I feel ashamed for allegedly being involved in homophobic bullying

dreamlongdead · Jun 10, 2018

So, I checked one of the profiles of an elementary school classmate and I couldn't help but recall the period when I was in 5th grade or so.

There was this kid that the class would make fun of because he was flamboyant and just seemed strange. At the time, I don't think I even truly understood if he was gay or not. Obviously, he was aware of his identity.

Anyway, people would make jokes about him and be kind of unpleasant. I don't think any of us ever used any slurs, but it really doesn't make it less unacceptable.

I checked the classmate's Twitter, and he at least seems to be doing well professionally. He has an extremely supportive family and partner, which is great to see.

I know my story sadly isn't unique. I'm really glad that I moved away from that in my mid-teens or so, but it's very frightening that I even played a part in gay intolerance.

It doesn't matter if we were just stupid young kids. It's inexcusable, and those of us who are awake must seriously spread gender awareness and acceptance to the young.

SaviourMK2 · Jun 10, 2018

I'm one of those people who believes in "forgive and forget" and a staunch antagonist to the "Sins of the father.." mandate.

The important thing is you regret your actions and better yourself to never do it again. Don't hold yourself down over it, your advantage being it was a life time ago, you've had time to learn. I've said things in elementary schools (some middle school) that, looking back now, I never should have said.
Perk up, you're gonna be ok.

Interested Observer · Jun 10, 2018

Of course it matters that you were a stupid young kid. You've clearly learned from it, I can't imagine you're going to do it again, give yourself a break.

Deleted member 2779 · Jun 10, 2018

Not sure if 'alleged' is the right word there given how you feel in the OP but in any case, it looks like you have the right attitude going forward (:

Deleted member 35204 · Jun 10, 2018

contact him and tell him you are sorry?

siddx · Jun 10, 2018

We've all done things we aren't proud of. The benefit of time, growth, and reflection is that we become better people through it. The only people who deserve scorn for things they have done in the past are those that learned nothing from it and instead continue or worsened their behavior.

Deleted member 20892 · Jun 10, 2018

"allegedly"?

AstralTurfWarrior · Jun 10, 2018

LeleSocho said:
contact him and him you are sorry?

This isn't necessarily the right answer either. Often times bullied people might not wanna hear from their bullies. Like I don't really wanna hear from my bullies, just let me be and live your life. I don't wanna remember them any more than I have to.

Pankratous · Jun 10, 2018

Interested Observer said:
Of course it matters that you were a stupid young kid. You've clearly learned from it, I can't imagine you're going to do it again, give yourself a break.

Pretty much this.

LeleSocho said:
contact him and him you are sorry?

Probably not a good idea.

Chainshada · Jun 10, 2018

Unwittingly or ignorantly probably fit better.

Kids do stupid shit, some outright heinous. Acknowledging what you did and encouraging your kids/nieces/nephews/whatevers to be better than you were is about all you can do.

dreamlongdead · Jun 10, 2018

Honestly, I think his classmates may have already apologized ages ago and became cool with him. I only knew him for a few years, and they were with him for far longer than I was. It was up until college for them, so I imagined a lot changed over those years.

In 6th grade, I moved away from the area completely and have never seen any of those people since. The teasing was a regrettable stage, and I'm just incredibly thankful that this student has ended up in a good place.

Deleted member 4372 · Jun 10, 2018

AstralTurfWarrior said:
This isn't necessarily the right answer either. Often times bullied people might not wanna hear from their bullies. Like I don't really wanna hear from my bullies, just let me be and live your life. I don't wanna remember them any more than I have to.

Thats how I feel about the bullies I had to deal with in high school too. Stay out of my life.

Deleted member 41271 · Jun 10, 2018

LeleSocho said:
contact him and tell him you are sorry?

I wouldn't, personally - but it's of course a case by case thing. If people from my school tried to contact me, all they'd get is me hanging up on them, I wouldn't even hear them out. Some bridges are better left burned.

