Anyone ceased contact with toxic parent(s)?

[Nacho Papi]

I've reached my end with one of my parents and I'm about to cut contact with them. ~25 years of mental agony and my own wellbeing is much more important.

Anyone done anything similar? How did you do it and how did you "stick to it"? (In case they are beyond the point of salvation that is).

 

[Stalker]

My mother, She made some poor parenting decesions in the past and once I moved in with my dad my contact fairly rapidly reduced. When I had children she barely put any effort into trying to get to know them and because of that we don't see each other now.
My Sister is finding herself in the same situation.

I don't feel anything about the situation or her, I'm not sad or regretful she has shown the type of person she is and it's not worth expending any energy or mental capacity on when I have so many other things to get on with.

There was never a formal annoucement of it or anything, Her contact with me is so few and far between maybe once every other year. I don't need her for anything ever as I've always been independent and I have my own life now

 

[Lunchbox]

Oh yeah, refuse to talk to my step mother. It's been like a decade. Definitely makes my relationship with my father awkward sometimes, but we just don't talk about her anymore. Hope she dies before him.

She's great to him tho so good for him.

 

[PlanetSmasher]

I did that to my brother a few years ago after he had a rage break, attempted to murder my dad, and then tried to convince me to let him move in with my roommates and I. Not quite the same thing as cutting off a parent, but I'm just here to say I sympathize.

 

[Antrax]

Yeah, my dad. He was/is a pretty bad dude. Once I moved out at 18, I had extremely limited contact and it got lighter as it went. He doesn't know my number or my address now, so I've only seen him once in the past 5 years when I went home for a holiday.

It's best to be clear about the boundary you're setting.

 

[Whitemex]

Bruh, I've ceased contact with my entire family and I've never been saner. My mother tried to get us all to reconcile a couple months ago and it didn't take.

 

[Disco Stu]

I did. It's been great for my well-being. My brother too.

 

[RexNovis]

Yea my Mom is a manic narcissist and the entire rest of the family enables her vicious behavior and theatric antics. Just being around her is nothing but constant stress, frustration and guilt. After seeking therapy as an adult I realized just how detrimental she was to me growing up and continued to be even as an adult so I had to just walk away.

I also had to cut off the rest of my entire immediate family. All of them are evangelical GOP supporters and my parents donate regularly to Trump specifically. The constant jabs and insults for being a "bleeding heart" was just insufferable and listening to them talk constantly about their hateful beliefs had me seething all the time. I gave my Dad a choice between watching Fox News/Tucker Carlson and having a relationship with me and he chose Fox News. The rest of my family sort of fell in behind him and that was that. It is beyond sad how much the conservative media bubble has rotted my Dad's brain. I'm convinced he would be a kind, loving human being without it but he chose what he chose.

 

[Strings]

Yep, I completely cut my mum out of my life. Didn't invite her to my wedding or anything. Life has been better for it.

 

[egg]

I did for a few years and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

 

[Zimmiwood]

I did that to my brother a few years ago after he had a rage break, attempted to murder my dad, and then tried to convince me to let him move in with my roommates and I. Not quite the same thing as cutting off a parent, but I'm just here to say I sympathize.

Click to shrink...

This is WILD. Damn, sorry you had to deal with that

 

[Deleted member 9241]

I cut my mom off completely about 25 years ago. I had a best case scenario because my mom knew why, apologized, and moved forward with a greatly improved relationship dynamic.

Basically, my mother knew I was not bluffing. I moved 1000 miles away without telling her, got married, and had zero contact for almost 5 years. She didn't even know where I lived. I had completely cut off all contact, not even christmas or birthdays, and divested from any relationship we had. It legit scared her into changing how she acted. Everything has been fine since.

To this day I am the only person in the world my mother ever backs down to, and she does it almost at a glance. My wife is forever impressed how I handle my mother. It's like a gift.

 

[Shokunin]

Cut my dad off like 12+ years ago.

