How important are your partner's looks in a relationship to you?

[Vayr]

So I'm making this thread out of curiosity but also to ask for help and for your opinion. For the longest time I would have chosen the last poll option without a second thought but some recent events have challenged my own views and perception of myself.

Last year, my girlfriend broke up with me after 4 years of being together, that was hard and it came with all the usual terrible stages. After a few months, I ended up meeting another woman by chance, who is lovely and super smart. She's a teacher and also an artist, so she makes a bunch more than me but she's not superficial or materialistic at all. She has a great sense of humor, a heart of gold, is into nerdy stuff and it is generally a blast to be around her. To sum things up: I connected with this woman really quickly and I have never done that so easily before.

But here's the problem: she has a lot of health issues and is not physically attractive. We dated for a few months but she had to move away temporarily due to her work, so we kind of grew distant and due to my own internal doubts about the relationship's future, I decided to end things. One of the major things for me was thinking about maybe having children, it's not like I can afford them now anyway, but in the future... who knows. I kept thinking about them also having a lot of health problems and dealing with that for a lifetime.

However, we still keep in touch and she's just as lovely as ever, so I keep second-guessing myself about the whole thing. Am I making a mistake?

 

[Trey]

maybe. you ain't need to point by point cook the person like that in paragraph 3 though lmao

You can just be friends with this person, especially since it sounds much of the appeal is mostly aromantic/asexual in nature. Doubly so since you're recovering from a long term relationship dissolving. It seems she's amicable after you broke things up, and you still enjoy the contact, so you can explore that.

 

[Vayr]

maybe. you ain't need to point by point cook the person like that in paragraph 3 though lmao

Click to shrink...

You're right, sorry, it is probably very insensitive, I edited it out.

 

[Dabanton]

For me, character and physical appearance are equally important.

If my partner doesn't match me looks wise as in we both look good together I'd find it odd. I personally couldn't date anyone I didn't find physically attractive or who wasn't in shape enough for us to enjoy outdoor activities.

Thankfully my partner is both beautiful and has a wonderful character.

 

[stn]

Need to be attracted and need to like their personality, both are equally important. I wouldn't date a girl I was really attracted to if I didn't like her personality, for example.

 

[AgeEighty]

Physical appearance "matters" to me but it's not like I have standards for this. Some people appeal to me, some don't, and it's kind of case by case. But by far what matters most are intelligence, wit, and values.

 

[ajszenk]

Not necessarily equal for me, but if I'm not physically attracted to the person then they're just a really good friend (assuming out personalities line up and we get on well, etc.). The physical attraction is what elavates it to the next tier.

 

[platypotamus]

I kind of went through the opposite journey in my life. I THOUGHT I cared a lot about physical appearance. As a teenager, I used to say that I really disliked short hair on girls, and it was a deal breaker, for example... which was kinda something considering I ran in punk circles!

Then I met my wife, who was a recovering cancer patient and had lost all her hair during chemo. Decided short haired girls could be alright after all.

 

[TrojanAg]

I definitely give character and intelligence a solid edge over physical appearance, even though attraction is important as well.

 

[Yurei]

Attraction (physical appearance) and character are equally important to me in the beginning of any relationship. Arguably it's only about the physical attraction at first then you get to know them later on. I just ended things last week with a woman I was extremely attracted to after learned more about her and discovering she isn't exactly mentally stable.

What gets you to into a relationship is the attraction, what keeps you in one is the character.

 

[DeBurgo]

I guess appearance matters but I'm consistently surprised by who I am and am not actually attracted to, especially after I meet them and spend some time talking to them. I've dated women who are almost objectively hot/attractive and felt nothing for them and I've dated women people who don't look conventionally attractive that I'm down bad for. I've also dated women where I'm like "hey they're okay" and then like halfway through the date I think they're actually disgusting, or they're gross on the second date.

idk it's weird, the chemistry part of that shit is weird man. I think some guys (and women, even) don't get that's a thing which literally drives them nuts and is what leads them down the route of having insane standards for appearance.

