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Era, I probably am going to have to kill myself soon, and I'm terrified, but I have to. Love

LexingtonKruger

Banned
Mar 9, 2018
606
I work in the restaurant industry. At a place where a previous worker already committed suicide.

I'm terrified everyday I go into work. I'm terrified to do the job. I've made this clear to management. I have symptoms similar to ptsd from years of working in very scary environments.

I was attempting to get an education. I fought for twelve long years to be able to find a job that allowed me to go to school.

Well, I'm going to lose my job.

I live paycheck to paycheck. I made a vow if I was homeless again I would kill myself. I'm 28.

Due to a very difficult life and several suicide attempts already I'm not really afraid anymore.

I'm going to go to the George Washington bridge and jump.

I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a counselor. So people can't say I didn't try.

I wrote a book I hope to post the day before I attempt.

If there was some alternate means, of taking out huge loans to fund education or military service I would take them.

I always come to this choice of suicide or an incredibly miserable life. Like I either have to be homeless or I have to fight for my life everyday at work.

I'm very tired. I have a little brother I'll be sad to leave, but I can't continue to fight anymore, to only experience suffering.

I managed one semester of school.
Community College, I took five classes and got five a's while working part time. I'm proud of that, but it's all I had left you know.
 
Trey

Trey

Member
Oct 25, 2017
18,014
Being tired is understandable, but there's always a better way. You even said you had options in taking out a loan to fund your education.

There's still opportunity.
 
Orb

Orb

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
9,465
USA
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. I hope you will see that this isn't the only option.

I completely failed hard at college and flunked out after a year. I thought I was going to be stuck in a life of miserable retail jobs. But I found a way out and I believe you can too.

What makes you think you are going to lose your job?
 
Slappy White

Slappy White

Member
Oct 27, 2017
3,208
There's always an option and someone who will care and help. Don't do it. There are a lot of people here who will help you.
 
Xe4

Xe4

Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,295
If you live in the US call
1-800-273-8255

Don't wait.

As someone who has had and still sometimes had suicidal ideations, remember you're never alone and people love you. Remember also that the feeling will pass. Call your brother too if it helps.

Thinking of you : )
 
Koo

Koo

Member
Dec 10, 2017
1,863
We all get frustrated and tired with life, but giving up isn't an option. If you've got a little brother you've got to work hard and push through for him. Push through for yourself, for writing, for whatever you love that you want to hold on to. It's hard but it's worth it.
 

Deleted member 19003

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 27, 2017
3,809
Trey said:
Being tired is understandable, but there's always a better way. You even said you had options in taking out a loan to fund your education.

There's still opportunity.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
This, loans aren't that bad. You can get on IBR repayment programs that only ask for to 10% of your agi in payments. Or you can get loan forgiveness depending on where you end up working. Take out loans, go to school, and find a part time job that makes you happier.
 
Lost

Lost

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,108
You're not alone, we're all in this together.

We all have similar feelings everyday.

We're gonna power through this bullshit though.
 
Garlador

Garlador

Banned
Oct 30, 2017
14,131
I have been there.

I have felt hopeless. With nothing to live for and nothing to gain.

I was WRONG.

Life is absolutely worth living. If I had surrendered then and there, my daughter would not have a father today. My wife would not have a husband.

And I can't imagine that.

Call 1-800-273-8255. Please.
 

Deleted member 24052

Banned
Oct 29, 2017
13,470
Please DON'T. PLEASE. Please keep posting here. Keep fighting, I know it's hard. I know it feels impossible. But take every little victory, no matter how small, as proof enough that YOU MATTER, and YOU ARE WONDERFUL.

Your brother will miss you every day for the rest of his life. We will miss your posting as part of this community.

You earned 5 A's while working part time, that's incredible. You're clearly very intelligent, and given time you will do great things. This is proof of this.

Please, PLEASE, reach out to family. Seek help from family, friends, community leaders, anybody that can lend time, ears, money.

