OP
OP
I love this. That's what I'll do.
I can still get unemployment hopefully.
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Era, I probably am going to have to kill myself soon, and I'm terrified, but I have to. Love
- Thread starter LexingtonKruger
- Start date
I love this. That's what I'll do.
I can still get unemployment hopefully.
This, OP. You mention so often how difficult your industry is, and how much of a toil it has taken not only on you, but on those around you and those before you. You've convinced yourself that the industry you're in will destroy all people within it, and you need to get out of it. You can do so much better for yourself, beyond that job. You can do it, OP.
You're in a state that is beyond therapy or hotlines. You need emergency medication and hospitalization to stabilize you and monitor you and then after that maybe therapy and medication tweaks can help you to stop painting the world in such dismal brushstrokes. Right now you can't see anything. You can't see how much it would hurt the people around you to have to bury you.
Please admit yourself into a clinic immediately before you do anything irreversible.
My psychiatrist just added lithium to my daily regimen of lexapro to get me away from a very critical state. Whereas before I'd think about killing myself a few times a day, now I am 99% free of suicidal thoughts.
There's help OP. You gotta work the resources that are there to help you figure out what you need to get better.
I'm on the lowest dose of lithium and it is life-changing.
There's help OP. You gotta work the resources that are there to help you figure out what you need to get better.
I'm on the lowest dose of lithium and it is life-changing.
LexingtonKruger please immediately call your friend you were planning to see, talk to her. If you can't then some member of your family that you like, or any friend that you can just speak to or physically see right now. You need to be in the company of other people right away, if you don't have a friend or family you can immediately speak to then go to a clinic for medical assistance.
El_TigroX offered to meet up for a coffee or beer, why not even take that offer?
This is your priority right now, stay with us. Anyone.
Suicide is never the answer, you need to get through tonight first and put aside everything else. Deal with that tomorrow. But right now don't do anything that would be permanent.
You matter to people in ways you wouldn't even imagine, and you can beat this. Please stay with us.
El_TigroX offered to meet up for a coffee or beer, why not even take that offer?
This is your priority right now, stay with us. Anyone.
Suicide is never the answer, you need to get through tonight first and put aside everything else. Deal with that tomorrow. But right now don't do anything that would be permanent.
You matter to people in ways you wouldn't even imagine, and you can beat this. Please stay with us.
I agree with the people suggesting you apply for Medicaid while going back to school full time on loans. You're smart, you said you were getting all A's, that's nothing to scoff at. I dropped out of college because it wasn't for me but you seem like you could do well there while getting your life on track. You don't need to keep this job for the insurance. New York State has a really great Medicaid program. I was on it this time last year. You have plenty of options other than just ending things here. You're bright and you're still young, you've got so much potential. Depression and anxiety both fucking suck. I've been dealing with them for years but it's only this past year that I feel like I'm starting to improve, after almost a decade of feeling worse and worse week over week. Things can get better. I know it doesn't look that way right now but it absolutely can. I believe in you.
Hey OP, thanks for posting this. I'm just another voice on the internet that sometimes feels the same way, but reading people's responses to you was kind of what I didn't realise I needed this evening. Whatever happens to you in the future, however you feel, your choice to reach out made a difference in my life today, and I appreciate it. Finger hearts and ghost hugs, buddy.
OP
OP
Someone mentioned metro care plus but my current psychiatrist refuses to take it.
I just feel totally beat man, like how could they think it's okay to make me do both
. If I take out student loans it will be for like 20000 a year minimum. How do I do It?
I just previously requested loan money and it was given rather quickly unsubsidized. I'm terrified.
You know man, having a shit job can be fucking heavy on the mind. After all, when you work full time, minus the time you sleep, you almost spend more time there than time at your home and shit. Working somewhere you like or at least its environment will make you appreciate life much more.
Don't give up, you're ridiculously young and life has a buttful of shit to offer (in a good way lol). Live on and I bet you won't regret it. You know, life doesn't change from a day to the other. Chill, take a break, evaluate and talk to people. Just like when you asked for help when you made this thread. Worst case, move, reset your life somewhere else instead of ending it.
The options are so vast, don't kill yourself.
I understand OP, I can't say to you that suicide isn't the answer because that would be hypocritical of me but I do understand. Try to talk to someone, workout/sweat/run, and just take a day off without care in the world. Those thing helped me during my down times
If you need to vent or someone to talk to don't hesitate to enter Mental Health OT, lots of great folks there.
If you need to vent or someone to talk to don't hesitate to enter Mental Health OT, lots of great folks there.
Absolutely this. Seeking a hospital will help you be able to regroup & establish new plans like quitting your job & finding a plan for you to receive your meds while you determine where you go from there.
Sometimes you just have to. I'm leaving the job I've been doing and the country I've been living in in 4 days to try and get a new start. It could end up being the worst decision I've ever made but it could also be the best... Won't know till do it though.
Sometimes you just have to take the hit to see if you can do better.
LexingtonKruger
I would like to talk to you here in this thread and getting to know you better. Sorry for my English. I know it's not perfect but I'm trying.
