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I really fucked up

Wintermute

Wintermute

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,051
these fucking threads, sometimes etc is worse than r/relationships.

honestly op i suspect you left out details that paint yourself in an even less flattering light. although what you describe is hugely stepping over the line and breaking trust, i think there's more context to her and others reactions to you. i think you know that. also as others note, the whole encounter and its aftermath seem deeply manipulative. your telling her you were going to go tell her ex what you'd done - it's hard to see that as anything other than you punishing her rejection.

irrespective. leave her alone. dont contact her again. dont try and go through her friends. this is your shit, own it. go see a therapist, be honest with them. dont come to a forum to vent, unsurprisingly you aren't getting much sympathy. also please try to cut out the drink - if it's that serious join a program, or talk it out with a therapist too.

we all fuck up, and at one time or another have been shitty to those around us. if we want to grow then we have to recognise exactly what it was we did and genuinely reflect on it. the question is, your posting here, does that count as reflection, or navel gazing?

i'm sorry your life is shitty right now, but i honestly dont feel like era is the place to get help. do this the right way. reach out to someone professionally. and dont lean on your friends, it's not their role to emotionally prop you up.
 
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Tzarscream

Tzarscream

Banned
Oct 28, 2017
2,945
OP I think you're probably feeling a lot of guilt right now and you've clearly been lurching from one bad decision to another in a panic.

I don't think posting here helps due to the peanut gallery shouting "SHAME" at you from a distance.

Think you should take some deep breaths, draw a line under it, move on with your life and see a therapist regarding anxiety/isolation/depression etc (as all people should really).

Yeah you made an awkward pass and doubled down on it, we've all made awkward mistakes at some point in our lives, but now just move on and just learn from your mistakes.

You guilt tripping yourself is making things worse, and having half of Era add that extra weight is even worse still. You're a human being and you made a mistake, guilting yourself months after the event doesn't solve anything.
 
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Deleted member 46489

User requested account closure
Banned
Aug 7, 2018
1,979
It's very clear that he thinks of her as property. When she refused him and left, he messaged her saying that he was about to tell her ex about this shit. Why would you do that? Why in seven hells does her ex need to know at all? And not only that, after he told her ex, he wrote that he was ready to be beaten by her ex. Basically in his mind, since he'd tried to "own" the woman and failed, he felt it was his duty to inform the previous "owner" of his attempt and accept any beating from this guy on account of his "attempted theft".

There's no empathy in this post. Only narcissistic, objectifying, creepy behavior. And this is HIS side of the story. Who knows what her side is.

OP, you need to self-reflect. And you need help. Because the signals you're giving off in your post here are all wrong. If you dream of ever finding happiness or a good partner, you'll need to change a LOT.
 
Sho_Nuff82

Sho_Nuff82

Member
Nov 14, 2017
18,614
OP, the best you can do with this scenario is to take it as a learning experience.

- A proposition to a dear friend on the way out of town is kinda crass. Since you obviously weren't proposing dating, that's why she interpreted it as being used for sex.
- When a woman tells you no, it's your responsibility to deal with it, not hers to explain herself. There are millions of women in the country, date (or fuck) another. There are ways of taking rejection without blowing up a potential friendship, but for now just settle down with "leave her alone".
- Having a very small friend and dating circle works on TV, but just leads to drama in real life. All of your friends in this town live together, work together, and date each other. It's not healthy outside of college imo.
- Ask yourself, why do you think your roommate would want to fight you after being turned down by his ex? And why, in your mixed feelings of rejection and guilt, did you seek the pain of his judgement?
- Never show up at someone's house unannounced if they choose not to reply to your correspondence. No on in life owes you closure, not even ex wives and children. You are not Bojack Horseman and no one finds this endearing.
- You have to be honest with yourself, even if you can't be honest with Era. If you need to talk to someone about your issues, a therapist would serve better than a message board or laying all of your problems in your friends' laps. The only thing you've openly mentioned is alcoholism, which may require a professional touch sooner than later. Get help, then mend fences. If people don't want to give you a second chance, again, that's their choice - other humans do not exist to subsidize or minimize your issues, they have limits especially if you're not family.

