Don't give up on people. You're not alone, OP. Look at all the people in this thread, complete strangers, that wants to talk to you and wishes you the best. I wish I could give you actual advice/treatment, but I know nothing. But there are people out there that can and want, be it professionals, survivors or just smart decent people.
Nor should you. You should get treatment. If you break your bone, you go to a doctor. If you don't, you'll probably be miserable. Same thing when you break your mind. Nothing wrong or shameful about either. We're human. We break sometimes.
28 is pretty young, you have loads left to live for. Ending things wont make it better, it just stops you from being able to turn it round. Just think, this point right now, this is as low as you can go, things will start to get better from tomorrow. Just focus on small things, little things you can do to make shit better. Eat a cupcake, play a game you love, wathc a good movie, watch a shit movie. Then think about the next 1 thing you can do that would bring even the slightest bit of enjoyment and keep going and keep going until you are building a life of enjoyment doing things you love. Relationships will come from that because you will find people that enjoy the same shit as you do. You can lead a happy life, just focus on 1 thing at a time.
Grades dont mean shit. Its just a bit of paper to say someone paid attention one time. You are in a position at the moment where you can literally do anything. Failing helps us learn. Nothing you do can make you feel worse than you do now so just go for it.
Uncancel that appointment. Give it a shot, please. Also, fuck your neighbors. I'd bet most of us here have had shitty neighbours, and some of those definitely deserve being yelled at. Fuck 'em.
How would your nephew feel if you left the land of the living?
You're gonna hurt him if you end up killing yourself, no matter how. It will end up hurting for him for the rest of his life.
Darth Vader also has a moment of redemption that literally turns the tide for his son when all hope was lost. That redemptive moment changed his entire legacy. You're in a unique position as an uncle, Gummy, because you may be the one your nephew turns to for hope when things don't go right - and you'd know a thing or two about things not going right, based on what I'm reading. I can't even begin to imagine the pain your nephew would feel, your little best friend, if he heard his uncle died.
In ten years your nephew might find himself exactly where you are right now - at the end of his tether - and he would wish for nothing more than to talk to you, and you would be the person to talk him down. Imagine if you weren't there for him to reach out to?
I don't mean to be harsh, but you cant know that. I know people who had everything until they were in their 40s then lost everything and went down the saddest path. Conversely know people who came from backgrounds of abject abuse and came back swinging in their 30s. And everything in between.
There's nothing I can say to this except that I'm sorry - and that you are STILL not alone in that experience. Many people can empathise and help you get through this. To boot, life does change for a lot of people.
If you die he won't be okay. He won't. That's just your disease trying to rationalize and downplay the dark shit in your head and what it brings with it. He may not have an abusive dad, but then he wouldn't have a supportive uncle either. You are seriously underestimating your importance, to him and in general. Which isn't your fault, it's all part of the package when you're depressed, but it has to be pointed out nevertheless.
