just be honest and straightforward with it, there's actually quite a lot of people in this type of lifestyle or interested in it
-
Ever wanted an RSS feed of all your favorite gaming news sites? Go check out our new Gaming Headlines feed! Read more about it here.
-
We have made minor adjustments to how the search bar works on ResetEra. You can read about the changes here.
Poly/Open Relationship Support Thread
- Thread starter Nothing Loud
- Start date
just be honest and straightforward with it, there's actually quite a lot of people in this type of lifestyle or interested in it
I think OKCupid is the easiest for poly people. You can select that you're partnered and looking for non-monogamous relationships
Your bio should just be a written version of your personality. Just write what feels right. Explain what you're looking for. If you're a funny person make your bio funny.
Last edited:
Sadsic , Jzeero thank you for the confimation!
I went with 'married and dating separately' and maybe changing it to 'Non-monogamous and married'
Let's see how bumble works out...
For my wife the app doesn't mater. And the married but dating thing doesnt mater even less.
For men it seems to mater a lot :)
I went with 'married and dating separately' and maybe changing it to 'Non-monogamous and married'
Let's see how bumble works out...
For my wife the app doesn't mater. And the married but dating thing doesnt mater even less.
For men it seems to mater a lot :)
OP
OP
Hi everyone,
I want to post an update. I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now and we're very serious. He lived with me and my husband for 4 months while he got back on his feet and it was an amazing experience. Such a tender V poly relationship, I've never felt any love like it.
my other update is that I've started to fall for this new guy who I have a lot in common with, and he's falling for me too and he's also poly. He's really cool and he's a very tender person which I find attractive, and he's also deaf which has been really interesting and humbling to learn about. So I'm on the verge of having a second boyfriend...but this one likely not as serious as my other one, definitely not as much as my husband of course.
so yeah, I guess I'm married, poly, in 3 relationships at 3 different stages, with a pair of them being a V.
AMA Era lmao
but I'm not gonna lie and say it's been a cake walk. Nothing I mean NOTHING teaches you communication and overcoming tension like having multiple romantic relationships. Most monogamous people can't imagine, but basically if you experience just a little bit of tension (like an argument or a hurtful comment) you might experience blending and multiplicity, which is what I call it. Blending being accidentally mixing up your emotions and boundaries for your partners, like feeling hurt by what partner A said and having it affect your relationship with partner B. Multiplicity is how one small issue can feel magnified if you're experiencing small issues at the same time in other relationships. The compound effect can be overwhelming. I've snapped at partner A because they entered the situation after partner B and I had already gotten into a dispute for a while and I was riled up. So challenges like this exist, but I go to therapy and I've developed really good communication skills so my partners and I are overall pretty satisfied with our relationships
I want to post an update. I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now and we're very serious. He lived with me and my husband for 4 months while he got back on his feet and it was an amazing experience. Such a tender V poly relationship, I've never felt any love like it.
my other update is that I've started to fall for this new guy who I have a lot in common with, and he's falling for me too and he's also poly. He's really cool and he's a very tender person which I find attractive, and he's also deaf which has been really interesting and humbling to learn about. So I'm on the verge of having a second boyfriend...but this one likely not as serious as my other one, definitely not as much as my husband of course.
so yeah, I guess I'm married, poly, in 3 relationships at 3 different stages, with a pair of them being a V.
AMA Era lmao
but I'm not gonna lie and say it's been a cake walk. Nothing I mean NOTHING teaches you communication and overcoming tension like having multiple romantic relationships. Most monogamous people can't imagine, but basically if you experience just a little bit of tension (like an argument or a hurtful comment) you might experience blending and multiplicity, which is what I call it. Blending being accidentally mixing up your emotions and boundaries for your partners, like feeling hurt by what partner A said and having it affect your relationship with partner B. Multiplicity is how one small issue can feel magnified if you're experiencing small issues at the same time in other relationships. The compound effect can be overwhelming. I've snapped at partner A because they entered the situation after partner B and I had already gotten into a dispute for a while and I was riled up. So challenges like this exist, but I go to therapy and I've developed really good communication skills so my partners and I are overall pretty satisfied with our relationships
I did not know we had this thread. Hell yeah.
Not much to say other than that the pandemic has been an interesting test of patience with how much time I've had to spend apart from my non-nesting partner.
Not much to say other than that the pandemic has been an interesting test of patience with how much time I've had to spend apart from my non-nesting partner.
