How'd you get over your last ex?

[fracas]

Before you read this, yeah I'm gonna try to go to the gym. I'm still working up the energy to do literally anything, but I'll get there soon.

I made a thread about it a while back — TLDR is I was getting married in December and my fiance dumped me and moved back home two hours away out of the blue about a month ago.

I've been on a rollercoaster since then. I did everything I knew to do. I deleted her number, blocked her on social media and threw out everything that reminded me of her. She got ahold of me and convinced me to try long distance til we both got ahold of ourselves, but that didn't last more than a couple weeks. It's really over now and deep down, I'm glad it is. We haven't had any contact for about a week now.

That said, it's really started to sink in the last few days, and I'm honestly struggling pretty bad. I started therapy Monday and I know it'll help, but that's a slow burn. I moved where I am now about two and a half years ago, and I met her almost immediately after that. I never really made more than a few good acquaintances here and I know the isolation doesn't help. I genuinely want to try dating other people, but I know I'm not ready for that. Just about everything I see reminds me of her, and I'm so sick of that.

I've made plans every weekend for the past month; tomorrow, I'm going to see my folks back home and I'll stay there a couple days. I don't really want to be in my empty apartment by myself all weekend.

I never really had a relationship this deep before. I guess she was my first love, and I don't really know how to proceed from here. How did you all handle getting over someone you felt that attached to? How long did it take? I've read a million articles but they all pretty much say the same thing.

 

[Nakenorm]

I didn't.

Spoiler

way too much alcohol and just work I guess

 

[Strangelove_77]

Why did she not want to get married anymore but is still willing to do long distance?

 

[shnurgleton]

Waited 10 years to date again

 

[MisterSnrub]

Sex with a new person always helped me forget the old one

 

[Deleted member 41178]

Sex with a lot of new people used to be my go to move.

 

[ASleepingMonkey]

Whatever you do, do not try to fill the void with Tinder, Bumble, or whatever. Going on dates and stuff right away will hurt you more than you think because you'll just be thinking of your ex the entire time. Spend this time alone or with just friends/family. It's ok to mourn and be sad, deal with the emotions now so you can eventually move on to a new relationship.

Other than that, it's a process that takes time . It's different for everyone. Finding new things to do like working out or a new hobby helps a lot, find something that makes you feel like you can make progress within it. An instrument, learning magic tricks, painting, etc.

 

[Keym]

I haven't yet.

Time helps.

 

[Bacon]

It's going to hurt and it's not going to be linear as you've probably already realized. Stay focused on bettering yourself, for me getting back in the gym was huge (cliche as fuck I know, but it worked). It really is a time game, it took me months to really stop thinking about my ex on a near daily basis but now I'm about a year out and the only time I think of my ex I am glad about the time we shared but even more glad that it ended before shit got really bad.

 

[Ripcord]

Sex with a new person always helped me forget the old one

Click to shrink...

This.

Also finding a new goal/purpose helps. You prolly had plans together. Make some plans of your own.

 

[staedtler]

plowing lots of random women

 

[Geoff]

last one - didn't need to
one before that - with extreme difficulty

but those were both over 15 years ago so don't care now

 

[fracas]

Why did she not want to get married anymore but is still willing to do long distance?

Click to shrink...

She has a ton of mental health issues that she's ironing out back home. She couldn't find a therapist in my city that she liked. We still wanted to get married years down the line, but she kind of threw the relationship away when we broke up the first time and there was a LOT to rebuild.

She also ended it the second time, but to be fair, I was just about to do it myself. She got super distant all of a sudden (as she had the first time) and didn't seem like she wanted to put in the work. She said something to the effect of "every day feels like a battle now" and I just wanted to tell her "no shit"

 

[Servbot24]

Just time. Pursue positive hobbies and relationships.

 

[fracas]

Whatever you do, do not try to fill the void with Tinder, Bumble, or whatever. Going on dates and stuff right away will hurt you more than you think because you'll just be thinking of your ex the entire time. Spend this time alone. It's ok to mourn and be sad, deal with the emotions now so you can eventually move on to a new relationship.

Other than that, it's a process that takes time . It's different for everyone.

Click to shrink...

I agree with you there. I'm not into casual stuff at all, but I know it wouldn't be healthy to jump right into another relationship. It wouldn't be fair to them, either. Nobody wants to be a rebound.

I definitely need to make some friends but I have no idea how to do that. I'm pretty introverted by nature but I can put myself out there, though I live in a small college town and I don't think I want to be friends with college students anymore (I'm almost 26 now).

 

[Deleted member 18400]

You know the old saying OP.

To get over someone get under someone else.

Just make sure you don't lead anybody on and have some casual sex if you can. It's surprising on it helps haha.

 

[mhayes86]

Not specifically my last ex, but with my first ex, cutting all contact and removing any pictures and gifts. Anything to help not think about it, and time considering it took about a year. It also didn't help that at the time we lived close to one another and occasionally ran into each other at stores and the occasional event. Once I started feeling better about myself, dating another person kind of finalized moving on.

