How did you decide to have (or not have) kids?

[smisk]

I'm almost 27, and in my first serious relationship since college. My girlfriend has said she's pretty certain she wants kids in the future, so I'm starting to consider it seriously for the first time in my life. Honestly, my first reaction is kinda negative because of how much they would eat into my free time, but there are some parts of it that sound nice. Mostly though it just seems like an overwhelming thing to consider, not sure how to decide about something that's so monumental and life-altering (especially since the decision will also affect the future of my relationship).

 

[xxracerxx]

We still haven't. About half of our friends have kids though and it is helpful to see how they are dealing with the little tykes.

 

[AliceAmber]

It's okay to be uncertain about something as life changing as children. I've gone back and forth about whether I want one or not.

I'm at a point, I'm 32, where I would like a child but can't afford one.

 

[Chivalry]

Never thought about having them in the first place.

 

[cwmartin]

I think both of you would need to agree about it being something you want, as a foundation.

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

First thing to understand is that you will never feel 'ready' to have kids. Just be in a pretty good place yourself, have a determination to love whatever you get, and the willingness to care for them and you'll figure out the rest as you go.

 

[Ushiromiya]

I would like kids but I'm gay and surrogacy is prohibitively expensive so I never had a realistic choice in the matter.

I'm also infertile now due to medication I take so the option is 100% gone.

 

[SnugTeam6]

Getting married next year, and planning to eventually have children. I've leaned towards No for a while here and there, but ultimately decided the satisfaction of watching and helping someone grow and become part of the world is worth the effort. To challenge your child's opinions and viewpoints, while them doing the same to you, is a relationship I would love to have. While I have that in my soon-to-be wife, I feel like having that in the context of a father-child relationship is something I look forward to.

I think a key thing to understand is that it's not right or wrong to have children or not have children, no matter what others say. As long as you truly think long and hard about it, the emotional and financial commitment, and your reasoning for doing so (other than "it's just what you do when you're an adult"), there's no poor choice here.

 

[DJ_Lae]

I honestly don't know. We just did.

 

[____]

I'm 31 and want kids but I don't want to be married, so I'm deciding to not have kids.

Sucks, but it's a bit difficult to become a single father without adopting and that's not something I want to do at this point.

 

[dDASTARDLY]

Prepare as much as you can, but you can never prepare enough so don't let that stop you. The thoughts of your free time going away will be a distant memory when the time's right too.

Things will work themselves out naturally.

 

[dtcm83]

Lots of personal introspection, lots of conversations with my wife, took both of us getting on the same page and being able to comfortably and honestly say "we are ready for this, it will be a major change and sacrifice, but the juice will be worth the squeeze". Then we did it, and so far it has been amazing.

 

[Casualcore]

I never wanted children. Even my "baby dolls" were always "sisters" growing up. I chose to accept that about myself, societal pressures be damned. Given the medical problems my identical twin had delivering her child, I believe my complete lack of a brooding urge was biologically correct. I was also glad to finally have her near-death to point at as an excuse to get the old women off my back about me ruining my life with my selfish decision. Of course, since your entire life will focus on the child, it would be extremely rewarding and fulfilling. Not having one...I don't have a palpable hole in my life that people with kids imagine I have. My life has other rewards that fill me with joy.

 

[ElectricBlanketFire]

We just kind of did.

Absolutely nothing wrong with not having kids, especially if you don't want any in the first place.

 

[BWoog]

My wife and I have been really on the fence about it. We keep waffling but we're really leaning into the "no way" category.

I just don't want to mess up kids and I'd be scared about doing that.

 

[Dr. Feel Good]

I just don't know to do it in a city as expensive as Los Angeles.

 

[Rhomega]

I can't remember when I specifically decided to not have them, but I still have my reasons. I don't like kids at all. I don't want the expense or burden. I don't want to see a kid go through the same regretful steps my life took. I'm worried about their education and job market once they get out of school.

I simply have zero desire to have children.

 

[inner-G]

I'm almost 40, I didn't think I wanted kids but recently everyone is having them, and I fear that one day something could happen to me and my wife would be left alone.

Plus watching the Naruto episodes where he met his parents kind of made me feel like I should, lol

 

[Impetuous Imp]

I always knew I wanted kids, so it's hard to answer w/r/t "how do you know/decide" - but I will say that we never felt "ready" for kids.

I have four, and while of course I can imagine a life without them and how much easier it would be, I also know that my life would feel far more barren and lifeless without them. They bring a special kind of joy that nothing else can.

When we got married, we planned on four kids. My husband comes from a family of 10 kids, I come from a family of 3. We knew we wanted a happy medium - 2 didn't seem like enough, 3 felt uneven, more than 4 was way too many. But we never tried for any of our kids. The first two were a result of not being super careful, the last two (twins) were proof that condoms are not 100% effective even when used correctly despite being almost obsessively paranoid about it. Happened anyway.