I hope you get the help you need OP, Godspeed.
 

Deleted member 31133

User requested account closure
Banned
Nov 5, 2017
4,155
You made a mistake by just coming out and asking her to sleep with you. If I was single and I asked one of my close female friends randomly if they wanted sex, I'd most likely get the same reaction. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be friends anymore either.

I would say learn and move on, but judging by your write up it seems you're struggling to learn from this mistake and are seeking forgiveness. She may forgive you in time. She may never forgive you. That's up to her and there is not much you can do about it. If you ever want to be friends again, then give her time and space, but accept the fact that she may never forgive you.

You want to grow as a person? Good. In that case accept your mistake and move on. Also, quit the drinking. If you suffer from depression then that'll make it worse.

Hopefully you'll learn from this and come out of it a better person.
 
Captain Tuttle

Captain Tuttle

Member
Oct 27, 2017
8,007
JaeCryo said:
Truthfully, I do not know. At the very least, I dont think I deserve to be forgiven, as any desire to ask for it shows that I didnt learn from my mistake, or that I am still self-oriented and not capable of being empathetic to her feelings concerning what happened. I am reluctant to share the thoughts and events I have struggled with in my life before and during this time which might look like I am attempting to paint over my actions with a coat of excuses, but even that reluctance is a guilt which I cant bear anymore.

I dont know what else to say. Ive been here before, and I know I will be again. I dont know how to be bigger than this.
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I think you need to find a way to forgive yourself even though your friend may never forgive you.

This friendship is over, learn from your mistakes and move on
 
Salty_Josh

Salty_Josh

Member
Oct 28, 2017
2,942
It's a 2 step process:
Step 1 - move
Step 2 - on

For real though, don't wallow in self-pity and regret, just keep it moving
 
Officer Big Mac

Officer Big Mac

Member
Oct 28, 2017
22,596
I hope OP isnt so overwhelmed by guilt he shuts down and has ignored this thread. Getting help to work through these issues is critical because next time hes going to have a restraining order placed on him or worse.

It's not the end of the world OP. You made some mistakes but the adult thing to do would be to learn from them. Theres always tomorrow to turn it all around.
 
iFirez

iFirez

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,649
England
Mekanos said:
These people should ask their female friends "should we have sex?" out of nowhere and see how they react.
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Funnily enough, I've never done that - BUT I have had female friends say something similar to me a few times.

I would say 99% of these times it has been after some flirtatious texting. It gets messy when one of us develop feelings but we've all remained friends and such. However, this was all consensual and had a lead up to it. It wasn't a random out of the blue "Hey let's fuck" kind of thing to someone who you've had no sexual interest in... ever. EXCEPT, once. A friend of mine and I were drinking one night and I got SUPER drunk and crashed in my room, assuming she'd either leave or crash on the sofa - as has happened in the past. However, I kind of come to with her laid next to me getting undressed and getting into my bed. This was an extremely sobering moment for me as I had zero romantic or sexual interest in her. She continued to "make her move" and even said "let's just fuck, it'l be fun". I proclaimed No quite a few times before she stopped. She ended up just sleeping on the sofa and then apologised a TON the next day but I was very "I have a busy day... can you leave please".

Needless to say that friendship was ruined for a GOOOOOD long time. I don't think I spoke to her for... 3 years? I've seen her 3-4 times since then when out with other friends and we're fine with each other but there's still that aura of awkwardness because of that night.

I think this shows that jumping to sex without any sort of recent flirtatious or suggestion behaviour is just... well let's just say it's a big leap, one that I imagine wouldn't go down well. I'm sure there's a lot of guys on here who have female friends they'd never sleep with... right? I know I do! The same ofcourse applies to women; they have male friends they don't want to sleep with... why? Because they're friends.

I honestly think if you are interested in a friend of yours, ask them for a meal together and have a nice time and see where things go. It may feel awkward as fuck to try to introduce a romantic element to your friendship - if so... back off. If it feels natural ask them how they feel, gauge their feelings and reactions and act accordingly. Don't just sit next to them on a bench and ask if they think your friendship would be ruined if you fucked.
 
