Is flirting with a 19 year old at 28 creepy?

[LogicAirForce]

What if one is an 87-year-old Dúnedain getting together with a 2,700-year-old elf?

Click to shrink...

We're gonna need to know what the legal age of consent in Middle Earth is to accurately judge this one.


More seriously, I keep seeing people bringing up what 19 year olds should and should not be able to do as though that has any bearing at all in the conversation. The problem isn't the 19 wanting to be in a relationship with an 28 year old, they are 19 of course they are going to make poor decisions. The problem is the grown-ass, nearly-30-years-old adults who should know better not stepping away from this kind of thing. The fact that people keep trying to place the responsibility on the person just barely out of high school is a HUGE red flag.

 

[Musubi]

I say who cares.

Let other people have thier hangups if they want to you're not doing anything illegal and you're never going to win everybody's approval with anything you do in life.

If she makes you happy then she makes you happy. Live life for yourself and not anybody else's approval.

 

[Royalan]

I know you may not be specifically responding to the OP in this case but do keep in mind the OP is ace and stated there's gonna be no fucking going on.

Click to shrink...

Two things worth pointing out:

1) This is an excuse.

2) It's a bad one.

With respect to how OP identifies, emotional manipulation is a thing, and it's not always intentional. And, in a lot of cases, the ways a person (especially a young person) can be taken advantage of or emotionally compromised have not a thing to do with the act of sex. So, weaving the argument, "well, in most cases I'd find this weird but there isn't going to be any sex involved so..." I mean, what are you really saying? What are you really implying about ace individuals?

There's so much effort here to not grapple with the central question. Do you think it's ok to romantically pursue a 19-year-old as a 28-year-old? I think the answer to this is complex and it would help to actually know the two people involved, and I don't think OP is "creepy". But there is, undeniably, a power imbalance here; and no amount of "she's mature for her age," "she pursued me," "it's technically legal," "well, there's not going to be any sex," changes that.

Ultimately, I still believe what I did back on page 4. OP and this 19-year-old are technically adults and OP is going to do what they want. But they should be aware and hyper vigilant over the fact that there is a power imbalance, and not paper over that. We're talking about a 19-year-old. You can't wish or excuse it away.

 

[Hirok2099]

My dude
If you are asking if this is a strange or weird or creepy situation. The answer would be yes.

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I guess the first thing is to ask if you consider prostitution creepy or immoral

If you do then I guess age doesn't matter.

If you don't why is it creepy? is it creepy or weird that a 19 year old would find a 30 year old physically and or sexually attractive? like the 19 year old shouldn't find an older person atractive? or is it weird that a 19 year old would hire a sex worker period?

why is this the hypothetical
why would you choose this as the hypothetical

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I chose the hypothetical because in it the 19 year old has full agency of their decision. It is their money and they will choose whoever they simply find more atractive. Assuming the 19 year old was going to hire a prostitute can you tell me how sleeping with a 24 year old sexworker is any less or more morally wrong than sleeping with a 30 year old?

 

[Randomly Generated]

Wait.... so now is wrong for a consenting adult to have sex with an older person?
So... should a 19 year old not have casual sex or a one night stand with a 28 year old? is that immoral now?

What if an 19 year old hires a 30 year old prostitute (assuming they live in a place where it is legal) should they refuse their services to adults with too big of an age gap?

Click to shrink...

Weird prostitution derail aside, I'm not sure why a number of posters have stormed into the thread with this ludicrous "Oh, so a 19 year old can't date whoever they want?!" defense, when the concern being expressed is very clearly with the adult choosing to date a teenager.

 

[Culex]

I don't think it's too terribly bad. The whole adult and teenager thing is kind of a whack comparison in this case though as it's TWO adults. She's freaking 19, not 13.

Hell, i joined the army at 17 and was probably more mature than some 25 year olds. Like i'm 4 years older than my wife. She was 20 and I was 24 when we met. It's not a huge deal unless you make it one.

 

[Deleted member 70788]

Two things worth pointing out:

1) This is an excuse.

2) It's a bad one.

With respect to how OP identifies, emotional manipulation is a thing, and it's not always intentional. And, in a lot of cases, the ways a person (especially a young person) can be taken advantage of or emotionally compromised have not a thing to do with the act of sex. So, weaving the argument, "well, in most cases I'd find this weird but there isn't going to be any sex involved so..." I mean, what are you really saying? What are you really implying about ace individuals?