Please keep fighting.
 
Creamium

Creamium

Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,701
Belgium
Koo said:
We all get frustrated and tired with life, but giving up isn't an option. If you've got a little brother you've got to work hard and push through for him. Push through for yourself, for writing, for whatever you love that you want to hold on to. It's hard but it's worth it.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

This. Please don't do it. And think of your brother.
 
Silly Buck

Silly Buck

Member
Oct 28, 2017
522
You reaching out here, to me, is a sure sign that you know deep down within yourself that you shouldn't do this, and that there is much more to life than what you've experienced and what you're currently experiencing. A therapist, psychiatrist and counsellor mean nothing if you yourself haven't come to the realization that killing yourself isn't the answer to your hardships. Again, reaching out here means you do know better, in my eyes.

Hold on to that feeling, don't let it go. You're love incarnate. I can guarantee there are millions of more people who live much more miserable lives - stories we can't even hear since they don't even have access to a computer, phone or the internet.

You've completed 5 community college classes and got As while working part time - you seem more competent than most people I know.

Know that your suffering does not have to define you, but its in your suffering that you get to decide who you want to be, beyond dead or alive.
 

Deleted member 923

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
6,023
Don't do it.

Call your little brother and speak with him, or call a suicide line and speak to someone there. Please do this before acting rashly.
 
aerie

aerie

wonky
Administrator
Oct 25, 2017
8,037
I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time at the moment OP. Please do remember there are programs like Welfare, employment insurance, or even homeless prevention centres that are there to help if you are in a transitional period and need that extra support.

There are always other options, and your brother would be very thankful that you explored them. Try to chat with us, with your health care providers. You have support.
 
Last edited:
sugar bear

sugar bear

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,647
Please, don't do it! I've been in the pits of despair myself, contemplating ending my life - and I'm sure glad I didn't.
 
Deleted member 27995

Deleted member 27995

Banned
Oct 30, 2017
762
LexingtonKruger said:
I work in the restaurant industry. At a place where a previous worker already committed suicide.

I'm terrified everyday I go into work. I'm terrified to do the job. I've made this clear to management. I have symptoms similar to ptsd from years of working in very scary environments.

I was attempting to get an education. I fought for twelve long years to be able to find a job that allowed me to go to school.

Well, I'm going to lose my job.

I live paycheck to paycheck. I made a vow if I was homeless again I would kill myself. I'm 28.

Due to a very difficult life and several suicide attempts already I'm not really afraid anymore.

I'm going to go to the George Washington bridge and jump.

I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a counselor. So people can't say I didn't try.

I wrote a book I hope to post the day before I attempt.

If there was some alternate means, of taking out huge loans to fund education or military service I would take them.

I always come to this choice of suicide or an incredibly miserable life. Like I either have to be homeless or I have to fight for my life everyday at work.

I'm very tired. I have a little brother I'll be sad to leave, but I can't continue to fight anymore, to only experience suffering.

I managed one semester of school.
Community College, I took five classes and got five a's while working part time. I'm proud of that, but it's all I had left you know.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Join Lambda school. They will pay for your living costs and will teach you skills to get a tech job. In return, they take a % of your earnings once you land a tech job. Forgot to add, they'll even get you the tech job.
 
SnatcherHunter

SnatcherHunter

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
13,501
LexingtonKruger said:
I work in the restaurant industry. At a place where a previous worker already committed suicide.

I'm terrified everyday I go into work. I'm terrified to do the job. I've made this clear to management. I have symptoms similar to ptsd from years of working in very scary environments.

I was attempting to get an education. I fought for twelve long years to be able to find a job that allowed me to go to school.

Well, I'm going to lose my job.

I live paycheck to paycheck. I made a vow if I was homeless again I would kill myself. I'm 28.

Due to a very difficult life and several suicide attempts already I'm not really afraid anymore.

