Have a kiddo, she's great and will become exactly the sort of person the future will need in order to keep us all from imploding. Her mother is an amazing role model who has already saved several peoples' lives.
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How did you decide to have (or not have) kids?
- Thread starter smisk
- Start date
Me and my girlfriend hesitated a lot in the past 5 years or so.
But seeing our nephew grew up since the last 2 years made it easier for us to just go ahead and try getting a kid. I'm still afraid we'll run into money issues though.
I say "try" because I've stopped using condoms since August and still nothing. Maybe us both being in our mid 30s isn't helping, maybe we need to have sex more often than 2-3 times a week, I dunno.
But seeing our nephew grew up since the last 2 years made it easier for us to just go ahead and try getting a kid. I'm still afraid we'll run into money issues though.
I say "try" because I've stopped using condoms since August and still nothing. Maybe us both being in our mid 30s isn't helping, maybe we need to have sex more often than 2-3 times a week, I dunno.
OP
OP
She's 24 so we definitely have some time. I'm not dead set against it, just not certain the way she is haha. I'm gonna take a couple years to think about it, it's defenitely been helpful to see what other people's experiences are like.
I wanted kids but I'm not cut out for another human being due to my mental health. I had one girlfriend before I wanted to marry and have kids with but my mental health brought it all down and I'll never subject anyone to having to deal with my manic highs or depressing lows on a forever basis, including a child. It can wear another person out or confuse the fuck out of them when you're infatuated with them weeks at a time but can't conjure the ability to get out of bed for a potentially equal period. fuck life thinking about what I wanted vs what I became and how it affected getting to that place makes me wanna end my shit the further it drags on
I'm 34. I got a vasectomy when I was 20 years old.
I knew then I had no desire to pass on my genetics (for better or for worse). I've had a few relationships suffer because of this decision. Which I was upfront about but as the relationship evolved and they grew older ... their acceptance of my own decision shifted.
My fiancee and I right now are on the same page - no kids, ever. She's a special education teacher and has seen where things can go awry. My sister confirmed that we're both carriers of the Phelan-McDermid Syndrome (22q13 deletion) and a slew of other issues (her child has it, along with some other genetic issues that could not be confirmed as dormant in our DNA).
Long story short, I (subjectively) had the view that my genetic structure was "damaged" due to how many issues have been in my family (psychologically, physically, genetically...) and that was validated later on after the vasectomy. That's how I made my decision.
I knew then I had no desire to pass on my genetics (for better or for worse). I've had a few relationships suffer because of this decision. Which I was upfront about but as the relationship evolved and they grew older ... their acceptance of my own decision shifted.
My fiancee and I right now are on the same page - no kids, ever. She's a special education teacher and has seen where things can go awry. My sister confirmed that we're both carriers of the Phelan-McDermid Syndrome (22q13 deletion) and a slew of other issues (her child has it, along with some other genetic issues that could not be confirmed as dormant in our DNA).
Long story short, I (subjectively) had the view that my genetic structure was "damaged" due to how many issues have been in my family (psychologically, physically, genetically...) and that was validated later on after the vasectomy. That's how I made my decision.
User Banned (1 week): Racism
I turn 30 next year. My girlfriend is 32.
We talked about the kids thing on the first date. I mean I usually do but I brought it up specifically with her since I knew she was the one.
We don't want to have kids, if we ever change our mind on this we will adopt. Maybe like a 5 year old Asian girl. They are super cute, well behaved and automatically good in school.
We talked about the kids thing on the first date. I mean I usually do but I brought it up specifically with her since I knew she was the one.
We don't want to have kids, if we ever change our mind on this we will adopt. Maybe like a 5 year old Asian girl. They are super cute, well behaved and automatically good in school.
Yeah, it's not heartless and people who are judgmental about it can fuck off. I'm 40 and my wife 34 and we still get shit about it sometimes--mostly her though as women get it WAY worse than men. For us, it's opposite of you and was mostly family for a long time. That's mostly stopped as they've accepted it (especially post vasectomy), but she still gets it from strangers and people at work. Thankfully we both have Ph Ds and so does a lot of our social circle and there are a lot of childfree types in that group. So at last we have some close, childfree couples we hangout with regularly.