There's so much effort here to not grapple with the central question. Do you think it's ok to romantically pursue a 19-year-old as a 28-year-old? I think the answer to this is complex and it would help to actually know the two people involved, and I don't think OP is "creepy". But there is, undeniably, a power imbalance here; and no amount of "she's mature for her age," "she pursued me," "it's technically legal," "well, there's not going to be any sex," changes that.

Ultimately, I still believe what I did back on page 4. OP and this 19-year-old are technically adults and OP is going to do what they want. But they should be aware and hyper vigilant over the fact that there is a power imbalance, and not paper over that. We're talking about a 19-year-old. You can't wish or excuse it away.

Click to shrink...

I mostly agree with this.

To me it's not a matter "What can I do?" and not even a matter of "What should I do?", as there is no agreed upon standard of "should."

To me it's a matter of, "If we choose to pursue this, what are some considerations I should have to be most respectful of this other person and the potential realities our age difference might uncover?" Framing it this way does not imply you shouldn't enter into a relationship, nor does it imply that it's even negative, but it does mean you should want to consider some factors to make sure you are genuinely entering into a healthy relationship with this other person. If you truly want to be in a healthy relationship with this other person, this should not be seen as negative, but supportive and caring. If you immediately find yourself getting defensive at this, I would reflect on that defensiveness.

People who challenge this with "Why are you treating them like children!" are missing the point. You're wanting to enter into a relationship with someone that has very little experience as an adult. You are likely the first relationship as an adult they are entering into, while you likely have much more experience. Why would you not want to be considerate of that?

 

[Usagi]

So... should a 19 year old not have casual sex or a one night stand withat if an 19 year old hires a 30 year old prostitute (assuming they live in a place where it is legal) should they refuse their services to adults with too big of an age gap?

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Holy smokes, stop lol. You really don't read what you type before hitting that reply.

 

[Deleted member 4461]

I'd expand on this and say it's a pet peeve when someone couches their side in terms of normal vs. ERA personified, period. It's almost never a useful way to frame things. You didn't actually make an effort to accurately measure opinion, you aren't telling me the issue with an opinion being disproportionately represented here or there, you aren't explaining why having a minority opinion is suddenly some disgusting abnormality. Only thing you're doing is reaffirming your preexisting conceptions. And making the vibe a little bit worse.

Click to shrink...

Also correct.

 

[Weiss]

I mostly agree with this.

To me it's not a matter "What can I do?" and not even a matter of "What should I do?", as there is no agreed upon standard of "should."

To me it's a matter of, "If we choose to pursue this, what are some considerations I should have to be most respectful of this other person and the potential realities our age difference might uncover?" Framing it this way does not imply you shouldn't enter into a relationship, nor does it imply that it's even negative, but it does mean you should want to consider some factors to make sure you are genuinely entering into a healthy relationship with this other person. If you truly want to be in a healthy relationship with this other person, this should not be seen as negative, but supportive and caring. If you immediately find yourself getting defensive at this, I would reflect on that defensiveness.

People who challenge this with "Why are you treating them like children!" are missing the point. You're wanting to enter into a relationship with someone that has very little experience as an adult. You are likely the first relationship as an adult they are entering into, while you likely have much more experience. Why would you not want to be considerate of that?

Click to shrink...

Yeah I think this is the healthiest way to look at it. Acting like there's nothing worth questioning is wrong, but I don't think needing to question is wrong either.

 

[Usagi]

I guess the first thing is to ask if you consider prostitution creepy or immoral

If you do then I guess age doesn't matter.

If you don't why is it creepy? is it creepy or weird that a 19 year old would find a 30 year old physically and or sexually attractive? like the 19 year old shouldn't find an older person atractive? or is it weird that a 19 year old would hire a sex worker period?


I chose the hypothetical because in it the 19 year old has full agency of their decision. It is their money and they will choose whoever they simply find more atractive. Assuming the 19 year old was going to hire a prostitute can you tell me how sleeping with a 24 year old sexworker is any less or more morally wrong than sleeping with a 30 year old?

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This whataboutism is disgusting.

