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I really fucked up
- Thread starter Prolepro
- Start date
*faceplam* yeah OP...you done fucked up, just lay off the booze for a while and tend to yourself and your family, don't message her in anyway either.
One of my favorite threads from the old country.
Also lol at OP. Well at least you learned a lesson bud. It happens to the best of us, take your massive L and hold it until it makes you stronger.
Stop contacting and communicating with her OP. You've gone way past any acceptable social borders.
Oh please, there's so much self-pitying rhetoric in the OP it's almost a parody.
I agree.
I understand she's hurt, disappointed etc. but her entire reaction just seems a bit over the board.
Now I gotta admit that don't know the background story with her ex, maybe that would justify her reaction, either way to talk to all your friends about it and make them block OP without giving him a chance to position himself...
People do make mistakes, you cant take back words. OP genuinely feels remorse for what he said. That's something you should at least acknowledge. Of course she does not need to accept your apology and go back to be best buddies, but if you walk up to her month later she can at least listen and say "Thank you, but this won't change how things are between us."
Yeah you made a mistake but chill with the fuckin pity party. In the grand scheme of things this aint shit.
You misread a situation, sounds like you tried to make amends but they dont really have to listen to you if they dont want to.
Learn from your mistakes and move on. Wallowing in self pity/self flagellation doesnt help anybody and doesnt fix the situation. There just might be NO fixing of the situation. You just have to live with it and move on.
You misread a situation, sounds like you tried to make amends but they dont really have to listen to you if they dont want to.
Learn from your mistakes and move on. Wallowing in self pity/self flagellation doesnt help anybody and doesnt fix the situation. There just might be NO fixing of the situation. You just have to live with it and move on.
Yeah, can't echo this sentiment enough. Yes, you fucked up, but you fucked up in a way where that "I feel like a rapist" thought you had 100% does not apply. You acted like an asshole, whether you meant to or not.
That's that.
Done is done.
Move on from it now that you have, quite literally, moved on from it.
Now you know how inappropriate something like that line of thinking is and you will never do it again in the future with anyone else, I hope. That's it. Wait and see how time plays out from here and stop thinking about that as best you can.
As for immediate changes you can make to help with this: STOP FUCKING DRINKING! It is doing nothing for you but making things worse.
I'll echo what others have said: you gave her the impression that you wanted a quick fuck before you left. She's your close friend and it hurt her to be asked that so bluntly. Not everyone thinks of sex in such a casual way.
I think you're over-analysing it quite a bit and definitely indulging in a lot of self-pity as evidenced by how much you've written about this situation. Take a step back. Don't drink yourself into oblivion over this.
I think you're over-analysing it quite a bit and definitely indulging in a lot of self-pity as evidenced by how much you've written about this situation. Take a step back. Don't drink yourself into oblivion over this.
Since any role models you may have had growing up clearly failed you in this area of life, you need to take this as a painful learning experience and grow from it. That's all there is to it. In ten years you will look back on this and cringe and laugh.
I don't say that in judgment, either. I myself never got any guidance with girls, and said and did some awkward stuff that I think back on and cringe. But rather than wallow in it, I learned from it, and you can do the same.
I don't say that in judgment, either. I myself never got any guidance with girls, and said and did some awkward stuff that I think back on and cringe. But rather than wallow in it, I learned from it, and you can do the same.
You misread the situation, no harm, no foul.
You only fucked up when you still tried to pursue this sinking ship. Drunk dialing her and pulling up on her asking for 2 minutes ain't a good look chief. And telling her you're gonna tell her ex probably wasn't a good idea either honestly.
I've been straight edge my whole life so I can't really speak on the drinking aspect of this man but stay away from the shit it's clearly not doing you any favors. We all make mistakes in life OP. Seek some counseling if you're up for it or feel you need it and just throw all these people away. It's not as easy as it sounds but keep on breathing pal.
You only fucked up when you still tried to pursue this sinking ship. Drunk dialing her and pulling up on her asking for 2 minutes ain't a good look chief. And telling her you're gonna tell her ex probably wasn't a good idea either honestly.
I've been straight edge my whole life so I can't really speak on the drinking aspect of this man but stay away from the shit it's clearly not doing you any favors. We all make mistakes in life OP. Seek some counseling if you're up for it or feel you need it and just throw all these people away. It's not as easy as it sounds but keep on breathing pal.
