Parent-Era: Ever had a visit from CPS because you yell at your kid?

[carlsojo]

Today my daughter and I were paid a visit by two lovely ladies from Child Protective Services. They informed me that they had gotten an anonymous call because my wife and I had been heard yelling at our daughter.

At this point my brain shut down a bit. Like .. of course we yell at her when she's in trouble? I explained that typically we will talk to her/explain/redirect but when she's continuously breaking the rules yes we will yell at her or threaten to yell. There was a whole interview that followed and they explained that yelling is emotional abuse and can slow down a child's development.

Meanwhile my daughter is an amazing little girl who just got moved up to "big class" because she's smart and incredible. Now I've apparently been emotionally abusing her because I yell at her when she's in trouble? I'm so upset. Like am I going to lose my kid now? Do I need to call a lawyer?

My wife was still at work so that was a fun call to make informing her that CPS had stopped by.

I really just want to vent because I'm so upset and terrified about anything happening to my daughter.

 

[Seesaw15]

I need more info. Like do you live in an apartment with thin walls? How loud/often are you yelling at your daughter that someone thought it made sense to call CPS on you?

Yelling at your kid to not run into incoming traffic/touch an open flame is fine but if that is your go to method for everything it may be a bit too much. There are other ways to discipline your kids/show you're serious.

 

[Speevy]

As a teacher, I can tell you that in my experience, it's hard to get DFACS to do anything. But they shouldn't have visited you because you yelled at her.

 

[nsilvias]

nosy neighbors report you and cps has to take it seriously even if its just something minor

 

[amon37]

That seems like quite the overreaction on someone's part.

 

[Speevy]

I need more info. Like do you live in an apartment with thin walls? How loud/often are you yelling at your daughter that someone thought it made sense to call CPS on you?

Yelling at your kid to not run into incoming traffic/touch an open flame is fine but if that is your go to method for everything it may be a bit too much. There are other ways to discipline your kids/show you're serious.

Click to shrink...

I don't mean any disrespect, but there are children in this country being sexually abused, living in absolute filth with no reliable source of food or clothing. These are the sorts of cases these people should be investigating.

 

[Verelios]

CPS isn't going to do anything other than waste your time, it's fine OP.

 

[carlsojo]

I need more info. Like do you live in an apartment with thin walls? How loud/often are you yelling at your daughter that someone thought it made sense to call CPS on you?

Yelling at your kid to not run into incoming traffic/touch an open flame is fine but if that is your go to method for everything it may be a bit too much. There are other ways to discipline your kids/show you're serious.

Click to shrink...

It's a townhouse with our neighbors sharing a wall on either side and we leave our windows open.

And yes as I said in the OP I will talk to her and redirect first.

 

[SteveWinwood]

People keep their kids for doing a whole lot worse so I think you'll be okay.

Are you going to keep yelling at her after this though?

I'm not going to tell you how to raise your kid (okay I guess I kind of am) but I will say that yelling will never accomplish anything you think it will. It will just scare them and make them anxious. It will make them fear you and not the consequences of actions. It's an objectively poor way to discipline.

Of course there are so many worse things so it makes it seem much more "okay" but it's still not great. I'm sure you love her a lot and this is a good chance to show her that by working on changing your future actions.

 

[Tapiozona]

I feel like parts of the story are missing. While CPS is just doing their job and you can't fault them they usually don't come knocking for simply yelling. that doesn't mean you did more than that but the report must have been something more even if it was bullshit and wrong. My wife worked for CPS for quite a while so I'm basically quoting her.

Edit: never mind, apparently I misunderstood her. CPS is legally obligated to investigate every single report even the fake ones. That doesn't mean they will pay you a visit however.

 

[Siggy-P]

Well... How often do you yell OP?

And what do you yell?

 

[Nights]

I wouldn't take it super personally. You should be fine. As someone who was yelled at for the smallest things as a kid and that has affected me a lot as an adult, I can understand why a neighbor may have been worried for your child, but just keep in mind they were just looking out for your child, even if they jumped the gun a bit.

If shouting is a daily or even bi-daily thing that can be problematic, but if its once a week, once every few weeks, it seems like normal parenting to me.