 

[loco]

Working in the video game industry this age difference in relationships usually stems from grooming and controlling behavior where the older more experienced individual is manipulating an eager to learn protégé.

 

[Jaaake]

Yeah, it's creepy. You are both in completely different stages of your lives. I have regularly worked with people of that age in the past and I just can't see what you'd get out of it. Take a step back and really think about it all.

Side note: my partner's best friend (30f) is dating a 17 year old male and it's actually disgusting to witness. Worst of all is that almost none of her friends have the guts to say anything about it to her face or seemingly see the issue. It may be legal but that doesn't make it right.

 

[angelgrievous]

Yeah I'm just not okay with an adult that's interested in dating a teenager that's barely entering adulthood. Sorry about that. There's a fundamental power dynamic imbalance that's just not right.


That's a gap of 11 years of life experience between two people. A baby that wouldn't have been able to talk could have been born in those 11 years and would now be entering their preteens.

I would not be okay with my child dating someone who would have had 1 year as an adult dating someone who hypothetically would have graduated college at 21 and has been 8 years into forming their career.

Click to shrink...

Its not the age difference my dude, I agree with you there. It's the thinking a 28 year old and a 19 year old couldn't possibly have anything in common , and it's the calling a 28 year old middle aged. Both of which are terrible takes.

 

[thesoapster]

Working in the video game industry this age difference in relationships usually stems from grooming and controlling behavior where the older more experienced individual is manipulating an eager to learn protégé.

Click to shrink...

I might have missed something, but is OP talking about dating within a company/job? That introduces a lot of other factors.

 

[Patsy]

To me, it's this.

Queer women in particular are kind of infamous for having difficulty expressing attraction to each other, the idea of lesbians who flirt with each other and never make a move is even a reoccurring meme in some spaces, so sometimes I think when two women realize there's some kind of mutual appeal and one of them seems like they'll be able to verbalize it, that's considered enough, even if they're not a good match for a variety of other reasons, like being in totally different phases in life.

I don't think your intentions are bad, OP, so I don't think you're a creep, but I'm willing to bet with this particular age gap there are a lot of obstacles and conflicts you're ignoring, maybe even subconsciously, because you met someone who indicates clearly that they like you who also plays games and that feels really good. Only you can really know that, of course, but I've definitely settled for people who weren't at all a good fit because it was nice to be with someone. Everyone does that sometimes, but when that person is young enough you're going to be one of their earliest relationships, the impact you'll have is larger, so potential messes can be bigger and you might regret that later.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, this is where I stand on this as well.

I think more lesbian/wlw/queer voices on this are pretty important since we know the ins & outs of situations like this more than cishets. I turned 24 in June & personally couldn't see myself ever dating anyone below 20, because I know how I was with 19 & while people also called me mature for my age since my early teens & I was full of shit & thought so as well, looking back I know what fucking bullshit that was. I grew more during my last 5 years mentally & emotionally than I did during all of my puberty before that. Solely due to various kinds of relationships & also just things that happen in life when you're an adult. People still grow a lot during their early 20s even if they don't wanna admit it. I have lots of friends who are 18-19 & the maturity between them & myself & other friends of mine more my age couldn't be more apparent tbh.

We lesbians definitely sometimes have a problem with age gaps & the utter lack of conversations about them. I've had so many friends & just girls/young women who were attracted to me confess to me & ask me out, saying how those few years absolutely aren't bad. Some were really aggressive about it as well. Even if there were way too many obstacles & other things that made it clear that we'd never work out together. A lot of them had this super unhealthy "If I can't get them, I'll never find anyone else" mentality as well.

I've personally also seen a lot of lesbian relationships with age gaps like yours end in the worst ways. From the older grooming the younger emotionally and/or sexually, over the younger realizing that their differences made them uncomfortable & the older not understanding that, to the younger flipping out after a breakup, because they didn't know how to handle a breakup & were very much still in a high school-mentality of sorts.

I'm not telling you this to keep you from dating her, because at the end of the day you two have to be okay with it & nobody else. But you should just know how messy these kind of relationships can be in our circles at times & be absolutely 100% sure that you want this & not only to just be with someone who has the same interests as you or just to be with someone to not be alone, because chances are it won't work out in the long run. I know it too well, sadly.