Had we waited until we felt ready, I'm fairly certain we would never have had any of our kids. It's a huge, life-altering undertaking. So as others have said, sometimes you have to take the leap even if you don't feel ready. I don't think we felt ready even after having the entire pregnancies to get used to the idea of another one. You just do it.

That being said - don't do it if you aren't sure. There's a difference between not feeling ready and not knowing whether you even want a child. No child deserves a parent who makes up his/her mind after the fact and potentially discovers yeah, I guess I really didn't want this kid.

 

[Orbis]

Current plan is absolutely not, public opinion has demonstrated itself to be too volatile so having kids as a gay couple is a risk we'd rather not take for their sake. I would hate for in 20 years a far right government try and take my kids away; sounds stupid but seeing how quickly things can change in a short period makes me more concerned about how things can change medium to long term. Very happy being an uncle though, I kinda hope my sister has more kids so I can have more nephews or nieces.

 

[Oinone]

I never felt like having them. I don't like kids. I don't think babies are cute. Maybe I will regret it one day like you are often told. But why do something now that I don't want, because there might be the possibility of regretting it one day? Never made sense to me.
Well, during life other stuff happened here and there to underline it, but that's how I always felt about it regardless.

 

[kfvick]

My wife and I had the talk before we got married. And really, before we decided to be "serious" serious dating wise. We had both always wanted children, it turns out, and our daughter is the greatest joy of our lives. If there had been a disconnect between what we wanted (kids or no kids) then I'm not sure what we would have done. I was married previously and she was unable to have kids, and I personally felt that hole in my life.

That said, it's absolutely not for everyone, and I have no ill will or negative thoughts for anyone who decides it's not for them. That's their (or your) decision and no one else's. All I can say is just take the time to think it through as much as you can, and then go forward with what you decide. Either way, it'll be the right choice for you.

 

[Liquidsnake]

We have decided not to have kids. I do not want to be murdered in my sleep because I asked him/her to clean their room. My wife is a teacher, and that is the best contraception I have ever known.

 

[Alienhated]

Nobody asked me.

 

[julia crawford]

I'm too unsure of my parenting skills. Don't want to risk giving a kid the childhood i had.

 

[Landy828]

I absolutely love kids. Would have 10 if I could afford it, just to watch them grow, learn, and become their own person.

I've wanted kids since I was like 12, lol. (I'm 36, have two girls 11 & 6, and a newborn boy). Greatest thing on earth to me....couldn't care less about my "free time". I get to do cool stuff with them, and still get to play games/watch football, etc.

 

[Shadybiz]

My wife never wanted them. She has 6 siblings, 5 of which she grew up taking care of (youngest one is about 18 years younger than her), so she's had enough, lol. The fathers (there were 2) were never really in the picture, and her mom worked nutty hours to afford it all, so quite a lot of the care fell on her shoulders.

Me, I could have gone either way. Never had a strong desire to have them, though.

 

[Bakercat]

After trouble with horomones and reproductive parts and the fact that both my fiancé and I carry shit genes, we are just gonna adopt in the future. I'm currently trying to get a vasectomy done, but having to fight with Medicaid in my state to pay for the surgery.

I'm too unsure of my parenting skills. Don't want to risk giving a kid the childhood i had.

Click to shrink...

If it makes you feel any better, knowing the childhood you once had and acknowledging that you don't want the same for another will help keep the same mistakes from happening. That's how I look at it and what I was told by others. I grew up in a very abusive and neglectful home myself.

 

[Amnixia]

Well I'm an uterly repulsive human being (communist, vegan, and "ESJAYDOUBLUUUU") so naturally no woman would ever want me.

Spoiler

Humanity is shit, the world is going to be fucked in a few decades and humans are incapable of changing their ways. So yeah, that made it easy for me.
If I ever want kids I'll adopt.

 

[Wackamole]

I think i've always wanted to become a dad. I think (most) kids are great (they're mostly corrupted by adults and their closed-minded views on everything) and i figured i'd be a loving dad at the very least. My girlfriend asked if i wanted to try and become parents with her. I was so honered by that that i completely shut down for a couple of seconds. We talked a lot about the world and responsibilities in the years prior to that moment. It took us 2 years until she finally got pregnant though. But now we have the most awesome son. Such a sweet, openminded, creative kid. The absolute best thing that happend to me in my life and being a parent continues to enhance my life in multiple ways. It's not all roses and sunshine of course. But i'm a happy camper.

 

[Deleted member 50540]

If I were to have kids it would be via adoption as I am gay and am not a fan of the idea of surrogacy. The only thing is that I am not sure if I would ever get married or anything so I would have to rely on family for help and have to wait until I am super established in a career. I have dual citizenship to Italy where raising a kid would be easier, but Italy probably won't have equal gay/hetero rights for at least the next 10 years and single parent adoption is not legal, although they do recognize foreign adoptions of any kind I believe.