Secretofmateria

Secretofmateria

User requested ban
Banned
Oct 27, 2017
8,424
Hey its really tough, but having gone through something similar the best thing to do is move on and work on yourself. Maybe she'll want to talk again maybe not, no matter what you cant be the one to try to rebuild that bridge, the ball is completely in her court. I know its hard, but now is the time where you work on you
 
Indy in the Fridge

Indy in the Fridge

Banned
Oct 30, 2017
15,278
Can anyone on this forum handle a social situation in which spaghetti doesn't spontaneously spill out from their JNCO pockets?

OP, you can't excuse your proposition by stating you didn't see her as some sort of conquest. Talking about personal stuff with a friend isn't an invitation to bang. It's not flirting and mulling it over for a couple of hours isn't a good excuse either.
 
Reckheim

Reckheim

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
9,571
We all fuck up but don't push the issue, its obvious she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore so move on and never contact her again.
 
Fulminator

Fulminator

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,227
Been in a similar situation but I moved on pretty quickly. learn from it and move on. Happens to the best of us.

hope you feel better and get some help if you need
 

Deleted member 3010

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
10,974
You did fuck up, the relationship is pretty much done and you should move on as continuing to pressure her will only make it worse.

The silver lining in this story is that you regret that initiative and learned something through a social experiment for which you felt confident enough to try, even though it wasn't a good idea. You'll know how to behave if you find yourself in a similar situation with someone else in the future.
 
tellNoel

tellNoel

Member
Oct 26, 2017
10,263
There are times in our life where we say stuff that we greatly regret. This seems like the first time for you, but it may not be the last. If you don't learn from it, you'll just keep making the same mistakes down the road. You have to forgive yourself and move on. Apologize to that person and make peace with yourself.
It wasn't smart to ask her that all of a sudden. I understand that when you're in a vulnerable state with somebody and you start to share things that you can't share with anybody else you start to develop feelings for that person. You might not want to, but it's just you wanting to connect with that person on an even deeper level.
But you definitely leaped before you learned to walk in that situation.
We fuck up. It happens.
Forgive yourself and hope that person forgives you and move on with your life.
Dwelling on it forever will only kill you physically, mentally, and emotionally for God knows how long.
 
Rygar 8Bit

Rygar 8Bit

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,105
Site-15
Need to ask the person if they have any feelings for you. Not just straight to hey do you want to fuck? This one is done you need to make new friends and learn from it.
 
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Good4Squat

Good4Squat

Member
Nov 2, 2017
3,157
Forgive yourself OP. You did something that was taken differently to how you thought it would. That is the risk sometimes in communication.
 
BDS

BDS

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
13,845
Hello ma'am. Would you like to engage in consensual sexual intercourse with me?
 
Ryo Hazuki

Ryo Hazuki

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,531
So you asked her for sex, when she said no you took her hand, repeatedly tried to call her and knocked on her door a few times and this isn't even someone you're in a relationship with at the time, just some colleague / friend? Yeah you fucked up really bad. The reason everyone blocked you is because she probably told them what you had done. Time to move on.
 
SweetNicole

SweetNicole

The Old Guard
Member
Oct 24, 2017
6,543
You need to see a therapist, immediately. You need help, serious help, and it is help that no one here can provide you with.
 
Threadkular

Threadkular

Member
Dec 29, 2017
2,429
www.resetera.com

Sober Era? Let's Stay Sober OT

**October 2019 Update** I want to stop drinking/smoking/using You've already taken the first step. Below are some resources that can help you along your journey. The Sinclair Method - re-engineer how your brain reacts to alcohol The AA Program - community based 12 step program Please do post...
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It's amazing how many of your problems go away when you stop using. You seemed to grab on to the straight edge thing pretty good (maybe holding on too long - that's the past). Try embracing something different.
 
whytemyke

whytemyke

The Fallen
Oct 28, 2017
3,797
BDS said:
Hello ma'am. Would you like to engage in consensual sexual intercourse with me?
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"What do you mean, no? I bought you this lovely platter at Applebee's and hinted at serious subjects with you. Plus, you haven't heard my sales pitch!"