OP
OP
nice! How has it been for you guys?
Is anyone here "out" as poly in their workplace or home/families? If so, what was coming out like that for you? Any advice?
my parents are evangelical Christians so I'm considering taking my poly secret to the grave; they would never understand.
My wife and I are fully out, as is my girlfriend. Almost everyone was very supportive, but my mom completely disowned me afterwards.
But my mom sucks, so no big loss
I just recently came out to my mom as bi, kinky, and poly. She was basically like "duh I knew that I was just waiting for you to tell me" lol 😂 not that I was afraid of not accepting me just not exactly looking to "come out". Now the only thing I'm worried about is how my dad will react
Kinda had to as she was prying a bit into my relationships and couldn't really hide that fact that some of them were BDSM related. Not that that really phased her though as she's not exactly vanilla herself
Gonna definitely watch this thread. I currently have a nesting partner and another girl friend and between that and metas our polycule is about 6 people.
It's challenging sometimes, especially the time issue, but at long as communication is open we figure it all out.
I'd recommend the multiamory podcast as I've found it invaluable
It's challenging sometimes, especially the time issue, but at long as communication is open we figure it all out.
I'd recommend the multiamory podcast as I've found it invaluable
My wife and I are basically dating another husband and wife for a little over a year.
So far my mom knows and the other wife's sister knows. We're taking this very slowly, most to avoid damaging our friend circle. It's been an incredibly interesting process as there isn't a lot of documentation on the internet for this that doesn't lead straight to porn.
So far my mom knows and the other wife's sister knows. We're taking this very slowly, most to avoid damaging our friend circle. It's been an incredibly interesting process as there isn't a lot of documentation on the internet for this that doesn't lead straight to porn.
OP
OP
OP
OP
yes, totally agreed. Polyamory and open relationships are not a new concept but they're so taboo there's not a lot of positive literature or research around it. But what does exist is pretty helpful, like the books I recommended. My therapist and I are doing bibliotherapy, going through research articles and books we can find on the topic so we can both learn and she can learn how to therapeutically treat and advise me as a poly person better.
My poly marriage story. My wife and I did this twice in the first few years of our marriage. My wife identified as bisexual when she was a teenager and I met her when she was 20. I knew this about her, she was totally open about this. So a few years later, after we got married, she wanted to explore this side of herself again by having a threesome with another woman. We did that and it turned into a full poly relationship. This person even moved in with us eventually, we never told our families about this. It ended up breaking apart for a myriad of reasons.
Cut to two years later, we try this again with someone else and we said all the things we would avoid this time and how much smarter we were. Ends the same way eventually. It's just such a complicated thing to be involved in and there's all sorts of unforeseen emotions that you experience along the way. For us, those types of relationships just don't work long term. I had a ton of fun along the way and it's exciting to fall in love again and have these experiences, but a full blown poly relationship is something we won't try again.
Cut to two years later, we try this again with someone else and we said all the things we would avoid this time and how much smarter we were. Ends the same way eventually. It's just such a complicated thing to be involved in and there's all sorts of unforeseen emotions that you experience along the way. For us, those types of relationships just don't work long term. I had a ton of fun along the way and it's exciting to fall in love again and have these experiences, but a full blown poly relationship is something we won't try again.
Last edited:
I'm out to my friends and family. My fiancé is not out to anyone but some work friends, and my other partner is very low-level out to her family (in that they know she and her husband are open), and to a few of our mutual friends.
So it's mostly not a thing that gets talked about, but I'm interested to see how our wedding plays out since there's no way I'm not having my other partner there, and our connection isn't something anyone with eyes will miss. And assuming my fiancé's other partner is still a thing by then, he'd be there too for maximum weirdness.
I have zero interest in being closeted, but I accept that the people most important to me have important reasons for not being there yet and that's okay.
Hey, sorry/ not sorry for the crazy bump. I've been reading everything I can this week on the subject and finally turned to Era and found this thread.
My story: I'm in a seven-year monogamous* relationship with my partner. We love each other and we're each other's family at this point. We have a very domestic-oriented life with each other but there isn't any sex and there hasn't been in a long time. I've wanted to get into couples therapy around the topic but he'd been resistant in the past and always kind of sidestepped the question. I'd always felt open to being non-monogamous but it felt like a monolith of a question that I couldn't broach. During an argument last year it came out that he had cheated on me (I suspect it's something that's been ongoing with different people although he as cagey about it). At the time I was devastated but the pandemic really shuffled the deck on priorities, support and what's important. He has asked in passing if I wanted to see other people but I didn't at the time, I just wanted him. I would have been open to the idea but i feel like that conversation was skipping steps. Anyway, I ended up having a horrendous 2021 and my partner was an incredible support through some horrible experiences; the whole thing seemed to strengthen our relationship in new ways.