 

[Mauricio_Magus]

I care a lot about being healthy(for myself and my partner), but aside of not being overweight and not having an unhealthy lifestyle I don't really care that much.

 

[Judau]

I'll say this...there have been people who weren't physically attractive to me at first, but as I got to know them, they became more and more physically attractive. I attribute this to liking their character more the more I got to know them as a person. I found that the opposite could also be true.

Also, I've been physically attracted to multiple women at once, though I found that the one(s) I saw the most relationship potential with were not necessarily the one(s) that I found the most physically attractive.

 

[Vincent Grayson]

I mean, attraction to my partner is kind of essential to a romantic and sexual relationship.

But like, there are no specific physical attributes that make someone physically attractive to me. And in the vast majority of romantic relationships I've been in, I found my partner more and more attractive over time, regardless of the objective reality of their body changing in ways generally considered to be "less attractive" (weight gain, illness, skin conditions, etc.)

I've never had a relationships where I thought my partner was beautiful, but something changed in regards to their body and I no longer felt that way. It's only ever really changed because something in the relationship changes and attraction wanes for other reasons.

 

[Pirateluigi]

I'll say this...there have been people who weren't physically attractive to me at first, but as I got to know them, they became more and more physically attractive. I attribute this to liking their character more the more I got to know them as a person. I found that the opposite could also be true.

Click to shrink...

This. As I get to know someone more, I find them so much more (or less) attractive

 

[The Albatross]

I can't really vote, I dunno, I was attracted to my wife because of physical/looks, but caame to love her for other things. If some physical accident destroyed her or her looks changed or something, I wouldn't care now. But back when we first started dating...? We started dating because we liked the looks of the other person.

I can't really judge character right away.

I'll say this...there have been people who weren't physically attractive to me at first, but as I got to know them, they became more and more physically attractive. I attribute this to liking their character more the more I got to know them as a person. I found that the opposite could also be true.

Also, I've been physically attracted to multiple women at once, though I found that the one(s) I saw the most relationship potential with were not necessarily the one(s) that I found most physically attractive.

Click to shrink...

Yep, this has happened with me too. Someone who I wasn't into at first, I got to know them better and liked things about them.

 

[Fossora]

I care a lot about being healthy(for myself and my partner), but aside of not being overweight and not having an unhealthy lifestyle I don't really care that much.

Click to shrink...

This is where I stand. My partner never wears make-up & I think she's stunning, but there's been times in the past where I've been bothered by our (but mostly my own) letting ourselves go a little bit too much. We're in a place where we can talk about that stuff & adjust accordingly though without feeling attacked, so we try to keep it under control somewhat. We've always been clean/neat people so it's not like we let ourselves get stinky or anything like that, but the weight can very quickly spiral out of control.

The more I speak to people & the more time I spend with my partner, the more I realise that physical appearance is just the catalyst to get you interested, & that the mental compatibility is what really counts. I find myself far more aroused by conversation than I do appearance, & if I were to find myself in a situation where I had permission to do more than just be a degenerate on the internet, I'd pick an average looking person with a wicked deviant mind over an incredible looking person with an average drive.

 

[Beren]

They're both very important imo. It's the character and personality of a person that's going to mean long term stability. But at the same time if you're not attracted to them physically it won't mean shit.

 

[TaySan]

They are important but character and personality more so.

 

[SoneaB]

What someone looks like is the least interesting thing about them. I couldn't give a rats ass what they look like. I try and treat people the same way I would if I was blind.

 

[M. Wallace]

Both are huge.

 

[ergoakari]

To me, it's more about my perception of them than any measurable generic trait that can be explained to other people. I see my partner through my eyes, and it's a combination of emotions, memories and complex other feelings that go into how I perceive them. I think it's too complicated to describe the way the poll is. The answer is; how I see them is very important, but it's more than that?

 

[Hollywood Duo]

For me, character and physical appearance are equally important.

If my partner doesn't match me looks wise as in we both look good together I'd find it odd. I personally couldn't date anyone I didn't find physically attractive or who wasn't in shape enough for us to enjoy outdoor activities.

Thankfully my partner is both beautiful and has a wonderful character.

Click to shrink...

