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Roommates and Relationships

Deleted member 18025

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
1,583
Anyone ever have this issue with dating and living with a roommate? I try to respect boundaries but we are not on the same page.

My girlfriend spends the nights with me and I invite her over to hang with me over the weekend. She is usually over when he's at work so that wouldn't be a problem.

My roommate gets bothered about her staying here and wants her to chip in for rent.

I argue with him about it and he declares it's not okay to have her stay anymore.

We both pay rent 50/50, so that bothers me more that he thinks he can control what goes on.

Definitely needed to vent that out.
 

Deleted member 9306

Self-requested temporary ban
Banned
Oct 26, 2017
962
Sorry OP, but I'm with your roommate here. If she's over that much then she's basically a third roommate.

Why not move out and find a place to live with your girlfriend if you need to see her this often?
 

Deleted member 68874

Account closed at user request
Banned
May 10, 2020
10,441
The fact its gotten to this point probably means there is a 95% chance that she is over too much.

I'm with your roommate. Assuming that your roommate works Mon-Fri this would mean she is constantly over when he has his days off.

Why dont you start staying at your girlfriend's place?
 
darz1

darz1

Member
Dec 18, 2017
7,148
Yeah it really depends, is she there sometimes or does she basically live there too?
 
OP
OP

Deleted member 18025

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
1,583
I already covered the internet bill and that's a flat rate. Electric bill gone up $10. That's how this argument started.

She's there at most 4 days a week. The nights that she's there is mostly just to sleep. Rarely ever showers at my place.
 

Zyae

Prophet of Truth
Banned
Mar 17, 2020
2,057
Are you leaving our the part where your roommate is annoyed that your GF eats food that they buy and uses house hold goods that he buys on a weekly basis.
 
Absoludacrous

Absoludacrous

One Winged Slayer
The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
3,218
I would just pay the extra $10 a month and not worry about the rest. Unless she's hanging out when you're not there or getting into his things, your roommate shouldn't get a say in who or how often you have people over. If it bothers him that much you guys can just part ways when the lease is up.
 
Addie

Addie

One Winged Slayer
Member
Oct 25, 2017
8,928
DFW
Does your girlfriend also live with a roommate, and that's why you don't sleep at her place?
 

Deleted member 33533

Banned
Nov 17, 2017
12,864
FreshCakes said:
I already covered the internet bill and that's a flat rate. Electric bill gone up $10. That's how this argument started.

She's there at most 4 days a week. The nights that she's there is mostly just to sleep. Rarely ever showers at my place.
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Do you ever go over to her place instead? 4 out of 7 days is a lot. It's more than half the week! It can seem like even more if she stays consecutive days. At some point, it does start to feel like you have two roommates instead of one. You can easily fix this without seeing your girlfriend less if you split the time she spends at your place with times you stay at hers instead.

Another thing. Do you inform your roommate when your girlfriend is coming over?
 
Draconis

Draconis

Member
Oct 28, 2017
568
My own personal take on this:

If I had a room mate who was bringing over their Significant other, and they weren't disturbing my sleep, eating my food, or trying to give my cat a mohawk, or get drugged out and get high and put my own tenancy as risk, I could care less.

If they can do it, so can I. All things should be equal, and agreed to.

I would be of the mindset that both can equally bring their SO's over. Sleeping the night is not that big of a deal. Being there to crash because you were there late and don't want your SO to be at risk of a crash from falling asleep on the way home is understandable. Things like this.


Unless there is an issue where your Girlfriend is taking up Food, Electricity, and is actually causing the bills to become higher by being there and utilizing the same space and items, no big deal.


But then again, I grew up dirt fucking poor. And I was raised to be understanding and not a greedy fucking prick with my hand out, and to help people when needed. I'm kind of old fashioned in that regard though and tend to try to look towards understanding and the well-being of my fellows.

So yeah, long and short of it. Unless she's causing bills to rise significantly herself, IMO, no big deal unless she's couch surfing basically 24/7 and has practically moved in herself.
 

Zyae

Prophet of Truth
Banned
Mar 17, 2020
2,057
Your roommate cannot legally restrict people you invite to your apartment but he can start restricting you and your girlfriend from using his property within the apartment or using or eating things that he buys. There's definitely more to this story
 
OP
OP

Deleted member 18025

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
1,583
I offered to pay the internet, which we both agreed. Saves him $40 a month.

