LGBTQIA+ peeps, has it been difficult for you to find a partner?
- Thread starter Tethered Penguin
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100% this. As a pansexual, finding sex with men is easy. Finding casual sex with women is much harder. Finding relationships at all is near impossible.
As a straight (i.e., only attracted to men) trans woman not into casual sex, dating can be fraught with heartbreak. So-called "tranny chasers" are everywhere and will objectify you as a "magical unicorn" all you could ever want, but they're not after anything more, and are usually seriously toxic people to have in your life. Sadly, because we tend to have zero self-esteem and are often certain that no "normal" guy could ever want any part of us, many trans women seem willing to settle for this kind of dating partner. I've personally known hundreds of trans women and can't think of a single instance where one of them seeking something more substantial than a casual hookup dated a chaser and ended up happy.
In my case, once I had finally decided to transition, I too resigned myself to the likelihood that I would likely never find love again. I had just left an eight year relationship with a woman whom I had loved deeply, but was not attracted to, and had a great many difficulties in getting along with, besides. As such, I decided that focusing on my transition and enjoying being single for at least the first six months going forward was the best policy.
I'm so glad I did, because this six month period of not worrying about any relationships besides friendships was pivotal in me finding myself and gaining the self-esteem I needed for choosing the right partner. Always extremely shy and withdrawn prior to my transition, I discovered an outgoing side to myself, and ended up making lots of friends in my trans support group; and, subsequently, the club scene they introduced me to. During this time, I had many chaser types pursue me, but I wouldn't give them more than the time of day. I was having too much fun with my girl friends to care about them.
As it turned out, my single period ended up lasting quite a bit longer than six months. (Other than an out-of-state "boyfriend" I had for a couple months and only saw twice before he moved across country.) But that turned out for the best when deciding not to compromise my standards led me to end up with the most amazing guy in the world. As fate would have it, we met at a cast party a community theatre friend invited me to (even though I had no involvement in their production!). He had never actually dated a trans woman before and subsequent behavior showed he was definitely no chaser. We started out as good friends for a few months, became romantic after that, and have now been together very happily for 2 1/2 years. From day one, he's always treated me as a woman, first and foremost, and has never made my being trans a big thing. He loves *me*, not some "unicorn" quality I ostensibly possess.
Admittedly, I've been incredibly lucky in landing this remarkable man. However, I tell my story as a testament to my fellow straight and bi trans sisters that finding true love is possible. (Although good men are admittedly very rare, they're out there.) Just never, ever settle for less than what you deserve, which is someone who loves and respects you for *who* you are.
In my case, once I had finally decided to transition, I too resigned myself to the likelihood that I would likely never find love again. I had just left an eight year relationship with a woman whom I had loved deeply, but was not attracted to, and had a great many difficulties in getting along with, besides. As such, I decided that focusing on my transition and enjoying being single for at least the first six months going forward was the best policy.
I'm so glad I did, because this six month period of not worrying about any relationships besides friendships was pivotal in me finding myself and gaining the self-esteem I needed for choosing the right partner. Always extremely shy and withdrawn prior to my transition, I discovered an outgoing side to myself, and ended up making lots of friends in my trans support group; and, subsequently, the club scene they introduced me to. During this time, I had many chaser types pursue me, but I wouldn't give them more than the time of day. I was having too much fun with my girl friends to care about them.
As it turned out, my single period ended up lasting quite a bit longer than six months. (Other than an out-of-state "boyfriend" I had for a couple months and only saw twice before he moved across country.) But that turned out for the best when deciding not to compromise my standards led me to end up with the most amazing guy in the world. As fate would have it, we met at a cast party a community theatre friend invited me to (even though I had no involvement in their production!). He had never actually dated a trans woman before and subsequent behavior showed he was definitely no chaser. We started out as good friends for a few months, became romantic after that, and have now been together very happily for 2 1/2 years. From day one, he's always treated me as a woman, first and foremost, and has never made my being trans a big thing. He loves *me*, not some "unicorn" quality I ostensibly possess.
Admittedly, I've been incredibly lucky in landing this remarkable man. However, I tell my story as a testament to my fellow straight and bi trans sisters that finding true love is possible. (Although good men are admittedly very rare, they're out there.) Just never, ever settle for less than what you deserve, which is someone who loves and respects you for *who* you are.
