My girlfriend broke off a 6 year long relationship... I am very mentally ill and not sure how I can handle it.

[Qwark]

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but it really sounds like she was looking for a way to end it.

Sorry, OP, I know you don't want to hear "it gets better", but it will. Just try to keep yourself busy, try creating something new: art, writing, music, whatever, just start and focus on that.

And it really would help to meet different people, but I'm not sure how to do that in your case. For me, I would like an intramural sport, like kickball, but it sounds like that might be out of the question for you. There must be some kind of group activity in your area.

I would just really avoid letting her be a crutch, even if she does come back and wants to be "friends", you need more support than that.

Cheers, it'll get better.

 

[Lord Fagan]

But I am getting therapy, I've said like 3 times in this thread I have an appointment in a few hours. I just want some support from people

Click to shrink...

Well, I'm sorry man. I didn't catch that and between me reading the first bit of this thread, the responses in between, followed by my suggestion. If you've repeated yourself, I apologize.

I fully support you continuing the therapy because it's likely to be the best thing for you.

Best of luck, OP.

 

[Fliesen]

I have never heard this, thank you for that. It's hard to believe it will hurt less but I am hoping it will.

Click to shrink...

I think the metaphor actually describes the inverse:

It won't hurt less - but you'll feel the pain less often.

And from my experience, this holds very true. Even after months / years there might be moments where you're thinking back and you'll still feel the pain (it's not like you'll ever be like "... meh, who cares") but those moments occur less and less frequently.

 

[Djkhaled]

Well, I'm sorry man. I didn't catch that and between me reading the first bit of this thread, the responses in between, followed by my suggestion. If you've repeated yourself, I apologize.

I fully support you continuing the therapy because it's likely to be the best thing for you.

Best of luck, OP.

Click to shrink...

Sorry if i came off like a dick, but people acting like im a horrible person for "cheating" when they dont know the full story mixed with how panicky I am right now is making me edgy... I am really sorry if I was rude. I know you had good intentions.

 

[Dreams-Visions]

I think the metaphor actually describes the inverse:

It won't hurt less - but you'll feel the pain less often.

And from my experience, this holds very true. Even after months / years there might be moments where you're thinking back and you'll still feel the pain (it's not like you'll ever be like "... meh, who cares") but those moments occur less and less frequently.

Click to shrink...

I disagree. Over time it should both hurt less and you should feel pain less often. Especially if you've moved onto a new relationship (and over time when you're ready, I'd certainly hope you would).

Something is wrong if years later you can still feel the pain of an ancient breakup as if it happened recently. It should not hold that much sway unless you broke up with Scarlett Johannson or something.

 

[jb1234]

I don't have BPD but I am autistic and have abandonment issues so I know how strong the emotions can be with rejection. I don't have any advice but wish you the best. Just take it a day at a time

 

[Deleted member 21339]

oh 100%, i lived my life through her. I am so dependant on her

Click to shrink...

Think about the kind of pressure that puts on someone else. Would you want someone else putting all their happiness on you?

 

[Djkhaled]

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but it really sounds like she was looking for a way to end it.

Sorry, OP, I know you don't want to hear "it gets better", but it will. Just try to keep yourself busy, try creating something new: art, writing, music, whatever, just start and focus on that.

And it really would help to meet different people, but I'm not sure how to do that in your case. For me, I would like an intramural sport, like kickball, but it sounds like that might be out of the question for you. There must be some kind of group activity in your area.

I would just really avoid letting her be a crutch, even if she does come back and wants to be "friends", you need more support than that.

Cheers, it'll get better.

Click to shrink...

Well here's the thing, she has lived with me for 6 years, never paid rent, internet, anything like that, it was all paid for by me. She has no where to go, so even though she dumped me yesterday, due to my fear of abandonment I asked her to continue living with me, she still is texting me love you when she went to work this morning, still sleeping in my bed, giving me hugs and kisses, I am still paying rent.... but we are broken up.... I feel like she is using me but I am so afraid of being alone that I don't want to say anything to her. I didn't include this in the OP because it makes me look way more pathetic and like a push over

 

[Fliesen]

I disagree. Over time it should both hurt less and you should feel pain less often. Especially if you've moved onto a new relationship (and over time when you're ready, I'd certainly hope you would).

