noah's Ark worked. Then said coworker told me I was going to hell when I laughed and said, "Oh, you were serious?"

In a work lunch, a co-worker started talking about how the Ice Age never happened mainly because it isn't in the Bible.

I chose not to engage, but another co-worker kinda went in on it (in a joking way) asking him how he thought giant boulders got in the middle of nowhere (from Ice Age glacier movement) and stuff like that.
The only response I remember from the first guy was that all that stuff was just "written in books by people" and I wanted so badly to say "so was the Bible! God didn't just magically write it, people did."

Dude was a computer engineer too, so I really don't get how he could be so oblivious to general science even if he was religious.
He can have all the opinions about anything he wants (as long as they don't actively hurt other people), but bringing it up st a work lunch with like 7 co-workers was just bizarre and incredibly awkward.

Click to shrink...

Now I'm wondering if we worked at the same place. LOL

 

[Deleted member 31199]

I had a co-worker at my old job who was quite opinionated and would always say "I think Obama should be shot." He then brings up Nancy Pelosi and said the same thing another time later.

I decided to ask him one day if he had a gun with one bullet in the chamber and could only kill one of them, who would it be and why?

He paused, said uh for what seemed like forever, and never brought it up again.

 

[thesoapster]

Your boss is obviously monitoring this thread.

Click to shrink...

Good thing I accepted an offer for somewhere else this afternoon 🤣

 

[Falchion]

for those about to rock lobster, we salute you

Click to shrink...

 

[VorpalNonsense]

A manager asked me if I was into hacking banks. I told him no. Then he told me never to get married, and about how he's not allowed to go out because his wife thinks he's cheating on her. I tried to steer the conversation toward something more manageable, like weekend plans. He told me his plans for the weekend were to free his mind.

Welp, I tried.
It was a longer more involved conversation than this brief summary suggests.

 

[shiba5]

There's a guy in my office that occasionally drinks honey out of a jar.

Click to shrink...

We had a guy who drank "lemonade" out of a jar.

Yeah, he was an alcoholic.

 

[Powdered Egg]

Lord this came back to me. I worked at an office in high school and there's a new receptionist. I get assigned the same desk and we gradually get to know each other.

I don't know how we got on the topic but she told me a story about she was at home and an annoying cat outside kept meowing for a while. She caught it with a bag and killed it by slamming it on the ground. She fucking chuckled when telling this story at work.

 

[Admiral Woofington]

A coworker of mine came to me and said "bro it's my first day and nobody has given me anything to do"

I told him he should quit as a joke because clearly it means he won't ever have anything to do. Never saw him again, I wonder what happened to him.

 

[Maligna]

"Is that coffee in a clear mug? Get it away from me, I can't look at hot liquid in a clear glass or I feel like puking."

 

[Torpedo Vegas]

Last year.

Them: How do I tell what 2 weeks from today is?

Me: How do you what?

Them: 2 weeks from today, how am I supposed to know what that is?

Me: Do you have a calendar?

Them: yes it's right here

Me: OK, today is the 24th, on your calendar what is the next Friday?

Them: uuuuhhh, the 31? ( Yes they said it like it was a god damn question)

Me: That is one week, what is the Friday after that?

Them: It says it's the 7th

Me: That is two weeks from today, there you go.

 

[PieOMy]

Coworker picks up a screwdriver. He looks over to me and says "Screw... AND drive HER" and walks away cackling madly.

 

[Kay]

Showed me a pic of his girlfriend rimming him.
Told me about the dreams he got just after he chlamydia.
Walked on 2 coworkers doing lines of coke off another's tits
Poked out his her tongue at me, told me she had cancer on her tongue because of some weird white shit she saw on there
Subconsciously took his shirt off while buzzing of xanax while talking to a coworker
Found a random pill on the ground and then swallowed it


Hospitality is a hell of a time

 

[roguesquirrel]

ive been forever haunted by a former coworker who only ever described tv shows by length. "I watched XYZ last night" "Never heard of it whats that?" "Oh you know, one of those 30 minute programs"

every time it happened it felt i was talking to an alien who wasnt quite pulling off his human disguise

 

[Rellodex]

I had a coworker once explain to me that he'd never once in his life watched pornography, but his daughter had some friends that he wouldn't mind seeing naked.

 

[Papa Satanás]

Sunlight doesn't shine directly through the windows in my office.

During the last solar eclipse, my coworker was worried about eye damage from looking at the eclipse. I told her "don't worry about it, the sun doesn't pass these windows".