 

[OneTrueJack]

At your age, I'd say anyone under 20 seems weird. Maybe even 22. But you're both consenting adults. So if you both want it, I'd say go for it. Just be mindful going in of the potential pitfalls and dangers.

 

[zMiiChy-]

It's not the age gap per SE - but that 19 years olds are typically fresh out of high school or in college, lacking in adult life experiences, and 'barely legal'

I don't think the ace part really makes it any less problematic, coming from someone who spent years in a relationship with a guy and no sex(I wanted sex but it caused me pain, but I couldn't afford a gynecologist so we just stopped)

 

[DirtyLarry]

To each their own ultimately and who am I to judge.
However since you asked, I would personally feel like a creep as my own journey in this thing called life revealed a massive difference in the life experience of a 19 year old compared to a 29 year old.
I damn near was an entirely different person at the end of that decade between the two ages.
Perhaps it is different for you and you do not feel like much has changed in your own life and you can easily relate to a 19 year old.
I have no idea as I have not lived your life.

 

[Stencil]

19 year old with a 28 year old.
18 year old with a 27 year old.
17 year old with a 26 year old.

Should I keep going? It's kind of obvious that a couple years in your life at the age of late highschool/college don't really make a difference. As in, a 16/17 year old has essentially the same life experience (read: hardly any at all) as a 18/19 year old. I'm echoing a lot of people in here in saying, it's about life-stages. The problem here isn't that "it's legal!" but that a 28 year old entertaining a relationship with someone at that phase in their life is... Well, creepy.

 

[Irishmantis]

19 year old with a 28 year old.
18 year old with a 27 year old.
17 year old with a 26 year old.

Should I keep going? It's kind of obvious that a couple years in your life at the age of late highschool/college don't really make a difference. As in, a 16/17 year old has essentially the same life experience (read: hardly any at all) as a 18/19 year old. I'm echoing a lot of people in here in saying, it's about life-stages. The problem here isn't that "it's legal!" but that a 28 year old entertaining a relationship with someone at that phase in their life is... Well, creepy.

Click to shrink...

I mean I'm not saying it's not creepy but I don't think simply justified with a -1 formula

if a 24 yo was in a relationship with a 20 yo that obviously doesn't sound bad but if ya keep -1 it be eventually an 18 yo with a 14 yo which sounds terrible

you have to factor things like puberty and maturity, which a 19 yo wouldn't fully mature yet but they are on the doorstep of adulthood at least

 

[Tounsi_Tag]

It's not so much about the age difference as it is about the difference in phases. Late twenies and 19 are completely opposite to each other in terms of life lessons, expectations and maturity ( even if one seems mature for their age).

It's why a 28 year old dating a 38 year old is different to 28 to 18 for example, despite the same gap.

 

[Stencil]

I mean I'm not saying it's not creepy but I don't think simply justified with a -1 formula

if a 24 yo was in a relationship a 20 yo that obviously doesn't sound bad but if ya keep -1 it be eventually an 18 yo with a 14 yo which sounds terrible

Click to shrink...

My point is that it's really only a problem with that particular phase of life. 23 and a 32 year old? Sure. 40 and a 49 year old? Who cares. It only really makes a difference when that 9 year gap bridges into that formative period of crossing into adulthood. There's obviously no hard-stop, where you suddenly evolve, but in that formative phase of ~18-22, it's questionable when you're 9 years their senior.

 

[Irishmantis]

My point is that it's really only a problem with that particular phase of life. 23 and a 32 year old? Sure. 40 and a 49 year old? Who cares. It only really makes a difference when that 9 year gap bridges into that formative period of crossing into adulthood. There's obviously no hard-stop, where you suddenly evolve, but in that formative phase of ~18-22, it's questionable when you're 9 years their senior.

Click to shrink...

My point is that it's really only a problem with that particular phase of life. 23 and a 32 year old? Sure. 40 and a 49 year old? Who cares. It only really makes a difference when that 9 year gap bridges into that formative period of crossing into adulthood. There's obviously no hard-stop, where you suddenly evolve, but in that formative phase of ~18-22, it's questionable when you're 9 years their senior.

Click to shrink...

Yeah for sure I agree

all I know is it be very unlikely both will stick in the long term and they will likely both regret it when they notice how different they over time

I'd personally tell any late teen/ young 20s to completely avoid relationships and enjoy life before settling down

 

[lexony]

Two things worth pointing out:

1) This is an excuse.