Edit, I do agree with SteveWinwood though. Yelling really shouldn't be a go to method of parenting IMHO. There's other ways to scold or punish a child.

 

[Kuro]

I feel like parts of the story are missing. While CPS is just doing their job and you can't fault them they usually don't come knocking for simply yelling. that doesn't mean you did more than that but the report must have been something more even if it was bullshit and wrong. My wife worked for CPS for quite a while so I'm basically quoting her.

Click to shrink...

If OP isn't white, could be racist ass neighbors making shit up.

 

[carlsojo]

People keep their kids for doing a whole lot worse so I think you'll be okay.

Are you going to keep yelling at her after this though?

I'm not going to tell you how to raise your kid (okay I guess I kind of am) but I will say that yelling will never accomplish anything you think it will. It will just scare them and make them anxious. It will make them fear you and not the consequences of actions. It's an objectively poor way to discipline.

Of course there are so many worse things so it makes it seem much more "okay" but it's still not great. I'm sure you love her a lot and this is a good chance to show her that by working on changing your future actions.

Click to shrink...

Yes I plan on yelling at my daughter when she's in trouble. Yelling is the last resort when she's not listening/ignored redirection.

I feel like parts of the story are missing. While CPS is just doing their job and you can't fault them they usually don't come knocking for simply yelling. that doesn't mean you did more than that but the report must have been something more even if it was bullshit and wrong. My wife worked for CPS for quite a while so I'm basically quoting her.

Click to shrink...

It was all they told me.

 

[Deleted member 15737]

I think that's an overreaction (depending on what you say when you yell, and how often it is). But still seems like a great time to implement a change.

 

[Deleted member 4976]

I don't mean any disrespect, but there are children in this country being sexually abused, living in absolute filth with no reliable source of food or clothing. These are the sorts of cases these people should be investigating.

Click to shrink...

How would CPS or someone else distinguish something like that vs something like this presumably where the only point of reference is yelling others are hearing through walls?

 

[astro]

If you're yelling loud enough for the neighbours to call them, you're probably yelling too loudly.

You don't need to yell.

 

[Seesaw15]

I don't mean any disrespect, but there are children in this country being sexually abused, living in absolute filth with no reliable source of food or clothing. These are the sorts of cases these people should be investigating.

Click to shrink...

If someone (misguided or not) calls and says "I think a kid is being verbally abused" I don't think the CPS agent will say "well actually there are children in this country being sexually abused, living in absolute filth with no reliable source of food or clothing." and hang up.

 

[carlsojo]

Well... How often do you yell OP?

And what do you yell?

Click to shrink...

I've never really thought about how often. She's generally very well behaved. She smacked my wife in the face in the park last week and I didn't yell, just sat down and explained how she was grounded and she had to do better, etc.

I don't swear at her when I yell or say mean things if that's what you mean.

If OP isn't white, could be racist ass neighbors making shit up.

Click to shrink...

I'm hella white.

 

[morningbus]

Yes I plan on yelling at my daughter when she's in trouble. Yelling is the last resort when she's not listening/ignored redirection.



It was all they told me.

Click to shrink...

You're really going to have to start defining what trouble means here. Your story is surprisingly guarded.

 

[carlsojo]

If you're yelling loud enough for the neighbours to call them, you're probably yelling too loudly.

You don't need to yell.

Click to shrink...

Okay Astro.

 

[Speevy]

If someone (misguided or not) calls and says "I think a kid is being verbally abused" I don't think the CPS agent will say "well actually there are children in this country being sexually abused, living in absolute filth with no reliable source of food or clothing." and hang up.

Click to shrink...

Well no, but they will tell on the mandated reporter and make light of it to the parent.

 

[SugarNoodles]

Are you yelling because you need to get her attention right that instant or are you yelling because you're angry/you want to punish her?

 

[Speevy]

How would CPS or someone else distinguish something like that vs something like this presumably where the only point of reference is yelling others are hearing through walls?

Click to shrink...

Well unless what is being yelled is "I'm going to beat the shit out of you." which in that case I doubt this thread would have been made, I think the neighbor is overreacting.

Of course I'm not an advocate of raising your voice to children, bu the disingenuous "We don't ever yell." parenting class that this thread is becoming is something else.

