I didn't realize this thread would move so fast but now that I'm off work I'm going to start answering some questions.
But I will say a couple generic things: the picture she sent years ago, my autistic child who gets confused by simple things (until recently he couldn't remember his own aunt's name despite her babysitting him quite a bit), and a woman who was angry at my wife because of a jealousy issue are all the evidence I have that she's cheated. Her closest family have said they think she's cheating because she's gone a lot and she has spent the night at friend's houses stating she didn't want to drive home drunk. I can't prove shes cheating. And to whomever wrote that I'm a cuck, fuck You. If I had hard evidence I would have left her a long time ago - but I'm not saying cheating could end it unless she is t going to make the effort to come clean or want to improve the other issues. But if she doesn't come clean, wants to keep being distant, and I find out then obviously it's time to end.
And also, to those saying I'm trying to have you guys convince me one way or the other, I promise you that's not it. I posted this because I'm upset, I wanted advice from people who have gone through things. Not to dismiss all the comments but I wanted some hope that if things went south I was going to be okay.
Follow this advice. Different experience for me, but I was in the same boat after 10-11 years together. I did not want the divorce, I wanted to stay and fight for my marriage and she didn't. I made things carry on longer than it should be moving into different rooms in the house, tried to smile and pretend all was well as I hurt inside, and the day she finally agreed to go to counseling, words out of her mouth was I want out. 2nd meeting, she said the exact same thing, so I said fuck it I'm out. There's absolutely no point fighting when the other party doesn't try or is no longer invested.
It sucks you have your son in this too, that was a major concern for me as well with my 2 girls. They were already living an odd life where Mom and Dad did things on their own and they would either go with Mom or Dad, but never together. They cried and didn't like the change initially, but it has got better now that we don't live together and don't do anything together. Kids will fell the impact, but you have to make sure you show them the love their still need, keep both parents in their life unless there's a risk to their well being, and never badmouth the other parent around them or to them. There have been many times I wanted to bitch about my ex or my daughters mention something they did with mom. I either keep my mouth shut and internally allow the frustration to settle or tell them that's nice and change the subject.
I can't believe I'm giving this advice while I still suffer, but you will recover from this. I'm in the depression stage, but recovering and you will get there too if you can't save the marriage. Many times I felt I couldn't go on, wanted a bullet in my head, but remember you have a kid and they need you to stay strong for them. Life is a bitch, but this will only last for a short time and open you up to bigger/better things.
Thank you for this.
But of course she knows. She just doesn't want to be the one to make a move and "be the bad guy," at best. At worst, she wants to continue to avoid confronting it for as long as possible because she is getting a free place to live right now.
Either way: GET. OUT.
I kind of feel that's where her head is at. And because I have no family down here and until recently few friends, she doesn't want to be the villain in front of her own family. They would explode if she were doing shit on the side.
If he can afford it, he should do this. It works to do two things. It will show you, OP, if she is in fact cheating...and it will give you what you need.
I showed up to my divorce with my ex-wife with over 500 pages of paperwork showing her cheating. Pics, texts, phone messages, phone calls, receipts, etc.
It sucks to have to do all that. I have two girls...I got full custody of both. You may not get full custody, but your child should understand once they're old enough to have it all explained to them.
How the hell did he get texts and phone messages? I work for a phone company and I don't know how that's possible.
And I'm a bit fascinated by it.
Be prepared for a bunch of posts from people saying to leave her or it's over, etc.
Ignore them. A lot of them probably haven't had a long term marriage themselves to really know what they are talking about. Some of them may and are only speaking from there own experience. But you clearly don't want your marriage to end and there are ways to get your marriage help that you haven't done yet. If you want to fight for it, fight for it. So many couple's just give up today because they think that because it's broken it cannot be fixed, or have to much stupid pride to fix it.
What you need to do is open communication back up with your wife. Communication is essential to a lasting marriage. See if she wants to go to marriage counseling. Make the marriage counseling be about you and your issues if she refusing to acknowledge she has anything to do with the pain, but just make sure she goes too. If she won't, see a therapist yourself to help stear you through this mess.
And so what if she cheated? Yea it sucks. Probably is the biggest and most heart wrenching betrayal a person can do to another. But there is always a reason for cheating, sometimes those reasons do not mean the marriage has to end. This is where marriage counseling comes in. It is possible to come back from infidelity. The percentage of marriages that have one partner or another that haven't struggled with infidelity at some point are extremely low.
Something you (and really every young married couple in America) need to realize is that marriage is not all sunshine. And the hard times are not the times where you are broke or lost, but at least you have each other. The hard times, the darkest times, are when one or both of you are broken and you don't (or at least feel you don't) have the support of your partner.
Almost every long term successful marriage will go through these types of dark periods. We are only human and humans are incredibly flawed creatures. If you WANT to make the marriage work, then you need to set aside "deal breakers". If every marriage ended in divorce for cheating, 99% of marriages would never last. Now obviously if the cheating continues and doesn't stop then that's a different story. Also if there is abuse you need to address that quickly and if that means ending the marriage, that could be the best thing for everyone involved.
Now, if you absolutely cannot deal anymore and don't want to fight for your marriage, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
But it seems like you don't want it to end, which means you have a hard time ahead of you and you'll need to leave your "deal breakers" at the door. Trust me though, if it works, you two will likely be stronger for it when it's all over.
Edit: Even if she agrees to marriage counseling, you should also see someone by yourself as well. As a few others have pointed out, you seem to have some low self-esteem and talking to someone to help you sort through your own personal thoughts can be extremely beneficial whether or not you decide to fight for your marriage.
Thank you so much for this. This is the kind of post that gives me hope.
I came to a decision today that I'm going to try and make the counseling work. If she has an excuse or says she doesn't want to, or is combative in the session, I'm going to leave. It would be for the best.
You need a shot of self esteem. You are worth more than you think, and worth more to your son without this hanging over you.
My brother in law said something like that. He said I need to work on me and keep being a good dad. And if we can make it work later, great, if not great, either way I'll be doing me and I'll be happier with myself and that will make coping better.
You need to work on changing this mindset ASAP. Sounds like you have major codependency issues here. We've all been there imo, but it's a totally unhealthy way of thinking. This situation is beyond repair imo. Sounds like she hasn't been in love with you for a long time, and is too lazy/cowardly/comfortable to leave you, so she stays with you but just does whatever she wants and tries to interact with you as little as possible. She knows she can do this because you let her.
I don't doubt she still loves me. She has shown that in little things. But the rest is true. All of it.
Also she has power because she has family and friends all around her.
I'm all alone, 1600 miles from home, no college degree, car about to break down, and she has the upper hand.
I don't care who you are bud, you deserve somebody who doesn't make* you worry about being cheated on. I've never had to even worry about any of this sort of stuff in my decade with my wife, none of those red flags are "normal."
You sound like you give a shit and that at the very least means that you deserve to be happier than you are now.
Anyways, I hope you either work it out or manage to make as clean a break as possible. Whatever happens you got to take care of yourself as well.
*I realize that's a tricky subject but in this case there's so much smoke and a lack of communication on her part that his fears aren't his fault or the result of paranoia
Thank you man.
I'm worried about what will happen after.
you need to work on yourself first. lose weight, get your confidence back, move out of your in-laws. you need to do these but I think you already know this. be straight with her. ask her what she wants. see if you can fix it, therapy helps. good luck.
Agreed to your points.
As for me asking, I did do that but she just kept saying "I don't know" to every answer except "do you still love me?" ("Are you serious? Obviously yes, what kind of question is that") and "do you want this marriage to work" ("yes, I want to make it work").