You fucked up, very much so. In fact, you likely caused this girl some sort of emotional/mental damage she'll have to work through because of you and that's that the harsh reality of this situation.
You aren't gonna repair this. This isn't salvageable and more importantly, this isn't something that you can twist to make yourself look better or make us feel bad for you. In fact, I assume there's some sort of things you probably left out from all of this that may or may not make you look worse but that's just me theorizing, I could absolutely be wrong.
You need to delete her number. You need to work through your issues. No, this isn't the end of the world for you. It's the end of this chapter with those people in your life. You fucked up with her and all the other people who blocked you because of what you did. You can either go through therapy and trying to figure out how to be better because that's what you need to be, better or you can just walk away and figure things out on your own.
You already proven you can't control your tendencies, block her number or delete her number like I and everyone else have already stated. And, for the love of god, do not show up to this woman's house. You don't need to be arrested and she doesn't need to be scarred anymore than she's already been scarred. She deserves better and you need to be better.
She isn't the only women in the world. She isn't "the one" for you and you need to push forward so you can meet new people. On top of that, don't ever be there for a woman emotionally if you're only there to try and have sex with her. If that's your end goal, you're better off leaving the damn girl alone no matter who she is. Only be there for someone emotionally if they can really depend on you and you're not seeking something out of it. that isn't right and that makes you a terrible person. Plus, you're only damaging that person even further than they already are.
No one's perfect. You could have gone about this entirely better and you could have at least asked her out on a date way before you jumped straight into the sex thing, especially after being there for her emotionally. You damaged her and that isn't okay but that doesn't mean you can't redeem yourself over time. Just, don't redeem yourself or try to work through your issues if you're only trying to work through them in hopes of winning her over or something like that. Like I said, this isn't the end for you or your life. This is the end of this chapter in your life and you're starting over again in this new portion of your life. Understand what went wrong, how you could have handled things better and of course, the option to seek professional help is there too.
Be better. Do better.
You aren't gonna repair this. This isn't salvageable and more importantly, this isn't something that you can twist to make yourself look better or make us feel bad for you. In fact, I assume there's some sort of things you probably left out from all of this that may or may not make you look worse but that's just me theorizing, I could absolutely be wrong.
You need to delete her number. You need to work through your issues. No, this isn't the end of the world for you. It's the end of this chapter with those people in your life. You fucked up with her and all the other people who blocked you because of what you did. You can either go through therapy and trying to figure out how to be better because that's what you need to be, better or you can just walk away and figure things out on your own.
You already proven you can't control your tendencies, block her number or delete her number like I and everyone else have already stated. And, for the love of god, do not show up to this woman's house. You don't need to be arrested and she doesn't need to be scarred anymore than she's already been scarred. She deserves better and you need to be better.
She isn't the only women in the world. She isn't "the one" for you and you need to push forward so you can meet new people. On top of that, don't ever be there for a woman emotionally if you're only there to try and have sex with her. If that's your end goal, you're better off leaving the damn girl alone no matter who she is. Only be there for someone emotionally if they can really depend on you and you're not seeking something out of it. that isn't right and that makes you a terrible person. Plus, you're only damaging that person even further than they already are.
No one's perfect. You could have gone about this entirely better and you could have at least asked her out on a date way before you jumped straight into the sex thing, especially after being there for her emotionally. You damaged her and that isn't okay but that doesn't mean you can't redeem yourself over time. Just, don't redeem yourself or try to work through your issues if you're only trying to work through them in hopes of winning her over or something like that. Like I said, this isn't the end for you or your life. This is the end of this chapter in your life and you're starting over again in this new portion of your life. Understand what went wrong, how you could have handled things better and of course, the option to seek professional help is there too.
Be better. Do better.
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Your shouldn't be coming to Era & writing this post OP. The only thing you are going to get is unsympathetic people just teeing off on your fragile mental state.
Seek professional help, and I hope you get better. Ask for your family for help to cover the expenses if need be, but it is absolutely vital you get proper mental care.
Seek professional help, and I hope you get better. Ask for your family for help to cover the expenses if need be, but it is absolutely vital you get proper mental care.