 

[astro]

Okay Astro.

Click to shrink...

That's fairly basic logic mate, you really getting defensive about this?

Don't yell so loudly and the neighvours won't make that call.

And you do not need to yell to teach your child.

 

[Seesaw15]

It's a townhouse with our neighbors sharing a wall on either side and we leave our windows open.

And yes as I said in the OP I will talk to her and redirect first.

Click to shrink...

Sounds like you just have some overly proactive neighbors then. You should be fine if this is your only problem

 

[M. Wallace]

Should have called the police on CPS, told them strangers are at your door.

 

[Siggy-P]

I don't swear at her when I yell or say mean things if that's what you mean.

Click to shrink...

I'm not implying you're abusive but if you're gonna make a topic about being accused of being abusive and reported to CPS, you're gonna have to be a little bit more specific.

Cus you're not describing exactly what you say to her and by your account it could reasonably be inferred that you yell at her regularly.

Not saying you are but you need to be more specific.

Of course I'm not an advocate of raising your voice to children, bu the disingenuous "We don't ever yell." parenting class that this thread is something else.

Click to shrink...

I'll tell you right now that being screamed at on the regular (not implying the OP does this) for any perceived slight by your parents absolutely fucks you up as an adult.

 

[carlsojo]

That's fairly basic logic mate, you really getting defensive about this?

Don't yell so loudly and the neighvours won't make that call.

And you do not need to yell to teach your child.

Click to shrink...

I said okay. I'm really going to think about how much I yell at her and try to do it less.

 

[Jon Carter]

I will say that yelling will never accomplish anything you think it will. It will just scare them and make them anxious. It will make them fear you and not the consequences of actions. It's an objectively poor way to discipline.

Click to shrink...

I've been wondering about this. My son is just 16 months old so it's not really been an issue much, but there were a couple of times where my wife yelled at him when he did something wrong and his reaction just broke my heart. It looked like he thought his mom didn't love him anymore. My wife and my family members argue you have to be strict when they do something wrong, but for me I feel like he's obviously doing it without realizing why it's wrong, so is yelling at him really going to make him understand he shouldn't be doing it? I don't think my wife was necessarily out of line, but I never yell at him and I wonder if I'm being too soft or if I'm correct in thinking that yelling won't achieve what my wife thinks it will.

 

[carlsojo]

I'm not implying you're abusive but if you're gonna make a topic about being accused of being abusive and reported to CPS, you're gonna have to be a little bit more specific.

Cus you're not describing exactly what you say to her and by your account it could reasonably be inferred that you yell at her regularly.



I'll tell you right now that being screamed at on the regular (not implying the OP does this) for any perceived slight by your parents absolutely fucks you up as an adult.

Click to shrink...

I'm trying not to be vague, I really am. I didn't think I yelled that often and I can't even think of what I really specifically say when I do yell.

I certainly don't scream, I don't think I have the voice for that.

 

[Deleted member 4976]

Well unless what is being yelled is "I'm going to beat the shit out of you." which in that case I doubt this thread would have been made, I think the neighbor is overreacting.

Of course I'm not an advocate of raising your voice to children, bu the disingenuous "We don't ever yell." parenting class that this thread is becoming something else.

Click to shrink...

I'm not advocating a "Don't yell" class, I just think the real world isn't as clear cut.

Yelling through walls can be muffled, what you hear inconsistent. If you are reporting constant yelling, that is often muffled, it's obviously not based on the full picture.

This stuff never is. That's why it's under reported. Sure, it could be just dickish neighbors. But it could also just be neighbors, with incomplete information, who thought they were doing the right thing.

You can't seperate the two, and ask CPS to go after only one set of extreme situations, because that's unreasonable to ask for in the real world.

 

[Deleted member 8257]

Of course I'm not an advocate of raising your voice to children, bu the disingenuous "We don't ever yell." parenting class that this thread is becoming is something else.

Click to shrink...

Will probably change once they have kids of their own

 

[Speevy]

I'll tell you right now that being screamed at on the regular (not implying the OP does this) for any perceived slight by your parents absolutely fucks you up as an adult.

Click to shrink...

