Couples share the fight that ended their marriages. What ended yours?

[Deleted member 11018]

The fight that started it was a couple years before the relationship/marriage ended, it was the second time i discovered i was cheated on.

A few weeks earlier i brought one of my employees home for dinner, he was a nice chap who did good work and i felt like showing him a little reconnaissance.
It happened that somehow him and my SO tied up knots that night, i don't know how they exchanged numbers/emails...
She had a "lady's night with her cousin and friends", and would stay at her cousin's who lived close to her office, i know it's important to get fresh air and leave the routine, so of course i did not object.
The day after the cousin called me, asking us for dinner the next weekend, i was delighted, they are so nice, and i asked how was last night... the answer was along the line "oh the episodes were not so great... so you know we love [cannot remember the series i was in shock] ? we'll have to talk about that sunday"

It was just surreal. I called one of the friends of the party, the one i know, who spilled the beans because she was just sick of what was happening.
I called my wife at work, told her straight that i discovered what happened and which whom. Of course i yelled, i was absolutely mad about it. We both went back home, she managed to convince me it was a fluke, that she was very sorry... she didn't know the guy for long since i introduced the guy. I had a talk with my employee, told him to mind his own business, trying to be as courteous as one can be in such situation, i knew he fell for seduction, and made him move to a division far from me (he was the loner kind of guy, the kind who never got a date at 25).

Fast forward a year, my SO asks me for marriage (yeah, that way around), and i stupidly accept...
Fast forward a year, we are making plans to have our first child, thinking about getting a new apartment suited for it...
Fast forward a week, her cousin calls me to warn me my wife is cheating on me with her driving licence teacher (which i paid for, of course)... i call her, and tell her it's finished. I was not even mad, just severely depressed that time.
It took two years from separation to end of procedure, it was painful... far less than if we had a child, it would have destroyed me.
It turns out she had the thrill of flirtation, she called it soft heart, all i see is i was robbed of my prime for being a father, i just cannot give myself to anyone any more.

Buuuut, in my process of bettering myself, i discovered new people and new arts, fell in love with Ballet for example :) ... and of course i started again playing games, hobby i could only indulge myself with a couple hours during weekends, before SO woke up.

 

[Bernd Lauert]

Pretty sure I will never get married. I just don't see the point.

 

[Skelepuzzle]

Pretty sure I will never get married. I just don't see the point.

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It's nice to share your entire life with someone you completely trust and to raise children together. I love my wife now more than I ever have and we're 10 years in being together.

 

[noquarter]

If this thread is still up in a couple months when my divorce is final, I'll post the fight(s) and reason for my divorce. 12 years...

 

[fanboi]

It's nice to share your entire life with someone you completely trust and to raise children together. I love my wife now more than I ever have and we're 10 years in being together.

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... which you can do without getting married.

 

[Skelepuzzle]

... which you can do without getting married.

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Of course, but it does provide a certain level of assurance to both parties. I can understand why folks are wary of it though.

 

[fanboi]

Of course, but it does provide a certain level of assurance to both parties. I can understand why folks are wary of it though.

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On a legal basis, in some countries, it is good to get married sure, but on an emotional level it shouldn't matter imo.

 

[PontyfaxJr]

Today I learned that skeletons believe in getting married but ghosts don't.

 

[Skelepuzzle]

On a legal basis, in some countries, it is good to get married sure, but on an emotional level it shouldn't matter imo.

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This is a conversation that may be out of my depth, but I think that for my wife it mattered that I was willing to make the commitment of marriage before we had kids. Having a kid with someone is a way, way bigger commitment than marriage is. So it makes sense to gradually build up to it, IMO. I get why women would want that from men given how easy it is for some men to just leave.

 

[Skelepuzzle]

Today I learned that skeletons believe in getting married but ghosts don't.

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I bone, but when I really bone it's forever.

 

[SpecX]

I'm seeing a lot of stories here about couples with kids getting divorced. How did you go about making the process as easy as possible for them? Anyone with young children manage to keep the daily routine for the child as normal as possible? (This would require still being on good terms and willing to colaborate for the sake of child)

Click to shrink...

It's tough, but my kids were 4 and 6 when we broke up. They would always ask why and we would both tell them we're taking a break and the kids did nothing wrong. We both agreed not to bad mouth one another to the kids, though she doesn't keep her end of that deal as the kids let slip some of the things she says from time to time.

