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I never understood the stigma around bisexuality
- Thread starter Tounsi_Tag
- Start date
From what I'm reading in here and what I've heard myself, in theory yes, but in practice no, because so many people have incredibly ignorant beliefs about bisexual people. So if you're out as bi it might actually make dating harder.
When I came out to my mom it was as bisexual (after about a year of identifying as gay everywhere else) because I was afraid if there wasn't a possibility for a "passing" relationship she'd kick me out of the house on the spot.
After/during college though I think my sexuality really just includes anyone, regardless of gender expression, but that worry has always been there because of how badly my bi friends have been treated - especially those who have been with heterosexual partners. It really never made sense to me the amount of vitriol one can get just for exisiting and liking who you like.
After/during college though I think my sexuality really just includes anyone, regardless of gender expression, but that worry has always been there because of how badly my bi friends have been treated - especially those who have been with heterosexual partners. It really never made sense to me the amount of vitriol one can get just for exisiting and liking who you like.
I think sometimes gays and lesbians just can't manage to trust bisexuals too much, because they're perceived like people with too much choice benefits that may eventually want to have experiences during certain phases of their lives but that in the end will just settle down with having a "normal" traditional family.
It's kind of a bad prejudice but, in my experience, sometimes it's founded.
It's kind of a bad prejudice but, in my experience, sometimes it's founded.
I 'wanted' (not to diminish anyone's actual struggles as mine was not a struggle by any means) to be Bi when young so far as trying out the same gender to make sure. If there is a stigma I am sorry to hear that.
I guess maybe gay biphobic people think if their partner leaves them for another person of the same sex they "can compete" vs "competing" against the opposite sex.
It draws in assholes from your normal homophobic cis het group, and magically exposes the mirror image of said asshole exposing the latent homophobia in LGTBQ community. I said homophobia in regards to bigotry coming from
the queer community because imho its the core of biphobia.
the queer community because imho its the core of biphobia.
I am baffled by the people who are specifically angry at bisexual people for being "greedy". Like, that is the weirdest fucking stance. I didn't know it was a thing until somewhat recently. I have a bisexual friend who has openly dated women but has concealed her relationships with men from her family because her mother has expressed this opinion. Essentially, she is afraid to come out a second time. It is an incredibly stupid situation.
It is even more baffling when you have lesbians shunning others because they aren't "gold star lesbians" (I'm not sure if this happens with gay men as much, as I have only ever heard about it happening with women). Like... what the fuck?
It is even more baffling when you have lesbians shunning others because they aren't "gold star lesbians" (I'm not sure if this happens with gay men as much, as I have only ever heard about it happening with women). Like... what the fuck?
No one can tell you what gender to love because that is not their decision to make. It is your own decision to find who you are attracted to, whether it is the same gender you are or not.
It sucks.
Was talking with a coworker about a guy who came out as bisexual on Love is Blind, and her response was "oh, the gay one?" To which I tried to correct her that he was bisexual, and she went on to say if she found out if a guy said he was bi she would just treat him as if he were gay and wouldn't be interested.
This is pretty much the general attitude in the swinging community. I tend to leave the fact that I'm bisexual off of the profile because other couples aren't interested in us if they think I'm bi. Because they think I'll want to play with the husband even if he's straight.
Meanwhile it's almost as if it's "expected" for women to be at least somewhat bisexual in the swinging community. Total double-standard.
Was talking with a coworker about a guy who came out as bisexual on Love is Blind, and her response was "oh, the gay one?" To which I tried to correct her that he was bisexual, and she went on to say if she found out if a guy said he was bi she would just treat him as if he were gay and wouldn't be interested.
This is pretty much the general attitude in the swinging community. I tend to leave the fact that I'm bisexual off of the profile because other couples aren't interested in us if they think I'm bi. Because they think I'll want to play with the husband even if he's straight.
Meanwhile it's almost as if it's "expected" for women to be at least somewhat bisexual in the swinging community. Total double-standard.
The solution for that would be to help push for the normalization non heteronormative relationships if that's their fear.
Interesting thought. In general, people who try to limit who you interact with are always sending up HUGE red flags. It wouldn't surprise me if most of them would be biphobic as well.
A lot of it in the Gay / Lesbian space comes down to jealousy.
Somewhere deep down in the Homosexual psyche there's that nagging thought that if the worst comes to the worst and the pogroms start, Bisexuals can always slink back to Heterosexual relationships and pass without issue, rather than having to either live a lie or be exterminated.
It might not be likely, or logical, but humans are terrible at probability and rationality.
Somewhere deep down in the Homosexual psyche there's that nagging thought that if the worst comes to the worst and the pogroms start, Bisexuals can always slink back to Heterosexual relationships and pass without issue, rather than having to either live a lie or be exterminated.