His punishment for the way he treated our family is he'll never get to meet his grandchildren (my daughters). The only time I'll see him again is when he's dead to verify that SOB isn't breathing.

 

[earthsucks]

he isn't necessarily 'toxic' himself, but my father and i had a toxic relationship for many years. we didn't speak a word to each other between 2014-2022 or so.

 

[PlanetSmasher]

This is WILD. Damn, sorry you had to deal with that

Click to shrink...

Dude called me a few days after we got his gun destroyed and was like "hey I'm gonna be there in 8 hours" and I was like "WHAT". When I told him my roommates wouldn't be cool with him moving in with us with zero warning, he ranted at me for 15 minutes straight and then I hung up on him and blocked him from everything. The only silver lining is that he had the good sense to turn the fuck around and drive back instead of continuing all the way out to Chicago.

 

[RexNovis]

Nvm: oversharing

 

[Dalek]

Yes my mother. She's a very difficult person to be around. She has basically shown no interest in being a grandmother to my daughter. She's narcissistic and always full of rage about something. About 10 years ago she became super hardcore conservative- Fox News type - where she's always raving about this and that. Just always toxic. I cut her out of my life. It's sad. I wish things weren't like this. I wish she was the person I knew when I lived with her. But something changed in her.

 

[Pirateluigi]

Yeah, I cut off contract with my mother about 2 years ago. It has been so good for my mental health.

 

[meowdi gras]

Yes. When I came out to them as trans (for the second time) almost a decade ago. Like the first time, it was obvious that the only terms acceptable to them was for me to not transition and just pray earnestly to god to take it all away. (As if I hadn't already been doing that for the past 25 years.) What with their typical habit of heavy-handedly weaponizing guilt against me, it was all too clear that the only path for me towards survival, let alone happiness (I'd been very suicidal over the issue), was one that did not include them. Our relationship ceased almost immediately after that day and has remained that way; fortunately, I'd say, for my sake.

 

[Ducarmel]

My dad, once it was clear he wanted to do nothing as a father financially or even raising me I really did not care about the money neither my mom, I just need a father. I was just relieved to just move on confidently knowing I have no father to speak of.

He tried to reach out at some point in his older age but I was not a kid anymore, a grown man with my own life and priorities. I was not looking to make friends with a stranger who at this point in his life was a wreck from what little news i would get of him so I had no interest in adding a burden on my shoulders.

He eventually passed away and his pos brother got mad at my sisters and I for not helping in his final years. I wanted to message him back reminding him the sperm donor abadoned me first when I needed him. I thought better of it I have not thought about my father in almost 15+ years at the time why should I start thinking about him now. Even today I he does not even register a thought I even forget he has been dead for 8 years now whenever a topic of parents/fathers comes up.

 

[Alien Bob]

Haven't spoken to my father since 2005, when I was 18. It wasn't even anything egregiously toxic, he just became less of a person after the divorce a few years before and I don't have room for sad, angry people like that in my life. Never regretted it.

 

[Nacho Papi]

Thank you all for sharing your stories.

 

[Wrighteous86]

I have an autoimmune disease and when covid vaccines came out and after 6 months it was clear my dad and his wife weren't going to get vaccinated I told him how important it was to me and my health, and told him I hoped he'd change his mind.

I told him if he didn't that I worried it would permanently damage our relationship and he just shrugged. So now I only communicate when he initiates and I only agree to see him on major events: birthdays, graduations, when he had a heart attack. And that's it.

 

[Sadsic]

I stopped talking to my mom after she kicked me out of the house and I lived in my car for a month, saw her one more time in my life in which we just argued the whole time then didn't see her again until her funeral


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1BjOBnJMHU

 

[machtia]

Yes. My father is an alcoholic.

 

[Dis]

Yes, and not just a paren, I haven't spoken to my sister or seen her kids since 2018, same with my brother and his kids since 2016.