Nah, this is exactly how my wife and I are. We love our nephews and try to spoil them, but we also love coming home to our cats and relaxing. Also, my wife is a T1 diabetic with a bunch of health issues, and her getting pregnant and having a kid could possibly kill her, so there's that. I've just never wanted kids. I like being around them in doses, but eventually, tire of them and want my own time. It's a bit selfish, but it's also my/our life. We also don't have the money to have a kid anyways.
My wife and I have gone back and forth on the idea, mostly due to sacrificing freedom and money. My wife is 30 and says that if we don't have one by the time she's 33, we're not having one due to increased chances of complications.
After we came back from vacation in September, we and our married friends were planning to start trying around the same time. They ended up going through some medical issues and immediately stopped until everything cleared up, and my wife has been so stressed from school and work, and is now second guessing her career that we stopped. On top of that, she finally changed her mind and is ready to move back to our home state to be near friends and family. With that, we're going to begin looking for new jobs and selling our house in 2019 before trying again.
After we came back from vacation in September, we and our married friends were planning to start trying around the same time. They ended up going through some medical issues and immediately stopped until everything cleared up, and my wife has been so stressed from school and work, and is now second guessing her career that we stopped. On top of that, she finally changed her mind and is ready to move back to our home state to be near friends and family. With that, we're going to begin looking for new jobs and selling our house in 2019 before trying again.
You will always, ALWAYS find an excuse to not have a kid if you're looking for them.
My wife defended her thesis at 35 weeks pregnant. We were broke for the first few years while she changed her career around. You're never truly ready, and you'll always find a way to provide and make it happen for your family. Waiting is probably the worst thing you can do, because YOU will suffer for a variety of reasons (lower energy, less time to save for retirement with kids out of the house, etc).
I was always open to kids. When I was a kid myself I always thought once I was an adult I'd have kids of my own. In long term relationships I was always open to the prospect of one day having kids and if I was dating someone in a serious relationship who was dead set against kids then I think that would have been a deal breaker for me.
My wife and I have been together since I've been... 27 and she was 22, and we always thought one day we'd have two or three kids once we were married. We always used to talk about a "5 year window," where basically, we'd get married and travel and do things for about 5 years, then have kids. Well... about 2 years into marriage my wife gets bitten by the baby bug, a couple of her friends have had babies... I'd always kinda laugh it off like "Oh, jeez we can't have kids now -- the house is a mess, we have to renovate the bathroom, etc, etc, etc..." well her sister unexpectedly had a lot of trouble getting pregnant, she had a condition where -- at 33, 34 -- she only had a few eggs left and had to go for very expensive and stressful IVF treatments. My wife started getting worried, and one day she was like "LETS HAVE A BABY" and normally I'd be the cautious patient person but I was like "eh, why not, may as well try" in my head thinking "it'll probably take like a year anyway and I might as well reliably get laid for a while..." And, while most people we know it took them much longer to get pregnant once they started trying ... like ... 2 months later she tells me she's pregnant, and we had our baby girl about 4 months ago.
My wife had a really rough pregnancy, she had morning sickness for basically the whole thing. Otherwise she was healthy, like no bedrest or anything, and she's also very fit and in good shape so that helped. The actual labor itself was incredible. My advice to people who will be partners of a pregnant person: Epidurals are the greatest invention of medicine in human history, if your partner is on the fence and they're like "I kinda want an epidural but ... I feel like it's not natural..." do your best to convince them to get one. After being insane uncomfortable for weeks, my wife had a great night's sleep the night before she gave birth exclusively because of the epidural. Shit is like mana sent from heaven. Baby was fine too and an hour after taking it out, she got feeling again and everything was normal... painful... fucked up... but back to "the new normal."