Now he is complaining about this again after the $10 increase in electric. Bought it up to him again that we both agreed on the internet bill.

She mostly eats my snacks that I get and doesn't stay here when both of us are not home.

I don't know I need to sleep on this. Feels like I'm not thinking rationally. Needed to let it out.
 

Exilexc

Banned
Nov 1, 2017
252
I think he is just tired of living with you having her over. Are you always in the common area when she comes over or in your room?

Also, who cares what he thinks. Pay your rent. Track your payments. Have your girl over when you want. If that's not good enough... find a new roommate.
 
DSN2K

DSN2K

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,289
United Kingdom
I live with 2 other people, one is live in Landlord, Shes fine with me having partners over but no more then 2-3 days in a row unless agreed upon what I think is totally fair. if Somebody is basically staying there 4 days out of 7 they are not just guests. I make your landlord correct.
 
OP
OP

Deleted member 18025

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
1,583
Exilexc said:
I think he is just tired of living with you having her over. Are you always in the common area when she comes over or in your room?

Also, who cares what he thinks. Pay your rent. Track your payments. Have your girl over when you want. If that's not good enough... find a new roommate.
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Honestly that's how I feel at the moment.. We both work opposite shifts. I mainly only see him on weekends.

We literally just hang in my room.
 
henhowc

henhowc

Member
Oct 26, 2017
33,954
Los Angeles, CA
Its probably not really about the bills.

Even if you're just in your room, having people over makes some people feel uncomfortable in their own living space.
 
RPGam3r

RPGam3r

Member
Oct 27, 2017
13,750
Is she living there, as in cooking/showering? Or is just crashing there?

If it's the latter then I would say nothing needs to be paid for or split with her. My wife used to live about an hour away when we were dating. I would crash there 3 or 4 days a week at times just to avoid driving at night. I would have laughed my ass off if asked to pay.
 
Absoludacrous

Absoludacrous

One Winged Slayer
The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
3,218
SuperiorTrashTalk said:
Do you ever go over to her place instead? 4 out of 7 days is a lot. It's more than half the week! It can seem like even more if she stays consecutive days. At some point, it does start to feel like you have two roommates instead of one. You can easily fix this without seeing your girlfriend less if you split the time she spends at your place with times you stay at hers instead.

Another thing. Do you inform your roommate when your girlfriend is coming over?
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4 days a week really isn't that much when someone is in a serious relationship. You can't even divide time between two places without one of them getting 4.

I've lived with a bunch of people who had significant others (and had some myself), and it's never once been an issue. They go into their room and do whatever, who cares? It never changed anything that I was doing.

I honestly think the roommate just hates the girlfriend for reasons that may or may not be justified, given the lack of details.
 
Okabe

Okabe

Is Sometimes A Good Bean
Member
Aug 24, 2018
20,233
FreshCakes said:
She's there at most 4 days a week.
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FilthyIdolizedIntermediateegret-small.gif


That's a lot of days so I don't blame your roommate for wanting her to chip in at all
 
Mindfreak191

Mindfreak191

Member
Dec 2, 2017
4,818
My then girlfriend used to stay over 3 times a week, it annoyed my then roommate so much that I decided to move out and rent out a room at the same place my girlfriend was living at, practically making it "us moving in together" even though we were dating just 5 months at that point. Fast forward 4 years, I'm married to that girl and we're renting a nice place. Now that I think about it, my roommate was right, as soon as someone is sleeping over more than 3 times a week it's not a "visitor" situation anymore. I'm sure there would be a similar issue if you were to stay over at her place 4 days a week, her roommates would say something. Try to split it, she stays 2 days at your place and you stay at hers 2 days a week, either that or get married lol.
 

Deleted member 22630

Member
Oct 28, 2017
10,000
Think of it like this she's staying over a collective of 24*2=48=2 days for the weekend * 4=8 for the month + 8*2=16 hours*4=64=2days and 2/3. So conservatively she's over for collectively 10 2/3 days out of a 28 day month + [16hours,2days8 hours]=realistically and worse case range for 30, 31 day month is [11 1/3, 13] days out of the month collectively so appromately one week and half to almost two weeks.
 
Absoludacrous

Absoludacrous

One Winged Slayer
The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
3,218
excelsiorlef said:
I mean this requires them to be spending every night together

Which means they essentially live together so maybe... do that
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You don't typically break leases to move in with another person.