Something is wrong if years later you can still feel the pain of an ancient breakup as if it happened recently. It should not hold that much sway unless you broke up with Scarlett Johannson or something.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, it certainly won't sting as bad - you're right.
But i think the main difference is definitely going to be the frequency.

 

[Dreams-Visions]

Be sure to discuss all of this at your upcoming therapy session.

I expect they will have superior (but similar) advice to what has been offered here.

 

[Lord Fagan]

That's fair, OP.

To be honest, that's why I'm such a proponent of turning to professionals in these times of emotional crises.

The best thing about therapists is the private environment they provide. It's a safe place to be vulnerable, and have full attention and benefit of sound qualifications to speak on these very personal, painful problems. Civilians are a real mixed bag in this situation regardless of their intentions, and confusion can often lead to misunderstanding. Your interactions with me right now are a perfect example.

I don't know what I don't know, but since I do genuinely hope that you and everybody should get help when they're hurting, I go to therapy as a boilerplate response. As has been mentioned in this thread already, it's not often said enough that there are people who devote their lives to helping folks out with mental health and recommending it regularly helps break the inane stigma attached to getting professional services like those.

Thankfully, you're well past that barrier and you're all the better off for it.

 

[Qwark]

Well here's the thing, she has lived with me for 6 years, never paid rent, internet, anything like that, it was all paid for by me. She has no where to go, so even though she dumped me yesterday, due to my fear of abandonment I asked her to continue living with me, she still is texting me love you when she went to work this morning, still sleeping in my bed, giving me hugs and kisses, I am still paying rent.... but we are broken up.... I feel like she is using me but I am so afraid of being alone that I don't want to say anything to her. I didn't include this in the OP because it makes me look way more pathetic and like a push over

Click to shrink...

Uffda, sorry. That's going to make things really tough. I get it and I don't think you're pathetic, but it's going to be really hard to move on with her there all the time. I honestly don't know how I would be able to process things with her there.

 

[Deleted member 48897]

people acting like im a horrible person for "cheating"

Click to shrink...

Honestly I would read your GF's actions as her trying to find any reason to get out of the relationship. I won't say what you did is wrong; I think the relationship was not going to last based on what you've said.

 

[Moogle]

If you want to feel and do better then stop the exaggerations and half-truths and talk to a professional about your issues.

 

[I Don't Like]

Any advice is kind of moot because you're still living together. I can't put myself in your shoes because I've never depended on a gf emotionally like that but I have worried about being alone after a breakup so to a certain extent I can appreciate that.

There's just no getting around it though: you won't start recovering from this until she's gone. The fact she broke up without any plan to move out is pretty ridiculous. I assume she does have somewhere she can go but it doesn't sound like you're going to kick her out, so until that happens, and as I said, I don't see how any advice here is much help. She doesn't want to be with you but you don't want her to leave. You're dragging the inevitable out and that's a bad thing but I understand when you're in the position it's much harder to make the difficult choices.

 

[FirMatt]

Umm

Sounds like this breakup is a positive development, to be honest

Click to shrink...

Are you certain that your partner didn't also have BPD or Narcissistic PD? Sounds like there was a lot of projecting going on.

I lived with a lover for three years, and it turned out that she had been both of the above. She did a VERY good job of convincing me that she was perfect and that I was the one riddled with dirorders though. Took some de-programming (think of this like escaping a two-member cult), but you CAN get past this.

 

[CatAssTrophy]

Well here's the thing, she has lived with me for 6 years, never paid rent, internet, anything like that, it was all paid for by me. She has no where to go, so even though she dumped me yesterday, due to my fear of abandonment I asked her to continue living with me, she still is texting me love you when she went to work this morning, still sleeping in my bed, giving me hugs and kisses, I am still paying rent.... but we are broken up.... I feel like she is using me but I am so afraid of being alone that I don't want to say anything to her. I didn't include this in the OP because it makes me look way more pathetic and like a push over

Click to shrink...

Sounds like there needs to be some boundaries, because her still treating you like a partner in these ways is her being oblivious at best, but at worst she is being manipulative and taking advantage of you.

