Hey, sorry/ not sorry for the crazy bump. I've been reading everything I can this week on the subject and finally turned to Era and found this thread.
My story: I'm in a seven-year monogamous* relationship with my partner. We love each other and we're each other's family at this point. We have a very domestic-oriented life with each other but there isn't any sex and there hasn't been in a long time. I've wanted to get into couples therapy around the topic but he'd been resistant in the past and always kind of sidestepped the question. I'd always felt open to being non-monogamous but it felt like a monolith of a question that I couldn't broach. During an argument last year it came out that he had cheated on me (I suspect it's something that's been ongoing with different people although he as cagey about it). At the time I was devastated but the pandemic really shuffled the deck on priorities, support and what's important. He has asked in passing if I wanted to see other people but I didn't at the time, I just wanted him. I would have been open to the idea but i feel like that conversation was skipping steps. Anyway, I ended up having a horrendous 2021 and my partner was an incredible support through some horrible experiences; the whole thing seemed to strengthen our relationship in new ways.
Fast forward to now. When my partner was out of town, I decided to get on the apps, it had been so long since I'd had any sex, I couldn't resist any longer. I ended up chatting with someone who had been in a very similar situation with his ex and showed me a lot of empathy and we had an almost instant easy vibe while chatting. So we got together. And it was incredible. The sex was out of control and our chemistry overall was super intense but also sweet. It turns out we're in the same industry and at one point literally during sex we started pitching ideas to each other and plotting a creative project... all while fucking. It was so funny and fun and wild.
And so we've been seeing each other all week and we've not been able to control ourselves around each other. I feel like I'm falling in love with him. And he is falling in love with me. It's constant communication, transparency, love notes, mix tape playlists, constant butterflies. It's the happiest I've been in as long as I can remember. Strangely, through all of this, I've felt a new level of love and fondness for my partner and it's made me see him in a different light. I think it's extremely likely that he'd really like this guy. The new guy knows everything about my situation, but my partner knows nothing... yet.
Sneaking around is unsustainable and I don't want to do it anymore. I also don't want the new guy to be a secret side piece. I want to go to concerts with him, work on creative projects, dance, travel, be social, all of it. He is casually dating someone that he's non-monogamous with and overall discovered monogamy is not for him. He loves the idea of being my "other boyfriend" (his words, although I wouldn't want to think of either him or my partner as an "other") and expressed openness to spending time with me and my partner whether just socially or sexually or both.
I want to talk to my partner sooner than later. And I don't want to lie to him. I think he might be relieved to find I've gone and gotten some outside of the relationship. I'm much murkier on how he'd be knowing about the emotional component that's blooming between me and the new guy. I do think there's a good chance he would be open to a more poly configuration for us. I go back and forth about the three of us being sexual together. I feel kind of greedy about the new guy right now but I can also imagine it being a turn on for my partner to either play with us, watch or just hear about it. (my partner and I had a fun, wild sex life in the beginning and being sex-positive was part of our ethos before we became pretty domesticated).
I just had this vision of it all working. The three of us having a blast together at live music, or cruising out to the desert or geeking out on some favorite shows or movies (new guy and I have absurdly simpatico taste). I feel like this could actually deepen and expand the relationship between my partner and me and to kick open the door for much more openness and transparency between us.
All this said, I know I went about it the wrong way and the conversations should have happened first. But this is where I am and I want to make good choices on how to proceed while doing my best to protect everyone's heart.
TL;DR
I'm in a sexless seven year relationship with someone I still love very much and I'm falling in love with a new guy and it's blown open the poly possibility for me.
Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Oh, and thanks for this thread, OP.