If people are toxic in my life then I'll just cut them out. Everyone who tells me that "they're you're family" bullshit when I mention I haven't spoken to them and don't want to know anything about them at all gets told the truth, I didn't pick my family and if I had the choice I wouldn't have picked them and I think it's fucking stupid to act like somehow I should be tied to toxic assholes just because they happened to come out of the same person as me.

 

[NHarmonic.]

My father since like 4-5 years.

Was never a good influence to be honest, got tired of his bullshit regarding paying the pension so once i finished university i decided to never see him again.

To be honest i do not miss him at all, i barely remember him. Caring for his kids was never his priority, in the end.

 

[Master of Cats]

I've known a few people who have done this, but it was usually a two-way toxic relationship

 

[Lukar]

I haven't spoken to my dad in a few months shy of a decade. He abused my mom, stepmom, and stepsister, and treated me like shit when I was a kid. Calling me fat, making fun of my quietness and shyness around people ("Why would you want to go on a trip to [place]? You'd just be playing your damn Game Boy the whole time") . When I was a teen, he tried to repair our relationship by taking me to a park and hanging out, and I stupidly took him up on the offer... only for him to spring it on me once we got there that it was actually a date for him and a woman. The entire time, he just tried to impress her by using me, talking about my school grades and stuff. I felt humiliated and stupid for thinking he might actually want anything to do with me.

I stopped talking to him for good after that. The last time I talked to him was when he called me on my birthday later that year (at like 2:00 AM for some reason). We didn't really say much, I just awkwardly tried to get to the end of the call. I blocked his number and haven't heard from him since, and I don't regret it. He's a shitty person and I want nothing to do with him. As far as I'm concerned, my grandfather was my dad, not that asshole.

I've debated cutting off contact with my mom recently due to her homophobia and transphobia, but we'll see.

EDIT: Oh yeah, can't forget him calling my at-the-time best friend a (cw: homophobic slur) faggot to his face when he came out as gay. I'm glad I never came out to him.

 

[BWoog]

Yeah and it sucks. We've had an extremely tumultuous relationship and we've had years where we wouldn't talk with one another. They've always been wildly toxic and I didn't even realize really until my friends and girlfriend, now wife, told me "Hey this isn't normal" and then I began recognizing how they were acting. They were never abusive physically and I never wanted for anything money-wise, but the best way to describe my parents are George and Lucille Bluth.

The Trump years made it a lot worse but things really came to a head when my wife and I were planning our wedding and my parents went apeshit. My mom and dad DESPERATELY wanted to invite 20 of their close friends to our wedding and I was like "we barely have enough space of the people that WE know." and they kept refusing to budge and throwing tantrums about it. I specifically didn't take any money from them when it came to the wedding because I knew they would fly off the handle if they didn't get their way.

I was very much just a trophy for my folks to show off to their friends and didn't feel human around them, it was fucked.

 

[Kernel]

I did and my life improved almost immediately.

Got married, doubled my salary all within a year of cutting them off.

It felt like life began that day.

It was pretty easy to do given the stuff my mom was doing.

We were already doing cycles of low contact and not talking to them for months with no changes. I had no choice.

 

[aett]

Oh, absolutely. I cut out my dad about 11 years ago and never regretted it. I recently learned that he's moving out of the state, which is fantastic. He's the most narcissistic person I've ever met, and I was tired of it and how he would make people do things for him. It became clear after I got married and he (and his wife) started doing this shit to my wife, and soon after, our first kid, so I was done.

I haven't completely ceased contact with my mom, but I only maintain a bare minimum of communication. She moved across the country two years ago, which has been amazing, because she can't stop by unannounced anymore. (We told her a decade ago to knock that shit off, and she kept trying to find a way around it, and we would just not answer the door or lie and say we weren't home.)

 

[Isilia]

Mine did this for me by dying.

Probably rude to be happy about that, but she was a monster.