It might not be likely, or logical, but humans are terrible at probability and rationality.
I guess that in the end, most problems in human relationships bows down to "i can't understand why you are like that, therefore, it's bad".
So when people already have a hard time getting why or how one could be homosexual, it's not that difficult to see that someone swinging both ways is weirding them out as much if not more.
So when people already have a hard time getting why or how one could be homosexual, it's not that difficult to see that someone swinging both ways is weirding them out as much if not more.
I'm not an expert on these things but aren't you actually referring to Pansexuality?
IIRC Bisexuality is the attraction to both sexes while Pansexuality is the attraction to any person no matter the gender.
Honestly it's disheartening at times. Like, to the point I don't even talk about it anymore. Most of the time you get it's just a phase, or you can't be trusted.
Too gay for some people, not gay enough for others.
In my experience I've gotten more shit for being bi from gay men more than anyone else.
Not to say all gay men are biphobic, but it's definitely not just because we are lumped in with gay men.
In my experience I've gotten more shit for being bi from gay men more than anyone else.
Not to say all gay men are biphobic, but it's definitely not just because we are lumped in with gay men.
As a bi-boy it seems like for me... No one believes me but my partner on either aspect or they think I'm the other thing. Gays think I'm straight and making it up and straights thing I'm gay and I just don't wanna admit it. I've also been told I'll never be satisfied or that I'm a coward that wants the gay culture without actually being in the group.
I guess personally I just kinda feel alone because of it, like I don't feel like I'm part of a group I'm just kind of outsider whose lucky to have someone actually accepting of me. Also being in a relationship with a cis woman people act like I should just go back in the closet too, like there's very much a "are you preparing to cheat!" which of course not I'm happy. I just like having an aspect of myself figured out
I guess personally I just kinda feel alone because of it, like I don't feel like I'm part of a group I'm just kind of outsider whose lucky to have someone actually accepting of me. Also being in a relationship with a cis woman people act like I should just go back in the closet too, like there's very much a "are you preparing to cheat!" which of course not I'm happy. I just like having an aspect of myself figured out
As a part of the community do you mind shedding light onto why that is or is it ignorance and bigotry? I just don't understand the notion that a man can't be bi when he does in fact sleep and pursue both men and women.
In my experience as a bisexual man, the worst bullshit I've been faced with comes from some people in the gay community.
I've had gay dudes roll their eyes in my face, ghost and block me in online chat environments the second they found out I'm bi and I had a dude accuse me of being a closet case AT FUCKING GAY PRIDE.
I'm led to understand that being bisexual was a big problem for a lot of straight women in previous generations, particularly when homophobia was rampant and the AIDS pandemic was at it's worst. But from my generation (I'm 31), I can't think of an experience where a straight girl found out where she was anything worse than "that's cool".
I've had gay dudes roll their eyes in my face, ghost and block me in online chat environments the second they found out I'm bi and I had a dude accuse me of being a closet case AT FUCKING GAY PRIDE.
I'm led to understand that being bisexual was a big problem for a lot of straight women in previous generations, particularly when homophobia was rampant and the AIDS pandemic was at it's worst. But from my generation (I'm 31), I can't think of an experience where a straight girl found out where she was anything worse than "that's cool".
This is again my own experience I'm obviously not picking on any one or groups in particular it's just been a very...... You don't belong here vibe. Idk I can't really place it specifically. Like "you think you relate but you don't" or I'm a scientist experiment to poke at and see how far you can go.
I'd say it's more to do with the false idea that if a guy is Bi it's a lot easier to just "go with a girl" so they'll be perceived as straight and have a much easier life. Particularly in certain parts of the country/depending on their family, this could be seen as a near inevitability.
Not that your boyfriend breaking up with you with a man vs a woman is somehow better. This also conflates with potential depression and self-esteem issues "am I really worth the extra effort" etc, of course all this ignores that a bi person could really just fall in love with a guy, and it could be them.
And another lot of it is just straight up bi-erasure/pick-a-side/i-don't-want-a-dick-that's-been-in-vagina nonsense.
As a gay man and speaking strictly from the gay men perspective, I would say it's defensiveness. Gay men are afraid of being hurt.
On gay and bisexual male message boards you see a lot of bi users talking about how they are into women "romantically" and men only "for sex". Personally I can separate sex from romance (and there are *plenty* of gay men who can as well) but I understand those that can't.
Also a lot of the "masc4masc" mentality comes from bisexual men, which is something that's not talked about often. There is some resentment about that.
On gay and bisexual male message boards you see a lot of bi users talking about how they are into women "romantically" and men only "for sex". Personally I can separate sex from romance (and there are *plenty* of gay men who can as well) but I understand those that can't.