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Asking out a friend under false pretenses and then asking for sex from said friend was a fuckup, but you can rationalize it as being part of growing up. Going to the house of the girl you asked for sex to beg further is a big fuckup that shows you've developed something unhealthy. Going to echo what others have said and suggest counseling and getting a fresh start with a whole new group of people. Work past it and start looking for someone who's into you. And avoid codependent shit; it's very comfortable, I know firsthand, but it will only eat at you and make you miserable in the long term.
This is going to be one of those stupid things you say that haunts you for like 30 years. I still remember dumb things I said when I was like 12.
Girls aren't your sex objects. You don't go from zero to butt stuff. At the very least, throw out some compliments and see how she responds. It's really not that hard to tell if you're headed in that direction. Move on, leave her alone, and be better next time.
Girls aren't your sex objects. You don't go from zero to butt stuff. At the very least, throw out some compliments and see how she responds. It's really not that hard to tell if you're headed in that direction. Move on, leave her alone, and be better next time.
I can't believe there are people in here trying to downplay what the OP did and say she is overreacting. Wtf is wrong with you all?
It's not normal to ask one of your closest friends if they want to fuck just because you're leaving soon. It's completely disrespecting her friendship and trust in with him. Then OP continued to bother her and demand her time after all of that.
OP: you fucked up and you know you did. Leave her alone and move on with your life. Stop trying to force a resolution because it's only going to make things worse.
It's not normal to ask one of your closest friends if they want to fuck just because you're leaving soon. It's completely disrespecting her friendship and trust in with him. Then OP continued to bother her and demand her time after all of that.
OP: you fucked up and you know you did. Leave her alone and move on with your life. Stop trying to force a resolution because it's only going to make things worse.
I fully agree with you.
OP definitely scarred this girl one way or another. The actions of building that trust, suddenly asking to fuck and then grabbing her hand after saying no is one absolutely bad thing. But then, after that going on some journey to come back and then showing up to her house unannounced? That's even fucking worse. He damaged her, very much so and she's gonna have to probably work through that for who knows how long now. People really are downplaying what's probably a traumatic experience for that girl.
Great post , seriously what is wrong with some of you guys saying "ah no big deal" BS.
OP you need to see a therapist to help you learn how to handle adult relationships. You either dont respect or cant see boundaries and that's going to doom any relationship. You can be better. You'll be okay!
I DO realize it's difficult sometimes. especially when you're young and inexperienced. Learn from it. lot of times people are just being nice and kind with no thought behind it. It's hard to imagine for horny dudes who often just see women as potential sex partners. The fact that you can make a woman laugh and make her feel at ease does not automatically mean you're a potential (sex-) partner to her. The sooner you learn that the better. I can't count the times where i have seen this gone wrong with friends and strangers. The worst times were when men would get so insulted by this that they would use violence. Imagine that.
Dear men, we're not all that. No matter what our mommy told us.
Dear men, we're not all that. No matter what our mommy told us.
Listen to this post and have this thread locked up OP. This isn't gonna help anything.
Better to post here and get a grilling than somewhere that's gonna give him some MRA-flavoured advice.
Also, pursue help from a professional because your friends and to an extent your family aren't there to fix you. Don't push your problems onto others.
Also, pursue help from a professional because your friends and to an extent your family aren't there to fix you. Don't push your problems onto others.
Clearly you're looking for forgiveness so just know that ethically speaking you didn't do anything wrong. Nothing wrong with sex, you asked, she said no. You didn't push anything in that regard. So get over that aspect.
Socially though you fucked up a number of times. You killed that relationship and some of the things you did afterwards were inappropriate and borderline stalking. Just move on because your behaviour towards this woman were enough to make her extremely uncomfortable. Seriously, put it behind you and move on.
Socially though you fucked up a number of times. You killed that relationship and some of the things you did afterwards were inappropriate and borderline stalking. Just move on because your behaviour towards this woman were enough to make her extremely uncomfortable. Seriously, put it behind you and move on.
This went well beyond a boundary that didn't need to be crossed with the sex stuff. She probably had doubts about your motives of wanting to be her friend in the first place. You went from using her as a mental outlet to vent your problems, to wanting to have physical relations. Your actions most likely proved the doubts in her mind were correct. There's no fixing this. You fucked up. Move on with your life. And delete her fucking number so you don't contact her again, drunk or sober.
Pretty much this. There's really nothing to gain by posting this here OP. We've all done incredibly dumb shit in our lives and this is one of those moments.
