Couples share the fight that ended their marriages. What ended yours?

LL_Decitrig · Aug 4, 2018

VitalNonsense said:
Not saying he should be taking shit either but saying I can guess why he lost his shit.
What kinds of people tend say their phone is their life? She probably treats the thing like its her pacemaker for 18 hours a day. Take a guess why a guy who got married before smartphones were a thing might lose his patience.

He was a Facebook widow, in other words. Meh. My wife uses Facebook, I'm more of a ResetERA type. Neither of us would dream of snatching one another's telephones. We married in 1985, when mobile telephony was still a toy for rich executives with chauffeured cars and the internet was restricted to a small number of universities and businesses in my country. Things change.

Macleoid · Aug 4, 2018

Not married but as good as - we had a three yo daughter and had lived together for four years. There was no single thing. It was more complicated than that.

Burrman · Aug 4, 2018

LL_Decitrig said:
WTF? If you have to look at your partner's private stuff, you probably don't belong married.

Your probably right, but what's worse going through private stuff or cheating? I think the former gets disregarded after proof is found

LL_Decitrig · Aug 4, 2018

Burrman said:
Your probably right, but what's worse going through private stuff or cheating? I think the former gets disregarded after proof is found

I take your point.

I'm not really that bothered about my wife having sex with other people. It just never struck me as a big deal. The marriage is about much more than sex. But I'd be lying if I said I thought my opinion was universal. Jealousy seems to be the norm.

Burrman · Aug 4, 2018

LL_Decitrig said:
I take your point.

I'm not really that bothered about my wife having sex with other people. It just never struck me as a big deal. The marriage is about much more than sex. But I'd be lying if I said I thought my opinion was universal. Jealousy seems to be the norm.

For real? Does she sleep around? Or are you saying you wouldn't care if she did?

Deleted member 4034 · Aug 4, 2018

weekev said:
It's still fun when your feet hurt Paris is a city that has so many amazing beautiful wonderful things to see and do. In contrast to this story My wife and I spent 4 days in Paris, we saw everything, our legs and feet ached every day but we enjoyed every minute of it because we wanted to take in all the city had to offer. This girl sounds like she wanted to go to Paris to say she had been to Paris. Her hubby wanted to experience Paris. Maybe there is more to it than that but that's the way it sounds to me. I'd have been annoyed if my wife had wanted to just stop and not see everything. Sure we'd sit and have a cappuccino in a cafe but that'd be a 15 minute break from our Paris adventure.

Well that's pretty telling.

LL_Decitrig · Aug 4, 2018

Burrman said:
For real? Does she sleep around? Or are you saying you wouldn't care if she did?

I wouldn't care if she did. I know she had lovers before she met me, and my sex life before we met consisted of sporadic bursts of casual sex with other men. I didn't marry her to restrict her. It was mainly to give her the advantage of legal protections, because she stayed at home while I earned the money a lot of the time. It seemed to work for us. We're neither of us party animals, and we trust each other. It's been 33 years.

Deleted member 4034 · Aug 4, 2018

LL_Decitrig said:
I wouldn't care if she did. I know she had lovers before she met me, and my sex life before we met consisted of sporadic bursts of casual sex with other men. I didn't marry her to restrict her. It was mainly to give her the advantage of legal protections, because she stayed at home while I earned the money a lot of the time. It seemed to work for us. We're neither of us party animals, and we trust each other. It's been 33 years.

Wouldn't it just be easier to say it's an open marriage?

LL_Decitrig · Aug 4, 2018

Bobo Dakes said:
Wouldn't it just be easier to say it's an open marriage?

I don't know. It's characterized more by trust rather than libido. We compare notes about people we find attractive, I'm open about my bisexuality and kinks, she about her exclusive heterosexuality, but we're really boringly monogamistic. My wife still often tells me that marrying me was the best thing she ever did, which I find awfully sweet. She is unequivocally the best thing that ever happened to me.