I'm going to go to the George Washington bridge and jump.

I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a counselor. So people can't say I didn't try.

I wrote a book I hope to post the day before I attempt.

If there was some alternate means, of taking out huge loans to fund education or military service I would take them.

I always come to this choice of suicide or an incredibly miserable life. Like I either have to be homeless or I have to fight for my life everyday at work.

I'm very tired. I have a little brother I'll be sad to leave, but I can't continue to fight anymore, to only experience suffering.

I managed one semester of school.
Community College, I took five classes and got five a's while working part time. I'm proud of that, but it's all I had left you know.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Don't!!
If you came here, it is because you know you don't want to.

Please, dont do this. The light always shine at the end of a black tunnel. I promise you.
 
Ichi

Ichi

Banned
Sep 10, 2018
1,997
I know, you feel like you're only existing and not living; I know, you have been hurting for so long that it already feels numb and you have no more tears to shed or pain to feel.

it gets better. maybe not now, but someday it will and you will look back at this moment and acknowledge that you overcame it - but this moment will just be a memory you will barely remember - and you need to hold on to be able to see through this.
 
Keyouta

Keyouta

The Wise Ones
Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,198
Canada
Please don't man, you're still young and have a whole life ahead of you. Don't feel hopeless it will get better.

Have you tried taking an apprenticeship? They're usually really good, you can learn a good skill like electrical. Get work experience for a majority of the year then do school 2/3 months per year.
 
Aftermath

Aftermath

Member
Oct 27, 2017
3,756
Hey OP thanks for sharing your story, I am so sad to hear about this.

please reconsider this, right now things seem really hard right now in this moment but I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel ok, hearing stories from many others who have been in the similar situation have always come out fine the other end and then they have been so thankful to have held on.


Please consider contacting the national helpline number shared above it may just help you.

Thanks on behalf from all your era family who love you.
 
unknownspectator

unknownspectator

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
2,192
Don't do it man. I don't have any solutions but you have a brother who will miss you man. Don't give up! I know you will figure something out.
 
ZealousD

ZealousD

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,303
Don't do it.

Call your local suicide hotline.

This is not a decision that you have the chance of being able to regret later.
 

MC-MC

Member
Dec 15, 2017
520
LexingtonKruger said:
I work in the restaurant industry. At a place where a previous worker already committed suicide.

I'm terrified everyday I go into work. I'm terrified to do the job. I've made this clear to management. I have symptoms similar to ptsd from years of working in very scary environments.

I was attempting to get an education. I fought for twelve long years to be able to find a job that allowed me to go to school.

Well, I'm going to lose my job.

I live paycheck to paycheck. I made a vow if I was homeless again I would kill myself. I'm 28.

Due to a very difficult life and several suicide attempts already I'm not really afraid anymore.

I'm going to go to the George Washington bridge and jump.

I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a counselor. So people can't say I didn't try.

I wrote a book I hope to post the day before I attempt.

If there was some alternate means, of taking out huge loans to fund education or military service I would take them.

I always come to this choice of suicide or an incredibly miserable life. Like I either have to be homeless or I have to fight for my life everyday at work.

I'm very tired. I have a little brother I'll be sad to leave, but I can't continue to fight anymore, to only experience suffering.

I managed one semester of school.
Community College, I took five classes and got five a's while working part time. I'm proud of that, but it's all I had left you know.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Please don't do it. Please call the suicide helpline.
 
Admiral Woofington

Admiral Woofington

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
14,892
First off don't do it OP. You have so much to live for. Think about your little brother who loves you. Think of everybody else who does. I know it's tough, but it can get better.

Having said that, where do you live that you considered the military and a future in getting education is not an option?
 
Fridaynightcatlady

Fridaynightcatlady

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,593
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Do you have anyone to talk to? Anyone to call? I'm PMing you right now if you need someone to talk to.