2) It's a bad one.

With respect to how OP identifies, emotional manipulation is a thing, and it's not always intentional. And, in a lot of cases, the ways a person (especially a young person) can be taken advantage of or emotionally compromised have not a thing to do with the act of sex. So, weaving the argument, "well, in most cases I'd find this weird but there isn't going to be any sex involved so..." I mean, what are you really saying? What are you really implying about ace individuals?

There's so much effort here to not grapple with the central question. Do you think it's ok to romantically pursue a 19-year-old as a 28-year-old? I think the answer to this is complex and it would help to actually know the two people involved, and I don't think OP is "creepy". But there is, undeniably, a power imbalance here; and no amount of "she's mature for her age," "she pursued me," "it's technically legal," "well, there's not going to be any sex," changes that.

Ultimately, I still believe what I did back on page 4. OP and this 19-year-old are technically adults and OP is going to do what they want. But they should be aware and hyper vigilant over the fact that there is a power imbalance, and not paper over that. We're talking about a 19-year-old. You can't wish or excuse it away.

Click to shrink...

Yes that is definitely true. Age gaps make power imbalance much more likely. Especially for example if the older person is a teacher, has a lot of money or a house etc. Young people can more easily be manipulated.

But while I think most relationships with a big age gap would not work out, context and the actual persons involved matter a lot. I wouldn't call it creepy, but definitely weird without knowing much about.

What I just don't understand is how some posters act like anyone under 25 is not a real adult. This straight up just reminds me when boomers say that young people like Greta Thunberg can't have a political opinion because she dosen't understand how the world works or whatever

I feel people here have a very disturbing view on young people because they only seem to know zoomer in their late teens to 25 from anecdotes or statistics over the internet and think they all only play Fortnite.

Or TLDR: some of you here act like really old people complaining about the youth of today.

 

[Bee.Cups]

I might have missed something, but is OP talking about dating within a company/job? That introduces a lot of other factors.

Click to shrink...

We met online, will probably never meet in person. We do not work for the same company.

 

[SubvertedTrope]

You were groomed by your husband. I mean, I'm happy that you're living a happy life and that you're an anomaly because you're not emotionally traumatised but let's not try to sugarcoat a predatory life story.

Click to shrink...

Lord Jesus in the sky, smite this motherfucker.

Mansplaining someone else's own life, are men ever not self absorbed idiots.

 

[Siggy-P]

I don't see how this matters. Coples with the same religious beliefs are most likely to succeed and guaranteed to have less friction in their marriage. Yet I doubt anyone here would use statistics to try to dissuade a person from dating someone from a different religious background.

As long as they're aware of the risks they should be able to try.


Wait.... so now is wrong for a consenting adult to have sex with an older person?
So... should a 19 year old not have casual sex or a one night stand with a 28 year old? is that immoral now?

What if an 19 year old hires a 30 year old prostitute (assuming they live in a place where it is legal) should they refuse their services to adults with too big of an age gap?

Click to shrink...

I think the biggest proof of how creepy these sort of age gaps are is shown more times than it really should in this thread; with how easily people who support a 30 year old dating a 19 year old can be pushed into making a post like the above.

 

[Irishmantis]

Lord Jesus in the sky, smite this motherfucker.

Mansplaining someone else's own life, are men ever not self absorbed idiots.

Click to shrink...

At least he's banned if that's any relief lol

 

[Pyrrhic Victory]

Prude Resetera never fails and is always funny. No one said anything about a relationship or marrying. They can do whatever they want.

 

[Lunar Wolf]

OP, pursue a relationship that could make you happy.

or

Get the approval of the 43% of Era who might think you're a creep, without knowing anything about you or your life. A forum which has frequent threads with people trying to figure out the proper way to wipe their ass.

Click to shrink...

lmao, there is a little truth here

 

[Usagi]

Prude Resetera never fails and is always funny. No one said anything about a relationship or marrying. They can do whatever they want.

Click to shrink...

No shit, Sherlock. OP asked if it's creepy which people gave their opinions.

 

[Deleted member 224]

Prude Resetera never fails and is always funny. No one said anything about a relationship or marrying. They can do whatever they want.

Click to shrink...