So, you are a cook? What kind of food? Do you like being a cook?
Maybe you can try to open a small business instead of working for someone else. We can share ideas of food you could make. Something to look forward.
I would like to talk to you here in this thread and getting to know you better. Sorry for my English. I know it's not perfect but I'm trying.
So, you are a cook? What kind of food? Do you like being a cook?
Maybe you can try to open a small business instead of working for someone else. We can share ideas of food you could make. Something to look forward.
OP
OP
So an update. I attended my first day of class and was scared by the timetable of one class being that it ended at 9 on the day that will eventually be before work starts.
So I dropped it, which means I'm no longer going full time. So I'm no longer eligible for subsidized loans.
Then I had a panic attack where I thought I accidentally unrolled from all my classes. Then I cried thinking I couldn't do school and work full-time.
So now I've just been praying that on monday everyone gets back to me regarding the job search.
I feel so totally alone and afraid. I'm trying to shake the fear but it's like a panic attack.
I just finished riding the subway and I felt like everyone was such a total stranger and the world was so cold.
I don't know what to do.
Thank you. I don't really like to cook it's just been the industry I found myself in as I had no other opportunities.
I wish I could talk positively about it but I'm scared everyday I go to work as a cook.
I would like to open a small place if I could, but it would be more if I had to.
So I dropped it, which means I'm no longer going full time. So I'm no longer eligible for subsidized loans.
Then I had a panic attack where I thought I accidentally unrolled from all my classes. Then I cried thinking I couldn't do school and work full-time.
So now I've just been praying that on monday everyone gets back to me regarding the job search.
I feel so totally alone and afraid. I'm trying to shake the fear but it's like a panic attack.
I just finished riding the subway and I felt like everyone was such a total stranger and the world was so cold.
I don't know what to do.
Thank you. I don't really like to cook it's just been the industry I found myself in as I had no other opportunities.
I wish I could talk positively about it but I'm scared everyday I go to work as a cook.
I would like to open a small place if I could, but it would be more if I had to.
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Thanks for keeping us updated. Please make sure you're keeping the basics covered: eat right, exercise, and meditate. Writing these updates counts for the meditation part. None of this stuff solves your problems, it just helps you be stronger when the problems come.
https://www.businessinsider.com/rich-and-famous-people-who-were-homeless-2014-8
Some very successful people were at one point homeless. What if Jennifer Lopez, Daniel Craig or Steve Harvey killed themselves when they were homeless. What would they have robbed themselves of? We can only answer that now because they didn't do so. What will you rob yourself of if you do?
Talk with financial aid about getting money for school. I know that figuring out how to pay for school can be an awful thing, but it's not unmanageable.
If need be, talk to your school's disability services office and try to see if you can get an exemption to go to school fill time with less than the usual credit hours. Lots of schools offer that kind of thing and it can help a lot.
Also, if you do end up going full time, whether by exemption or not, look into part time work at the school. You should qualify for work study, and that helps a lot.
Hold in there! Have you in my thoughts : )
If need be, talk to your school's disability services office and try to see if you can get an exemption to go to school fill time with less than the usual credit hours. Lots of schools offer that kind of thing and it can help a lot.
Also, if you do end up going full time, whether by exemption or not, look into part time work at the school. You should qualify for work study, and that helps a lot.
Hold in there! Have you in my thoughts : )
OP
OP
I am already going full time basically. Minus 1 credit. I didn't realize, if I understand what you're saying, I can have them consider that as full-time to keep me on subsidized loans.
I can pay for school with unsubsidized loans but then it's a question of housing.
Work study won't work as it's first come first serve so I would probably have to wait until next year to be eligible.
I wish I could be more positive.
I found a job that may offer part time work fitting my needs. I'm going to stage on Friday and see if I get it.
OP
OP
I don't want to say anything to anyone but I'm going to kill myself soon. I just want to disappear you know.
I don't want to say goodbye.
I just started school and I'm not doing good. I just don't have enough time this semester. There is a ton of reading I just don't have time for.
I'm tired, and I've been having violent panic attacks.
I think about cutting classes.
It's hard. I'm not sure if it's just anxiety.
My classes are very open ended as opposed to the ones last semester.
I plan on going to the George Washington bridge and jumping. I'm just very tired.
I got five a's once. I also got four a's once. People told me I was smart.
I'm just so tired.
My work and stuff you know.
I'm really tired. I'd love to go to sleep. Wake up happy.
Yeah I'm really tired. I want to go to sleep. Wake up happy.
-Williams last words
I don't want to say goodbye.
I just started school and I'm not doing good. I just don't have enough time this semester. There is a ton of reading I just don't have time for.
I'm tired, and I've been having violent panic attacks.
I think about cutting classes.
It's hard. I'm not sure if it's just anxiety.
My classes are very open ended as opposed to the ones last semester.
I plan on going to the George Washington bridge and jumping. I'm just very tired.
I got five a's once. I also got four a's once. People told me I was smart.