Burrman · Aug 4, 2018

LL_Decitrig said:
I wouldn't care if she did. I know she had lovers before she met me, and my sex life before we met consisted of sporadic bursts of casual sex with other men. I didn't marry her to restrict her. It was mainly to give her the advantage of legal protections, because she stayed at home while I earned the money a lot of the time. It seemed to work for us. We're neither of us party animals, and we trust each other. It's been 33 years.

I'm all up for anything that makes people happy. So good for you two.

jokingbird · Aug 4, 2018

JCHandsom said:
Funny that the fake economic situation of the Monopoly game reflected your real-life economic situation.

Very true and depressing to think about.

Tater · Aug 4, 2018

LL_Decitrig said:
I have to push back here. On any visit to a new place, or even a revisit to an old one, flexibility is essential. A travelogue won't prepare you for the atmosphere of the city. I could spend an entire leisurely weekend just exploring the Île, then spend a beautiful day in the Bois, capping off with a lazy evening in one of the many restaurants in Montmartre. Maybe take a walk up to the gallery of the Sacré Côeur church to see all the splendour of the city spread out before me. And if it rains, I can spend all day in the D'Orsay or the Louvre looking at famous works of art. But maybe on that particular weekend I might just want to sit around and watch life going by. My wife would have her own list, and we'd both want to enjoy our visit. It would never be formally planned.

I think we're arguing the same point here - I wasn't suggesting that they needed to plan everything out in advance, but that they needed to tell each other the things they really wanted to do there. Even a quick "So, what do you want to do in Paris?" would have helped. There was clearly some discussion, since the man had the woman look up museum times, but it doesn't seem like there was much discussion about what they'd do there in general.

If you've got a long weekend in Paris, you're not going to be able to do everything, so you have to prioritize a bit, which means talking with the people you're going with to make sure that everyone is happy.

In travelling, like so many other things, going with the flow and being flexible usually makes things more enjoyable.

Edit: Unborked my quote tag there

PhallicBaldwin · Aug 4, 2018

Vire said:
It's just so terrible to be "forced" to go to the Louvre. She sounds like a fuddy dud and this is only her side of the story, who knows how much her husband actually pressed to go to one million places. Even still, why fly halfway across the world just to drink coffee, you can do that in your own neighborhood. To observe how French people drink coffee?

If my wife told me that she wanted to spend the day drinking espresso in a cafe all day after I just paid 2 grand to fly to France, there would be a problem in my relationship as well.

Jesus.

My vacations are spent lounging with my wife and friends. It's not supposed to be a chore.

You sound really high strung.

MasterVampire · Aug 4, 2018

CoolestSpot · Aug 4, 2018

MasterVampire said:

Adventureracing · Aug 4, 2018

weekev said:
It's still fun when your feet hurt Paris is a city that has so many amazing beautiful wonderful things to see and do. In contrast to this story My wife and I spent 4 days in Paris, we saw everything, our legs and feet ached every day but we enjoyed every minute of it because we wanted to take in all the city had to offer. This girl sounds like she wanted to go to Paris to say she had been to Paris. Her hubby wanted to experience Paris. Maybe there is more to it than that but that's the way it sounds to me. I'd have been annoyed if my wife had wanted to just stop and not see everything. Sure we'd sit and have a cappuccino in a cafe but that'd be a 15 minute break from our Paris adventure.

I see it the opposite way. Travelling just to fill a checklist of things to see and do doesn't sound appealing at all to me. Just because you spent 4 days in Paris and saw all the major landmarks doesn't mean you have seen everything. You could spend a lifetime in Paris and not experience everything.

Some of my best experiences travelling have just been sitting in a local cafe or pub, meeting the locals and experiencing their culture and history. Sure it's not the same as seeing the louvre and doesn't go on the typical checklist but is it any less meaningful?

Also sometimes I just want to relax and soak it all in. Travelling can be tiresome. Sometimes it's nice to have a relaxing day which isn't go go go.