Learn from it, move on. There's really no other answer: Mistakes are done by all, in some form. You swam with the majority, in this case, but the important thing is that you know better now.

dreamlongdead · Jun 10, 2018

Chainshada said:
Unwittingly or ignorantly probably fit better.

Kids do stupid shit, some outright heinous. Acknowledging what you did and encouraging your kids/nieces/nephews/whatevers to be better than you were is about all you can do.

Unwittingly is a much more apt way to describe the bullying. It would make for a better thread title, so I'm totally fine with a mod changing the adverb I used.

Mikey · Jun 10, 2018

Meh. I bullied people in primary and high school. Gay or not. No big deal.

Deleted member 4482 · Jun 10, 2018

I did some serious bullying in high school. I felt weak and chose people even weaker and made them into jokes.

I became a better person and got over it because I can't spend my whole life kicking myself for my mistakes.

Real Hero · Jun 10, 2018

Mikey said:
Meh. I bullied people in primary and high school. Gay or not. No big deal.

maybe not to you...

i_am_ben · Jun 10, 2018

No allegedly about it.

Rendering... · Jun 10, 2018

Sounds like contacting the guy would be a self-serving way to assuage your guilt. I wouldn't want an out-of-nowhere message from someone who was a jerk to me in the distant past. Maybe he's different, but I can't imagine why.

Mikey said:
Meh. I bullied people in primary and high school. Gay or not. No big deal.

Sure, because your opinion is the one that counts in those interactions.

Fiction · Jun 10, 2018

I was a teenage in the 90s, a time which everyone used 'gay' to describe anything the disliked.

"School is so gay.'
'it's cold out, seasons are gay.'

What funny is that 'faggot ' was nearly as bad as cunt and the n word.
But Gay was Everywhere and I used it as well.

My cousin was the type to use faggot as an insult and everyone bullied him for it. He was weird and antisocial and very angry all the time. He left our of our small town and moved to DC and he's happy, friendly, and has a hotter husband than I do.

polyrizumu · Jun 10, 2018

"allegedly"

Tito · Jun 10, 2018

I'm sure there's a relevante Billy Madison gif for this thread, afraid to post it.

Call him or send a message and tell him that you are sorry.

dreamlongdead · Jun 10, 2018

i_am_ben said:
No allegedly about it.

I misunderstood the definition of the word in this instance. Obviously mean no offense!

Someone remove or replace the word in the topic title, so we don't get off track. My intentions have been distorted due to this misuse of vocabulary.

shaneo632 · Jun 10, 2018

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. People in my school were routinely saying "that's gay" to mean "that sucks" a decade ago but that wouldn't fly now. We've come a long way and you clearly aren't that person now.

starfox · Jun 10, 2018

Mikey said:
Meh. I bullied people in primary and high school. Gay or not. No big deal.

tiny dick?

Mikey · Jun 10, 2018

No consequences, fun and easy.

Red Arremer · Jun 10, 2018

Mikey said:
No consequences, fun and easy.

Glad you're feeling great about terrorizing kids weaker than you. I'm proud of you.

Mikey · Jun 10, 2018

Every kid was a dick back then. We grow up and move on. Unless you have a guilty conscience or something.

Choppasmith · Jun 10, 2018

I wouldn't worry too much OP. Like everyone else said, kids say stupid things and you're clearly not the same person. Not sure I agree with not giving him a message, I really don't see a problem with letting someone know you're sorry for beign a dumb kid but that's just me.

Mikey said:
Meh. I bullied people in primary and high school. Gay or not. No big deal.

Mikey said:
No consequences, fun and easy.

You know, I've noticed you have a tendency to make really dumb drive by posts, but this is really the worst I've seen from you.

dreamlongdead · Jun 10, 2018

It wouldn't hurt to reach out to him on social media. I'm not sure if he would even recognize me, but he would be appreciative of the fact.