 

[Avis]

It's a massive decision, arguably the biggest in your life. Their is no shame in taking time to think about it, and treating it with weight. And their's no shame in either choice. Just make sure it's your choice and not someone else's.

 

[Ferrio]

It was an easy choice for me. "Hey you just spent 30 years climbing outta being dirt poor and finally enjoying life, would you like to go back to that?" Ya no thanks, I'll enjoy my fruits of my labor.

 

[Sir_Caffeine]

We planned it very carefully. We made a budget to see how much it would cost to have two children. You know new car, bigger apartment, clothes, food and so on.

Then the fun began and soon enough we were parents. Two kids later I had a vasectomy.

Even thought we've hade some surprises show up during this time. Like my wife having a post partum depression.
And my youngest being born with a slight case of cerebral palsy, everything is fine.
We are happy and our kids are doing great.

 

[Atolm]

I wouldn't be able to provide for them. Simple.

 

[TheGreekFreak]

We have bad genetics, the world's population is growing too fast, by the time our kids are adults the world's population might be literally doomed due to global warming.

We are also cheap and don't like being tied down.

For now it's pets, if we really want a kid in the future we will adopt or foster.

 

[Mauricio_Magus]

I'm 30 years old, I want to live my own life and do whatever I want.

I just want to make my partner happy and focus on my hobbies/job, it's what I want from life and children are not needed. Getting children seems to be something people do to find purpose(which is fine), I don't need them for that.

I see all my peers getting children and having huge money problems as well, while I'm doing okay, I think I'll keep it this way.

 

[jp319]

Almost twenty years ago an ex-gf I remained friends with died in a car accident. Really hit me hard, she had so much going for her. Somehow this inspired me to talk my girlfriend into having a kid. I guess because you don't know how much time you have. Well she agreed and we went for it. Turned our lives upside down and changed everything forever but no regrets. He's almost 18 now and we also had two more. Couldn't have hoped for better kids.

 

[Ajax125]

First thing to understand is that you will never feel 'ready' to have kids. Just be in a pretty good place yourself, have a determination to love whatever you get, and the willingness to care for them and you'll figure out the rest as you go.

Click to shrink...

This is the number 1 thing i've heard from asking many people. That being said, i'm on the border of "I would love to raise a little girl" but also "this world doesn't need more people".

Also something to keep in mind, daycare for kids can be just as costly as a mortgage on a house.

 

[Maquiladora]

Seeing the lives of those close to me change after they had kids made me never ever want to have kids of my own.

I want to enjoy my own life. Our one and only chance to enjoy life is very short.

 

[Wood Man]

No freakin' clue to be honest.

I just knew I always wanted kids, I just never thought about when, but my wife wanted to have kids after she turned 30. So I just went with the flow and we had a little girl. Not going to lie, I was scared as shit. I didn't have any experience with kids or babies. But I feel into it and everything worked out just fine.

 

[MidnightMania]

When I realized I wouldn't be able to support my kid financially as well as my parents took care of me. I make decent money...for a single person.

 

[Hollywood Duo]

Shameless plug for Parent OT for those of you looking for likeminded people to discuss issues with

https://www.resetera.com/threads/parentera-ot-what-to-expect-when-you’re-not-sleeping.621/

 

[Pickman]

I'm 33 and want kids. So does my wife. I have some trepidation because they're saying that the generation being born now is the one that will truly inherit a dying world from climate change. We'll have inconvenience-- they'll have famine and super-storms. I don't know if I want to make a person who has to live in that world. I've said this to the wife and I think she thinks I'm joking.

 

[Sunster]

I'm uncertain about a lot in life but for as long as i can remember I've wanted kids.

 

[Deleted member 46493]

I feel like I am too selfish for kids but hey, I am 25. I am open to my mind changing on this with time.

 

[Soapbox Killer]

A long night of drinking x baby oil = 1st kid.

Now they just happen in my house. If "children are the only true wealth in this world" then I'm a oil tycoon...and I'm about to find another well. With no doubt and or ego, they are my greatest blessing.


I can't believe I'm having another kid and I quoted Godfather III, truly we are in the end times.

 

[Mest08]

Got greedy and took 1 pump too many.

 

[Strangelove_77]

Kids are fucking annoying. It's not worth the hassle.
I'm also too fucked up to have someone else depend on me.

And lastly - there's tons of them out there already. The world doesn't need one more. I wish people were more open to adoption but most seem to be obsessed with their blood instead.

 

[Nacho Papi]

Came to terms with the fact that 'my' generation is/will be f'd royally financially and then add an incurable autoimmune disease to the mix and I'm like 'nope, not going to bring a kid along for this shitty ride'.