Time to move on and better yourself from this. Also might wanna look into a counselor for that drinking problem.
OMG the drama!
He just made a rookie mistake. He sounds like a total beginner actually. He said he has struggled with loneliness and that takes its toll. All he needs is to focus on bettering himself with exercise and finding some kind of passion in life. Then he can go out and start dating. He's going to make mistakes but he's not losing his mind. And he doesn't sound dangerous based on this story.
You fucked up. Move on.
We all made mistakes with our relationships with others. You just need to accept that they were made and leave them in the past. Sometimes you'll reflect on them again, but that's not a bad thing, you'll just harden that knowledge to be more careful next time.
We all made mistakes with our relationships with others. You just need to accept that they were made and leave them in the past. Sometimes you'll reflect on them again, but that's not a bad thing, you'll just harden that knowledge to be more careful next time.
Have you ever heard of... depression and anxiety? His post reads like he has both and counseling could certainly help him.
OP, you did mess up your friendship, but you didn't do anything earth shatteringly, morally wrong. You've learned a lesson to not go from 0 to 100 like that with someone. Next time, you'll know better and the situation will turn out differently. You're literally making a completely new start now, so as hard as it can be, just cut her and the friends who dropped you over this out of your life and start fresh. I know it is not easy and your mind can beat you up about it, but definitely seeing a therapist or something will help you out a lot. It can teach you how to stifle that voice in your head that tells you you fucked up majorly.
Oh yeah and also please, please stop drinking! You do not want it to become a problem. I'm rooting for you.
Just to be very clear, OP: delete your contact details for her. Do not apologise to her. Do not apologise to mutual friends so that they can tell her. If you get drunk (don't) and text her (DON'T), do NOT try to apologise for that, either. If you run into her at a social event, make your excuses to the host (not her) and leave, and don't go around finding excuses to be at the sort of thing she might be at.
Seek therapy, it'll help, but emphasise to the therapist that your reason for doing so isn't to fix things and apologise, it's to stay out of contact and try to be a better person.
Try to stop drinking. That'll help too.
You can totally make yourself a better person. That's not a path you've locked off. But you have to make sure you try.
Seek therapy, it'll help, but emphasise to the therapist that your reason for doing so isn't to fix things and apologise, it's to stay out of contact and try to be a better person.
Try to stop drinking. That'll help too.
You can totally make yourself a better person. That's not a path you've locked off. But you have to make sure you try.
Don't forget, he unloaded all his personal worries, concerns, anxieties, and fears onto her for hours (which had been an issue for her in the past) before then asking her if she was down to fuck.
EDIT: Shit, he unloaded the anxiety of planning to ask her to fuck onto her before actually asking.
As has already been made clear in this thread, yes, you crossed a serious line. You don't just ask a friend if you should sleep together, especially the first time seeing them after you straight up say you strained the relationship. You genuinely need to leave this person alone for a very long time. There's a chance she may forgive you, but that friendship is likely over forever; even if you chat from time to time in the distant future, it'll never be the same.
For the sake of your sanity, OP, let it go. Move on. Practice self-love and learn to respect and care for yourself. Be well.
-EDIT-
removed a story of when I did a dumb thing when I was young because I thought it was like OPs story, but upon re-reading the post, our stories are really not similar at all.
If multiple people that you considered your good friends all blocked you on social media and refused your calls, you did something more than what you're saying.
For the sake of your sanity, OP, let it go. Move on. Practice self-love and learn to respect and care for yourself. Be well.
-EDIT-
removed a story of when I did a dumb thing when I was young because I thought it was like OPs story, but upon re-reading the post, our stories are really not similar at all.
If multiple people that you considered your good friends all blocked you on social media and refused your calls, you did something more than what you're saying.
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Okay, really though, I was in a similar situation once. But not the same.
One of my best college friends (out of a group of 7) was somebody that I had crushed on off and on and eventually fell hard for. We'd meet just the two of us sometimes and just vent about our roommates (all of whom were the remaining 5 friends of the group) and sometimes have serious talks. We were very close.
On the last night out on the town before graduating and moving away, I propositioned her (and we weren't alone, we were out with the group). She said yes, and it was great.
Now, this worked differently for me for a couple of reasons. First, she wasn't the only friend I talked to about serious shit. Second, she also had feelings for me. Our crushes basically never lined up timing wise, except when they did we were both afraid to blow up the friend group. Third, we had (drunkenly) made out a couple of times previously that year, so there was some precedent for getting physical.