As I said before, a lot of his classmates stayed with him and they really matured out of that phase.

I've moved on from it, too. The guilt came from the understanding that some LGBT people really do struggle in many schools and they can end up in a bad place.

VegiHam · Jun 10, 2018

As a gay, just want to lend my support to Team Contact and Apologise. Don't make like a big thing of it; but getting a message saying "hey I'm sorry I was a shit when we were kids and hurt you" would be nice I think. Mind you, my experiences weren't nearly as traumatic as some people; and a lot of people are weighing in to say not to do this; so I'd think about how badly hurt this kid might have been and play it by ear.

saenima · Jun 10, 2018

Mikey said:
No consequences, fun and easy.

For you.

But from your posts, i can only assume you don't really give a shit about the people you were a prick to.

Regarding the topic, i was on both ends of that stick. I never got the chance to apologize and i wish i had.

Urban Scholar · Jun 10, 2018

Glad you grew on from it OP.

Famassu · Jun 10, 2018

SaviourMK2 said:
I'm one of those people who believes in "forgive and forget" and a staunch antagonist to the "Sins of the father.." mandate.

The important thing is you regret your actions and better yourself to never do it again. Don't hold yourself down over it, your advantage being it was a life time ago, you've had time to learn. I've said things in elementary schools (some middle school) that, looking back now, I never should have said.
Perk up, you're gonna be ok.

Sure, but I think that applies more to children. If a 30 year old participates in homophobic bullying, fuck them. They don't deserve any passes.

Hypron · Jun 10, 2018

Mikey said:
No consequences, fun and easy.

I know this guy is banned but wtf does that even mean

Qikz · Jun 10, 2018

AstralTurfWarrior said:
This isn't necessarily the right answer either. Often times bullied people might not wanna hear from their bullies. Like I don't really wanna hear from my bullies, just let me be and live your life. I don't wanna remember them any more than I have to.

Same as me. My bully tried to apologise once and I just ignored the message. I don't want to remember them at all.

nemoral · Jun 10, 2018

Hypron said:
I know this guy is banned but wtf does that even mean

It means that he enjoyed bullying people and is a piece of shit.

Deleted member 2779 · Jun 10, 2018

Fiction said:
I was a teenage in the 90s, a time which everyone used 'gay' to describe anything the disliked.

That time is still now in the '10s though, I had to teach a kid I used to tutor to stop using it as a pejorative. I hope the lesson stuck with him.

Anti · Jun 10, 2018

Allegedly?
That says it all.

Messofanego · Jun 10, 2018

Mikey said:
No consequences, fun and easy.

So that's why you bullied.

There really should be severe consequences for kids who bully, cause the emotional and psychological trauma is gonna stick with the kid for possibly life.

Red Arremer · Jun 10, 2018

Anyway.
OP, I'm glad you realized your mistakes and ignorance. It seems like you definitely have grown to be a better person.
That said, I can only concur with the people suggesting against contacting the guy. I also wouldn't want to have any contact with the people who bullied me, even if that former bully has turned out to improve themselves. It would only reopen potential old wounds that the bullying had left and bring back memories they'd rather forget. It might not even be directly associated with you, but with a time and group of people that troubled or, worse, traumatized them.

Your best option is simply to support the cause, and be as good an ally to LGBT+ as you can, now that you know what you do.

dreamlongdead · Jun 10, 2018

Anti said:
Allegedly?
That says it all.

What does this post mean? If you're trying to make some kind of point, I really don't know.

Enough of these useless posts that don't even say anything.

Budi · Jun 10, 2018

I was thinking similar things just last night. I was trying to remember if I ever used "gay" as an insult when kid. I'd love to say I didn't but considering how common it was (sadly still is way too common atleast here) I probably did. Boys were called gays and girls called whores. Though it wasn't necessarily directed at someone who seemed any different from the rest, it was just people using it very casually as an insult like people would call someone asshole in example. So nowadays I don't really see it as an insult to the person who it was/is aimed at, but insulting to gays since their sexual orientation is used as a negative. I also got my friend quite upset a while ago, when he talked (via email) about a person who used to bully him in high school by calling him gay. And my response sounded very dismissive when I basically said that you shouldn't felt insulted by it as you aren't gay. But I was able to clear up what I ment and that I didn't intend to down play the bullying he faced.