Her still doing these things, especially sleeping in the bed with you, is just going to draw out the break up longer and cause more pain, grief, and confusion for you. I'd see about changing the sleeping arrangements and ask her to no longer kiss you or say she loves you if she broke up with you. Living together is going to make your grieving process a lot more complicated too, so there should be a plan/deadline in place for her finding her own place to live too, IMO.

(this is all based on the assumption that the breakup is final)

 

[Djkhaled]

Honestly I would read your GF's actions as her trying to find any reason to get out of the relationship. I won't say what you did is wrong; I think the relationship was not going to last based on what you've said.

Click to shrink...

Oh it definitely had an expiry date, I even said that to my girlfriend a while ago that I feel like there's an expiry date on the relationship, I guess I found out I was right

 

[Djkhaled]

Are you certain that your partner didn't also have BPD or Narcissistic PD? Sounds like there was a lot of projecting going on.

I lived with a lover for three years, and it turned out that she had been both of the above. She did a VERY good job of convincing me that she was perfect and that I was the one riddled with dirorders though. Took some de-programming (think of this like escaping a two-member cult), but you CAN get past this.

Click to shrink...

Oh I am 100% certain she has some personality disorder, narcissistic sums it up, really, I am constantly told how my problems affect her but if I bring up how she affects me she gets angry.

 

[Djkhaled]

If you want to feel and do better then stop the exaggerations and half-truths and talk to a professional about your issues.

Click to shrink...

what exaggerations and half-truths? you mind actually elaborating? because there's nothing I have exaggerated or told a half truth. plus I literally have said 5 times I am seeing a professional.

 

[Deleted member 56580]

yeah this is what happened, there is more to it than that, my girlfriend had told me she was gay and we hadn't had any sexual contact in 3 months and she told me we could have an open relationship "starting next week", so I thought it was okay to talk to a girl on tinder. but apparently i started too early

Click to shrink...

So huh

Its actually not your fault in the slightest ?

Let me put this up in another way : what if she actually isn't and is dating someone else of the same sex than you ? would you really call her your life partner if so ?

I sincerely hope you'll allow yourself to feel all the pain and the loneliness. Don't isolate yourself op and please keep your chin up

However, do detach from her

edit : ill read all the other posts next time before suggesting to take a walk -_- i am sorry

 

[xolsec]

That happened to me a long time ago, the GF ended a 9 year relationship it a very bitchy way and I felt devastated and not knowing how I would go on.

In the long run that was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I focused on myself, ended up on a meditation group that was an awesome experience, adopted the Paleo diet and exercised.

funny enough, my career skyrocketed after doing all that and I'm doing better now. Just hang on and focus on you and only you for the moment and enjoy the ride.

 

[Mr. Snuffleupagus]

Please let this person go. If she feels that she is gay, whether she is or not, let her find this out for herself without interference.

Don't want to piss off your other half? Don't have Tinder/Grindr on your phone (unless previously discussed)

And if your other half is a teenager, don't propose to them; that's crazy early.

 

[data]

Can we just support OP in his time of need. He's not painting himself as the good guy or anything, he's just hurting and turning to Era for emotional support.

Click to shrink...

While I think thats a good idea, I don't think this is the approriate place to confide things like this or get advice from especially since OP has a mental illness. I think it would be better if they stuck to confiding with their therapist, who would be more specialized. If they put it out there like this, it opens them to criticism as sometimes they do not tell the whole story

 

[Djkhaled]

Please let this person go. If she feels that she is gay, whether she is or not, let her find this out for herself without interference.

Don't want to piss off your other half? Don't have Tinder/Grindr on your phone (unless previously discussed)

And if your other half is a teenager, don't propose to them; that's crazy early.

Click to shrink...

She was 20 and we were 4 years in to the relationship when I proposed.

 

[Indy in the Fridge]

Have you or your therapist discussed any CBT or DBT techniques to help with distress tolerance? I'm glad you are aware that your BPD means you may catastrophize things especially in times of stress. Try to put things into perspective. Relationships are tricky and mistakes are common. I'm sure you are a good person who is just in a very stressful moment.

 

[Bio]

Hi, I fucked up and combine that with other things in our relationship, we broke up. I am so unsure how I can go on, my heart is broken. She was my best and only friend, the only person I had in my life that I loved/love. I want her back and I know that's impossible, but I just feel crushed. She was/is my angel, my favourite person, but most importantly, my best friend. Someone I'd never want to be without.