Initially the kids took it hard transferring between parents, but the best way that made it seamless was to use school as a transfer. Mom drops them off, dad picks them up and vice versa. This allowed the kids to go through their daily activities and they were ready to go home with any parent picking them up.

The biggest hurdle for me now is doing birthdays together or doing the kids sporting events. It forces us to engage when I really don't want to, but have to do so to be civil for the kids.

 

[Dragon1893]

It's tough, but my kids were 4 and 6 when we broke up. They would always ask why and we would both tell them we're taking a break and the kids did nothing wrong. We both agreed not to bad mouth one another to the kids, though she doesn't keep her end of that deal as the kids let slip some of the things she says from time to time.

Initially the kids took it hard transferring between parents, but the best way that made it seamless was to use school as a transfer. Mom drops them off, dad picks them up and vice versa. This allowed the kids to go through their daily activities and they were ready to go home with any parent picking them up.

The biggest hurdle for me now is doing birthdays together or doing the kids sporting events. It forces us to engage when I really don't want to, but have to do so to be civil for the kids.

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Thanks for the answer, really appreciate it.

 

[Mikebison]

I'm seeing a lot of stories here about couples with kids getting divorced. How did you go about making the process as easy as possible for them? Anyone with young children manage to keep the daily routine for the child as normal as possible? (This would require still being on good terms and willing to colaborate for the sake of child)

Click to shrink...

My parents split on an off all through my life and eventually divorced. Never bothered me that much. I find it hard empathising with people who say it really damages kids, like it's not the big of a deal. Even at a young age I understood that sometimes people just don't want to be together anymore for w/e reason.

 

[Dragon1893]

My parents split on an off all through my life and eventually divorced. Never bothered me that much. I find it hard empathising with people who say it really damages kids, like it's not the big of a deal. Even at a young age I understood that sometimes people just don't want to be together anymore for w/e reason.

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That's interesting, thanks.
I wonder though, kids in the 3-6 range are extremely attached to their parents, already are able to understand that something is going on but still lack the ability to accept and process a rational explanation. I've seen several cases and I think the varying degree of success really comes down to how well the parents handle it. I feel that maintaining the child's routine and both parent's presence as much as possible is crucial, at least initially.

 

[Deleted member 2595]

It's nice to share your entire life with someone you completely trust and to raise children together. I love my wife now more than I ever have and we're 10 years in being together.

Click to shrink...

I'm doing that right now and there was no need to get married to do it

My parents split on an off all through my life and eventually divorced. Never bothered me that much. I find it hard empathising with people who say it really damages kids, like it's not the big of a deal. Even at a young age I understood that sometimes people just don't want to be together anymore for w/e reason.

Click to shrink...

You're very lucky to have that perspective. Most human cultures ram many monogamous narratives down your throat from birth, from 'soulmate' to 'do it for your family' to 'must have kids'. And for many young people whose parents divorce it feels like a fucked up betrayal of this narrative the world obeys

 

[RDreamer]

I'm curious, and please dont take this the wrong way but what made you two marry? You said there was no spark which I'm assuming your implying you were never really passionate about each other. Was it lust and infatuation leading from a short date cycle into marriage?

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Not really. Actually we dated for a long time before actually getting married. We moved in together pretty quickly after meeting. Well, months after but we lived some states away originally so it felt quick in a way. There was almost never any lust or infatuation there at all. That was part of the problem. We were basically really good roommates but that's about it. Something always felt missing and our chemistry never had a spark. We stuck with it because we saw so many other couples with issues and thought ours was fine. There weren't arguments. So we felt kind of healthy but there was always something that just wasn't there. We got married because we had been together for 5 years and it just seemed logical. It took that long because I always felt like there was something missing.

Honestly we had a better relationship than probably 90% of other couples. I just needed something more. That spark and passion that was missing helps a lot. I'm with someone now and we are crazy in love even after years. It seems a bit cheesy, but my advice to others is that if you don't "know," then they're not the person to marry. With my current wife I knew. We knew..

 

[pixeldreams]

Two points of advice from over 10 years of marriage:

1) Never let it fester. If you get angry, tell them why. If they're angry, ask them why and listen. Don't wait, don't let it blow over. It doesn't, it's not bad weather, it's hurt feelings that rot. Pull that weed out quickly, no matter how much you might want to avoid it.

2) Eat Shit.

No seriously.