Fast forward to now. When my partner was out of town, I decided to get on the apps, it had been so long since I'd had any sex, I couldn't resist any longer. I ended up chatting with someone who had been in a very similar situation with his ex and showed me a lot of empathy and we had an almost instant easy vibe while chatting. So we got together. And it was incredible. The sex was out of control and our chemistry overall was super intense but also sweet. It turns out we're in the same industry and at one point literally during sex we started pitching ideas to each other and plotting a creative project... all while fucking. It was so funny and fun and wild.
And so we've been seeing each other all week and we've not been able to control ourselves around each other. I feel like I'm falling in love with him. And he is falling in love with me. It's constant communication, transparency, love notes, mix tape playlists, constant butterflies. It's the happiest I've been in as long as I can remember. Strangely, through all of this, I've felt a new level of love and fondness for my partner and it's made me see him in a different light. I think it's extremely likely that he'd really like this guy. The new guy knows everything about my situation, but my partner knows nothing... yet.
Sneaking around is unsustainable and I don't want to do it anymore. I also don't want the new guy to be a secret side piece. I want to go to concerts with him, work on creative projects, dance, travel, be social, all of it. He is casually dating someone that he's non-monogamous with and overall discovered monogamy is not for him. He loves the idea of being my "other boyfriend" (his words, although I wouldn't want to think of either him or my partner as an "other") and expressed openness to spending time with me and my partner whether just socially or sexually or both.
I want to talk to my partner sooner than later. And I don't want to lie to him. I think he might be relieved to find I've gone and gotten some outside of the relationship. I'm much murkier on how he'd be knowing about the emotional component that's blooming between me and the new guy. I do think there's a good chance he would be open to a more poly configuration for us. I go back and forth about the three of us being sexual together. I feel kind of greedy about the new guy right now but I can also imagine it being a turn on for my partner to either play with us, watch or just hear about it. (my partner and I had a fun, wild sex life in the beginning and being sex-positive was part of our ethos before we became pretty domesticated).
I just had this vision of it all working. The three of us having a blast together at live music, or cruising out to the desert or geeking out on some favorite shows or movies (new guy and I have absurdly simpatico taste). I feel like this could actually deepen and expand the relationship between my partner and me and to kick open the door for much more openness and transparency between us.
All this said, I know I went about it the wrong way and the conversations should have happened first. But this is where I am and I want to make good choices on how to proceed while doing my best to protect everyone's heart.
TL;DR
I'm in a sexless seven year relationship with someone I still love very much and I'm falling in love with a new guy and it's blown open the poly possibility for me.
Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Oh, and thanks for this thread, OP.
My story: I'm in a seven-year monogamous* relationship with my partner. We love each other and we're each other's family at this point. We have a very domestic-oriented life with each other but there isn't any sex and there hasn't been in a long time. I've wanted to get into couples therapy around the topic but he'd been resistant in the past and always kind of sidestepped the question. I'd always felt open to being non-monogamous but it felt like a monolith of a question that I couldn't broach. During an argument last year it came out that he had cheated on me (I suspect it's something that's been ongoing with different people although he as cagey about it). At the time I was devastated but the pandemic really shuffled the deck on priorities, support and what's important. He has asked in passing if I wanted to see other people but I didn't at the time, I just wanted him. I would have been open to the idea but i feel like that conversation was skipping steps. Anyway, I ended up having a horrendous 2021 and my partner was an incredible support through some horrible experiences; the whole thing seemed to strengthen our relationship in new ways.
Fast forward to now. When my partner was out of town, I decided to get on the apps, it had been so long since I'd had any sex, I couldn't resist any longer. I ended up chatting with someone who had been in a very similar situation with his ex and showed me a lot of empathy and we had an almost instant easy vibe while chatting. So we got together. And it was incredible. The sex was out of control and our chemistry overall was super intense but also sweet. It turns out we're in the same industry and at one point literally during sex we started pitching ideas to each other and plotting a creative project... all while fucking. It was so funny and fun and wild.