Plus that's still taking a relationship to another level, even if you're practically doing it anyway. It's a lot easier to break up with someone when you aren't sharing a lease with them.
 

Deleted member 86105

Banned
Nov 18, 2020
1,408
OP, you pay for equal access to an apartment. When a third person joins into the mix, it creates an imbalance that should be rectified by you paying a higher share of the rent.

Your roommate feels increasingly inconvenienced by your GF sleeping over. Like maybe she's in the living room or bathroom when your roommate wants to be in there. Or maybe she eats your roommate's food. It can get very annoying to have a third wheel who's always in the apartment without contributing in any way.
 

Deleted member 8118

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 26, 2017
3,639
Bro, it's either you move out and find a place with her or you cut down the amount you see her at your place.

4 days a week? If I were your roommate I'd be saying the same shit. In fact, I had a roommate in college that was doing similar things that you were doing. We were sharing a room and he'd have his girlfriend over all weekend or just randomly without even telling me, locking me out of the room, etc. I was paying $1,700 a month for the place. They were blasting the TV while I was sleep, making noise and then having sex in the same room as me while I tried to sleep.

Wanted to break the kid's face open.

Honestly, fuck that, I know exactly where your roommate is coming from.
 
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excelsiorlef

excelsiorlef

Bad Praxis
Member
Oct 25, 2017
73,561
Absoludacrous said:
You don't typically break leases to move in with another person.

Plus that's still taking a relationship to another level, even if you're practically doing it anyway. It's a lot easier to break up with someone when you aren't sharing a lease with them.
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Then deal with the consequences of pissing off roommates
 
Fleck0

Fleck0

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,457
FreshCakes said:
She mostly eats my snacks that I get.
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You said mostly... so I think your roommate is getting annoyed for several reasons that may be petty, but they aren't wrong.

I would pay the extra $10 at least if you want to have her around that much. I don't think you're doing anything wrong but if she's there that often you should capitulate a little.

Don't rock the boat with roommates.
 
TheCthultist

TheCthultist

Member
Oct 27, 2017
8,459
New York
FreshCakes said:
Honestly that's how I feel at the moment.. We both work opposite shifts. I mainly only see him on weekends.

We literally just hang in my room.
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Somehow I don't think skimming over all the other posts to go with the one that matches your own thinking on the matter is the best way to go when asking for advice.... but whatever.

Basically, if she's staying over that often anyway, you two might as well just move in together somewhere.
 
RM8

RM8

Member
Oct 28, 2017
7,916
JP
Having a roommate means you're already giving up some privacy, so adding a third person (who your roommate doesn't really even know that well) can feel invasive and unfair.

That being said, I was actually in your roommate's shoes for almost a year until recently. I was annoyed at first, but she's actually pretty chill and sometimes cooked / bought food for both of us. In the end it was no big deal and I'm glad I didn't confront my roomie, who I really appreciate even after we both moved out.
 
OP
OP

Deleted member 18025

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
1,583
Absoludacrous said:
True, I wouldn't renew a lease with this roommate after all this, but I'm still on the side that it's not that big of a deal unless there's some details we don't know yet, like she eats his food or spits on his pillows or something.
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Right?

I have a master bedroom so all she does is use my bathroom. When she eats it's always my food and she cleans up.
 
DeliciousSunnyD!

DeliciousSunnyD!

Member
Oct 31, 2017
9,664
I don't think it's so much the money, it's the fact that it kind of sounds like he has 1.5 roommates instead of just one, and that 1 roommate (you) wholly benefits from this extra roommate. That it's a psychological, personal space thing. That he agreed to and signed up for a roommate to live with, but not a roommate who has a significant other over 4 days out of the week. In a given month, that translates to roughly ~18 days that a second, non-liable, not financially responsible roommate lives in the space that was legally defined between 2 people.

I know if I had a roommate and they stayed in the place a majority of the time, and then in another huge portion of the time that they were in the space they also had another person with them who was barely contributing anything to their time spent in the rented space (other than attention to their partner), then I'd be kind of annoyed too honestly.

I'd also probably be asking for her to either help cover more of the bills some how (food, rent, something) -or- I'd suggest that you go to her place and the two of you should share your time more evenly split/less in the shared rented space to better balance the amount of personal time your roommate gets of the place.

It kind of sounds like he feels like the space is much less his (even though it's 50-50).
 
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