 

[Zimmiwood]

Dude called me a few days after we got his gun destroyed and was like "hey I'm gonna be there in 8 hours" and I was like "WHAT". When I told him my roommates wouldn't be cool with him moving in with us with zero warning, he ranted at me for 15 minutes straight and then I hung up on him and blocked him from everything. The only silver lining is that he had the good sense to turn the fuck around and drive back instead of continuing all the way out to Chicago.

Click to shrink...

Lmao I don't believe this!! Family sometimes, at that point I'm just glad he didn't try to barge himself into your life still despite your clear boundary. Good sense indeed
This is a bit OT but I've seen your posts over the years and it really sounds like you've lived a hell of a life

 

[Deleted member 37151]

Haven't spoken to my parents in about 5 years. They're just not reliable people.

 

[Hrodulf]

I honestly never understood the "they are family, so you have to put up with their shitty behavior" attitude a lot of people have, like the "racist/Trump supporting uncle at Thanksgiving" articles that pop up every year.

I don't want to deal with toxic behavior if I can avoid it, and blood relation doesn't change that. It's one thing if you are disagreeing about whether you like tomato on a hamburger, but I have no interest in dealing with people who are racist and pretty much whatever -phobic you can think of.

 

[SolVanderlyn]

Yes. Not worth your mental health to keep toxic people in your life no matter who they are.

 

[ArrogantBastard]

I wouldn't say I have cut all contact, but I don't associate/hang out and/or go over to my parents anymore. Its my dad. My mom is a good person and she means well but she unfortunately has to live with the man so she isn't going to confront his views. It's wild too, my wife and I used to go back to my parents at least 3-4x a month for some BBQ, Steaks, Burgers, Pizza have some drinks and talk. Things changed drastically around 2007/2008: Economic problems led to stress then there was something else I cannot remember...oh yah a black POTUS.

My dad went from being a union democrat his entire life who wouldn't allow Fox news in his house to listening to Michael Berry tons of right wing radio and fox news. I don't even recognize him now. We had a few verbal conflicts over the shit he would say and I just couldn't associate with him anymore. My mom still comes over nearly every weekend to spend time with my son...dad isn't invited.

I see him a couple times a year: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my son's birthday. He isn't allowed to talk about politics.

 

[Azem]

Yeah, I think it was 11 years in December.

I was thinking about it recently, and it seems melodramatic to say that he's dead to me, but… that's kind of what it's like. There was all the emotion at the start, wishing it could be different. Then over time, I thought about it less and less. Now I only think about my dad when I'm reminded of him or something he did.

Which, my sister's husband is reminding me of him so much lately that I don't even want to be around him, so things are great. 🙃

I'm not bothered, my dad doesn't seem bothered, I think it works better for both of us. He gets to pretend he's not a massive twat and I get to not feel an all-encompassing dread at the thought of having to see him.

 

[Log!]

I haven't spoken to my dad in around 6 years and I barely speak to my mom. She's lucky I even give her the time of day, as I'm one bad argument away from just going full no-contact with her.

I think my parents expected raising a child to be like raising a dog, considering they neither gave a shit about my happiness nor were happy with me unless I blindly obeyed their every command like a dog.

EDIT: As for how I cut contact with my dad, I just stopped talking to him and calling him. I really didn't feel bad about it because of the above. I won't feel bad if my mom manages to piss me off enough for me to just stop talking to her.

 

[Jakenbakin]

Did it with my dad which was easy enough. He wasn't there for me my whole life, my wife attempted to have me reconnect with him, but then he never visited us when I had my own kid, ended up staying with my brother, trashing his house and disappearing in the middle of the night (making the kid there wonder what happened to grampa). I said that was the final straw. A while later my wife died and he invited himself to her funeral, which made me angry, and to my credit I did not talk to him then or since. Fuck that dude. But it's kind of easy since I've been saying fuck that dude for like 25+ years.