And so we've been seeing each other all week and we've not been able to control ourselves around each other. I feel like I'm falling in love with him. And he is falling in love with me. It's constant communication, transparency, love notes, mix tape playlists, constant butterflies. It's the happiest I've been in as long as I can remember. Strangely, through all of this, I've felt a new level of love and fondness for my partner and it's made me see him in a different light. I think it's extremely likely that he'd really like this guy. The new guy knows everything about my situation, but my partner knows nothing... yet.
Sneaking around is unsustainable and I don't want to do it anymore. I also don't want the new guy to be a secret side piece. I want to go to concerts with him, work on creative projects, dance, travel, be social, all of it. He is casually dating someone that he's non-monogamous with and overall discovered monogamy is not for him. He loves the idea of being my "other boyfriend" (his words, although I wouldn't want to think of either him or my partner as an "other") and expressed openness to spending time with me and my partner whether just socially or sexually or both.
I want to talk to my partner sooner than later. And I don't want to lie to him. I think he might be relieved to find I've gone and gotten some outside of the relationship. I'm much murkier on how he'd be knowing about the emotional component that's blooming between me and the new guy. I do think there's a good chance he would be open to a more poly configuration for us. I go back and forth about the three of us being sexual together. I feel kind of greedy about the new guy right now but I can also imagine it being a turn on for my partner to either play with us, watch or just hear about it. (my partner and I had a fun, wild sex life in the beginning and being sex-positive was part of our ethos before we became pretty domesticated).
I just had this vision of it all working. The three of us having a blast together at live music, or cruising out to the desert or geeking out on some favorite shows or movies (new guy and I have absurdly simpatico taste). I feel like this could actually deepen and expand the relationship between my partner and me and to kick open the door for much more openness and transparency between us.
All this said, I know I went about it the wrong way and the conversations should have happened first. But this is where I am and I want to make good choices on how to proceed while doing my best to protect everyone's heart.
TL;DR
I'm in a sexless seven year relationship with someone I still love very much and I'm falling in love with a new guy and it's blown open the poly possibility for me.
Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Oh, and thanks for this thread, OP.
Last edited:
As much as it's hard to do. Honesty is where it has to start. And that means honesty about the emotional component as well.
It would be very easy to just say hey I went out and got sex is that okay? Especially if you feel they are already okay about that.
It's harder to admit of the growing feelings your having.
And another thing that's going to be had but I feel is necessary for you do before you have this conversation with your partner. Is to tell the third person that you need to tone down the relationship until you know how your partner feels about it.
I wish you all the love and luck in the world!
It would be very easy to just say hey I went out and got sex is that okay? Especially if you feel they are already okay about that.
It's harder to admit of the growing feelings your having.
And another thing that's going to be had but I feel is necessary for you do before you have this conversation with your partner. Is to tell the third person that you need to tone down the relationship until you know how your partner feels about it.
I wish you all the love and luck in the world!
Yeah, I agree completely. There's no point in telling my partner and leaving out the truth about the feelings I'm having. This isn't just sex, it's a shift in perspective and the thought of a potentially important new person in my and our life.
As much as I'm going to miss the new guy this week, it's kind of a relief that he's going to be out of town for a bit so it gives me a good chance to breathe, process and hopefully find a way to initiate this conversation with my partner.
And thank you for the well wishes :)
I'm rooting for you, I know the experience your going through all too well.
Some aspects it i went through exactly the same way.
Aw, that's nice to hear. I really feel a lot of respect and admiration for folks on this path and appreciate your perspective and support.
Sidenote: the other revelation I've been having this week is this. "The rest of my life has been very much by my own design, why should I take an off the shelf approach to my romantic life if it doesn't suit me?" It might seem basic but once I internalized that thought it was like seeing stars.
This isn't advice, but watch the movie "Drive My Car," because there are some insane parallels between your life as described in this post and that movie. Not in a poly or thematic way though just in like some very specific plot details.
OP
OP
Non-monogamy means you don't ascribe to being sexually or intimately exclusive to one person.
Polyamory means you are open to multiple possible romantic or intimate relationships simultaneously.
You can be non-monogamous (e.g open to sex outside your relationship) while not being poly (not being open to romance or intimacy outside your relationship)
Similarly, you can be cheated on even if you're poly. Being open to multiple relationships doesn't mean there aren't agreements or boundaries established.