 

[Dougieflesh]

Do work and find some hobbies that can distract you. Also, maybe try some casual dating/hooking up.

 

[Coyote Starrk]

I will let you know when I figure it out.

 

[PepperedHam]

Lots and lots and lots of time. So much time that I thought maybe something was broken since it seemed like other folks get over these same hurdles much sooner. But nah, just turns out it's different for everybody. Lots of time, music (thank you Brian Fallon) , and all that extra time gained spent with friends and MMORPGs.

There's no set time table you just eventually kinda start dealing with what you have going on in the moment, and when those moments no longer involve that person one year, two years down the road your priorities just kinda shift without you realizing it.

 

[Tribal_Cult]

No matter how many more people I fuck, until I find a new person that I love I'll never get over her.
To be clear, I'm fine and I accepted it's over. I just happen to fin myself thinking about her every now and then.
I 100% believe you never get over somebody, you just adapt and overcome. Then again my break ups have been mild and there is no hate going on between us, which could be seen as worse since it's so much easier to forget someone you don't want to see anymore.
So, yeah, my next girlfriend will come sooner or later and I won't even realize it. It's OK.

 

[ASleepingMonkey]

I agree with you there. I'm not into casual stuff at all, but I know it wouldn't be healthy to jump right into another relationship. It wouldn't be fair to them, either. Nobody wants to be a rebound.

Click to shrink...

You'll get through it. My ex dumped me for another guy in August so I know that pain. It's cheesy but it does get easier, I kept telling people it wouldn't and I'd feel this way forever. I'm still sad and hurt but I've made a lot of progress so I'm sure you will too.

Time is everything.

 

[.exe]

Was miserable for a while but eventually accepted it was for the better -- for me and for them. Time will help give you some perspective on the whole thing.

 

[Mitch]

Beer and masturbation

 

[Strangelove_77]

She has a ton of mental health issues that she's ironing out back home. She couldn't find a therapist in my city that she liked. We still wanted to get married years down the line, but she kind of threw the relationship away when we broke up the first time and there was a LOT to rebuild.

She also ended it the second time, but to be fair, I was just about to do it myself. She got super distant all of a sudden (as she had the first time) and didn't seem like she wanted to put in the work. She said something to the effect of "every day feels like a battle now" and I just wanted to tell her "no shit"

Click to shrink...

Oh wow. I don't have any advice because I have limited experience with this sort of thing, but I wish you luck.

 

[onadesertedisland]

Treat it like a death. What you had is gone and will never return. And grieve. But know that life goes on. And you will have another relationship if you choose to.

 

[Lumination]

The general advice of "hit the gym" really applies to anything you've wanted to do. Even something like playing that long-ass RPG you've been meaning to do can be ok if done in a healthy manner (not binging 10hrs a day). I personally focused on working out at home and reconnecting with some friends I hadn't spent as much time as I had wanted to.

The reality is that this breakup is "just" a bump in the road in the long, long, loooong journey that is our lives. I mean, tons of people get divorced and bounce back just fine, and those stories inspire me and give me hope. You will make it as long as you believe you will and take at least one step every day. Take it from the guy who dated someone at work and now we see each other every day lol. We're both in a healthy place and we make it work, which is definitely not something I could fathom happening like day 2 of the breakup.

 

[fanboi]

Depends I would say on what you are afraid of now that you are single.

Forever alone? Getting confirmation from other people is a good medication.
Afraid she is going to move on and find another so? Time and contemplation.

And so on.

 

[WeAreStarStuff]

I dated again and met my wife.

 

[TaySan]

Lots and lots of porn

 

[Deleted member 2809]

Rebound
And time

 

[SliceSabre]

We broke up I moved on with life and almost never think about her.

 

[kyle mechlachlan]

I met another person who had a hole to fill in their life and we leaned on each other for a few weeks. I moved on and so did they.

 

[Camwi]

Took a lot of time and eventually dating someone else.

A close friend is going through this right now. His girlfriend of a few years just broke up with him, he's crushed, and probably won't get over it until he meets someone else.

 

[Mesoian]

Hit the gym, tossed my old clothes, hung out with my friends more, video games.

Forced a glow up. It helped. The problem is when you dream about them and in that state, you forget.

 

[fracas]

Depends I would say on what you are afraid of now that you are single.

Forever alone? Getting confirmation from other people is a good medication.
Afraid she is going to move on and find another so? Time and contemplation.

And so on.

Click to shrink...

Treat it like a death. What you had is gone and will never return. And grieve. But know that life goes on. And you will have another relationship if you choose to.

Click to shrink...

That's the hardest part for me. Accepting that it's really over is just the worst, even though I know it's for the best. I never had doubts throughout our relationship but she clearly did, so I'm still in shock.

I guess I'm also afraid of being single, but a lot of it is just fear of the unknown. We made so many plans (where we wanted to end up, even kid names) that are now all gone. I know deep down I'll find someone else, it's just hard to understand that now. The idea of starting over makes me really uneasy, even if I know that's the only way forward.