Most importantly of all though is that you totally missed the point. We can discuss all day about what travelling is all about but there isn't one correct answer. The issue isn't who was right between the husband and wife (so many in this thread seem to be taking sides). The problem is that they hadn't communicated with each other what they wanted and both expected the other to just do things their way. IMO it says a lot about your attitude to relationships if your takeaway from that story was that she should have sucked things up and pushed on.

Relationships require communication and a little bit of give and take. There is a reason so many friendships and relationships are ruined by travelling because it can be super stressful and we all want different things.

Alwayscrazybacon · Aug 4, 2018

I'd get this all the time when women have asked my why I got divorced, they are expecting a one and done answer but it's usually a series of events. Worst thing is that there is a gender bias that a lot of women work on the assumption that it must have been the mans fault. I could see it in their faces as they were weighing up if what I was telling them was the truth. However I found that most divorced women understood and could empathize with me, they've been through it and that weary "yes, I know sounds like my ex husband" was comforting to hear in a way because they understood and I didn't need to prove to them my story was true or have to deal with probing follow up questions.

My second wife is amazing and vindicates me from my first marriage because I didn't need to change a damn thing about myself or what actions I took to be happy together. Yes, Ex wife is was you and not me.

One Eyed Willy · Aug 4, 2018

These stories are crazy to read, I'm thankful my wife is a diamond and we get along well.

weekev · Aug 4, 2018

Adventureracing said:
I see it the opposite way. Travelling just to fill a checklist of things to see and do doesn't sound appealing at all to me. Just because you spent 4 days in Paris and saw all the major landmarks doesn't mean you have seen everything. You could spend a lifetime in Paris and not experience everything.

Some of my best experiences travelling have just been sitting in a local cafe or pub, meeting the locals and experiencing their culture and history. Sure it's not the same as seeing the louvre and doesn't go on the typical checklist but is it any less meaningful?

Also sometimes I just want to relax and soak it all in. Travelling can be tiresome. Sometimes it's nice to have a relaxing day which isn't go go go.

Most importantly of all though is that you totally missed the point. We can discuss all day about what travelling is all about but there isn't one correct answer. The issue isn't who was right between the husband and wife (so many in this thread seem to be taking sides). The problem is that they hadn't communicated with each other what they wanted and both expected the other to just do things their way. IMO it says a lot about your attitude to relationships if your takeaway from that story was that she should have sucked things up and pushed on.

Relationships require communication and a little bit of give and take. There is a reason so many friendships and relationships are ruined by travelling because it can be super stressful and we all want different things.

Yeah I see your point here. Their holiday to Paris was rubbish cos they wanted different things and didn't speak about it. Communication is by far the most important part of any relationship. When that goes, it's very hard to come back from.

PhazonBlonde · Aug 4, 2018

Bobo Dakes said:
Wouldn't it just be easier to say it's an open marriage?

... do you know what an open relationship is?

Deleted member 4034 · Aug 4, 2018

PhazonBlonde said:
... do you know what an open relationship is?

It sounded like they were initially (to me at least), then he elaborated a bit more and confirmed that wasn't the case.

tatotiburon · Aug 4, 2018

I love my wife

floridaguy954 · Aug 4, 2018

Vire said:
No I mean her, really. You get to go to France and all you want to do is go to an espresso cafe and sip coffee all day? There's a whole world to explore and see.

I disagree and I think you are missing her point. To her, visiting Paris was a relaxing, scenic vacation vs her ex, where it was some sort of sight seeing contest.

This is how my girlfriend and I felt when we went on a 6 day cruise earlier this year We did all the things and went to many events on the ship for the first few days (including a dance party nearly every night). Day 4 rolls around and we're both exhausted . We decided to sleep, watch Netflix and the sunrise/sunset, and enjoy the sauna for the remainder and actually have a relaxing vacation.