Well stated. Although even those definitions aren't exactly codified and there's a lot of interchangeability of the terms even among members of the community.
thank you very much - thats precisely the level of detail i was looking for.
im in a situation now with my long term partner where this conversation will by necessity be coming up, and im trying to do my part by doing as much research as i can to come to an understanding about my own needs and my partners needs and how we can navigate seeing them met safely and respectfully going forward.
Life update:
Things have been deepening with the new guy and had the talk with my primary partner today... he's thrilled for me! He totally approves of all of it feels like it's had a renewing effect on our own relationship. I feel so relieved and happy with everything on the table now. Thanks everyone who weighed in on this little bit of my journey <3
Things have been deepening with the new guy and had the talk with my primary partner today... he's thrilled for me! He totally approves of all of it feels like it's had a renewing effect on our own relationship. I feel so relieved and happy with everything on the table now. Thanks everyone who weighed in on this little bit of my journey <3
OP
OP
I met a new guy on Grindr and we have started to fool around together and with my husband and we like each other now…possible bf coming through…or maybe even a triad if my husband and him start liking each other too? XD we have a great vibe, love spending time together with this fella.
Amazing! Poly love can be so rewarding. Congratulations
Amazing! Poly love can be so rewarding. Congratulations
Thank you folks! I really couldn't have asked for a better outcome. The future looks so bright all of the sudden :)
This is awesome! Keep us posted!
Just wanted to share a couple more moments that have been incredibly sweet and revelatory this week.
Monday night, I had the first hangout with the new boyfriend with my primary partner's full knowledge and approval. I wasn't sure if I was staying the night or not (something we'd not been able to do so far) but my partner said it was fine with him if I did. Once it became clear Monday night that I'd be staying there, the new bf was elated and when I texted my primary to tell him I was sleeping over, he texted back "Have a BLAST! I love you!" It was so wild and sweet. Had an incredible night with the bf and he told me to thank my partner for him and to show him a lot of extra love the next day. So I brought my primary guy flowers and he loved 'em.
I have to say, this is just a thrilling new world. Not keeping secrets, sharing the love and being upfront, it's all so... wholesome <3
Sidenote, I'm not fully sold on the primary/ secondary nomenclature because it seems so hierarchical out of the gate. Obviously, one of these relationships is already well established and one is new but I'm curious what other people use or like or don't like in identifying their people and their place in your life.
Monday night, I had the first hangout with the new boyfriend with my primary partner's full knowledge and approval. I wasn't sure if I was staying the night or not (something we'd not been able to do so far) but my partner said it was fine with him if I did. Once it became clear Monday night that I'd be staying there, the new bf was elated and when I texted my primary to tell him I was sleeping over, he texted back "Have a BLAST! I love you!" It was so wild and sweet. Had an incredible night with the bf and he told me to thank my partner for him and to show him a lot of extra love the next day. So I brought my primary guy flowers and he loved 'em.
I have to say, this is just a thrilling new world. Not keeping secrets, sharing the love and being upfront, it's all so... wholesome <3
Sidenote, I'm not fully sold on the primary/ secondary nomenclature because it seems so hierarchical out of the gate. Obviously, one of these relationships is already well established and one is new but I'm curious what other people use or like or don't like in identifying their people and their place in your life.
Anchor partner is one that is used a lot, but I think that has issues as well.
Nesting partner works if you live the majority of your time with one person.
And great to hear that your journey is going well
Thanks! Hmm, I kind of like nesting partner... I'm going with partner and boyfriend for the moment but as things evolve I want to find something that makes sense and feels right for everyone.
That's the truth actually. You won't really know what to call everyone until the relationship has fully evolved to what it's going to be.
I'm not poly but I've daydreamed about it, which as a straight man makes me blush because it sounds so stereotypical ("who wouldn't want to be able to have multiple girlfriends, duh!" is the internal rebuttal I subject myself to).
But I just wanted to say I loved reading your story and adore how things have worked out so far for y'all. I wish you patience and clarity and happiness - for your partners as well!
Hey, that's really nice of you, thanks, I appreciate it!
A close friend of mine and my partner's is straight and he and his girlfriend are in the poly community. He's very grounded, not gross and pretty enlightened overall. From my understanding there might be different complications that wouldn't quite be there with a queer poly situation but by no means does it seem like something that should be off limits to you to explore if it's interesting to you.
Maybe do some reading up? I'm just reading The Ethical Slut right now but there are probably some more modern texts for folks to recommend.