Don't give up on life! Go after that education, you're definitely on the right track! You're definitely trying, and that is great! Is more than what a lot of people do to achieve what they want, and you're definitely on your way to achieve those things! What are you passionate about? What are you looking forward in the future?
 
SOBOSLDR

SOBOSLDR

Member
Nov 27, 2017
566
Think about your family, they are gonna hate u if you end it. Your little bro is gonna be sad and upset he never gets to chill with you again. He will most likely resent you forever. Also u are proposing a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's not like you get a do over button. You will be falling from that bridge thinking wait wait!
 
Bio

Bio

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
3,370
Denver, Colorado
I can definitely empathize, OP. Life can be really fucking unfair a lot of the time. I once slept in my car for months after the economy crashed and I found myself unemployed for over a year, and my ex spent the first 8 years of our son's life trying not only to take him away from me forever, but destroy any positive relationship we had during the times when I was able to see him. She was physically and emotionally abusive to all of her kids, not just my son, and enjoyed it. She is severely mentally ill and it felt like being trapped in a nightmare, trying to get someone from Department of Child Protection and Permanency to see this; for years they claimed they had no reason to even talk to her. Some days I got through all the pain and misery by fighting hard, but some days I did little more than exist and wonder why, because it didn't seem worth it. I was stuck in New Jersey, without any friends or family, and my only reason for being there (my son) was so often taken away from me for months at a time.

But I am very, very glad I kept going. I eventually got a new job, one that paid wonderfully, and got back on my feet and got my career back on track. My son's mother eventually was investigated by DCPP, then tried to poison her own daughter (no one really understands the logic behind that decision, but she's not exactly a rational person), the children were removed by DCPP and within 24 hours I had full custody of my son. Within 90 days that determination was made permanent and a few months later I was able to take my son home to Colorado. If I hadn't been there, there's no telling where my son would be today.

Sometimes life is brutally painful, and it hurts just to be here, alive. I know that. I also know that hurt doesn't last forever. I don't have any answers for how you can fix your specific problems, and I won't bullshit you and say it will be easy or immediate to do so, but you can get to a better place. You really can, you just have to hang on.

Please hang on, OP. It will get better, eventually <3
 
W-00

W-00

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,451
Please don't kill yourself.

Even if you lose your job (why are you convinced you will?) is unemployment not an option? Can't you ask anyone for help finding a new job?

Surely it would take some time after losing your job to actually become homeless. That gives you time to find a better path than suicide. At least wait until you've expended every other option. But even then, please don't.
 
Bio

Bio

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
3,370
Denver, Colorado
SOBOSLDR said:
Think about your family, they are gonna hate u if you end it. Your little bro is gonna be sad and upset he never gets to chill with you again. He will most likely resent you forever. Also u are proposing a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's not like you get a do over button. You will be falling from that bridge thinking wait wait!
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

His family is not going to hate him, wtf. Don't say shit like that. Just don't.
 
m4st4

m4st4

Banned
Oct 28, 2017
5,505
Don't. Your little brother is enough of a reason not to, for starters. You're too young and too smart for that.
 
JK-Money

JK-Money

Attempt to circumvent a ban with an alt account
Banned
Oct 27, 2017
2,558
I'm sorry your going through this, but think there are people in this world who have it worse than you. Thats not going to bring you comfort but at least some perspective. Go tlak to someone and work on yourself a little bit all while finding a job as well. You can do it OP I believe in you.
 
killdatninja

killdatninja

Member
Oct 26, 2017
623
You're letting your fear define you OP. Who cares if you're going to lose your job, everyone loses a job at some point and it's a very scary moment but it will at some point pass. Maybe don't settle for a restaurant/fast food job anymore, that shit is stressing you out. I hope you reconsider your decision.

It feels more rewarding beating game on hard difficulty than breezing through it on easy. Life has thrown some shit your way, but if you ever get that book published, you'll feel that you're not as tired as you're feeling now.
 
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