I thought I'd grow old with her, now I know I wont and I just want to die. I have never felt like this. The worst feeling of it all is, after a 6 year relationship, her saying she didn't really get anything good out of it and that also when we broke up last time which lasted a week she was crying when she broke it off, this time it seems like this time she is genuinely happy we are over, meanwhile I am so sad, I am just crushed, it makes me feel super unloved that it seems like she doesn't care. She did end up crying in the end. But most of the conversation, which was not fight at all, she didn't seem to care.

I know I will get a "time heals all" response and I guess maybe it does, but I don't see it ever healing, ever. I have Borderline Personality Disorder so I am very scared and emotionally destroyed by rejection, so this isn't going well, lots of suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts, I can't be without her, I at least need her as my best friend, I have no family or friends, she is literally the only person I talk to because my parents abused me and when I got really bad mentally 6 years ago all my friends stopped speaking to me because I stopped drinking and partying. I am seeing my psych this afternoon... I just feel like my heart has been stomped on. Plus I am 26, unemployed, mentally ill, can't leave my house and on disability pension. Who in the living hell would want to ever date me?

Someone please help or something... I dunno.

Click to shrink...

If you ever need to talk/vent/just need someone to listen, absolutely feel free to hit me up. My son's mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and so I've been through a lot of relationship stuff dealing directly with that. I may not have many, or any, answers for you, but I'm here if you need to talk.

 

[LookAtMeGo]

Sorry to hear OP. Been there, it sucks. Been 3 and a bit years for me since and it still hurts sometimes. Wish you the best during this shitty ass time.

 

[Quzar]

You should really reconsider the amount of emotional dependency you have on one person, its unhealthy.

 

[Van Bur3n]

It just wasn't meant to be, but hey, there are always more fish in the sea.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

Oh I am 100% certain she has some personality disorder, narcissistic sums it up, really, I am constantly told how my problems affect her but if I bring up how she affects me she gets angry.

Click to shrink...

Have you tried couples councilling or therapy?

 

[Djkhaled]

Have you tried couples councilling or therapy?

Click to shrink...

We had a session booked for Thursday but then we broke up yesterday so I cancelled it :(

 

[iareharSon]

Definitely have to agree with others here.

Whether you get back with her or not, you're going to have to find ways to establish self-worth without doing so through other people. Dependency and/or Co-Dependency is a recipe for disaster. I know it's very easy to find "the one" and make them the focal point of your entire existence, but it's unhealthy for both you and that person.

So alongside some therapy, I would just work on yourself.

 

[Thorzilla]

OP, even though we may not be able to say much to comfort you at this time (breakups are a bitch), there's strength in numbers and we're all here for you, bro!

You have to take it one day at a time, finding small bits of happiness and comfort that drive you through the day. Love a movie, meal or song? Watch, eat and listen. Do what makes you happy right now. People have to deal with grief, loss and sorrow in their own terms to properly heal.

Also, I know it's hard but try not to be overly harsh on yourself. You will but try to be overly conscious about it as you'll slow your healing process.

Why not keep us posted on a daily basics? I know most of us would be happy to be here for you.

 

[Quinton]

1. Therapy. Posthaste.

2. Diet and exercise. It works wonders.

3. Look into jobs you can do from home. If your living situation is stable enough, you'll be able to get by on part-time gigs which will make you feel better/become more desirable whilst (hopefully) doing good for the world around you.

4. Eventually, try joining community hangout groups in your area if applicable. Pick hobbies that interest you and go from there. It's only daunting the first time, at least in my experience.

Work on yourself -> Look for outward compassion again. Has to be in this order. 26 is young. It's younger than I am and I am a not-old Quinton.

 

[Deleted member 46414]

Well here's the thing, she has lived with me for 6 years, never paid rent, internet, anything like that, it was all paid for by me. She has no where to go, so even though she dumped me yesterday, due to my fear of abandonment I asked her to continue living with me, she still is texting me love you when she went to work this morning, still sleeping in my bed, giving me hugs and kisses, I am still paying rent.... but we are broken up.... I feel like she is using me but I am so afraid of being alone that I don't want to say anything to her. I didn't include this in the OP because it makes me look way more pathetic and like a push over

Click to shrink...