My situation is a bit different, perhaps. I'm happily married (6 years) with a child on the way in August. My wife isn't religious but she does have more traditional values when it comes to marriage and relationships. I've tip-toed up to the conversation a couple of times before and can tell it's just not really on her radar, and it doesn't seem like something she's even curious about. So that's that, really. But like I said, our marriage is a happy one so I don't feel like it's something I *need.* It's just something I would want to explore cautiously, with agreed-upon boundaries, if she was open to it.
Last edited:
OP
OP
Update: it was phenomenal, an absolute treasure of a birthday present. A guy I'm starting to poly date (moving past fwb, we have feelings for each other) and another guy I'm starting to sort of fwb/transition to poly date came over and orgied with me and my husband Saturday night. We were all tested beforehand, negative and on PreP, we just shared each other and came in/on each other and laughed and kissed and had a blast of a time sharing each other, then we cuddled each other to sleep in our king size bed until the morning. It was bliss, gay, open/poly love/friendship/fun. I live for moments like these and it makes me so thankful that my husband and I have opened our hearts and minds to open/poly relationship fun.
Ah that's awesome! Happy birthday and what an amazing way to celebrate, glad you all had so much fun. And whew, PreP is such a game changer, it's crazy.
My partner and I ran into his new fuckbuddy while we were grocery shopping and it was hilarious-- I think the guy was a little thrown but my partner and I laughed about it all the way home. Meanwhile, the new bf just headed to spend a month in Europe--- it's going to be a loooooong month with him away. But I surprised him with a gift bag of a fancy neck pillow, eye mask, Euro power converters and some other plane goodies. He was super touched and it made for a sweet last night together before he went.
My wife and I recently opened our relationship after being together 4.5 years.. Overall it's been fun and exciting but the biggest challenge for me has been how much more difficult it is for me (a straight man) to find people who are interested in me compared to my wife, who is constantly talking to people on Feeld.
Unfortunately I don't think there's an easy answer other than to just keep trying, and to accept I won't be meeting as many people as her - but if anyone has advice I'd love to hear it. After taking like 5 years off from dating I'd forgotten how much I dislike it..
I also have a friend I'd be interested in starting a FWB thing with, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject and have no idea if she'd be interested in me like that.
Unfortunately I don't think there's an easy answer other than to just keep trying, and to accept I won't be meeting as many people as her - but if anyone has advice I'd love to hear it. After taking like 5 years off from dating I'd forgotten how much I dislike it..
I also have a friend I'd be interested in starting a FWB thing with, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject and have no idea if she'd be interested in me like that.
Most of my poly friends are bi woman and straight men and this is a pretty common 'problem' it usually works itself out as you fall into the poly community.
My wife has talked about dabbling in non-monogamy and I'm not very possessive so I don't have any issues with it other than I'm pretty sure she'll be out all the time and I'll be home, lol.
Hmmm - In my experience, it tends to even out at some point. Women often have it easier finding people to talk to - But if we're honest, most men are of a... lesser quality than most women? So it can still be hard to find people to actually do anything with. Plus, the experience is often way more dangerous for women and they have to be twice as picky than you'd have to be...
Once you find your poly "community" it's often easier as well, as you start meeting people through people.
As for your friend - depends on the type of friendship you have, and how deep it is. You'd have to put it on the table and accept that you might get a no, and there might be repercussions to the friendship from that no.
IMO, when it comes to friends - you should either leave it alone, or be totally honest about it and openly talk about what you'd want - I mean, a FWB thing means that it has to also work as a friendship, so might as well talk about it on a friendly level.
Good luck! :)
Hey sorry for the bump, and this long ass post. I'm not even fully sure if this counts but my girlfriend seemingly just allowed me to open my share of the relationship to a sexual partner and I'm completely out of my league on the topic.
Here's some background to understand the situation. I grew up and went to Catholic school with a mom who wasn't very secretive about her own sexual nature. The topic of sex was always sort of taboo to even talk about but by the time I was 14-15 I knew full well what she was up to herself. Having said all of that we were poor growing up so I lost most of my friend group in my early teens, fell into a crippling depression and eventually gained 325 pounds over the next 20 years until I was 35. I had gastric bypass a few years ago after hating my life I had eventually spiraled so bad that I just stopped talking to people and hid in my room in my parents house never getting to have a relationship or even have sex until I was 35.