Lol no. I'm a gay man who dates men. I love the gay community because they're the only group who love bondage as much as they hate strings.
I did move to NY recently and it fels like one of the few places where there are enough men to actually date in the way straight people can pretty much anywhere.
I did move to NY recently and it fels like one of the few places where there are enough men to actually date in the way straight people can pretty much anywhere.
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Bi and poly here, and it's been pretty easy, but I might just be lucky. I've got two partners at the moment and they're easily the best humans I've had the pleasure of dating.
I'm a gay Muslim living in a country that doesn't recognize gays and I'm in a 9-year relationship. Granted it's long distance but that doesn't stop us from seeing each other here in Malaysia and going out and being happy together.
But back to OPs question. I think that with the advent of gay apps its actually going to get more easier to get partners. It's just so simple to hook up and potentially develop a relationship. Most my friends met their boyfriends through Grindr etc
Edit: I don't mean to narrow it down to gays however. But not too sure what the options are for the other colours of the rainbow when it comes to dating apps
But back to OPs question. I think that with the advent of gay apps its actually going to get more easier to get partners. It's just so simple to hook up and potentially develop a relationship. Most my friends met their boyfriends through Grindr etc
Edit: I don't mean to narrow it down to gays however. But not too sure what the options are for the other colours of the rainbow when it comes to dating apps
So being asexual made it tough, but also in a way it made it easy because I didn't actively seek out a partner. I declined anyone who tried during high school because I didn't see the point of it all. I was content on being single... but unlike some asexuals, I am not aromantic. So occasionally I would watch a romantic show or movie and feel like I was missing out.
Sex never interested me (unless you count me finding porn hilarious), but it's hard to find someone who understands that. 99% of people expect sex to be a part of the equation when you become closer.
Life happens, and I started hanging out with a guy as a good friend and it eventually turned into dating. Soon we will be moving in together.
He has no hangups with my orientation and our relationship is very akin to best friends who sleep in the same bed, cuddle and be intimate in nearly every way. I've never had a closer bond with someone and I can say unless something truly catastrophic happens I doubt our relationship will waver. We both share the same opinions on kids, housing and long term life goals, and we have bedroom compatibility. Yes, sex is involved but he is the only one I can imagine having it with. I wasn't too keen about it at first but it makes him happy and that makes it worth it to me.
If you read asexual forums, you'll find that it has its share of frustrated and lonely people looking for a partner who understands them in a hyper-sexualized world. I feel like I really lucked out and I'm glad I didn't restrict my dating pool to other asexuals.
Sex never interested me (unless you count me finding porn hilarious), but it's hard to find someone who understands that. 99% of people expect sex to be a part of the equation when you become closer.
Life happens, and I started hanging out with a guy as a good friend and it eventually turned into dating. Soon we will be moving in together.
He has no hangups with my orientation and our relationship is very akin to best friends who sleep in the same bed, cuddle and be intimate in nearly every way. I've never had a closer bond with someone and I can say unless something truly catastrophic happens I doubt our relationship will waver. We both share the same opinions on kids, housing and long term life goals, and we have bedroom compatibility. Yes, sex is involved but he is the only one I can imagine having it with. I wasn't too keen about it at first but it makes him happy and that makes it worth it to me.
If you read asexual forums, you'll find that it has its share of frustrated and lonely people looking for a partner who understands them in a hyper-sexualized world. I feel like I really lucked out and I'm glad I didn't restrict my dating pool to other asexuals.
Do you have a preference for men vs women? I've identified as straight most of my life but the past year or so have realized I find some dudes attractive (but am generally more attracted to women). If my current relationship ever ends I might try dating men and see how I like it, I've always struggled to meet women as well.
This is exactly my experience. And as someone who is soon leaving my 20s, my priorities and outlook are very different from most people on hookup apps. Its really interesting and depressing to see the behavior of single 30s LGBT+ persons on those apps. I still haven't figured it out and feel it will only get more difficult.
I'm in a relationship now, but this perfectly describes my life when I'm single.