Yeah this is where I'm at. Looks matter a lot but I know some horrible attractive people that I would never want to spend a second with.

 

[Addie]

.

 

[smisk]

I think sometimes they can balance each other out. My last partner wasn't someone I was super attracted to initially, but we clicked really well personality-wise and I grew to be really into her.
Also I would probably be fine with someone who wasn't quite as similar to me as I'd like if they were really hot lol.

 

[Blackie]

Physical appearance was very important to me at first. The more I dated, however, the less important it became over other factors. Had to go through a few volatile hotties for that lesson to sink in properly, though :)

Now I'm in a loving longterm relationship with someone with a fantastic, warm, intelligent, sterling personality... who also just so happens to be a total smokeshow. I am very lucky, and hopefully also deserving of them. But... I will admit that when we have disagreements and quarrel, it makes things easier for me, and forgiveness easier, because I can just look at them, physically, and... am happy? Just due to their physical attributes? It's sort of weird and shallow but it sorta works/helps *shrugs apologetically*

P.S My first serious partner before this was not super conventionally attractive but I loved them anyway and because of that love they became incredibly attractive, so mileage may vary. We broke up for seemingly unrelated issues due to extreme youth, etc.

 

[Viewt]

Physical attractiveness is important, for sure, but less so as time goes on and you build a solid bond. Time and gravity are undefeated - we all end up old and haggard at some point. But there needs to be physical chemistry, so you're not wrong if you feel like something's missing.

Most important thing is to handle it with respect and grace. If you're not into someone physically, trying to force it will probably only make them feel insecure when they pick up on a vibe that you're not into them.

 

[GYODX]

Physical attraction is necessary, but I don't have a strictly formulated template or criteria for what that looks like. There's not a "you check off all these boxes, therefore I am physically attracted to you" kind of thing. I couldn't even tell you what my "type" is.

And it's not a static thing, either; I've grown to be physically attracted to people I was not initially attracted to.

 

[808s & Villainy]

Appearance has an edge over personality IMO. Otherwise I would just consider them a friend. But your criteria makes it heavily skewed. "Physical appearance is the most important factor" is a bit much

 

[Hrodulf]

I mean, physical attraction is a factor, but what's physically attractive is highly subjective. But if it's someone you're going to be around/with long-term, they need to bring more than looks to the table, otherwise they'll just be insufferable and uninteresting to be around.

 

[balohna]

My feeling is I need to find the person attractive. They don't need to be my perfect 10/10 dream partner in looks. Once we've crossed that threshold of attraction, other things are much more important.

 

[defaltoption]

Im someone who falls for personality and character first with all people and then looks grow on me over time. This has led to me to begin to like people who started out as friends which in turn leaves me in a bad place because I'm stuck in a shitty position internally.

Multiple relationships that started out without the intent of just good friends have ended due to my own, hey don't be the guy who regrets not trying attitude. Always wish I can go back after trying but then I'd always wonder.

Attraction first does come into play occasionally but isn't generally enough for me.

 

[Swiggins]

Physical attraction is absolutely a major factor in romance; You can be a great person, but if the other person doesn't find you physically attractive on some level they're not going to consider you as a romantic option. You don't get a fire without a spark.

That being said different people find different things attractive, there are certainly factors that are more commonly thought of as attractive than others but you'd be surprised how diverse peoples tastes are.

This is why I'll die alone. I'm ugly and I'm a shitty person. :D

 

[SilentEagle]

Not gonna lie, it's pretty important for me but the irony is all of my partners weren't that much attractive for me. That's why I want my next partner to look closer to my dream woman. But lesson learned. I wouldn't date with a narcissist even if she is 11/10.

 

[Addi]

I voted "both are equally as important", but I wouldn't say it's a dichotomy either, it's a whole. Many aspects of someone's appearance are defined by their character (personal style, lifestyle etc.). I don't like how the looks vs. personality debate is often angled as shallow sexuality vs inner substance. Where do we put sensuality, flirtiness, energy etc.?

 

[RichardHawk]

Second option.

