I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of purgatory.
I have people telling me to stick around so I'm still here.
I just don't want to be.
I almost took an Uber to the George Washington bridge and everything would have been over.
The pain that I've experienced all my life would stop.
Now I'm sitting in a cafe studying and I just am so tired.
I cut myself pretty badly yesterday and it made me tired.
I can outline what's happening.
I hate who I am. Who I am becoming as I get old.
I don't want to be the man I'm becoming.
That's a part.
I am in a dead end job.
I was going to school and doing well until I got this bio class that I will probably fail as the teacher just bulldozes through material without actually stopping to check if kids get it.
We had a review and he spent literally five minutes explaining how we are supposed to interpret the material in chemical form as opposed to written form.
I thought he was just going to ask us what a nonpolar and ionic bond was. I would say nonpolar is unequal sharing of electrons.
He wants us to apparently pick from a set of diagrams.
I have now watched multiple tutorials and have seen the tutor.
So far no one has been able to replicate what she showed us is his way of identifying them.
I saw it for like five minutes and I was like wtf and freaking out the entire time I just couldn't process it.
The class also has a sister lab class and I am like barely finding time to do the he, study for the quiz for that.
Work is awful. I just absolutely hate my job. It drains everything out of me and I am not sure how I can do it when I feel this sick.
It's hard to give reasons why I want to die now as it's more a culmination of a lifetime of events.
Being sexually assaulted, being homeless, being fired a lot, just generally being treated very poorly and I am constantly isolated. Going in and out of mental hospitals.
I just have a very negative outlook on life.
I also have PTSD which has been really strange as it seems to have been like this thing that doesn't just remain confined to what caused it but it seems to expand to where I was crying everyday in the summer as I was so afraid of going back to school due to what it demands from me in combination with work.
I feel really strange as I'm now posting this sort of rumination and I wanted to post:I'm at the bridge. I'll be dead in a few seconds. Thanks for the laughs. I was on gaf as cryptic.
Like if I don't kill myself my life will be like all the mentally ill people that remain trapped in poverty.
I just am so fucking tired and I don't want to do what I did where I go in and out of mental hospitals again.
What is going to happen is I am probably going to keep suffering and just try to pass this test. The professor says it is easy as he made it less complex since it:s for non science majors.
I just am like quite stunned again by how much pain I have to endure by choosing to live.
I have people telling me to stick around so I'm still here.
I just don't want to be.
I almost took an Uber to the George Washington bridge and everything would have been over.
The pain that I've experienced all my life would stop.
Now I'm sitting in a cafe studying and I just am so tired.
I cut myself pretty badly yesterday and it made me tired.
I can outline what's happening.
I hate who I am. Who I am becoming as I get old.
I don't want to be the man I'm becoming.
That's a part.
I am in a dead end job.
I was going to school and doing well until I got this bio class that I will probably fail as the teacher just bulldozes through material without actually stopping to check if kids get it.
We had a review and he spent literally five minutes explaining how we are supposed to interpret the material in chemical form as opposed to written form.
I thought he was just going to ask us what a nonpolar and ionic bond was. I would say nonpolar is unequal sharing of electrons.
He wants us to apparently pick from a set of diagrams.
I have now watched multiple tutorials and have seen the tutor.
So far no one has been able to replicate what she showed us is his way of identifying them.
I saw it for like five minutes and I was like wtf and freaking out the entire time I just couldn't process it.
The class also has a sister lab class and I am like barely finding time to do the he, study for the quiz for that.
Work is awful. I just absolutely hate my job. It drains everything out of me and I am not sure how I can do it when I feel this sick.
It's hard to give reasons why I want to die now as it's more a culmination of a lifetime of events.
Being sexually assaulted, being homeless, being fired a lot, just generally being treated very poorly and I am constantly isolated. Going in and out of mental hospitals.
I just have a very negative outlook on life.
I also have PTSD which has been really strange as it seems to have been like this thing that doesn't just remain confined to what caused it but it seems to expand to where I was crying everyday in the summer as I was so afraid of going back to school due to what it demands from me in combination with work.
I feel really strange as I'm now posting this sort of rumination and I wanted to post:I'm at the bridge. I'll be dead in a few seconds. Thanks for the laughs. I was on gaf as cryptic.
Like if I don't kill myself my life will be like all the mentally ill people that remain trapped in poverty.
I just am so fucking tired and I don't want to do what I did where I go in and out of mental hospitals again.
What is going to happen is I am probably going to keep suffering and just try to pass this test. The professor says it is easy as he made it less complex since it:s for non science majors.
I just am like quite stunned again by how much pain I have to endure by choosing to live.