Lol
I had reached a point in my life where I thought I would die alone
and then I met my husband on Grindr
We dated long distance for a year, and then locally afterward and got married a year after that.
I'm not sure about an outright preference since I've had an extremely lopsided amount of experience with men, but I'm hoping to get more experience with women. With that said, if I ever find a life partner (huge if lmao) I doubt my experience with either gender would have any positive or negative effect on that.
that's amazing. I hope the best for you, it can get tough in those regions and having someone for so long is really admirable.
It's great to hear about how everyone is getting laid more than me...
(I have obviously had a lot of trouble on this front, but I think it's about time I got back in the game).
(I have obviously had a lot of trouble on this front, but I think it's about time I got back in the game).
I've never been in a same sex relationship where it wasn't primarily about sex or I wasn't put in a situation where the other person wanted to have multiple sexual partners (and just cheating when I'm uncomfortable with that).
Apps are the absolute worst but bars/clubs are no better. I ended up trying to date women again though it ain't going perfectly.
Apps are the absolute worst but bars/clubs are no better. I ended up trying to date women again though it ain't going perfectly.
If you don't mind answering, how involved in sex are you, or how involved does your partner expect you to be? I always imagined that if I were in a relationship I'd be very clinical about it
Extremely . I live in an Arab country where homosexuality is punishable by law. It's rarely applied but it obfuscates the community even more and pushes it into the underground / under the radar sphere which reinforces the sexual and hook-up aspects attached to it
You can't be in a library and discover that the person next to you is gay throughout a conversation ( not that it would happen that way but you get it) . Dating apps become the only way to remotely get to know someone and sex is the main driving force.
I've been finding it hard because I met many people throughout Tinder but chose to never date anyone. I'm lucky that I never had a bad experience but I believe in developing a relationship with someone and sexual activities are a manifestation of love to that person. Yeah, hopeless romantic here I guess.
But I'm at peace with the fact that I have no regrets yet.
You can't be in a library and discover that the person next to you is gay throughout a conversation ( not that it would happen that way but you get it) . Dating apps become the only way to remotely get to know someone and sex is the main driving force.
I've been finding it hard because I met many people throughout Tinder but chose to never date anyone. I'm lucky that I never had a bad experience but I believe in developing a relationship with someone and sexual activities are a manifestation of love to that person. Yeah, hopeless romantic here I guess.
But I'm at peace with the fact that I have no regrets yet.
Aye. As someone living in Scotland. It is definitely harder to find a partner.
Finding casual sex is quite easy though. That's partially why I'm not overly keen on being active on Grindr/Scruff much. They are all needy gits xD
Have just learned to focus more on my career and other aspects of life. I know someone will come along eventually.
Finding casual sex is quite easy though. That's partially why I'm not overly keen on being active on Grindr/Scruff much. They are all needy gits xD
Have just learned to focus more on my career and other aspects of life. I know someone will come along eventually.
31 years old and I've only managed to have one relationship that ended over 7 years ago.. I'm starting to freak the fuck out.
Oh yes. I'm in a relationship now, but before that it took me very long and a lot of frustration to find someone I could connect with.
The thing is, for gay people it's hard for it to happen naturally. Like, you don't meet people at work, or at the grocery store, or at the bus, because there's always that fear of "is he gay, is he gonna bash me if I hit on him and he isn't, what if he's gay but closeted, what if he isn't closeted but is too afraid to look gay in public anyway". So you basically have to rely on apps.
And apps usually don't lead nowhere except for sex, because people there either just want sex or bring a lot of expectations, you might be the third guy they had dated that week and it's all tiring, everybody is desperate to find someone but at the same time they're too tired and will give up too easy.
When I actually met my boyfriend was when I took a time from apps and stopped looking, this guy I had followed on Instagram ages ago because I liked his landscape photographies came to talk to me and we decided to go on a date and three years later were living together now.
The thing is, for gay people it's hard for it to happen naturally. Like, you don't meet people at work, or at the grocery store, or at the bus, because there's always that fear of "is he gay, is he gonna bash me if I hit on him and he isn't, what if he's gay but closeted, what if he isn't closeted but is too afraid to look gay in public anyway". So you basically have to rely on apps.