 

[Vish]

My dad. He's on another planet so to speak, I can't help him. He hasn't been there my whole life anyway and the one time I did meet him it was clear that we aren't compatible people.

 

[Typhonsentra]

Closest is a nut job MAGA aunt who forced my grandmother, her mom, not to get vaccinated and then gave her COVID, killing her in a long and painful process.

She was my godmother and is my mom's twin which made it hard cutting her initially. It's been over a year since I last spoke with her. She tries to message me but I ignore it. Last thing I told her was all she had to do to restore contact was get the vaccine and she couldn't do that even after all the pain she caused. The moron even had the nerve to blame my mom for infecting her with "proteins from the vaccine" she received. I am disgusted by her.

 

[Judau]

I pretty much cut contact with my dad. I haven't blocked him or anything, but I won't reach out to him for any reason. He and my mom have been separated for almost 5 years now, mostly from him being a gaslighting alcoholic. He's not necessarily a "drunk", but he's diabetic and he claims that a doctor told him that beer would help somehow, so he's been drinking beer pretty much daily for over 10 years now. And I can't remember anything specific, but I'd constantly overhear him tell my mom "No, I didn't say that! I said this other thing", even though the thing he'd be denying he said sounded exactly like something he would say.

Those are just off the top of my head, but yeah...I have no reason or desire to have him be a regular part of my life again. If I ever get a gf, I don't see myself introducing her to my dad at all.

 

[FrakEarth]

I've reached my end with one of my parents and I'm about to cut contact with them. ~25 years of mental agony and my own wellbeing is much more important.

Anyone done anything similar? How did you do it and how did you "stick to it"? (In case they are beyond the point of salvation that is).

Click to shrink...

My wife doesn't speak to her mother, because of past traumas and cruelties, and it's hard for me to compute because my family all get along.. I feel especially bad sometimes as we have two children under the age of 3 that she's never met, and she likes my instagram posts sometimes- but I can't heal that rift myself. It's between the two of them. I wish they could sometimes. Life's too short.

 

[Lexad]

I can't imagine that. I moved states away to be closer to family. My life would be sorely lacking without them

 

[DevilPuncher]

My father is a horrible human being, just the worst of the worst—abject filth in human form. I always tried to keep up appearances, but after my mom died it became unbearable to maintain contact with him. After a blowout, I told him never to talk to me again and blocked him on everything. Never felt better! It really does make a world of difference, however, it really helps to have a good support system in place that's outside of your family.

 

[oofouchugh]

I haven't talked to any of my relatives in 15 years. My quality of life shot through the fucking roof.

 

[blackhawk163]

My mother recently. Over the years she's gone off the deep end with conspiracy theories. Whether it's 5g burning the trees in Italy, or outdoor led street lamps causing her migraines. It was easy to dismiss that, but then covid came. She didn't fall for all that right wing crap, it was very real for her. But then we got pregnant, and that's when her constant fear of vaccines and dying came crashing against our staunch pro vaccine stance. Before our child was born, we put out a no nonsense approach to being unvaccinated. If you're unvaccinated you can't see our child. We required all covid shots, flu, and tdap. My mother missed the birth of my first child despite our efforts to put her at ease.

Our child was born in the first week of January, and my mother has not seen her at all save for a few photos that were sent within the first two week of life. I haven't heard from her since mid January after I told her that I would not budge on the unvaccinated.

I cried a few times, partially due to hormones , but mostly because I really thought that she would do anything to see her grandchild.

Now? The thought of my mother makes me a bit sad, but mostly angry.

Sorry for the rant.

 

[mangopositive]

I almost cut my mom off right before the 2020 elections. I didn't talk to her for a month, as she was a staunch Trump defender and I just couldn't handle it. Just after the 2020 election, I reached back out and continued our relationship. We were able to let her visit with her grandson 3 more times that year before she died in December of 2021. If I had stuck to my guns, I'd have had a ton of regret when she went into a coma during Thanksgiving, her favorite holiday, and never woke up.