GSG · Aug 5, 2018

Not really directly applicable to the topic at hand, but my wife and I are 1 year into our marriage and, while we're holding strong, there are external forces putting a lot of pressure on our marriage, namely my parents. The situation is relatable to the plot line of Crazy Rich Asians except I'm not even close to being rich or as desirable as the main guy in that movie.

I'm not gonna let my parents ruin our marriage from my side, but I just don't know how long my wife will be able to bear the constant stress and animosity created by my parents, it's really hard on her. I hope I never have an applicable story to tell in this thread.

Bob Beat · Aug 5, 2018

If anything, when a marriage has gone to shit, there's usually an iceberg of shit hidden under the surface. Talk with a friend whose marriage is falling apart. Then talk some more as it happens and you'll just find yourself astonished by the complexity and vileness. You just want to turn your head and run.

To any person considering marriage or newly married, it's rare that things were fine and one bad argument ended your marriage. That's not to say that humans aren't greatly capable of denial or ignorance. You can think things are fine when they are not. I wouldn't sweat the single argument. Some of these are tidy quick stories so the person doesn't have to relive the awful details. We protect ourselves and our minds. It's painful to think about so people naturally will leave out some details.

Like my buddy who got divorced. Took a few conversations before he admitted to getting another girl pregnant and the baby lives across the country and he pays child support. His story sounded worse when he told me how wife got him arrested.

Jonnax · Aug 5, 2018

GSG said:
Not really directly applicable to the topic at hand, but my wife and I are 1 year into our marriage and, while we're holding strong, there are external forces putting a lot of pressure on our marriage, namely my parents. The situation is relatable to the plot line of Crazy Rich Asians except I'm not even close to being rich or as desirable as the main guy in that movie.

I'm not gonna let my parents ruin our marriage from my side, but I just don't know how long my wife will be able to bear the constant stress and animosity created by my parents, it's really hard on her. I hope I never have an applicable story to tell in this thread.

?????
Cut ties with your parents.

Bob Beat · Aug 5, 2018

GSG said:
Not really directly applicable to the topic at hand, but my wife and I are 1 year into our marriage and, while we're holding strong, there are external forces putting a lot of pressure on our marriage, namely my parents. The situation is relatable to the plot line of Crazy Rich Asians except I'm not even close to being rich or as desirable as the main guy in that movie.

I'm not gonna let my parents ruin our marriage from my side, but I just don't know how long my wife will be able to bear the constant stress and animosity created by my parents, it's really hard on her. I hope I never have an applicable story to tell in this thread.

I just moved away. Got so bad, leaving felt great.

The priority, if you love your wife, is to reinforce that she is your priority.

And I suggest every couple read The Five Love Languages. Not to gsg in particular but every couple. Y'all are probably speaking in different languages and don't know it. About the best book for my marriage. And it's still hard to do.

Zeel · Aug 5, 2018

Landy828 said:
My marriage of 10 years ended with a combination of my ex's mental problems, self medication, child endagerment, and inability to keep her legs closed to other men.

I was faithful throughout, supported every venture she tried, tried to "fix" our marriage for 3 years for my kids at the end, then finally bailed out and took full custody of both of my daughters.

Things are 2835367372827282626 times better now than when I was in that relationship.

Wow, this really hits the spot...
I had the same happening to me literally word by word, the only difference being I have a son and a daughter.
It's not easy being a lone father.

Novoitus · Aug 5, 2018

Jonnax said:
?????
Cut ties with your parents.

lmao yeah it's so easy to cut ties w/ the people who raised you

stop posting dumb shit

Jonnax · Aug 5, 2018

Novoitus said:
lmao yeah it's so easy to cut ties w/ the people who raised you

stop posting dumb shit

I didn't mean in the scientologist sense, but moving away or seeing them less would reduce the negative impact they have.

Novoitus · Aug 5, 2018

Jonnax said:
I didn't mean in the scientologist sense, but moving away or seeing them less would reduce the negative impact they have.

sure it would.

but parents aren't easy to cut off for a crazy amount of reasons.