Real life is not forum posting and I guarantee you will run into that moment when they are certain they are right and you will be certain you're right. You HAVE to take a knee sometimes with these situations. It's compromise so that you can hold fast when it's really important. Nobody likes to hear it, much less do it, but sometimes you got to let it go, tell them 'let's do it your way', 'okay i see what your saying', 'alright I'll do it for you', with no qualifiers or conditions.

It doesn't mean being a wet blanket, as you shouldn't be doing this all the time. But sometimes, even if it is important, you gotta take one for the team. That team being you and them.

This is not me saying you don't know what your doing, but me cheering people on for trying to build strong relationships. I hope it works out for you.

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6 years married and this guy is 100% correct. I refuse to go to bed angry, I'd rather stay up until 3AM talking things out than let anything build up and explode, it's not worth that feeling of looking at your spouse in pure anger. And absolutely yes take your losses when they are deserved, that one is still hard for me sometimes as I am stubborn as hell, but don't prolong arguments because you want to "win", the only time an argument is "won" is if both of you come out of it understanding of the other person.

 

[foxuzamaki]

Not really. Actually we dated for a long time before actually getting married. We moved in together pretty quickly after meeting. Well, months after but we lived some states away originally so it felt quick in a way. There was almost never any lust or infatuation there at all. That was part of the problem. We were basically really good roommates but that's about it. Something always felt missing and our chemistry never had a spark. We stuck with it because we saw so many other couples with issues and thought ours was fine. There weren't arguments. So we felt kind of healthy but there was always something that just wasn't there. We got married because we had been together for 5 years and it just seemed logical. It took that long because I always felt like there was something missing.

Honestly we had a better relationship than probably 90% of other couples. I just needed something more. That spark and passion that was missing helps a lot. I'm with someone now and we are crazy in love even after years. It seems a bit cheesy, but my advice to others is that if you don't "know," then they're not the person to marry. With my current wife I knew. We knew..

Click to shrink...

Thanks for the answer, really shed some light for me

 

[Deleted member 8257]

6 years married and this guy is 100% correct. I refuse to go to bed angry, I'd rather stay up until 3AM talking things out than let anything build up and explode, it's not worth that feeling of looking at your spouse in pure anger. And absolutely yes take your losses when they are deserved, that one is still hard for me sometimes as I am stubborn as hell, but don't prolong arguments because you want to "win", the only time an argument is "won" is if both of you come out of it understanding of the other person.

Click to shrink...

I struggle with this sometimes. When I know she's upset I try to avoid bringing the topic up and it bothers me from the inside that I become mad as well. Then we avoid glancing each other and it becomes stupid game of how to avoid each other. I struggle with ego issues/"I am right, she needs to get over it" issues. Taking a bow means being humiliated and not recognized. Its an awful feeling and not worth fighting over.

 

[Deleted member 4574]

So I stand by after 5+ years now that getting divorced was simultaneously something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (and that's without children) and the best thing that's ever happened in my life.

As for what ended it, I could tell stories for ages but they all lead to the same place. The bottom line is it takes 2 people that are willing to put "we" ahead of "me". Whole greater than the sum of its parts if you will. If that doesn't happen, the other party can only bend so far before it becomes impossible. Honestly, I only hung on as long as I did because I loathed the idea of being part of that statistic of how many marriages end in divorce.

The day we split (also the day before our anniversary), I felt like I had a new lease on life. Assumed it was adrenaline and the misery would come along soon. Then another day, a week, a month, a year went by. Still felt great. Only realized well after the fact how unhappy I was prior.

Bottom line is if everything that happened was the cost to get right here, right now, I'd pay it again in a heartbeat.

 

[infinitebento]

i've given up on the idea of marriage.

 

[Deleted member 6215]

These stories always motivate me to redouble my efforts in improving myself and my relationship with my wife. It's too easy to take things for granted and not realize a problem until it's too late.

 

[One Eyed Willy]

It's nice to share your entire life with someone you completely trust and to raise children together. I love my wife now more than I ever have and we're 10 years in being together.

Click to shrink...

Pretty much this!

 

[Deleted member 13859]

These stories always motivate me to redouble my efforts in improving myself and my relationship with my wife. It's too easy to take things for granted and not realize a problem until it's too late.

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Same

I'm not saying my marriage is perfect.