I'm just so tired.
My work and stuff you know.
I'm really tired. I'd love to go to sleep. Wake up happy.
Yeah I'm really tired. I want to go to sleep. Wake up happy.
-Williams last words
Don't do it, OP.Live is worth living.Trust me on this.
We are here for you. You are not alone. This phase will go away at some point and you will arrive at the other side thinking how you could even consider killing your self. Hold tight, DO NOT give up please.
The fact that you are posting this shows that you care, and deep down you don't really want to do this. 1-800-273-8255 cal this number. Talk to someone.
Lex are you taking anything to help you deal with your anxiety? It seems like it builds up and sneak attacks you almost and you have trouble. There is definitely anxiety involved and you're not alone, there are ways that can be found the help deal with it.
You've stuck it out so well so far, don't give up.
You've stuck it out so well so far, don't give up.
Panic attacks suck, but learn about them. Learn why they occur. Why your Brain does this. It can always be beaten. Talk to people about them. You are never alone. Just a simple phone call to the number above and there will be someone there to listen to you. Never give up! Never surrender!
My sister went from someone who was decimated by Panic attacks and depression to becoming a top psychology teacher who lectures in universities. She wanted to learn why she felt like she did. With the knowledge came understanding and with that an ability to cope.
My sister went from someone who was decimated by Panic attacks and depression to becoming a top psychology teacher who lectures in universities. She wanted to learn why she felt like she did. With the knowledge came understanding and with that an ability to cope.
OP
OP
I'm taking brexiprazole 3mg, 45mg remeron,.1mg clonodine, and I take 4mg of cyproheptadine whenever I start to panic but it doesn't always work.
I don't want to talk or reach out I just feel so tired I want to just die.
Yesterday I had another nosebleed at work. I have anemia.
I'm going to walk to the bridge. It's going to be a very hard walk.
I want it to be over so bad.
I never intended to make any posts here, but I have to say please don't kill yourself. Whatever situation you're in, there are people out there that can help you. Your life can turn around incredibly quickly.
Hey Lexington, having to deal with a combination of anxiety and panic attacks can definitely be difficult, but we're here for you and we can help you figure out how to tackle those. It's great that you're taking medications to help out already. Have you talked to your doctor about the effects that these are having for you? Do you have any coping mechanisms that you can use in the moment while you wait for the medication to kick in? If not, that's okay! We can help you find some that can work for you
If you're posting those thoughts then you're going through the worst of the process , but you will come out the other side .
When I've had these thoughts I used to start outlining what last things I'd say to people. I'd write out everything I ever felt for them, I'd thank them for being a part of the little joy I've felt in my life . As I'd write this I'd realize that taking such considerations meant I still cared on some level and that alone was enough to not check out forever .
I tell people if we were all at birth given a button that , once we turned 18 or something, we would be able to push to just disappear , that I would've pushed it already dozens and dozens and dozens of times in my life. I am glad such a thing doesn't exist.
Please keep writing and posting here, please, just air everything inside out along with us.
When I've had these thoughts I used to start outlining what last things I'd say to people. I'd write out everything I ever felt for them, I'd thank them for being a part of the little joy I've felt in my life . As I'd write this I'd realize that taking such considerations meant I still cared on some level and that alone was enough to not check out forever .
I tell people if we were all at birth given a button that , once we turned 18 or something, we would be able to push to just disappear , that I would've pushed it already dozens and dozens and dozens of times in my life. I am glad such a thing doesn't exist.
Please keep writing and posting here, please, just air everything inside out along with us.
Please man listen to us.
Things WILL get better. You might think there is nothing that can be done but there are plenty. Get help and you won't regret it. In a couple of months you will be glad you didn't go through with it.
You've got fatigue, and I can understand that. Especially when you have been working at it for so long. Ending it all won't fix things. It just takes them away from you including your choice and even your right to make mistakes...you don't deserve that.
But you do need a break and you deserve one. And some recognition for not giving up and trying, and what you got instead are some bad results from your grades. and it sucks and it hurts.
Can you take a day off from work and school for some self care?
Take some time, turn the heat up, sleep in for some netflix binging, take a bubble bath, cook yourself a good hot breakfast for lunch, turn up some music that you love. Surround yourself with smells and sounds and sensations that are good.
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OP
OP
I don't want to say anything anymore. I just want to die.
I just want it over.
That's the reality. I can't keep doing it all. School and work. It's too much.
It's time to get some sleep. The normal stuff doesn't work.
You've mentioned how stressful your work is a few times here, would it be at all possible for you to look into the loan options available to you a little further? Would it be possible for you to find housing that you can pay for with loans or combined with a part time job? I do understand that it's daunting to take on a lot of loans at once, but this is the exact situation that they're best used in if you can.
You care about yourself man, the fact you are here posting means a part of you still want to live.
School, work, sickness. This combination sucks, trust me I have been there. Just keep on trying and you will succeed and then you will look back on this and be glad you overcame it. Think about it.
Then quit work and focus on school. Stop doing shit that makes you miserable.