In the kindest possible way I can say, have her get the fuck out...do it legally if it comes to it. She broke up with you...you owe her nothing.

 

[Dabanton]

Well here's the thing, she has lived with me for 6 years, never paid rent, internet, anything like that, it was all paid for by me. She has no where to go, so even though she dumped me yesterday, due to my fear of abandonment I asked her to continue living with me, she still is texting me love you when she went to work this morning, still sleeping in my bed, giving me hugs and kisses, I am still paying rent.... but we are broken up.... I feel like she is using me but I am so afraid of being alone that I don't want to say anything to her. I didn't include this in the OP because it makes me look way more pathetic and like a push over

Click to shrink...

Sounds like she has a nice setup.

 

[Deleted member 58401]

pretty much, she said she was gay and no longer wanted to have sex with males, but she didnt want to break up, then 3 months went by and she hadn't made up her mind on how we move forward, so she said "lets have an open relationship starting next week" But I started talking to a girl literally like 4 days before the open relationship officially started so she told me thats cheating and she broke up with me.

Click to shrink...

Huh. You've known her for a long time, obviously, but is there a chance this was the final straw for her because she did want to end it and either didn't want to be at fault or didn't want to crush you?

I am having trouble with the "I don't want to break up with you, but I'm gay and we're never having sex again" part.

 

[SuperBanana]

Well here's the thing, she has lived with me for 6 years, never paid rent, internet, anything like that, it was all paid for by me. She has no where to go, so even though she dumped me yesterday, due to my fear of abandonment I asked her to continue living with me, she still is texting me love you when she went to work this morning, still sleeping in my bed, giving me hugs and kisses, I am still paying rent.... but we are broken up.... I feel like she is using me but I am so afraid of being alone that I don't want to say anything to her. I didn't include this in the OP because it makes me look way more pathetic and like a push over

Click to shrink...

This is insanely toxic and she sounds like she's using you. She says she's gay but wants to continue the relationship. Then says it can be an open relationship but because you spoke to a girl outside of the time frame she wanted she dumped you. Now she's living with you and sending texts like "I love you" like you're in a relationship but have broken up?

Get.The.Fuck.Out.Now. Like now, right now.

 

[Jombie]

Why is some people's first inclination to dig up post history? The whole open relationship thing was just a means of phasing him out, and the relationship sounds like it was a lame duck long before that.

The Tinder thing is hardly relevant. It was just a means to an end for her.

 

[LosDaddie]

yeah this is what happened, there is more to it than that, my girlfriend had told me she was gay and we hadn't had any sexual contact in 3 months and she told me we could have an open relationship "starting next week", so I thought it was okay to talk to a girl on tinder. but apparently i started too early

Click to shrink...

Well here's the thing, she has lived with me for 6 years, never paid rent, internet, anything like that, it was all paid for by me. She has no where to go, so even though she dumped me yesterday, due to my fear of abandonment I asked her to continue living with me, she still is texting me love you when she went to work this morning, still sleeping in my bed, giving me hugs and kisses, I am still paying rent.... but we are broken up.... I feel like she is using me but I am so afraid of being alone that I don't want to say anything to her. I didn't include this in the OP because it makes me look way more pathetic and like a push over

Click to shrink...

WTF am I reading.
No sex for over 3mos....and she's sleeping in the bed with you every night? She broke up with you, but still living rent free at your place?

bruuuuhhh....
Get her out your place ASAP

 

[The Anonymous Wizard]

Hi, I fucked up and combine that with other things in our relationship, we broke up. I am so unsure how I can go on, my heart is broken. She was my best and only friend, the only person I had in my life that I loved/love. I want her back and I know that's impossible, but I just feel crushed. She was/is my angel, my favourite person, but most importantly, my best friend. Someone I'd never want to be without.

Click to shrink...

You're going to feel this way for a while, perhaps a month or two... Find a distraction, a game or series to get drawn into.gdYou're going to really appreciate sleep for the next few weeks, it's the best escape from your own mind. Many a man has gone through this exact situation, me included. It's mentally exhausting but you just gotta ride it out.