We have hard times and good.
But dammit I love her and everything about her

 

[Deleted member 6215]

I'm still working my way through this thread, but the number of people who misunderstood the Paris story is a bit depressing. It's not about which vacation preference is better, sightseeing or relaxing. It's about being willing to compromise and spend some time doing things that you might not enjoy but your partner does. Insisting that your way of spending a holiday is the correct way, while not making effort to accommodate the other, is completely selfish. Combine that with no shared/common interests and the relationship is doomed.

 

[Marshall]

Jesus.

My vacations are spent lounging with my wife and friends. It's not supposed to be a chore.

You sound really high strung.

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High five to you, my friend.

My wife and I travel a decent amount, and never have a set itinerary. Like in London, we woke up and decided to take a bus to the Tower. We had a blast, the kids loved exploring, the armor, etc. After a few hours, my wife said "Let's see the Crown Jewels". Then we noticed the 45 minute line. Instead of queuing up we decided to head somewhere to eat and then back toward the hotel, because fuck lines.
Lots of people want to hit all the sites on holiday to satisfy that check box/selfie opp/facebook brag requirement. And many times miss the experience altogether. We would rather just enjoy ourselves.

 

[Seirith]

I'm still working my way through this thread, but the number of people who misunderstood the Paris story is a bit depressing. It's not about which vacation preference is better, sightseeing or relaxing. It's about being willing to compromise and spend some time doing things that you might not enjoy but your partner does. Insisting that your way of spending a holiday is the correct way, while not making effort to accommodate the other, is completely selfish. Combine that with no shared/common interests and the relationship is doomed.

Click to shrink...

I agree. My husband and I compromise and do things we both like on vacation. He doesn't like amusement parks that much because he doesn't like to ride much but I love them so we compromise by us going and him waiting in line with me but not riding. He might be a bit bored that day but will go because I love ride. I will compromise by going back to our rental and relaxing rather than going and doing another activity or going someplace he wants to go but I may not care about as much. In the end we are both happy on our vacation. Vacations are suppose to be family time and a time to recharge, not get in a fight.

 

[EVERYlosersHERO]

Wish mine ended in some epic fight instead of my ex falsely having me committed for being "suicidal", then filing for divorce while I was on the 72 hour hold...

 

[Minx]

High five to you, my friend.

My wife and I travel a decent amount, and never have a set itinerary. Like in London, we woke up and decided to take a bus to the Tower. We had a blast, the kids loved exploring, the armor, etc. After a few hours, my wife said "Let's see the Crown Jewels". Then we noticed the 45 minute line. Instead of queuing up we decided to head somewhere to eat and then back toward the hotel, because fuck lines.
Lots of people want to hit all the sites on holiday to satisfy that check box/selfie opp/facebook brag requirement. And many times miss the experience altogether. We would rather just enjoy ourselves.

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I'm not familiar with the Crown Jewels but generally if you plan ahead yoy can find a way to skip the line for things like that. Hiting the sites isn't to check a box, it's to see something that is unique to the area, learn the history of that building/site/temple/etc. You can still enjoy yourself and plan a vacation that involves knowing you are going to see certain landmarks that define a place. Not necessarily you, but people like you are the type that say "x" thing is overrated because I didn't plan ahead and waited 2 hours in line and it wasn't worth it. Instead you could have found a way to skip the line or you never discovered the hidden gem just outside the city because you didn't bother to do some research and plan your trip.

 

[Carlius]

I knew she was interested in another. So i broke her pc letting her know that she had a virus, forcing her to use mine where i put a keylogger. Went to work , found out i was correct, went home and broke up with her. Still married though cause you know, we got married in vegas drunk and while it is legit we could care less.

 

[Mailbox]

I knew she was interested in another. So i broke her pc letting her know that she had a virus, forcing her to use mine where i put a keylogger. Went to work , found out i was correct, went home and broke up with her. Still married though cause you know, we got married in vegas drunk and while it is legit we could care less.

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I....
I'm sorry... what?!
Like.... surely this must be a meme or a joke i dont know about or something, right?

 

[GSG]

Sorry for the late reply folks, had quite an interesting weekend thanks to my parents... again. Wife's family came over and my parents barely acknowledged and interacted with them, which was big sore point for my wife for obvious reasons. It was my wife's birthday as well and my parents gave her a present that had the price tag and a big 50% off sticker on it, don't think that was by accident(since they're always careful with these kind of things). Right now, it's looking like we'll be moving away from them since they're making my life unbearable. Just need to figure out some of the finances.

?????
Cut ties with your parents.