Lunchbox · Aug 5, 2018

The_Land said:
Further proof that I'm never getting married. Tinder flings are good enough for me

Fax, no printer.

UltimateHigh · Aug 5, 2018

Yeah, good luck with all of that.

Johnny956 · Aug 5, 2018

Vire said:
No I mean her, really. You get to go to France and all you want to do is go to an espresso cafe and sip coffee all day? There's a whole world to explore and see.

My wife is like that while I like to explore. We compromise. Relax or do whatever she wants one day and my stuff the next and rotate basically. Sometimes she'll want to do something but at a slower pace and that's okay. It's amazing how selfish people can be in marriage

linkboy · Aug 5, 2018

Novoitus said:
lmao yeah it's so easy to cut ties w/ the people who raised you

stop posting dumb shit

He needs to out his foot down with his parents.

My son is my parents only grandchild and my mother is addicted to him. She's always trying to find ways to get him (which is fine, both his mom and I want him to spend time with them).

The issue is that my mom makes demands instead of asking and doesn't show my ex the respect she deserves as my son's mother. That was an issue when my ex and I were married and it's still an issue.

My mom's insistence that everything be about her was a huge strain on my ex and I (among the other things I listed in a previous post as to why my marriage ended).

If he just continues to let his parents dictate his marriage, it's going to fail. Eventually, the damn is going to break.

You can put your foot down and be firm while still showing the parents the respect they deserve.

DWarriorSN · Aug 5, 2018

Slightly Ot but i went through something similar as the blended family story.

When i was like 9 my mom was married to a guy who only had 1 son from him (youngest bro), me and my older bro were from previous relationships.

The amount of favortism he had for my young brother was beyond obvious and we would get harshly scolded by him whenever it was something negative involving my brother.

One day we were laughing at our younger brother because he started crying when a lizard was on top of his toy, so his father came up to us and started choking us against a wall.

My mom started beating him with a broomstick so he would to let us go.

The divorce happened shortly after and HE ended up getting custody of his blood son by telling him to lie about a multitude of things and my brother being a kid who was pampered by his dad did as he said.

Obviously it turned out that his dad was a completly controlling psycho and after 10 yrs and series of escalting events that ended up in a physical fist fight against his dad my brother left to live with me and my mom in the U.S.

DrEvil · Aug 5, 2018

WrenchNinja said:
You talking about your ex or the dogs

Both honestly. It's such a longer story but it ruined me for years.

cvxfreak · Aug 5, 2018

Soaking in the cafe culture in Paris is totally a legitimate part of the experience and people who write that off probably don't know all that much about the city.

There's also no single correct way to travel and it's annoying to see people insinuate as much.

Deleted member 4367 · Aug 5, 2018

Novoitus said:
lmao yeah it's so easy to cut ties w/ the people who raised you

stop posting dumb shit

Spouse and kids go above everybody else. Boundaries must be set and respected. It is his responsibility to make sure his parents aren't awful to her like they seem to be.

ginger ninja · Aug 5, 2018

Vire said:
It's just so terrible to be "forced" to go to the Louvre. She sounds like a fuddy dud and this is only her side of the story, who knows how much her husband actually pressed to go to one million places. Even still, why fly halfway across the world just to drink coffee, you can do that in your own neighborhood. To observe how French people drink coffee?

If my wife told me that she wanted to spend the day drinking espresso in a cafe all day after I just paid 2 grand to fly to France, there would be a problem in my relationship as well.

This sounds like the worst kind of tourism. You go to new places to observe culture, experience new things, may be meet new people and just enjoy in general, not to check off a list of famous places to visit so you can boast you went there. Husband seems like he had his head way up his own ass.

Nude_Tayne · Aug 5, 2018

Vire said:
No I mean her, really. You get to go to France and all you want to do is go to an espresso cafe and sip coffee all day? There's a whole world to explore and see.

I'd want to do both. There are certain things of real cultural value I'd definitely want to see, but I hate doing the touristy thing on vacations. I'd love to be in Paris and just soak up the atmosphere, immersed in the city, sipping espresso outside a nice cafe.