In 2020 two years after my gastric bypass I had lost about 130 pounds and was starting to like myself and felt it was time to start checking those apps out I had always heard about. I really struggled to even carry more than a conversation with people because I wasn't used to this world of dating and how it worked but all I was really looking for at the time was just some fun that I never got to have previously. I didn't really understand hooking up and just keeping things to that so I accidentally stumbled from 1 relationship I probably wasn't fully prepared for directly into my current relationship with absolutely nobody between the two.
My girlfriend knew about my stunted growth in that department and she knew how badly the relationship before ours was from what I had told her. I posted previously in the dating thread on this topic but in about June of this year I found out that someone that's still close to her and our friend circle used to be somebody she hooked up with regularly and I had known about it previously but she shed some new light on the situation that just instantly flipped a jealousy switch and caused me to freak out. Again I was new to this situation and once we sat down and talked about what I was feeling she told me it's absolutely natural and to not be worried. Part of my freak out came from a very deep sense of jealousy that she was open and free enough in life to be sexually adventurous in her younger days and she's glad she was because she knows what she likes now and I never got that really.
Our life got even better afterwards when I was able to ease up about normal natural things in relationships like that. A few weeks ago one of my closest oldest friends passed away incredibly suddenly and the last month has been mostly a blur of emotions and a very shitty attitude in general. We had some of her friends over a few days after the death for her brothers birthday and throughout the night the topic of sex came up multiple times across the group, mostly picking on who people slept with and such. A few days after that the topic of the friend in our circle cropped up again with some more new info I had not had previously and the stress of losing my friend and already being in a dark place just instantly made me lose it again. I did a lot of thinking about why I feel this way and eventually it came down to I'm a very sexual person who never got to have that kind of fun or discover things I may or may not like. There's also been a few issues in our personal sex life that were slightly causing feelings of it being a 1 sided affair with my girlfriend basically getting the vanilla sex she wants before bed with various promises to return to the kink talk later and then never doing so. With everything else going on I was in a bad place and she knew it but with everything else going on it made sense to her.
I was incredibly scared to share with her what I had been ruminating on for the last few days because I was scared of how she'd take hearing something like that. We talked in the beginning that if it was open it would be open from the beginning but we didn't open it at the beginning so I assumed what she would say and that scared me even more because I didn't want to lose her over the dumb thoughts and feelings in my head. When she finally made me sit down and tell her what was up I basically told her everything. She knew my history, how bad my ex was, and that things between us were incredible and kept trying to reassure me how normal it was to feel that way. She cracked jokes and apologized for her "slut" phase and then without even promoting or trying to steer the conversation in that direction she straight looked at me and said "if you want to fuck other chicks that's fine, can I help" and I was completely stunned. She told me she knew how serious we were and it wasn't like I was trying to spice things up or save the relationship, she respected that I talked to her about my feelings and didn't just cheat on her.
This is still a very new idea to me and it's not some guarantee of something I plan to follow through with anytime soon but hearing and knowing she's willing to emotionally deal with something like that for my benefit because I can't seem to get over those feelings of missing out is just absolutely crazy to me. I never in a million years expected to have anything come out of that conversation other than a break up or at the least very seriously messing with my girls head with those thoughts and ideas of me wanting to be with another woman. I've just been looking at her and wondering why she actually likes me and continuously doubting how real our love actually is because it's just such a new feeling to me.
We have already established a few "rules" for if it does happen and I fully respect them. I won't dip into our friends or friends of friends circle just to keep things unmessy, she is willing to help me with profiles on an app (suggestions for apps or key phrases for profiles would help). And the only other thing she mentioned was having a conversation before I do anything and a conversation after to see how I am with it. I think these are totally reasonable but I'm also willing to read more information on setting safe boundaries and things in case it's something that ever does develop into something.
Here's some background to understand the situation. I grew up and went to Catholic school with a mom who wasn't very secretive about her own sexual nature. The topic of sex was always sort of taboo to even talk about but by the time I was 14-15 I knew full well what she was up to herself. Having said all of that we were poor growing up so I lost most of my friend group in my early teens, fell into a crippling depression and eventually gained 325 pounds over the next 20 years until I was 35. I had gastric bypass a few years ago after hating my life I had eventually spiraled so bad that I just stopped talking to people and hid in my room in my parents house never getting to have a relationship or even have sex until I was 35.