Hit the gym, tossed my old clothes, hung out with my friends more, video games.

Forced a glow up. It helped. The problem is when you dream about them and in that state, you forget.

Click to shrink...

Man, that too. I NEVER dream, but I've had two nightmares about this already. It's the worst.

 

[electricblue]

I got in really good shape and met someone better

 

[mangopositive]

I last had an ex in 1995. I got over her by hating myself and being alone for six years. Somewhere into it, I started listening to happier music and just threw myself into playing guitar and assuming I would never be social enough to convince a woman to date me. It was at one of my band's shows in 2001 that I met my wife. She was just as socially awkward as I was at the time, so it worked out well!

Long story short, hobbies and stop doing shit that depresses you.

 

[Deleted member 17402]

1) Time
2) Setting a future goal that'll keep you occupied and remove your fixation on the situation at hand.
3) Constant reinforcement that the mind will eventually rewire itself, you'll stop being sad over the loss and that you'll find someone who you perceive to be better at some point in the future. It amazes me how much work the brain does to help us cope.

 

[luther manhole]

5 years of dating random people until I found someone that was actually good for me. Just takes time, I guess.

 

[JuicyPlayer]

Lots of gym time helped me out.

 

[SnakeXs]

Truly accepting the fact that if she walked in the door I'd have no true interest in having any sort of relationship. While the good memories certainly do bring up feelings, quickly switching to the negatives and effective deal breakers make it easy.

First time just whoring around a bit didn't work. Usually does.

 

[Sunster]

It took a longggggggggg time. then something one of her friends told me early on suddenly clicked with me. the reason i was so hurt wasn't because of her, (looking back she wasn't very good to me) it was my pride that was hurt. the fact that she left me and embarrassed me, and it created a false me vs her scenario in my head that lasted for months.

 

[Deleted member 10314]

Became a he-bitch, man whore. Settled down now and met someone who is perfect for me.

 

[plus]

This was the girl that broke up with you because you weren't interested in a threesome wasn't it? And then you got back with her because she insisted that she had mental issues and she had no desires for polyamory or something to that effect?

Mental health is not an excuse for abusive behavior towards another person, and you need to learn that you deserve better for yourself. You kinda shot yourself in the foot in terms of getting over this by trying to get back with her,especially after she pulled that stunt with bringing backup in the form of her family to yell at you in your own home. You need to set standards for yourself next time in terms of what you will and will not tolerate.

I'm not saying don't forgive her, but use your experiences as motivation to find someone better, to become someone better. If casual dating isn't your joint then take it slow and work on being a better person - whether that's going to the gym, studying harder, learning something new to move up professionally.

 

[Powdered Egg]

Have a casual fling to help you move on.

 

[onadesertedisland]

Don't rush the process. There are stages to your grief. It's ok to feel. It's ok. And it will be.

 

[Spinluck]

Based off a lot of the post here some people don't actually get over any of it.

Just do what you have to do to heal and find value in yourself again.

Whatever baggage you have with her let it go or work to get to that point.

New hobbies, see the world travel, build towards new experiences, and form intimate relationships with friends.

It's ok to feel how you feel, do not try to run from your humanity by using people or other ways of numbing the pain if you can help it.

If you do, that's human too, do not knock yourself too hard.

 

[Minthara]

What I did to get over my last long term relationship is take a break from dating for at least 6 months. Why? Because at the time of the breakup I realized that I was dating for the sake of dating because I did not want to be alone. After about a year of sorting that out + self-reflection and recovery, I jumped back into the e-dating pool and met a few women, but I had the confidence to say no to the relationships that were ultimately not for me. I dated someone for a short period of time and saw a few other people and then I met someone 3 years ago that I am now happily married to.

So the real answer is: give yourself time to heal, time to evaluate your past relationship in terms of things that worked and things that did not, and then when you get back into the dating pool realize that there is plenty of fish in the sea and you don't have to settle for someone that isn't what you want. Also: fill that free time you now have with things like you like to do.

 

[fracas]

This was the girl that broke up with you because you weren't interested in a threesome wasn't it? And then you got back with her because she insisted that she had mental issues and she had no desires for polyamory or something to that effect?

Mental health is not an excuse for abusive behavior towards another person, and you need to learn that you deserve better for yourself. You kinda shot yourself in the foot in terms of getting over this by trying to get back with her,especially after she pulled that stunt with bringing backup in the form of her family to yell at you in your own home. You need to set standards for yourself next time in terms of what you will and will not tolerate.

I'm not saying don't forgive her, but use your experiences as motivation to find someone better, to become someone better. If casual dating isn't your joint then take it slow and work on being a better person - whether that's going to the gym, studying harder, learning something new to move up professionally.

Click to shrink...

Yup, that's her. And yeah, I'm pretty mad at myself for giving her another shot. I could have been a month into healing from this instead of barely a week.

I was dumb and vulnerable, but at least I know better now.