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Not gonna happen, and, as hard as my parents seem to be pushing us that way, neither my wife or I want that to happen.

She knows it's unreasonable to cut ties with parents, especially since she would never do that with her parents.

I just moved away. Got so bad, leaving felt great.

The priority, if you love your wife, is to reinforce that she is your priority.

And I suggest every couple read The Five Love Languages. Not to gsg in particular but every couple. Y'all are probably speaking in different languages and don't know it. About the best book for my marriage. And it's still hard to do.

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I agree, and it's increasingly looking like we'll be doing that. I think the fact that my wife is my highest priority is the most difficult thing for them to reconcile with. It's hypocritical because my dad put my mom above all else when my parents were younger, yet I'm expected to behave differently.

He needs to out his foot down with his parents.

My son is my parents only grandchild and my mother is addicted to him. She's always trying to find ways to get him (which is fine, both his mom and I want him to spend time with them).

The issue is that my mom makes demands instead of asking and doesn't show my ex the respect she deserves as my son's mother. That was an issue when my ex and I were married and it's still an issue.

My mom's insistence that everything be about her was a huge strain on my ex and I (among the other things I listed in a previous post as to why my marriage ended).

If he just continues to let his parents dictate his marriage, it's going to fail. Eventually, the damn is going to break.

You can put your foot down and be firm while still showing the parents the respect they deserve.

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Your mom sounds like my mom. My mom needs to be the center of attention and everything needs to be about her. If someone is saying something that she feels makes them superior to her, she always butts into the conversation and tries to one up them on it.

Unless they're paying for shit, tell them to back off. I cut ties with my dad years ago because he couldn't follow the rules (no toxic behavior around my family) and my mom knows the same (she's super nice but is a super religious, End Times person, and she's gotta keep that shit away from my family) thing can happen between us.

When you're a child, there's no back and forth. That's how it goes because you're being raised. But you're an adult, and they need to accept your autonomy (assuming you're autonomous) or watch the relationship change.

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That's one of the major things I'm battling with right now. My parents want to treat us like immature kids until it comes to money. When it comes to money then they want us to act like adults and to baby them by always paying for them when going out somewhere or buying them presents.

My friend's parents were complete shit to his then-girlfriend/new wife for years. They LOVED his ex wife though and would constantly negatively compare his then-girlfriend/new wife years. Even at their fucking wedding! They also showed up over an hour late to the ceremony and we ended up just getting on with it because it was so fucking late after waiting for a long time, and they ended up showing up near the end.

It ended up finally changing when they had a child. I'm wondering if the parents were so fond of his ex BECAUSE she had a grandchild for them. It's all about the grandkids for some people.

At any rate, you need to put your foot down NOW, well before you have any kids. Don't assume or expect your parents to change like my friend's just because you have a grandkid.

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This comparison thing is a massive pain in the ass for me and my wife, because that's one thing she loves doing with both of us, but especially my wife(lest she be compared herself).

 

[Carlius]

I....
I'm sorry... what?!
Like.... surely this must be a meme or a joke i dont know about or something, right?

Click to shrink...

All true. Hell i even left out the juiciest details of that breakup. That day while reading evrything she typed in real time. Man. Also before era goes all up on invasion of privacy, yes, her pc broke thus using a keylogger on my own computer was not illegal. Oh also, while drunk i tattotted her name on my finger. So yeahhh

 

[Kill3r7]

Two points of advice from over 10 years of marriage:

1) Never let it fester. If you get angry, tell them why. If they're angry, ask them why and listen. Don't wait, don't let it blow over. It doesn't, it's not bad weather, it's hurt feelings that rot. Pull that weed out quickly, no matter how much you might want to avoid it.

2) Eat Shit.

No seriously.

Real life is not forum posting and I guarantee you will run into that moment when they are certain they are right and you will be certain you're right. You HAVE to take a knee sometimes with these situations. It's compromise so that you can hold fast when it's really important. Nobody likes to hear it, much less do it, but sometimes you got to let it go, tell them 'let's do it your way', 'okay i see what your saying', 'alright I'll do it for you', with no qualifiers or conditions.

It doesn't mean being a wet blanket, as you shouldn't be doing this all the time. But sometimes, even if it is important, you gotta take one for the team. That team being you and them.

This is not me saying you don't know what your doing, but me cheering people on for trying to build strong relationships. I hope it works out for you.

Click to shrink...

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