In 2020 two years after my gastric bypass I had lost about 130 pounds and was starting to like myself and felt it was time to start checking those apps out I had always heard about. I really struggled to even carry more than a conversation with people because I wasn't used to this world of dating and how it worked but all I was really looking for at the time was just some fun that I never got to have previously. I didn't really understand hooking up and just keeping things to that so I accidentally stumbled from 1 relationship I probably wasn't fully prepared for directly into my current relationship with absolutely nobody between the two.
My girlfriend knew about my stunted growth in that department and she knew how badly the relationship before ours was from what I had told her. I posted previously in the dating thread on this topic but in about June of this year I found out that someone that's still close to her and our friend circle used to be somebody she hooked up with regularly and I had known about it previously but she shed some new light on the situation that just instantly flipped a jealousy switch and caused me to freak out. Again I was new to this situation and once we sat down and talked about what I was feeling she told me it's absolutely natural and to not be worried. Part of my freak out came from a very deep sense of jealousy that she was open and free enough in life to be sexually adventurous in her younger days and she's glad she was because she knows what she likes now and I never got that really.
Our life got even better afterwards when I was able to ease up about normal natural things in relationships like that. A few weeks ago one of my closest oldest friends passed away incredibly suddenly and the last month has been mostly a blur of emotions and a very shitty attitude in general. We had some of her friends over a few days after the death for her brothers birthday and throughout the night the topic of sex came up multiple times across the group, mostly picking on who people slept with and such. A few days after that the topic of the friend in our circle cropped up again with some more new info I had not had previously and the stress of losing my friend and already being in a dark place just instantly made me lose it again. I did a lot of thinking about why I feel this way and eventually it came down to I'm a very sexual person who never got to have that kind of fun or discover things I may or may not like. There's also been a few issues in our personal sex life that were slightly causing feelings of it being a 1 sided affair with my girlfriend basically getting the vanilla sex she wants before bed with various promises to return to the kink talk later and then never doing so. With everything else going on I was in a bad place and she knew it but with everything else going on it made sense to her.
I was incredibly scared to share with her what I had been ruminating on for the last few days because I was scared of how she'd take hearing something like that. We talked in the beginning that if it was open it would be open from the beginning but we didn't open it at the beginning so I assumed what she would say and that scared me even more because I didn't want to lose her over the dumb thoughts and feelings in my head. When she finally made me sit down and tell her what was up I basically told her everything. She knew my history, how bad my ex was, and that things between us were incredible and kept trying to reassure me how normal it was to feel that way. She cracked jokes and apologized for her "slut" phase and then without even promoting or trying to steer the conversation in that direction she straight looked at me and said "if you want to fuck other chicks that's fine, can I help" and I was completely stunned. She told me she knew how serious we were and it wasn't like I was trying to spice things up or save the relationship, she respected that I talked to her about my feelings and didn't just cheat on her.
This is still a very new idea to me and it's not some guarantee of something I plan to follow through with anytime soon but hearing and knowing she's willing to emotionally deal with something like that for my benefit because I can't seem to get over those feelings of missing out is just absolutely crazy to me. I never in a million years expected to have anything come out of that conversation other than a break up or at the least very seriously messing with my girls head with those thoughts and ideas of me wanting to be with another woman. I've just been looking at her and wondering why she actually likes me and continuously doubting how real our love actually is because it's just such a new feeling to me.
We have already established a few "rules" for if it does happen and I fully respect them. I won't dip into our friends or friends of friends circle just to keep things unmessy, she is willing to help me with profiles on an app (suggestions for apps or key phrases for profiles would help). And the only other thing she mentioned was having a conversation before I do anything and a conversation after to see how I am with it. I think these are totally reasonable but I'm also willing to read more information on setting safe boundaries and things in case it's something that ever does develop into something.
So glad it worked out for you! It's really an incredible feeling to pour your full self to someone you love and have them just... accept it. And want to help.
I recently broke up with my gf of 6 months partly because I've tried monogamy so many times and the jealousy thing kills me (specifically, they ALWAYS get incredibly jealous. I realized I am most content around people who share the same values of sex and love that I do. I want to be able to tell my partner about crushes. I want to be able to flirt. And I want my partner to also have these experiences. I'm hoping to make poly and open relationships more of a priority when dating someone.
Thanks, she had previous experiences with threesomes and she was always down to have one, things have just been so busy that planning it around everything sucks. She points out girls she thinks are hot when we're out doing things and weirdly enough we have the same taste in woman, something we have joked about a lot before. But yes, getting all of that out of my system finally after basically bottling it up for 22 years felt insanely relieving and then her response just immediately threw me for a loop.