OP I think it speaks good things about you, that this is bothering you and is weighing on your conscience. I've also faced some bullying in school and personally I'd rather not have any contact with those people. But everyone is different and I don't think it would hurt or cause any harm to apologize if that's a possibilty.

Red Arremer · Jun 10, 2018

Anti said:
Allegedly?
That says it all.

OP already explained that they misunderstood the definition of the word and used it wrongly.

dreamlongdead · Jun 10, 2018

Budi said:
I was thinking similar things just last night. I was trying to remember if I ever used "gay" as an insult when kid. I'd love to say I didn't but considering how common it was (sadly still is way too common atleast here) I probably did. Boys were called gays and girls called whores. Though it wasn't necessarily directed at someone who seemed any different from the rest, it was just people using it very casually as an insult like people would call someone asshole in example. So nowadays I don't really see it as an insult to the person who it was/is aimed at, but insulting to gays since their sexual orientation is used as a negative. I also got my friend quite upset a while ago, when he talked (via email) about a person who used to bully him in high school by calling him gay. And my response sounded very dismissive when I basically said that you shouldn't felt insulted by it as you aren't gay. But I was able to clear up what I ment and that I didn't intend to down play the bullying he faced.

Man, the environment many of us grew up in was just toxic. So much derogatory language just casually thrown around without regards to how it affects others.

I hope it's not as bad with today's kids, and that it phases out completely with future generations.

Red Arremer said:
OP already explained that they misunderstood the definition of the word and used it wrongly.

Thank you.

Tired of these silly people with their worthless responses. I requested a title change to stop this.

gcwy · Jun 10, 2018

Mikey said:
No consequences, fun and easy.

I bet this guy has a wonderful life now.

Budi · Jun 10, 2018

dreamlongdead said:
Man, the environment many of us grew up in was just toxic. So much derogatory language just casually thrown around without regards to how it affects others.

I hope it's not as bad with today's kids, and that it phases out completely with future generations.

I've seen it around atleast in Finland. I was in a local Clash Royale clan for short time and I assume there were a lot of kids/teens in it based on the chatting. I saw "gay" there multiple times, I tried to say it's not cool to use it. But not sure if a random dude lecturing them through a game chat made any difference, I bailed out of there for a company more of my age so no idea if anyone stopped using it. And it's not just kids either, as even our lovely Swedish neighbors seem to stereotype us as homophobes (can't blame them). It's really embarrasing.

dreamlongdead · Jun 10, 2018

The guy who got banned was a really scummy guy.

Funny that my thread caused it!

pigeon_interrupted · Jun 10, 2018

Make ammends where you can, op. It's all we can do. Never forget, though.

Every twenty years or so we tend to look back at the ignorant and idiotic shit we used to do. It proves we are still learning, so put those lessons to good use ;)

Threadkular · Jun 10, 2018

You're going to have these things in your life. The best thing you can do is acknowledge them, make amends if it helps if and you can, and make a change in yourself.

I grew up conservative Catholic in Pennsyltucky, and have done a complete 180 in my viewpoints, so my life is littered with times like this. Gender, race, sexuality, and religious discrimination from my younger self to others.

I've said this before. I'm 35 and my father used to hit my mom. My mom is tied with my wife for the person I love most in the world (and I tell my wife this) so I have some deep seated resentment against my father, but I have to forgive him. I also have to forgive myself for not calling the police when I was young.

Edit: my advice particularly if you grew up Christian... DON'T BE A MARTYR. I have issues with the Jesus story.

I feel ashamed for allegedly being involved in homophobic bullying

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