Our daughter is a trip, but she's an amazing little baby. My advice to new would be parents, dads especially as a father myself, is not to stress it. Everyone tells you how hard it is, how it fucks your shit up, how it's never the same, etc.etc... Yeah, sure all those things are true, but it hasn't been that bad. It's been an adjustment for sure, but we've been really blessed with a healthy, happy little baby, it took my wife about ~6 weeks to really mostly recover, but she's doing great now, and things are good.
I'll be 35 this year, my wife 30, and we're now happy we started when we did. You never have everything figured out. It's never the perfect time. My wife was ~6mos pregnant and we were in the middle of gutting our entire house, in the everlasting winter of Massachusetts. But, we're happy we did it and my daughter is like the permanent joy of my life. There's something deeply, deeply satisfying about parenthood. It's not always easy, of course, but, it's cool.
Kids are cool.
My wife and I have been together since I've been... 27 and she was 22, and we always thought one day we'd have two or three kids once we were married. We always used to talk about a "5 year window," where basically, we'd get married and travel and do things for about 5 years, then have kids. Well... about 2 years into marriage my wife gets bitten by the baby bug, a couple of her friends have had babies... I'd always kinda laugh it off like "Oh, jeez we can't have kids now -- the house is a mess, we have to renovate the bathroom, etc, etc, etc..." well her sister unexpectedly had a lot of trouble getting pregnant, she had a condition where -- at 33, 34 -- she only had a few eggs left and had to go for very expensive and stressful IVF treatments. My wife started getting worried, and one day she was like "LETS HAVE A BABY" and normally I'd be the cautious patient person but I was like "eh, why not, may as well try" in my head thinking "it'll probably take like a year anyway and I might as well reliably get laid for a while..." And, while most people we know it took them much longer to get pregnant once they started trying ... like ... 2 months later she tells me she's pregnant, and we had our baby girl about 4 months ago.
My wife had a really rough pregnancy, she had morning sickness for basically the whole thing. Otherwise she was healthy, like no bedrest or anything, and she's also very fit and in good shape so that helped. The actual labor itself was incredible. My advice to people who will be partners of a pregnant person: Epidurals are the greatest invention of medicine in human history, if your partner is on the fence and they're like "I kinda want an epidural but ... I feel like it's not natural..." do your best to convince them to get one. After being insane uncomfortable for weeks, my wife had a great night's sleep the night before she gave birth exclusively because of the epidural. Shit is like mana sent from heaven. Baby was fine too and an hour after taking it out, she got feeling again and everything was normal... painful... fucked up... but back to "the new normal."
Our daughter is a trip, but she's an amazing little baby. My advice to new would be parents, dads especially as a father myself, is not to stress it. Everyone tells you how hard it is, how it fucks your shit up, how it's never the same, etc.etc... Yeah, sure all those things are true, but it hasn't been that bad. It's been an adjustment for sure, but we've been really blessed with a healthy, happy little baby, it took my wife about ~6 weeks to really mostly recover, but she's doing great now, and things are good.
I'll be 35 this year, my wife 30, and we're now happy we started when we did. You never have everything figured out. It's never the perfect time. My wife was ~6mos pregnant and we were in the middle of gutting our entire house, in the everlasting winter of Massachusetts. But, we're happy we did it and my daughter is like the permanent joy of my life. There's something deeply, deeply satisfying about parenthood. It's not always easy, of course, but, it's cool.
Kids are cool.
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My wife believed I wanted children. I believed she wanted children. We'd planned on having children until I said...I don't really want them but I would have been okay with having them since they are important to you. My wife then told me she didn't want any either and thought they were important to me. So we decided we're not having them.
Hate to imagine we would have brought children into the world that neither of us wanted.
Hate to imagine we would have brought children into the world that neither of us wanted.
I have never liked kids not even when I was one. I remember being in elementary school thinking all these kids are annoying.
I think I was in my mid 70's when I was born
I think I was in my mid 70's when I was born
I was the same at 24 as you are. My wife definitely wanted kids but I wasn't sure. I'm 27 now and we had our first in May. I love that kid more than anything. Watching her grow is an amazing experience unlike anything else.
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Yep, I completely agree with this. You're never completely ready. Kids'll fuck your shit up, but it's great.