Also a lot of the "masc4masc" mentality comes from bisexual men, which is something that's not talked about often. There is some resentment about that.
And that is without getting into bi and pan people getting mad at each other over semantics. :/
I'm glad this thread exists because resetera could do a lot better by its bisexual folks. I hope it starts a conversation.
I came out about a year ago. As of last January I am out to basically everyone I know. It has been a really positive experience, but not because of the reactions I got from other people. Gay people I have come out to do not believe me or, at best, do not support me. The very first person I came out to, other than my wife, was a gay man who I trusted. He told me he had never met a bisexual man before. I said well, now you have, and he laughed in my face.
I have been shunned in LGBT spaces. I have read hurtful and ignorant things about bisexual men in...pretty much every online lgbt space I have frequented. Someone said it earlier in the thread, you can feel like a science experiment; you say that you're bisexual and people feel free to impassively ask you deeply personal questions. The worst is articles and posts saying "I'm not biphobic but....I would never date a bisexual person." At least be honest, you're biphobic. Check out this article from queerty two years ago:
This is one of the premiere LGBT publications, with a nice, long article in which the writer both pats the community on the back for being so much more accepting of bi guys while also attempting to justify his expressions of biphobia. It's a shameful piece that got rightfully dragged on twitter, but I don't think it was ever retracted or discussed by queerty. This is just the way a lot of gay guys feel and a huge chunk of the lgbt community is okay with that.
And of course a lot of straight women feel the same way. "I'm not biphobic buuuuut...I wouldn't date a bisexual man because they are dirty/promiscuous/etc"
I wish it was safer for more bisexual men to come out. We rarely do. I just want to be able to tell guys what an incredible feeling it is. It changed my whole life. It completely shifted the way I viewed myself. It didn't matter how many people asked me shitty, overly personal questions about my sex life, or that my brother-in-law demanded my wife divorce me so she wouldn't get an STD from me, or any of the other crap. Every time I came out to someone I felt better. It turned out that the thing I thought made me broken actually made me strong.
I wish the lgbt community would do more to make us feel like we could "come home" to a real community when we are cast out from much of our old lives. We deserve it as much as anyone...that seems to be part of it, too, that our struggles aren't as bad so who cares if we come out, who cares if we are supported. We don't need it. I'm not sure what needs to happen there, it seems like the more noise we make, the more pushback we get. It's very dispiriting. The lgbt outreach center near me ended up just making a separate support group for bisexual people. I was in the midst of creating my own support group for bisexual men when the pandemic started. It is starting to feel to me like we just need our own spaces. And that's a little heartbreaking. I have yearned for over ten years to be a part of the lgbt community as myself, but I'm not sure I will ever feel like I am.
If I had one thing to ask the gay community here on era, it would be, please examine your personal thoughts on bisexual men. If you have any "I'm not biphobic, but...." thoughts, challenge them. But they are promiscuous. But I could never date one. But their struggles aren't as bad. But they're liars. But I don't really think the bi men I know are actually bi. And so on. Really challenge them. Challenge them in your community and yourselves. Stuff like this:
Sorry but that is not okay. That is biphobia. I'm sorry you had a bad experience but you should know that is an expression of biphobia, and it is damaging and it should be challenged, by you and by people around you.
I came out about a year ago. As of last January I am out to basically everyone I know. It has been a really positive experience, but not because of the reactions I got from other people. Gay people I have come out to do not believe me or, at best, do not support me. The very first person I came out to, other than my wife, was a gay man who I trusted. He told me he had never met a bisexual man before. I said well, now you have, and he laughed in my face.
I have been shunned in LGBT spaces. I have read hurtful and ignorant things about bisexual men in...pretty much every online lgbt space I have frequented. Someone said it earlier in the thread, you can feel like a science experiment; you say that you're bisexual and people feel free to impassively ask you deeply personal questions. The worst is articles and posts saying "I'm not biphobic but....I would never date a bisexual person." At least be honest, you're biphobic. Check out this article from queerty two years ago:
This is one of the premiere LGBT publications, with a nice, long article in which the writer both pats the community on the back for being so much more accepting of bi guys while also attempting to justify his expressions of biphobia. It's a shameful piece that got rightfully dragged on twitter, but I don't think it was ever retracted or discussed by queerty. This is just the way a lot of gay guys feel and a huge chunk of the lgbt community is okay with that.