And apps usually don't lead nowhere except for sex, because people there either just want sex or bring a lot of expectations, you might be the third guy they had dated that week and it's all tiring, everybody is desperate to find someone but at the same time they're too tired and will give up too easy.
When I actually met my boyfriend was when I took a time from apps and stopped looking, this guy I had followed on Instagram ages ago because I liked his landscape photographies came to talk to me and we decided to go on a date and three years later were living together now.
Decided I was ready to try same sex interactions.
Downloaded Grindr. My first meet up led to nothing because I was just curious and scared and just wanted to meet someone else who was gay.
My second meet up led to getting laid the next day and 3 years later (including 1 year of long distance dating), we're married.
So I didn't have to try very hard to find my husband, but I DID have to work very hard to make the relationship work. Shits not easy, especially long distance. But it's us against the world.
And the sex is like almost every day.
We both would loathe the idea of reentering the gay dating pool. It's awful, full of vapid, shallow people and old gays that just want sex but no relationship.
Downloaded Grindr. My first meet up led to nothing because I was just curious and scared and just wanted to meet someone else who was gay.
My second meet up led to getting laid the next day and 3 years later (including 1 year of long distance dating), we're married.
So I didn't have to try very hard to find my husband, but I DID have to work very hard to make the relationship work. Shits not easy, especially long distance. But it's us against the world.
And the sex is like almost every day.
We both would loathe the idea of reentering the gay dating pool. It's awful, full of vapid, shallow people and old gays that just want sex but no relationship.
Really difficult. In the last year, I've had dates with more than a dozen different guys. Got ghosted by half of them, got told I was too fat/too short (135 lbs / 5'-6"), etc.
It's really tiresome.
It's really tiresome.
He usually has to initiate. If I respond back positively then we continue, if not he stops (rarely have I denied him though).
I'm not repulsed by sex at all, I just don't seek it out or think about it much which is why I let him decide when we do it. I could easily survive a sexless relationship but I know he has needs so I help him with it. I enjoy the fact that we are doing an activity together over the act of sex itself, though I guess it can be a fun way to pass time. :P he has way more fun on his end tbh lol
I'll never stop being extremely jealous of people who find their SO on their first couple of tries.
(seriously though, congrats and I'm glad it's working out!)
I'm ace, I just think most people seeking romantic relationships are too focused on wanting a sexual relationship, which isn't something I'm comfortable with. I know I'm a physically attractive male, however, I don't think that matters as I want a platonic relationship based on mutual respect, friendship, and enjoying the person for their personality. It's difficult because I believe dating apps are geared more towards sexual relationships.
I'm fine living a life single, however, I do want to attempt dating again knowing that I'm ace, unlike my failed middle school/high school relationships thinking I was hetero.
I'm fine living a life single, however, I do want to attempt dating again knowing that I'm ace, unlike my failed middle school/high school relationships thinking I was hetero.
How's the scene in LA (specifically for a black gay man)?
I've been in a relationship for five years but we've been through plenty of ups and downs and I'll be moving out there soon. We're going to try to make it work but, I really don't know we're up to going back to long distance.
I've been in a relationship for five years but we've been through plenty of ups and downs and I'll be moving out there soon. We're going to try to make it work but, I really don't know we're up to going back to long distance.
I want to add you have to be fit in some degree as well. Muscular and athletic will get your foot through the door regardless of race
But yeah people are shallow and have high standards even if they don't adhere to them. Makes it a bit more difficult
I will say if you are white, muscular, and/or good looking any of them will get you somewhere having all three you're gonna eat well but dating will still be somewhat difficult. Most people are only there for sex on the apps and trouble encountering them IRL makes for a lonely life
I tried OKCupid and Grindr 6-8 years ago and had a very small number of dates with people I wasn't attracted to. All in all, my bad experiences have turned me away from trying at all. Don't really know any gay people, and I'm fine with that. I just have to find ways to manage my high libido. I have other things that I'd rather pursue in my life.
Bi so my experience is a bit mor eprivaleged maybe than most here, but of my experience with men unless you're on a night out in a nightclub heavy metropolitan city like my local Liverpool, you're gonna really struggle to figure out who's gay or not.
:(
Not that it's my place to try to influence your life or anything, but have you considered moving? The west ain't perfect but you can't get arrested for just being who you are here.