The most scared I was was that 2nd day leaving the hospital ... When we got in the car to go home ... I was lik e... "I have no idea how to do this and I have no idea what I'm doing." But... we got through it. First night home was pretty good. 2nd, 3rd nights, around then, were tough, and my wife had UTI after that was really messing with her and so she was out of commission more or less for the first two weeks or so. I Was fortunate to get 4 weeks off which was awesome, so I took 3 and then went back to work for 5 weeks, and then took my last week when she went back to work.
But I was still fucking scared that first day/night going home. Then all of a sudden you realize you've hit a week. Then 2 weeks. Then a month. Then 2 months, and now we're nearing 5 months... and it's like... Are you kidding me we've already done this for 5 months!??!!
More advice from me is if you can, get out of the house sooner rather than later. I gae this advice in the parenting thread here, and someone was a little bothered be it because for medical reasons his wife couldn't get out of the house and they had a lot of complications, and so I don't mean this for anybody who has a medical reason for why they can't, but assuming things are going normally and it's not an abnormal post-pregnancy or after birth, if you're up for it I'd really recommend getting mom/baby/you out of the house and integrating baby into normal things. After a week spent in the house basically never leaving except for short trips to the super market, we were both going a little stir crazy... Like, 98% of the time it was boring, but 2% of the time it was like an endless fire drill. And we found it really nice to try to get back into the things we liked doing... took her to our favorite bar/restaurant (obviously, sheltered in her cocoon carseat), and out to as many places as we could. We flew with her to NYC when she was ... 3ish months or so, stayed in the city for 3 nights. Just kinda... making the baby part of our normal life.
ANd that's really helped us stay sane.
Its terrifying. Every time. I have 2 trying for third. My son is 15 and will hopefully go to college haha. Hes alright....most of the time. Damn teens.
But my baby girl 3 is and let me fuxking tell you. That girl is the light of my life. She can wipe away a shitty day with her beautiful smile and hug. Shes my angel.
You do sacrifice personal or adult only time but I wouldnt trade any of that for her or him lol.
To be honest when they are gone Im lonely or me and my wife are like.. wtf do we do.
It changes evwrything but if you give that child love and a chance they will love you more then anything in this world.
You will be their superhero , their best friend. Theyll screqm and run at you when you get home. Its amazing.
Always knew I wanted them, just didn't have the confidence that I'd be able to do it "right". Thankfully my wife is smarter than I am, and was able to convince me with well timed nakedness and sexy talk/time.
We actually talked about it on the first date. Thanks to my son though, I was able to get my shit together, land an actual good job, then a good-er job, and earn a living that enables me to provide for my family pretty well.
But I'm done af. Got the old snipperoo after my daughter turned one, and that was that.
We actually talked about it on the first date. Thanks to my son though, I was able to get my shit together, land an actual good job, then a good-er job, and earn a living that enables me to provide for my family pretty well.
But I'm done af. Got the old snipperoo after my daughter turned one, and that was that.
We are all genetically hard wired to be good parents. I imagine you'd do great if you ever wanted/decided to have kids.
No we are fucking not. I know plenty of garbage parents in my life, with children that are deeply resentful of their upbringing.
Unprotected sex - > pregnant girlfriend - > the night before the scheduled abortion we decides to keep the baby - > having a kid is pretty cool - > baby number two on the way - > kids are still pretty cool - > trying for a third kid.
All of that in the last 7 years
All of that in the last 7 years
The only way I was going to cuff my very hot GF (now wife) was to basically commit to having at least 1 kid. We started having the marriage/children talk about six months into dating. So I knew the deal.
She's always wanted to be a mother. So I had a good feeling that she would be great one.
We now have 2 kids (1 boy & 1 girl), and her tubes are tied. So we're dunzo with kids.
Life is great 😃
She's always wanted to be a mother. So I had a good feeling that she would be great one.
We now have 2 kids (1 boy & 1 girl), and her tubes are tied. So we're dunzo with kids.