The worst feeling of it all is, after a 6 year relationship, her saying she didn't really get anything good out of it and that also when we broke up last time which lasted a week she was crying when she broke it off, this time it seems like this time she is genuinely happy we are over, meanwhile I am so sad, I am just crushed, it makes me feel super unloved that it seems like she doesn't care. She did end up crying in the end. But most of the conversation, which was not fight at all, she didn't seem to care.

Click to shrink...

This is a front, a total nonsense... She didn't stay with someone for half a decade and not want to be there. She's either trying to hurt you or lying to herself. Take some solace in the fact that this is not the case and even if she wants to leave now she clearly liked you enough to stick around for 6 years.

I know I will get a "time heals all" response and I guess maybe it does, but I don't see it ever healing, ever. I have Borderline Personality Disorder so I am very scared and emotionally destroyed by rejection, so this isn't going well, lots of suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts.

Click to shrink...

Oh, it heals, but you'll be a changed man. I went through something very similar at the same age as you. It heals but it leaves an emotional scar on your 'soul' that never really goes away. However, I feel there are some pros... As a teenager, I was totally emotionally closed off and empty... I couldn't even cry at some very important funerals. After that experience, I am far more empathetic, caring, i even cry watching films... Something I couldn't have ever imagined before. It feels good, I think that kind of trauma can really change you for the better in some way, especially for your next relationship.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I certainly believe this for heartbreak... you'll eventually bounce back as a new, better man.

Plus I am 26, unemployed, mentally ill, can't leave my house and on disability pension. Who in the living hell would want to ever date me?

Click to shrink...

You're 26, you are young! You're going to live many lives believe me... Things change... You'll doing things in a decade from now that at this point in time you would never imagine. The times they are a-changin' and you have plenty of time to rebuild yourself into a new man!

 

[How About No]

Can people please stop misgendering Khaled, she is trans/non-binary

 

[Polioliolio]

From experience, I can tell you that you will feel like shit after a breakup of a long term relationship, even if you thought the breakup was a good idea. Your brain literally needs rewiring, so that takes time, and your reality contrasting with what your brain had already set up is what causes that pain and drives you to want what you had again.

Also from experience, I'll tell you that you will move on and be happy again on different terms. The fact is, for whatever reason, it wasn't working, and you can't bear the responsibility of making it work. It takes two, and if she's over it so easily, you should be glad to be out.

Treat yourself, if you don't have friends, find new ones by joining a fun club or group that surrounds something you really like, be it gaming, tabletop gaming, or some other hobby. Maybe for the time being, go out to a new movie every week, find a family member or a friend to go with you each time, just take one person and see if they can commit to it.. Or it could be a fun thing for you to do alone. Go in knowing you'll be doing this alone, that you can just focus on the film, relax, .. again, treat yourself. In general do the things you always wanted to do but for whatever reason weren't doing while in the relationship.

Start getting fit, even if it just means committing to 30 push ups in the morning and evening. Just commit to the idea of improving. You can be better again, and the way isn't by finding some other person to pull you out of the mud, it's by making yourself strong again.


Change your passive lifestyle into an active one.Throw away the smartphone, stop wasting your free time browsing the internet. It sucks you dry, it does.

 

[Deleted member 49319]

I think right now your priority should be asking her to leave.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

Can people please stop misgendering Khaled, she is trans/non-binary

Click to shrink...

So much this! Do better Era.

 

[Disco Stu]

She was 20 and we were 4 years in to the relationship when I proposed.

Click to shrink...

So you were 22 when she was 16?

 

[Djkhaled]

So you were 22 when she was 16?

Click to shrink...

....no. How'd you figure that out? Horrible maths skills. I was 19. She's 22 now and I just turned 26

 

[Djkhaled]

Can people please stop misgendering Khaled, she is trans/non-binary

Click to shrink...

So much this! Do better Era.

Click to shrink...

Thanks :). I was letting it go because I was already being accused of lying or cheating or whatever so I just ignored it all/went along with it. I appreciate it.

 

[Adventureracing]

Sounds like your mental health is the issue here not the relationship breakdown. The way you describe your current situation it doesn't sound like you're in a position to be in a relationship. Being in what sounds like a toxic relationship won't solve those issues and if anything it sounds like it may have made things worse.

I hope things work out well for you. You're already seeking help which is great as that's often the most difficult part. Good luck on your journey.