She said "well you never know"

 

[julian]

In the spirit of the UK election, I'll share this recent story. A coworker of mine doesn't pay much attention to politics but listens to a lot of business/finance podcasts (we are in finance). He came up to me one morning and asked what I thought about the theory that "the globalists" are pushing things like the Green New Deal so they can get in on all the government money that will be coming in.
At this point I should add that I'm Jewish. I also knew he had no fucking idea what he was actually saying. I explained to him how what he just said was a not so thinly veiled anti Semitic dog whistle. He didn't believe me. I urged him to look it up cause I could tel he thought I was being crazy. Funny enough, a day or two later was the Fiona Hill testimony where Swalwel and Hill actually talk directly about "the globalist" slur so I sent him the link and he finally looked it up when he was wasn't at a work computer.
I asked him where he heard such nonsense, but all I could get out of him was it was a podcast and they had somebody from the Labour Party on. Needless to say, my feelings are mixed today. I'm certainly giving extreme side eye to the many posters I've seen on here dismiss accusations of antisemitism from the Labour Party.

 

[kubev]

I deal with a lot of weird things where I work, but the thing that immediately came to mind when I read the thread title was the time when a new co-worker asked me whether I knew what scat play was.

 

[Deleted member 31817]

Honestly too many to list lol

 

[Deleted member 31817]

I had one explain, in detail, how Noah's Ark worked. Then said coworker told me I was going to hell when I laughed and said, "Oh, you were serious?"

Click to shrink...

Lmaoooo

 

[Niks]

This one dude, out of the blue, one day decided to stop talking to his coworkers.. ike zero verbal communications with a group of 8 people.

Kept this up for a month.

My boss grilled the rest of us for his behavior, blamed the team, but woudnt tell us who or what made him react that way.
Dude left the company but the rest of the team was never told why he acted that way...


Weird people man.

 

[ibyea]

A grad student colleague told me, in a conversation that followed from talking about where I am from, the reason Venezuelans were starving and fleeing the country was because they were lazy and didn't grow the food themselves to fix their own situation. After attempting to convince him otherwise, I lost patience and told him to piss off. Note, not a case of oblivious white person, since the person in question I believe is from somewhere in South Asia.

 

[ieo]

We play music in the kitchen at my workplace and one day Beyond the Sea started playing. I looked over at my boss just in time to see him throw back his head and scream "A MAN CHOOSES, A SLAVE OBEYS."

 

[Tokyo_Funk]

Set me on fire for refusing to do something illegal.

 

[Rodney McKay]

At a work lunch a co-worker started talking about how he didn't think the ice age was real because it wasn't in the Bible, and one of our engineers kept poking st it by bringing uo evidence of glaciers in the Midwest and stuff like that.

His rebuttle to all the scientific evidence was that "that stuff all comes from books written by people", which made me want to say "so is the Bible" but i held my tounge since I knew it wasn't going to get through.

 

[thefit]

for those about to rock lobster, we salute you

Click to shrink...

That's good , that's damn good.

 

[BeI]

One guy wore a full body spiderman costume to his last day of work at the office.

 

[Sunster]

coworker's heavily pregnant gf stormed in, yelling at him. they started fist fighting in the parking lot. the place closed down weeks later. is now a starbucks

 

[1upsuper]

At a work lunch a co-worker started talking about how he didn't think the ice age was real because it wasn't in the Bible, and one of our engineers kept poking st it by bringing uo evidence of glaciers in the Midwest and stuff like that.

His rebuttle to all the scientific evidence was that "that stuff all comes from books written by people", which made me want to say "so is the Bible" but i held my tounge since I knew it wasn't going to get through.

Click to shrink...

Deja vu

In a work lunch, a co-worker started talking about how the Ice Age never happened mainly because it isn't in the Bible.

I chose not to engage, but another co-worker kinda went in on it (in a joking way) asking him how he thought giant boulders got in the middle of nowhere (from Ice Age glacier movement) and stuff like that.
The only response I remember from the first guy was that all that stuff was just "written in books by people" and I wanted so badly to say "so was the Bible! God didn't just magically write it, people did."

Dude was a computer engineer too, so I really don't get how he could be so oblivious to general science even if he was religious.
He can have all the opinions about anything he wants (as long as they don't actively hurt other people), but bringing it up st a work lunch with like 7 co-workers was just bizarre and incredibly awkward.

Click to shrink...

 

[Rodney McKay]

Deja vu

Click to shrink...

Haha, whoops, didn't see this was a bumped thread.

 

[1upsuper]

Haha, whoops, didn't see this was a bumped thread.

Click to shrink...

I've definitely done the same thing!

 

[Drain You]

So I saw this thread earlier on mobile and I wasn't logged in and couldn't remember my shit but I really wanted to reply so I'm glad I found it.

So the first day I started working at the place I'm at now I was telling my co-worker how I thought it was gross my wife put chocolate chips on her sausage pizza. I used to work at this place for a long time, so I knew most of people there, including the co-worker I was talking to. Another employee overhears this and walks up to me and says...

"Damn that sounds sexy, are you in a poly relationship?"