Life is great 😃
My wife and I had a serious discussion about kids just before we got married because she didn't want to have one after the age of 35. But she wanted to try for one, and I only wanted to if I could give them a better upbringing than what I had. Thankfully, we moved to a better part of the country, our salaries improved, and we had a boy in September of 2017. While I hesitated back then, I wouldn't have if I knew I would be capable of having the type of love in my heart for my son. Even through the hard times, he's brought so much joy to my life. But the pregnancy was very hard on my wife, and we ended up getting her tubes tied since they had to do a c-section on her anyway. If we want more in the future, we're going to adopt.
My wife's got fibromyalgia, so even if she could stand a pregnancy somehow she could never have the energy to raise a child so that's another thing we have in common! But I'm glad we had made our choice before she got sick. So there's no lingering doubt over the illness making the choice for us.
I see you were lucky enough to not have my parents growing up.
My fiancée and I discussed it about six months into our relationship when she said, "You know, I don't think I'm ever gonna want kids," and I was like, "Same." 5+ years later, we are still very much aligned.
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Please think this through (unless it's sarcasm, I can't tell anymore)
My wife and I didn't want kids when we first got together, that changed after a few years. We have two, 13 and 12. They're big enough that we can leave them home by themselves if we want to go out, we do alot of stuff with them though. They're good kids, they make me a better person, no regrets.
If kids aren't for you though don't have kids. It sucks that people feel pressure
I've never had the desire for kids at any point in my life. For me being with someone who wanted kids was always a dealbreaker. I was lucky enough to find a partner who felt the same, and it was brought up very early in our relationship. I went ahead a got a vasectomy about 5 years ago and feel really good about that decision. Being child free is something we personally enjoy and I'm content with.
I value having time with my spouse as well as time for myself.
Having two incomes with no children is a big financial boon.
I find fulfillment in many different things and am happy with the life I have built.
I value having time with my spouse as well as time for myself.
Having two incomes with no children is a big financial boon.
I find fulfillment in many different things and am happy with the life I have built.
How rock solid is she wanting children? I mean if she is locked in having kids, there are definitely some conversations that need to happen
Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you had gone through with it?
I like absolutely nothing about kids and enjoying having my life all to my self. It was an easy decision, really. Barely had to think about it.
She deserves to have a kid. Two choices. Have one or leave the relationship if she truly wants a baby sometime
OP
OP
She's said she's 90% sure, pretty sure it's a deal breaker for her. She's fine with me not being sure yet and taking some time to decide though. She's amazing though and I sometimes think I'd have a kid just for her even if it wasn't something I felt like I needed.
What country do you live in? Were you only able to get the vasectomy at such a young age because of the genetic issues? Many doctors around here won't (or are highly reluctant to) perform them on childless men who are under 50.
I hear you, before I had children, I never felt that I 'needed' children, it was more of a want.
I'm kind of still on the fence at 30. A big part of it is just finances and free time. Me and my so make enough money theoretically for kids but we're pretty good at spending it on ourselves lol. I'm also tired enough and strapped for time as it is. Also I have pretty severe anxiety and I don't think kids will help on that front. My SO is 34 and is at like 99% she doesn't want kids. So I think we're pretty much on the same page.
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Neither of us actually wanted kids, for a variety of reasons. Both of us felt pressured to have them, but when we really talked about it, it was clear that neither of us felt particularly compelled. Part of it was both of us having very bad childhoods, part of it was known mental illness in the relationship, and part of it was not wanting to stick a kid with some of our awful genetic issues. But mostly it was that we didn't desperately want them.
Feeling unsure and nervous about it at 27 is completely normal OP. I'm in my mid 30s with two kids and I was freaking out at first. Now? I can't imagine a life without them and it's easily the best part of our lives to date. You'll probably hear this sentiment a lot.
Sometimes. I guess if it turnes out "worse", as in having a kid fucking suck, I would think about it a lot more haha. I do miss the freedom we had before from time to time. My oldest daughter is in first grade and watching her learn how to read and all the progress she's making in french and math is super fucking cool. It really makes me proud and it's moments like that that make me not regret having kids.
She's taking French? Is it one of those bilingual classroom set ups?