 

[freshair]

Character is most important (to me) because if you don't have the same values and beliefs and goals and outlook on life, then what are you doing together? But physical appearance matters a whole lot as well because just like the inverse of the former, if you aren't attracted to that person (and they/you view that intimacy through attraction is an important part of the relationship etc etc) then what are you doing together?

 

[dejay]

Intelligence, wit, personality, etc, can add a lot to a score. I've talked to extremely attractive women who I would get tired of super quickly outside of trophy or shallow sexual partner. I've talked to "average" looking women who have turned me on just by the way they think, interact, move, conduct themselves, etc.

 

[Kill3r7]

It matters. Especially depending on how and when you met them. Unless you only date people who you intend on having long term relationships with. Granted my info is more stale than two decade old bread.

 

[Cien]

I would be a giant ass hypocrite if I said it did matter.

So it doesn't for me.

 

[Dr. Mario]

Judging by the way the poll went I feel terrible for saying looks matter more, but maybe I just interpret it differently. If I'm not attracted to a person, then there is no chance of getting to know each other intimately in the first place, it is what is. I'll say my standards have been dropping (or increasing?) as I get older. I see beauty in people that weren't my type at all previously. That said, my wife and I are going through a difficult time, mostly through my actions, but my actions also came about because I noticed she didn't seem to find me attractive anymore. A partner that at best is uninterested whenever you undress is terrible for your self-esteem. So I do think it's important still.

 

[jdstorm]

They're both very important.

If you like their personality but aren't physically attracted to them then that's someone you want to be friends with

If your physically attracted but dislike their personality that's lust and maybe a hookup depending on your level of self respect

If you have both that's the starting point for a relationship.

 

[Bing147]

I mean, I need to be attracted to the person, but that's not hard. I'm not overly picky. I appreciate many different looks. Attraction isn't just about looks either, its a combination of factors including personality, voice, beliefs, actions. Looks are a part of that equation, but only part and not the most important. If I don't find someone actively ugly I'll likely be able to be attracted to them as I get to know them and enjoy them as a person.

 

[Kain-Nosgoth]

it matters but im pretty open overall, i dont mind her being a bit overweight or any other flaws like that, after all i have a lot myself... as long as find her cute or pretty, i'm good... which is subjective in the end, personality still wins by a mile

as for looks/clothes, i dont care at all, doesnt matter a single bit

 

[DarthKamen]

I guess I'd say equally so, but I've developed an attraction to people as I got to know them before. I don't think I could develop a bond with someone simply because they're attractive however.

 

[julia crawford]

hmm... i don't want to say it doesn't matter, but i'm fairly sure what i find attractive and beautiful is way more broad than the general person from my experience with, well, the general person, i'm very attracted to style and charisma and intention and curiosity, but i also find beauty in accents and mannerisms and behaviours, even from MY older relationships those are the things that have stayed in my memory, which is not to say that i don't like beautiful people, they're always a pleasure, but in terms of relationships... yeah it's nice but it's not the bees knees ya know

 

[DoctorPlayer MD]

I guess I'm pretty shallow, lol. I voted for appearance as the main factor, but it's not like the person has to be super hot for me to be interested... just enough to keep the flame on. If there's not enough sexual attraction then we end up becoming just friends, as it has happened to me a couple times.

 

[Idde]

It's a bit weird. I absolutely wouldn't wanna be with someone whose character I don't like, or don't enjoy being around. No matter how drop dead gorgeous they might be. So someones character is one hundred percent a deal breaker. And at the same time my partner doesn't have to be a perfect ten. I also don't really have a type, or really care about stuff like hair color or whatever. My biggest crush ever was on someone who probably wouldn't be considered conventionally attractive, but the chemistry was through the roof, and she's an amazing person.

At the same time I do try to be in shape and healthy, and therefore spend a lot of time around other people who are pretty much in good shape. Not sure if my preference for in shape partners comes from wanting to do sportsy and active things together, or if I'm just also a bit shallow. Guessing it's a bit of both.

 

[Tygre]

They're not equally important, but they're both very important.

 

[Funkelpop]

Equally important for me. If you're not attracted to someone and they have a great personality, we call that a friend.