Honestly, OP, I've got a couple thoughts here.
1) You took your shot and missed. Most people here wouldn't do that (see point #2) but you did. She said no. Time to move on.
2) It's important that you learn why this is such a bad look and why you probably feel bad. By taking her out to dinner you're talking about re-connecting a friendship and then you try to subvert it by objectifying her as a sexual object. That's a really shitty thing to do to someone and a huge betrayal of trust they put in you when you say you want to reconnect. To say nothing of the manner in which you say you said it, which is creepy in and of itself.

It's a bad look-- because it's a shitty thing to do. You can't change the past, you can only learn from it. And it's very important that you do learn from it, or you're going to be on Incel websites in a couple years posting about why women should be subservient to men, all because you've got the social IQ of a potato and can't read a room. I don't say that to be mean, but to warn you that this really seems like a behavior that you need to identify, learn from and fix.

And please don't go anywhere near this girl again. If by chance your paths should cross again, just say "Hi" and carry on. Your presence at this point will contribute nothing positive to her life moving forward, unfortunately. But if you learn from this, then you can still be a greatly positive contributor to the lives of others in the future. :)
 
Advance.Wars.Sgt.

Advance.Wars.Sgt.

Member
Jun 10, 2018
8,969
sabrina said:
Her reaction makes perfect sense. That kind of event can be fucking traumatizing. It really fucks up with your sensibilities, because it causes you to question every single platonic relationship you have with a male. Does he just want to fuck me? Do all of them just want to fuck me?

So yeah. You fucked up. You're going to be best off if you never talk to her again, and that's going to be the best for her too. This isn't the kind of trespass you can apologize away.
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Piggybacking off of this: to make matters worse, you ask this of a person who just recently broke up with your ex roommate.

So yeah, like sabrina said this girl is now questioning (and likely) view you as one those predatory creeps who was just waiting for their chance at her instead of a genuine friend. My estimation too is that your comment is probably not just an isolated incident - that you've habitually crossed the line before in more subtle ways and your blatant proposal was the final straw.

Be better OP.
 
Euphoria

Euphoria

Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,645
Earth
You had a falling out, then talked her into hanging out and then instantly went and asked if you both should fuck?

Yeah you fucked up. That decision was really dumb but it's done now. Let it go and move on with your life. You won't care about this once you make new friends and enter the next stage of your life. You were moving away anyways so no need to dwell on it.
 
Wintermute

Wintermute

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,051
Yaboosh said:
At least he didn't plug bare wires into an outlet and then stick the frayed ends into her hand while she was sleeping! And then get mad at her for being bratty when she reacted poorly to that.
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Stoof said:
Damn, there a story for this?
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yikes. just looked it up, seems like they deleted their post. here's the undeleted version https://removeddit.com/r/relationsh..._27m_wife_27f_electrocuted_me_as_a_prank_and/
 
blaze

blaze

Member
Oct 25, 2017
759
UK
You fucked up and it sounds like there's a bit more to the story than how it reads but these are mistakes people need to learn from when growing up, there's no point being lambasted by everyone to the point where you're frightened to even try with other people. It'll be a mistake you probably won't forget and you'll cringe about it years from now but the main thing is you learn from it.

Delete the girls number from your phone, move on and try to forget about it, you absolutely overstepped after she initially said no and clearly she was frightened about it when you kept contacting her but you've got an opportunity to start fresh now you've moved. You're not going to fix it yourself, you'll only make things worse by trying to.
 
Charcoal

Charcoal

Member
Nov 2, 2017
7,646
"So did you like the mozzarella sticks?"

"Yeah, they were pretty good."

"Would you like to try...my mozzarella stick?"
 
Chixdiggit

Chixdiggit

Banned
Oct 31, 2017
1,447
Like others have said just leave her alone. And by that we also mean do not try contacting her one last time to tell her that you are now leaving her alone.
 
kubev

kubev

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,541
California
JaeCryo said:
For context, I strained our friendship to the point of nearly breaking over the course of several months at the start of the year due to making her my outlet for my issues. This made me really co-dependant with her, more one sided for me than for her, but we both had leaned on one another through some dark times.
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This is the main point that I derived from the OP. As others have mentioned, you should move on and consider this a learning experience. Stop drinking and seek professional help if you can't get past this. Too much of your relationship with her revolved around you dumping baggage on her (and you admit that you dumped more baggage on her than she dumped on you), and too much of the relationship was about you. Considering your approach to attempting to smooth things out up to this point, I don't think you can repair your relationship with her (nor should you try), but the lesson you should take from this is that you didn't really consider her feelings on this whole situation nearly enough. You seem to feel bad simply because you feel bad about what happened, rather than because your violated a friend's trust, and it seems like other people who know the two of you are getting the same vibe.
 