And of course a lot of straight women feel the same way. "I'm not biphobic buuuuut...I wouldn't date a bisexual man because they are dirty/promiscuous/etc"
I wish it was safer for more bisexual men to come out. We rarely do. I just want to be able to tell guys what an incredible feeling it is. It changed my whole life. It completely shifted the way I viewed myself. It didn't matter how many people asked me shitty, overly personal questions about my sex life, or that my brother-in-law demanded my wife divorce me so she wouldn't get an STD from me, or any of the other crap. Every time I came out to someone I felt better. It turned out that the thing I thought made me broken actually made me strong.
I wish the lgbt community would do more to make us feel like we could "come home" to a real community when we are cast out from much of our old lives. We deserve it as much as anyone...that seems to be part of it, too, that our struggles aren't as bad so who cares if we come out, who cares if we are supported. We don't need it. I'm not sure what needs to happen there, it seems like the more noise we make, the more pushback we get. It's very dispiriting. The lgbt outreach center near me ended up just making a separate support group for bisexual people. I was in the midst of creating my own support group for bisexual men when the pandemic started. It is starting to feel to me like we just need our own spaces. And that's a little heartbreaking. I have yearned for over ten years to be a part of the lgbt community as myself, but I'm not sure I will ever feel like I am.
If I had one thing to ask the gay community here on era, it would be, please examine your personal thoughts on bisexual men. If you have any "I'm not biphobic, but...." thoughts, challenge them. But they are promiscuous. But I could never date one. But their struggles aren't as bad. But they're liars. But I don't really think the bi men I know are actually bi. And so on. Really challenge them. Challenge them in your community and yourselves. Stuff like this:
Sorry but that is not okay. That is biphobia. I'm sorry you had a bad experience but you should know that is an expression of biphobia, and it is damaging and it should be challenged, by you and by people around you.
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I think labeling bisexual people as closeted gay people is a thing because cases where it's true are still common, unfortunately, due to homophobia still being a huge problem.
This is completely anecdotal, of course, but I know at least 10 gay people who used to identify as bissexual because it was easier for them at the time. It's easier to come out to friends this way, specially if you're dating someone of the opposite sex at the time. Usually later, when they have built enough confidence, they come out as just simply gay.
This is very unfortunate both for these people, who feel they have to resort to something like that because they fear rejection, and for people who are actually bissexual and have to put up with this stigma that bissexuality isn't a thing and is just people trying to hide they are gay.
This is completely anecdotal, of course, but I know at least 10 gay people who used to identify as bissexual because it was easier for them at the time. It's easier to come out to friends this way, specially if you're dating someone of the opposite sex at the time. Usually later, when they have built enough confidence, they come out as just simply gay.
This is very unfortunate both for these people, who feel they have to resort to something like that because they fear rejection, and for people who are actually bissexual and have to put up with this stigma that bissexuality isn't a thing and is just people trying to hide they are gay.
This. Honestly far most erased in the eyes of gay men >__> it's ridiculous and unfortunate.
edit: also want to say that I think in part this stems from our cultures insistence on binaries. Before there was man/woman, then gay/straight. Gray is still so so hard for us generally, but that's bs. Is it because bisexual people are hard to market to?!
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As a gay guy with at least 4 bi friends I don't understand it either really. The only negative emotion towards bi people I have is jealousy as they have a much wider pool of people to be with, but that's something that doesn't really bother me and I've never let any jealousy show. My bi friends are all awesome people that I feel are absolutely part of the LGBT community as much as I am and LGBT people who try to look down on bisexuals are shameful really.
I don't what exactly happened but there was a period when I did believe I was bisexual and was getting with guys (I'm pretty much a straight cis male now) but I would never tell my parents. They'd be fine with me being gay but they see bisexuals as "Greedy"
There's definitely some truth to this. Bisexual people are sometimes accused of being "straight passing" or that our LGBT status "doesn't count" if we are in a heterosexual relationship.
I've also seen some gay/lesbians claim that the thought of a partner that's had sex with the opposite gender disgusts them.
The fault here is with people who use these cases to reinforce their held stereotypes. Just like any other stereotype, taking a case like this and widely generalizing it across a population is wrong.
That right there is one of the more painful aspects for me. That I would nolonger belong because who I was with at a particular moment.
This thread is absolutely soul crushing. I recently came out as bi/pan. This was my own decision, independent of anybody else encouraging me to do so. And hearing that this makes me undateable in the eyes of most straight AND gay people is just..... ugh.
I'm bi and I don't even tell anyone anymore. At this point it's less about being afraid of coming out and more of me not wanting to bother dealing with all the dumb stuff that comes with saying it to others. I don't really pursue relationships anymore anyway since I don't feel like I belong in one so it doesn't even matter I guess. I probably appear asexual/aromantic to most people. It all feels like a tangled web of misery and loneliness but I've grown used to it by this point. Oh well.
It's heartbreaking but for what it's worth your aren't alone. Be proud of who you are and you can still find someone who will love you for you.