Trust me. I know. I just think that we run the risk of dogpiling on the OP for admitting to something that many, most, or nearly all parents do at one time or another. The fact that CPS was called runs the risk of us conflating the OP with some sort of child abuser, which I don't think is the right way to have this thread go, is it?

 

[I_D]

CPS has to take every single claim seriously. It's not their fault. They're just doing their job.

Yelling isn't the way to go either, though.
A normal-volume reprimand is just as effective as a yelling-reprimand, especially with children. Yelling probably makes the result less effective, honestly.

If you honestly haven't been yelling, your neighbors are a bit fishy.
If you have been yelling, consider changing your tactics a bit.

Of course I'm not an advocate of raising your voice to children, but the disingenuous "We don't ever yell." parenting class that this thread is becoming is something else.

Click to shrink...

Those two bits don't mesh very well.

It's really easy to not raise your voice to children. They're just kids. No matter how much they scream and cry and whatnot, raising your own volume doesn't help.

That goes for adult-confrontations as well, by the way.

 

[echoshifting]

I'll just say that sounds like a fucking awful experience op, sorry that happened to you and your kid.

 

[molnizzle]

How old is the kid?

What specifically are you "yelling" at her for, and what are you saying?

 

[RDreamer]

Yeah, yelling at your kid definitely isn't recommended. Yelling so loud your neighbors can hear and call CPS? That seems a bit much.

 

[carlsojo]

CPS has to take every single claim seriously. It's not their fault. They're just doing their job.

Yelling isn't the way to go either, though.
A normal-volume reprimand is just as effective as a yelling-reprimand, especially with children. Yelling probably makes the result less effective, honestly.

If you honestly haven't been yelling, your neighbors are a bit fishy.
If you have been yelling, consider changing your tactics a bit.

Click to shrink...

I don't blame them at all. I'm just really, really upset now.

 

[Seesaw15]

Of course I'm not an advocate of raising your voice to children, bu the disingenuous "We don't ever yell." parenting class that this thread is becoming is something else.

Click to shrink...

I don't think that's happening. We're just trying to understand if OP is yelling at their kid so often that the neighbors felt they needed to step in or they called at the first opportunity/had a vendetta against OP. Yelling every once in a while is "fine" but if you're doing it 7 days a week thats a lot.

Edit: Also, what are people defining as "yelling" are we talking a raised, stern voice or actually screaming?

 

[Deleted member 19844]

Yes I plan on yelling at my daughter when she's in trouble. Yelling is the last resort when she's not listening/ignored redirection.



It was all they told me.

Click to shrink...

Out of curiosity, why not give consequences for ignoring you rather than yelling?

 

[astro]

I know parents who would never yell at their child, just don't have it in them. My mother yelled at us and I don't blame her for it. Different people have different composure and approach.

I said okay. I'm really going to think about how much I yell at her and try to do it less.

Click to shrink...

Okay thanks for clarifying, the short reply came across as sarcasm.

You're the only person here who knows how often, how loud, etc... if you think it's resonable and your neighbours are being unfair, you already know that.

If you think you might have taken it too far somehow, then this was a good nudge to make you consider it.

 

[ShapeDePapa]

I yell at my kids sometimes when they won't sleep and they're jumping on their beds and playing with their toys 1h after they're supposed to be sleeping. :(:(:(

I try not to though. I hate when I have to be all mean and ground them.

 

[I_D]

I don't blame them at all. I'm just really, really upset now.

Click to shrink...

Don't let it phase you. If you're doing a good job, you're doing a good job. That's all there is to it.

I've had to call CPS a ton of times (due to my profession). 99% of the time, it's nothing. If you're truly not doing anything untoward, you're perfectly fine and this will all blow over like nothing happened.

 

[fleet]

I've been wondering about this. My son is just 16 months old so it's not really been an issue much, but there were a couple of times where my wife yelled at him when he did something wrong and his reaction just broke my heart. It looked like he thought his mom didn't love him anymore. My wife and my family members argue you have to be strict when they do something wrong, but for me I feel like he's obviously doing it without realizing why it's wrong, so is yelling at him really going to make him understand he shouldn't be doing it? I don't think my wife was necessarily out of line, but I never yell at him and I wonder if I'm being too soft or if I'm correct in thinking that yelling won't achieve what my wife thinks it will.