Immortan

Immortan

Member
Oct 26, 2017
2,457
Los Angeles
It seems like you asked her to fuck because you are leaving and wanted a good memory. That was pretty bad thing to go with, I understand you had a good 4 hour talk over dinner, but talking about life and times to then going, "hey lets fuck before I leave." probably wasn't a good look or good strategy. Move on from this mistake and then next time you will know better and judge the room before going from 10 to 1000.

And stop talking to her, you are coming off as a harasser, leaving for months and then showing up at her door, no wonder why she threatened to call the cops.
 
Arkeband

Arkeband

Banned
Nov 8, 2017
7,663
Yeah you need to just move on and make new friends. Also, never do the "haha, so anyway, why aren't we fucking?" conversation 180.

Also this kind of escalated into stalking, so, get a grip and leave her alone.
 
Yasuke

Yasuke

Member
Oct 25, 2017
19,822
Showing up at her crib uninvited is the only thing you did wrong. And that's a HUGE fuck up. Don't...do that.

Misreading signals isn't a crime in the proper setting with the right people, but it happens, and people are certainly allowed to not wanna fuck with you anymore afterwards. I'm sorry you lost mutual friends over it, but it seems like that chapter of your life was closing anyways. I know it still hurts, but fuck it.

Gotta move on.

Not saying this is the lesson here, but whew, being afraid of shit like this happening is why I almost exclusively let women approach me instead of vice versa. I'm not finna be that nigga that misread a situation.
 
Melkezadek

Melkezadek

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,168
Read through this a couple of times and I just...don't understand why you would ask that. Why didn't you just express your feelings for her?

Her reaction was justified and you have to be honest with yourself in regards to your true intentions on wanting to befriend her. This isn't the end of the world, but I highly recommend doing some soul searching and work on yourself before attempting to fill this loneliness. You're not a rapist, but that's definitively creep behavior.

Not going to pile on because I know you're already getting it. Just know that this isn't the end of the world but be sure to internalize this lesson.
 
Rory

Rory

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,159
Advance.Wars.Sgt. said:
So yeah, like sabrina said this girl is now questioning (and likely) view you as one those predatory creeps who was just waiting for their chance at her instead of a genuine friend. My estimation too is that your comment is probably not just an isolated incident - that you've habitually crossed the line before in more subtle ways and your blatant proposal was the final straw.

Be better OP.
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I have been there, and that idiot did not only cause me question all platonic male relationships but also made my boss kick me out (wtf?).

So yeah, I have been in that situation.

If he had come to apologise genuinely for the remark I'd still have told him "Thank you, but I do not want to be friends with you anymore.".
 
Fiction

Fiction

Fanthropologist
Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,837
Elf Tower, New Mexico
GrizzNKev said:
I read all this and... you should feel guilty. You did fuck up. Is it really that hard to be friends with a woman and not see them as an objective for sex?
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This is the truth op, I am sorry. If you could ask that question, you were not her friend, which is what she realized as soon as it came out of your mouth. She likely felt emotionally used, started questioning any physical intimacy you guys had previously had, etc.

From emotional conversation and her letting herself feel vulnerable by opening up to you, straight into "Hey should we fuck?"

Yeah, she is not going to talk to you again most likely.
 

Deleted member 11985

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 27, 2017
4,168
You should seek professional help. Whatever led you to try to visit her again is not healthy. The initial "wanna have sex" thing was stupid, yeah, but the getting drunk by yourself while ruminating about this girl non-stop and then showing up at her door is approaching dangerous territory.

I'm not calling you a bad person or anything. But I think you should probably put a hold on trusting your own judgement until you talk this over with a therapist.
 
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