Anyway, sleeping with a friend as some sort of goodbye before moving away doesn't work. Instead, I thought about her all the time, and we kept in touch, talking on the phone all summer. Not good if you want to get over feelings. Eventually the distance did its job, and we're still friends, and I'm totally over it, feel dumb about it now, but yeah, the goodbye sex isn't really a thing, IMO.
One of my best college friends (out of a group of 7) was somebody that I had crushed on off and on and eventually fell hard for. We'd meet just the two of us sometimes and just vent about our roommates (all of whom were the remaining 5 friends of the group) and sometimes have serious talks. We were very close.
On the last night out on the town before graduating and moving away, I propositioned her (and we weren't alone, we were out with the group). She said yes, and it was great.
Now, this worked differently for me for a couple of reasons. First, she wasn't the only friend I talked to about serious shit. Second, she also had feelings for me. Our crushes basically never lined up timing wise, except when they did we were both afraid to blow up the friend group. Third, we had (drunkenly) made out a couple of times previously that year, so there was some precedent for getting physical.
Anyway, sleeping with a friend as some sort of goodbye before moving away doesn't work. Instead, I thought about her all the time, and we kept in touch, talking on the phone all summer. Not good if you want to get over feelings. Eventually the distance did its job, and we're still friends, and I'm totally over it, feel dumb about it now, but yeah, the goodbye sex isn't really a thing, IMO.
Perhaps you said so in the OP but I didn't catch it. You really drove back to talk to them in person???
You said something horribly stupid and belittling. Then you proceeded to think about yourself, yourself, and yourself - not because you thought what you said was wrong, per se, but because she had such a visceral reaction to it. You went to tell her ex. You went to tell your family. You continued to half-assedly attempt to mend things with her.
But none of that was about putting her at ease; it was about doing it for you. She's the closest thing to a victim in this scenario, not you.
But let me put your mind at ease: You aren't a rapist. You're just a shit friend. I hope you learn something from this experience. First and foremost is, people aren't there to give you anything - not their bodies or their time or their permission to disrespect them and be forgiven. Life isn't a movie where you're the central protagonist and everyone else revolves around you and your needs.
Next time you do or say something wrong, try to recognize that your words, time, and sympathy should be devoted to the recipient of that harm. Not finding ways to absolve yourself, but to show you truly care about them as a human being and don't want the insecurity or pain to carry on for them.
That's in the future, though. Given all that's happened, leave her alone and stop drinking FFS.
But none of that was about putting her at ease; it was about doing it for you. She's the closest thing to a victim in this scenario, not you.
But let me put your mind at ease: You aren't a rapist. You're just a shit friend. I hope you learn something from this experience. First and foremost is, people aren't there to give you anything - not their bodies or their time or their permission to disrespect them and be forgiven. Life isn't a movie where you're the central protagonist and everyone else revolves around you and your needs.
Next time you do or say something wrong, try to recognize that your words, time, and sympathy should be devoted to the recipient of that harm. Not finding ways to absolve yourself, but to show you truly care about them as a human being and don't want the insecurity or pain to carry on for them.
That's in the future, though. Given all that's happened, leave her alone and stop drinking FFS.
were you interested in her before?
if not, dude....that is bizarre.
Honestly you'll be fine, just chill out on drinking.
You did almost every dumb thing you could, but damn her first reaction was really an overreaction
But dude, stop. And for fuck sake don't ask people to have sex, either there is chemistry ad it is happening or don't be the creep that awkwardly asks for it
But dude, stop. And for fuck sake don't ask people to have sex, either there is chemistry ad it is happening or don't be the creep that awkwardly asks for it
Jeeze man, 2 months and you still haven't let it go?
You realize all your anxious reaction to the situation made it look worse? You just kept digging yourself into a bigger hole.
I'm assuming you're pretty young...
This wont be the first person in your life that thinks your a shit bag.
Learn to move on.
Edit: also dont ask someone if it's okay if you sleep with them.
You realize all your anxious reaction to the situation made it look worse? You just kept digging yourself into a bigger hole.
I'm assuming you're pretty young...
This wont be the first person in your life that thinks your a shit bag.
Learn to move on.
Edit: also dont ask someone if it's okay if you sleep with them.