Click to shrink...

i agree with you. people who yell aren't necessarily bad parents, and we all do it from time to time cause no ones perfect. but what does it actually achieve? example, if you accidentally fucked up at work, or you were caught being lazy at work, and your boss yelled at you, would you feel motivated and encouraged to do the right thing? or would you feel pressured to do the right thing because you were scared, and resentful towards your boss. it's the same thing with kids.

 

[Speevy]

Those two bits don't mesh very well.

It's really easy to not raise your voice to children. They're just kids. No matter how much they scream and cry and whatnot, raising your own volume doesn't help.

That goes for adult-confrontations as well, by the way.

Click to shrink...

I'm a teacher. I have to mind my interactions with more children than most people. What I'm saying is that I understand the difference between abuse and losing your temper. Children know they've got your number after the first few screams, especially when you're a teddy bear like I am.

I'm just saying we need to take the OP at his word and understand that perhaps he is just like us. How many posters in this topic have been like "Yeah I yelled at my son a lot but I had to stop."

Now do you reckon that's a forthright account of parenting?

 

[JeTmAn]

Everyone loses their temper with their kid sometimes, though I would say if yelling is a frequent way of interacting with your kid you might want to do some self examination. It's really best to be as patient as you can.

We got a visit from CPS literally the day after we brought our daughter home from being born in the hospital. The nurses were really nasty there and apparently one of them decided to report us. Said they thought we might be developmentally delayed, I kid you not. I am a software engineer with a masters degree and my wife is not some dummy either. I think its because we sound impaired when we wear our mouth guards, lol.

 

[Instant Vintage]

My kid is 5 today.

My wife and I certainly don't yell...often. There have been times (attempting to cross the street without looking, trying to grab a hot plate, etc), but for the majority of our time when it comes to discipline, we talk to him on his level (same height, lowered voice).

I would never tell you or any parent how to raise their child. Ever. While I'm totally not a fan of yelling, I'm even less of a fan of having someone tell me that I'm doing it wrong and that this particular way is the best way to raise a child that they don't know.

You only got a visit from CPS because it's required to have that visit after an anon call. However, I see that you are really conflicted about how to proceed with your daughter and I truly think that's a good thing to process and consider how to move forward.

Kids are a lot smarter than some people give them credit for; even having a regular conversation may change the perspective of both you and your family. I wish you nothing but the best moving forward with her.

 

[Br3wnor]

How CPS operates depends entirely on your state. In NY they'll do an investigation and send you notice that it's either a founded or unfounded incident. Even if it's founded you wouldn't lose your kid but the report would be in you and your wife's file, it would pop up on any background checks that run a child abuse and neglect search, usually teaching jobs or something where you are with kids. If it's unfounded then it will not pop up on your record and should be sealed, but it would be there if CPS ever had to get involved again.

You should get some notice in the mail about what steps they're taking, ultimately you can hire a lawyer to protect yourself but I can't imagine this incident causing you to losing your kid, there usually needs to be some serious abuse for that. Ultimately you're on the states radar though.

I interned for a summer like 7 years ago representing kids in abuse and neglect cases so that's the base of my knowledge at least for NY stuff and I'll admit I'm a bit rusty so I'd research more on my own if I were you.

 

[I_D]

I'm a teacher. I have to mind my interactions with more children than most people. What I'm saying is that I understand the difference between abuse and losing your temper. Children know they've got your number after the first few screams, especially when you're a teddy bear like I am.

I'm just saying we need to take the OP at his word and understand that perhaps he is just like us. How many posters in this topic have been like "Yeah I yelled at my son a lot but I had to stop."

Now do you reckon that's a forthright account of parenting?

Click to shrink...

I am also a teacher.
In all of my years of teaching, never once have I yelled at a student. Literally not once.

I don't see any reason whatsoever to scream at a child, or any person at all, really.
Remaining calm and collected is a much better way to get the point across.

I agree with your point that there's a difference between screaming at a person, and loudly lecturing. The primary question is which one the OP employs.

But my real point is that increasing volume doesn't ever seem to actually help anything, regarding lectures/arguments/debates/etc.