Read the thread. Plenty of people have talked about that

 

[TheodoreXGolbez]

Yes

 

[Shyotl]

It's a tough thing to navigate and in all likelihood will not end well, especially for the younger party. Power dynamics alone are a huge issue. I have a 19 year old that's enamoured with me currently and I'm trying not to break their heart too badly but I might have to (this is not a brag. The situation sucks and they sprung their age on me a fair bit later into knowing them online)

 

[Pyrrhic Victory]

Read the thread. Plenty of people have talked about that

Click to shrink...

No one in the OP. Meanwhile all these people are commenting "these people must have nothing in common" like they are trying to start a household.

 

[Usagi]

No one in the OP. Meanwhile all these people are commenting "these people must have nothing in common" like they are trying to start a household.

Click to shrink...

....which people gave their opinions why they find it creepy. Christ, please read the whole thread instead of jumping to the last page.

 

[OrigamiPirate]

Reading the thread title I expected to find it creepy, but idk… context counts and reading your post it sounds pretty reasonable. Life happens, every interpersonal relationship has disparities, if you're both navigating those disparities in a way that isn't harming either of you (as it sounds) it seems ok to me? I'll note I'm a gay man and I have dated older before. YMMV.

 

[Dandy]

I dated someone who was 27 when I was 20. It was my first "serious" relationship. I eventually broke up with him because of how stupid I felt around his friends... but the real nail in the coffin was meeting his parents. It was just... humiliating. You could see it in their eyes. They were super nice and inviting, but they talked to me like I was a kid.

Oh, and 6 months later he was dating someone who was 18... so he had a type for sure.

I couldn't imagine even being friends with someone who is 19 now.

 

[MidnightCowboy]

I'm 28 years old. 🤔

 

[Deleted member 8752]

It's why a 28 year old dating a 38 year old is different to 28 to 18 for example, despite the same gap.

Click to shrink...

I agree with you there.

OP, pursue a relationship that could make you happy.

or

Get the approval of the 43% of Era who might think you're a creep, without knowing anything about you or your life. A forum which has frequent threads with people trying to figure out the proper way to wipe their ass.

Click to shrink...

I agree with this too though lol.

If the relationship goes forward and does work for both parties, I think it's against all odds. To me, it's ill advised but at the end of the day, you probably shouldn't be taking too much advice from this forum

 

[Mona]

What if a 100 years old prostitute has a 57 years old client, though

Click to shrink...

worlds oldest profession indeed

You were groomed by your husband. I mean, I'm happy that you're living a happy life and that you're an anomaly because you're not emotionally traumatised but let's not try to sugarcoat a predatory life story.

Click to shrink...

 

[zMiiChy-]

OP, pursue a relationship that could make you happy.

or

Get the approval of the 43% of Era who might think you're a creep, without knowing anything about you or your life. A forum which has frequent threads with people trying to figure out the proper way to wipe their ass.

Click to shrink...

This is a great post, but no need to shame people for having a discussion about ass-wiping lol(Which is even more important for women)

 

[caffe misto]

OP, pursue a relationship that could make you happy.

or

Get the approval of the 43% of Era who might think you're a creep, without knowing anything about you or your life. A forum which has frequent threads with people trying to figure out the proper way to wipe their ass.

Click to shrink...

Really all that needs to be said tbh.

 

[Deleted member 4461]

This is a great post, but no need to shame people for having a discussion about ass-wiping lol(Which is even more important for women)

Click to shrink...

Really all that needs to be said tbh.

Click to shrink...

Why not just ask the people in your personal lives and jobs? And let them know what you think first?

SInce it's just ERA being weird, that is. Let us know what they think.

 

[Lastbroadcast]

People here are extraordinarily judgmental.

You're both adults. If you are on the same wavelength, go for it.

 

[Laughing Banana]

Both are adults. Both can think for themselves. Both can be responsible each for their own actions. And both consent to the relationship.

No issue, as far as I'm concerned.

Why seek approval from ERA of all places.

 

[HylianMaster2020]

Depends on the situation. The world is designed 18 and you're an adult would you rather date a 66 year old?

 

[Gyro Zeppeli]

I don't understand why Era can't just be happy for people who are in wide age gap relationships that are in healthy relationships. This place has a glass half empty mindset at all times.

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

So as to the results of this thread, half of everyone you meet will think you're a creep. Take that any way you want.