I feel ashamed for allegedly being involved in homophobic bullying
- Thread starter dreamlongdead
- Start date
You were in 5th grade. Its terrible, but its ok as long as you changed now. I was bullied as a kid too due to my stammer, but I will never judge one of the kids that bullied me in 5th grade. I know 99% of them understand the struggle I had back then and they regret it. Of course, those with an low self esteem or other problem will still bully others, even in their 30's and beyond.
No, I didn't actively make anyone's life hell. At the same time, I assuredly made them feel unwelcome in an organization that I was running at the time. It was a religious organization and at the time I thought the position was the correct one within the context of the religious organization (everyone in the discussion was in the org and the matter being discussed was an organizational matter). The subject matter is inconsequential to this discussion on Era other than to say that it prompted them to ultimately leave the organization. I always felt uncomfortable about it, but thought that it was just what was required of me to keep everyone on the same page, rather than a personal conviction of some kind. I would not assume that they've given it much or any thought since those days, but I have as my understanding and perspective have evolved and changed completely on the subjects upon which we disagreed at the time over our email conversation. Not like they needed any validation from me nor was I seeking to offer any; I just wanted to apologize and let them know that they have one less obstacle on the planet than they did a decade ago. No more, no less.
To everyone recommending against reaching out and apologizing - really? You wouldn't even want to a brief dm? It'd make me feel a little better knowing an asshole feels remorse and is taking steps to change. Maybe I'm just underestimating how bad some of you guys got it. :/
I've definitely done some stupid stuff that probably hurt people's feelings in middle school. Still kick myself about because I know I only did those things out of social pressure. Wish I could go back and punch younger me in the face.
We all make mistakes as kids and teens OP. We were stupid and caught up in being social and fitting in. I wouldn't worry about it all that much. If it does bother you, you can always send him a pm and say you're sorry if you've ever hurt him. It's up to you in that, but I'd rather try then let my consciousness bother me so much.
Yeah.
Part of not being a toxic individual is:
a) admitting that you once were toxic out of societal conditioning or ignorance
b) forgiving yourself for past actions
Via some mutual hometown friends, I was re-acquainted with a guy who bullied the shit out of me growing up. Without any prompting from me, he actually apologized for it all at a party we were both at. Being too terrified to tell him how I really felt, I said it was fine. I ended up walking away from that conversation with nothing but anxiety and pain. Regardless of what he said or how he said it, I felt like I had gone back in time and was reduced to this pathetic little kid again. All the personal growth I had gone through in the years after high school were temporarily reduced to nothing in that moment.
While the psychological effect of that encounter didn't last long, the apology really did nothing for me and the thought of even running into him again is anxiety-inducing.
If I was you OP, I would not reach out. If you did not explicitly terrorize the person, then there is no reason to bring up things from that young. You acknowledged you did something wrong, but leave it at that.
Someone who bullied me before reaching out 10 years later, wouldn't make me feel better. In fact I probably would be mad because it means nothing and doesn't change what or why it happened.
Someone who bullied me before reaching out 10 years later, wouldn't make me feel better. In fact I probably would be mad because it means nothing and doesn't change what or why it happened.
Yeah, I used to do the same things back in elementary school, OP. There was this guy who was in the same class as I many years ago, and during all those years my friends and I were jerks to him. We wouldn't be aggressive, but there would always be some sort of joke about how he behaved or the way he spoke, and there would be slurs as well. I managed to find him on Facebook a few years ago. He's doing pretty well, has a good job and is living a proud life, which made me quite happy, to be honest. I apologized to him for all the years being a jerk back in school, and he was very cool about it. We still keep in touch, and I'm always glad to see he's doing well.
And there was this other guy, who lived in the back street. He was very effeminate, and a huge fan of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, he was friends with lots of girls and was really into volleyball. All the kids in the area, me included, picked on him, even though we all played together and played SNES at his house. Today he's a drag queen, apparently a very accomplished one, and seems to live a happy life as well. I never got to apologize to him, though. He's kinda hard to find, and I don't have a Fb profile anymore.
And there was this other guy, who lived in the back street. He was very effeminate, and a huge fan of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, he was friends with lots of girls and was really into volleyball. All the kids in the area, me included, picked on him, even though we all played together and played SNES at his house. Today he's a drag queen, apparently a very accomplished one, and seems to live a happy life as well. I never got to apologize to him, though. He's kinda hard to find, and I don't have a Fb profile anymore.
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The thing about reaching out and apologizing, a lot of the time it isn't for the victim but the aggressor. The aggressor wants to have a clean conscience so to speak, that's how it is for a lot of apologies IMO.
The person who endured the bullying, might not want to hear from their tormentor(s) ever again and just move on with their lives.
I mean there isn't anything wrong with bumping into someone and striking up a friendly conversation in person about how they're doing then maybe apologizing down the line if those lines of communication are still open.
However its strange to go and seek someone out after years of not knowing them, add them on FB then the first thing you message them, is an apology for bullying them. That would be for you and your own guilty conscience, not for them.
The person who endured the bullying, might not want to hear from their tormentor(s) ever again and just move on with their lives.
I mean there isn't anything wrong with bumping into someone and striking up a friendly conversation in person about how they're doing then maybe apologizing down the line if those lines of communication are still open.
However its strange to go and seek someone out after years of not knowing them, add them on FB then the first thing you message them, is an apology for bullying them. That would be for you and your own guilty conscience, not for them.