Yes. She did multiple tests on me and said I don't have anything anomaly. I am certain about this because she was my third therapist and none said I have a autism or ADHD.
Perhaps I was a bit angry and blamed her but she did talk to security for me and said "please do not ask patients' surname. some might feel uncomfortable" and when she said that it's all solved. The security personnel didn't ask my surname for months until a new guy who is elder than the rest asked me and insisted me. He didn't know the issue because it's the first time he is in there. The other guy I was familiar with already helped me. Maybe I should've just use a made up surname and move on.
It happened because of my father. When I was a kid, my parents leave me alone in the middle of problem and I couldn't handle myself. For example when I was at the line in the supermarket, they leave me and say "wait here, we are gonna buy something" and I couldn't handle it. Because of these kind of examples, I am still having hard time for crisis management. When I share this with my father he would get angry and say "Oh you are such a cry baby. When I was a kid my grandmother beat me with a stick. You are nearly 30, be a grown up" and so on. It's impossible to talk to my father about these kind of topics. Same for my mother too. They don't want me to go the therapist because when I give an example from the past they start blaming therapy and claim that I am a crybaby. I love them but I also think my parents have mental disorders.
I get why people in this thread are suggesting looking into autism/adhd, since a lot of what you're describing here (frustration with not being heard) can coincide with autism as well. And autism can be pretty hard to diagnose in adults, and figuring out you have autism/adhd explains a lot and can help a lot going forward. So I really get those suggestions. But from everything you've told me, I'd think those odds are pretty low indeed. Especially if it hasn't come up with all three of your therapists.
And glad to hear you've come to see your therapist was acting with your best interests at heart, did take your concerns seriously and was putting in the effort to help you. If I remember correctly, that wasn't your initial impression of what she did, and that's what made you angry at first?
And yeah, unfortunately our parents have a huge impact on mental health issues that we might develop ourselves. When my dad was two he got severe tonsillitis. He cried a lot (understandably) but in stead of comforting him my grandparents just put a lot of pills in him to shut him up. So a baby, in a lot of pain, doesn't get comfort and care, but is left alone in his bed, with pills to keep him quiet. Hurt him so bad that he is still afraid to be vulnerable and open up, because he fears people will leave him. Made him unable to experience and show emotions properly.
My mothers father had a heart attack when she was young. Her mother also died young. And her preeeetty evil step mother used to tell her that if she ever made her father worry again, if she ever acted up, he'd get a heart attack and die. And that it would be her fault. So if she ever expressed anger or fear or anything that might upset her dad, he'd die. Because of her. Yeah...if that isn't a recipe for unsafe attachment and fear of abandonment, I don't know what is.
When I was fourteen our family (parents, sister and me) were on a vacation, and there was a huge fight. And emotionally stunted as my father was, he showed no fucking sign of emotion at all. People were sad, angry, and it looked like he did not give a single shit at all. Like the people he was supposed to love being hurt mattered absolutely nothing to him. So I told him to stop acting like a robot and show some fucking emotion. Completely unaffected and calm he told me to just punch him in the face if I was mad. Like he absolutely didn't give a shit how I felt. My own father, who was supposed to care that I was hurt or mad did not care how I felt at all. How absolutely little did I matter that even my father didn't care? Meanwhile my mother was so preoccupied by her own pain that she couldn't comfort me either.
I'm still recovering (a bit) from my own mental health problems, and two weeks ago I was in my moms car with her. I'm usually acting like everything's okay, suppressing the latent sadness and anxiety when I'm around other people. Just easier. But then I expressed my anxiety and sadness to her, and told her how hard it was at times, and if she could just hug me. She did for ten seconds, and then went into her usual mode of rationalization. How everyone feels a bit sad sometimes. And noone at the party we were coming from feels completely at ease. Which is all true, but not what I needed. I just needed her to comfort me. Give me a hug and let me be sad for a bit. I asked her if she could just hug me and comfort me a bit (which I've asked a lot of times before, yay therapy for teaching me that). She realized what she was doing, and made an effort to show me she did care about how I was feeling. Combatting the feeling that's still ingrained in me a bit (but that's slowly eroding over time), that people don't give a shit how I feel.
So yeah, parents are hugely influential in how their kids develop. If you're left in a line in the supermarket and are panicking and your parents leave you there? That doesn't teach you that they'll keep you safe in a crisis environment. That teaches you you'll be left alone (and possibly feeling helpless). And what does it say about you if your parents are leaving you? (that last part is just my own pain, might not apply to you).
And yes, you might be an adult now. From everything you've said you seem very intelligent, and probably able to actually navigate most crisis situations. But 'you're an adult now, get over it' unfortunately isn't how it works. If 'people will leave me when I'm in crisis situations, I'm helpless and I don't know what to do' is ingrained in your mind and emotions, that's the core belief that will come up when you're in those situations. Not 'I'm a thirty year old independent, intelligent post grad student who can solve most of the issues I encounter'. And for the latter to develop, the first has to be explored and healed. Because they are completely contradictory. And deeply ingrained ideas about who we are are exceptionally difficult to change without help of a capable, understanding and caring therapist.
Which brings me to this. If you're sticking to your decision to not see another therapist, who's gonna help you access those ingrained feelings of abandonment in crisis situations? Who is gonna actually make you feel in your soul that in a difficult situation (which we will always encounter in life) the people that are supposed to stick by you will actually do so? From the looks of it...not your parents. When a good therapist will. Who is gonna make you feel accepted when you're talking about the pain you've internalized as a kid? From the looks of it, not your parents.
Look, I hate to say bad things about peoples parents. Cause they've had their reasons for becoming the people they are, and those reasons (which they often had no control over) affect how you've been hurt yourself. But though they probably love you as you love them, fact is that how they treated you did hurt you.
And frankly, I'm a bit pissed off that you're supporting them financially, which is keeping you from therapy, which is supposed to be something for
you. That in stead of taking accountability for their own part in how they hurt you, they're calling you a crybaby, blaming it on therapy and saying you shouldn't go anymore. When that therapy is something that is supposed to benefit
you.
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