Nintendo Has No Games, or The Darkest Timeline We Are Living Through:
- December 10th, 2019: Nintendo gives a spotlight to indie developers, who've found great success on Switch. Particularly noteworthy are announcements of sequels to critically acclaimed indie games, coming to Switch first in 2020: Axiom Verge 2 and Sports Story. Fears mount that Nintendo is doomed.
- December 13th, 2019: in a move that confuses, saddens and infuriates fans everywhere, Nintendo confirms a new third-party exclusive for Switch in 2020 (Bravely Default 2) and gives the spotlight to another third-party exclusive, No More Heroes 3, the next entry in a cult classic series. Michael Pachter announces that he believes Nintendo is doomed.
- Nintendo don't announce anything during the festive season, globally. On holiday in the jungles of Samoa, a recently-retired Reggie Fils-Aime allows himself a moment of silent grief, and resolves to head off the beaten path. Reggie is never seen again. In later years, Samoan tribes will tell tales of a mysterious, powerful entity deep within the mountains of the Saruwaged Range, whose body is said to always be ready. Nintendo is definitely doomed.
- January 9th, 2020: Nintendo and Game Freak confirm that a remake of the first Pokemon Mystery Dungeon titles will launch in March 2020, further demonstrating that Nintendo have no plans to launch games in 2020 - especially because a new entry in the highly popular Animal Crossing series will also launch in that same month, developed by Nintendo EPD, one of the finest game development houses in the world. Furthermore, Nintendo and Game Freak move to a slightly less questionable business model for their repeatedly globally popular franchise Pokemon, by confirming two significant expansions for 2020 and an end to iterative, full-price 'third versions'. Riots break out in major cities. Satoru Shibata gathers his various costumes together, reminisces about happier times of frequent Directs padded with nonsense filler, an absence of third-party support and low-quality Nintendo titles such as Amiibo Festival, and heads deep into the Samoan jungle to find Reggie. Given Nintendo are now announcing expansions and remakes rather than games, we can see that Nintendo is indeed doomed.
- January 16th, 2020: In a highly questionable and bizarre move, Super Smash Bros series director and long-time Fire Emblem fan Masahiro Sakurai confirms that the latest character joining Nintendo's best-selling Super Smash Bros Ultimate is Byleth, from the Fire Emblem franchise (a series which has recently become rejuvenated). Sakurai further confirms even more expansion content for Smash Ultimate - six fighters will launch by December 2021, demonstrating an alarming commitment to long-term support from Nintendo for their critically-acclaimed, best-selling fighting game. As the Direct finishes, Nintendo show a brief trailer that confirms the story expansion for the critically acclaimed, fastest-selling Fire Emblem yet (Fire Emblem: Three Houses) will launch in February 2020, meaning that some sort of Nintendo content is planned for each month of the opening calendar quarter of the year. Nintendo are so deeply, sadly doomed.
These alarming developments result in the Earth's magnetic field being bombarded by particles from outer space. Unbeknownst to much of the human race, the sorely-missed and much-loved Satoru Iwata, now a celestial being living in a higher place of existence where his mad coding abilities and sharp three piece suits are properly appreciated, uses his great powers to commune with Switch owners around the world. The global aurora generated by Iwata's spirit particles is interpreted by the uninitiated as a fancy light-show, but this worldwide aurora is something else entirely.
The 50 million Switch owners see the global aurora - but they also hear something, deep within their soul:
"Please understand".
And they do understand. One by one 50 million Switch owners understand and they head to the coast. One by one 50 million Switch owners fling their Switch consoles into the sea, praying that the oceanic depths will destory these consoles; this machine that has no support in 2020. The news that Nintendo will offer expansions for their most beloved and popular games, that the brains behind popular and beloved games like Axiom Verge and Golf Story will launch their sequels on Switch, the news that third-party exclusives Bravely Default 2 and No More Heroes 3 will launch on Switch in 2020, the March launch of the highly popular, EPD-developed Animal Crossing is understood as the One True News:
There are no games in 2020. Switch support is worse than Wii U support. We are in the Darkest Timeline. Nintendo is doomed. We understand.
February 6th, 2020: 50 million Switch consoles come to rest at the bottom of the ocean. Nintendo broadcast a Nintendo Direct.