That lady comes off as kind of an asshole though. It's his first time in Paris and there are things you just do when it's your first time in Paris.

Titik · Aug 5, 2018

Many of these sound like there were already underlying problems and the fight was just what broke the camels back.

Random Painted Highway · Aug 5, 2018

Going on a non beach vacation and not ending up with some sort of minor injury is such a foreign concept to me (beaches of course come with sunburns usually for us). But if your partner doesn't feel similarly you have to compromise. But I'm guessing in that case there wasn't much communication or listening going on by either party. We did about two weeks in Italy last summer and we packed in an amazing amount of sights and activities, only downtime was really eating and sleeping. It isn't that simple for even fairly well to do Americans to get to Europe, particularly with small children to need to be taken or left with grandparents, so pack it all in. It's on the guy for botching the Louvre openings, have to take some ownership in some trip prep if you are going to be the taskmaster.

Before you get married, take a trip to an interesting city you've never been to and figure these things out, you're going to be taking lots of trips, hopefully, over the marriage.

Nacho · Aug 5, 2018

olag said:
Yea sorry but holidays are for relaxing and having fun. No one should be forced to do anything just because they are abroad.

Interesting to me... in an 8 year relationship and what keeps it strong, even though we have hugely varying interests, is compromise. I do plenty of things I don't necessarily want to do but I do it because it makes her happy, and likewise with her.

Example: We just went on a trip to the west coast. Me and my buddy really wanted to bike ride along the beach, she hates biking and has only done it once in our 8 years (I bike regularly), she did it! She did 12 miles too, it was def more than she wanted to and she got kinda grumpy but she knew it would make me happy. The next day I went with her to shop at vintage stores even though I really didn't have much interest in it.

Not saying that story we're talking about looked good for the husband, but it didnt for the wife either. Both people sound like inflexible, unfun people. From her perspective she doesnt seem to have any sympathy for how excited he must be to be in the city for the first time. Really sounds like it was just her coming to the realization that she was done with the marriage, not about the activities in particular.

StrangeADT · Aug 5, 2018

Nerdyone said:
I've been married for 20 years and I have to call bullshit on this woman. If we are paying to go to France for a vacation and we don't discuss the agenda before hand then it's both of their failf

Isn't this about the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak? It's not like you see everything about her relationship from a single story.

SAKY · Aug 5, 2018

Our marriage was dying or dead for a few years. A lack of real communication coupled with the usual spats, as expected, created animosity which ultimately lead to adultry. Once this event came to light it was made clear that an attempt at reconciliation was not going to happen with a resounding "No".

Communicate people, and don't linger when you are unhappy beyond repair. Staying in a failed marriage or ignoring the issue only makes things worse. Seems like common sense but people do just that.

Steeped in a Sea of Games · Aug 5, 2018

People arguing on and on about the Paris story really sells it as a good reason to get divorced.

Supau · Aug 5, 2018

Novoitus said:
but parents aren't easy to cut off for a crazy amount of reasons.

Not that difficult! *knows from experience*

Deadly Cyclone · Aug 5, 2018

Arrowgigantic said:
Hey, if someone's nice enough to drag your never-learned-how-to-walk ass to Paris, you can either walk on a blister like an adult or get divorced. Those are the two options.

Maybe I read the story wrong but it seemed like the wife was fine with sightseeing, but at the end of one of the days she wanted to take a break and rest her feet with a beverage. I'd do that too. After a long day of walking, grabbing a beer and people watching sounds great.

Deleted member 4274 · Aug 6, 2018

Rivenblade said:
Yeah, this sounds bad. Sorry you had to go through that, especially at that age. Sounds like your parents weren't all that mature then either.

Mom was like 21 my dad about 15 years older I think. HE definitely knew better. Divorce is fine. See your seeds though

Couples share the fight that ended their marriages. What ended yours?

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