:(
Not that it's my place to try to influence your life or anything, but have you considered moving? The west ain't perfect but you can't get arrested for just being who you are here.
I'm gay. I did cruising throughout university (postings ads on Craigslist and stuff), really just trying to get my fetishes satisfied, and hoping a relationship would develop. I was in a long-distance relationship, met a fellow fur through twitter, who lived on the other side of the country. He wasn't into the fetishes I was into, I thought I could change.
I ended up going to an in-patient treatment program, for cruising and other issues. Relationship I was in at the time crashed and burned a couple of months after I was done the in-patient treatment program, since he thought that once I was done, my fetishes would no longer be an issue. That wasn't the case.
I was depressed for around a year or so, though, through that time I came to accept myself and my fetishes, not feeling intense guilt and shame every time I thought about them and engaged in them. I met a different fur through twitter, who is into the same fetishes I'm into, it's also a long-distance relationship, we've been together close to 3.5 years, communication is an issue for sure. We're trying to live together, we live in different countries, so there's immigration issues, and we're both dealing with health issues, his are more severe, so I'm okay to wait until he's healthier.
I ended up going to an in-patient treatment program, for cruising and other issues. Relationship I was in at the time crashed and burned a couple of months after I was done the in-patient treatment program, since he thought that once I was done, my fetishes would no longer be an issue. That wasn't the case.
I was depressed for around a year or so, though, through that time I came to accept myself and my fetishes, not feeling intense guilt and shame every time I thought about them and engaged in them. I met a different fur through twitter, who is into the same fetishes I'm into, it's also a long-distance relationship, we've been together close to 3.5 years, communication is an issue for sure. We're trying to live together, we live in different countries, so there's immigration issues, and we're both dealing with health issues, his are more severe, so I'm okay to wait until he's healthier.
Bisexual guy here that just turned 35. I've had one serious relationship so far, but it was long-distance and at some point I unfortunately realized that I couldn't see a future with him, so I ended it before the commitment got too serious. I'm really not into sex with strangers, so apps like Grindr are just not my thing. I don't have a problem with casual sex itself, but I prefer having friends with benefits than random hookups with total strangers. Sex just doesn't do it for me if I don't care about the other person at all, and I also can't relax properly.
The problem is also that I'm really not into the whole gay scene, as in gay clubs, pride events and such, and I just don't feel comfortable there. I'm a metalhead and I enjoy going to rock/metal bars, but good luck finding gay/bi guys in there. Doesn't help that the kind of guy I'm attracted to doesn't stick out from that crowd at all. So far the internet or meeting people through friends have been my only salvation.
The problem is also that I'm really not into the whole gay scene, as in gay clubs, pride events and such, and I just don't feel comfortable there. I'm a metalhead and I enjoy going to rock/metal bars, but good luck finding gay/bi guys in there. Doesn't help that the kind of guy I'm attracted to doesn't stick out from that crowd at all. So far the internet or meeting people through friends have been my only salvation.
Thank you for your warm response <3
I have lived in the USA ( will also have a semester abroad there in the fall) and a byproduct of my studying and work is traveling across countries.
I'm only 22 and I do have an instinctive feeling that I will live abroad eventually.
It's really sad because it affects the way I look at socialization and even the state. No matter how brilliant I am and regardless of what I'm benefitting my nation with I'm considered worse than rapists and murderers. I don't even feel like a citizen unfortunately
Difficult, I suppose.
Like, it's difficult to say what my love life has been like without getting into the fact I'm autistic and gay because those things play off each other. Like, one example is most common gay venues tend to also be sensory overload so it's like guess I'll leave ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
But I was also lucky to find my boyfriend of almost six years too, but if something bad were to happen (I don't think that'd happen, though) I really not sure if I'd be able to go through the find process again.
Like, it's difficult to say what my love life has been like without getting into the fact I'm autistic and gay because those things play off each other. Like, one example is most common gay venues tend to also be sensory overload so it's like guess I'll leave ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
But I was also lucky to find my boyfriend of almost six years too, but if something bad were to happen (I don't think that'd happen, though) I really not sure if I'd be able to go through the find process again.
