Someone attempted to rape my girlfriend and sexually assaulted her, don't know what to do

To get some details out of the way / make them clear from the start to try and not leave things vague.

- This happened about 2-3 months ago, but I only found out recently about it. She couldn't tell me because of the trauma of it. I still don't know how she kept it in and kept going. She didn't tell anyone.
- It happened where we live currently which is with one of my parents. (We had an apartment but got priced out of staying, then we found another place to rent but after moving everything in were after about a week told it was unsafe and we couldn't live there so we had to go back.)
- I know who it is, but I only found this out yesterday. This person is not a family member but is very close to our family, is basically family to my mother.
- My partner had suffered physical and mental abuse with certain members of her family over the years, primarily while she was a teenager.
- She doesn't want to report it, not until we are far away from the person

I'm just kind of lost. We've had difficult points as a couple since we met. I had health issues and issues with work, she had more serious health issues including blood clots and a number of stays in hospital and is currently awaiting surgery, we were at one point told we were going to be thrown out of our apartment despite our landlord wronging us multiple times and not the other way around. The rental market is crazy here now and it's so hard to find a place that isn't taken within the day it's listed. Etc.

This isn't the first time she's had to warn guys off that have acted like friends to her and tried to them put moves on her. It's almost like it started with smaller things and continually escalated to this.

I see this person that did it so often that I could take a knife out of the cupboard and stab him. And I want to. I'm desperate to. All I can think of is doing it or smashing his face to pieces. I can't do it, obviously. But I don't know what I can do or should do.

I can't cope. I couldn't when she first told me it happened. I had images in my head that never went away or stopped, made me snap (and I don't just mean mentally, physically my body recoiled and snapped so often when it came into mind which was a lot). She told me that she couldn't tell me who it was in order to stop me doing something that would ruin my life and our life together, so she made up a story about a stranger. But she has had to interact with this person practically every day since it happened and she said to me she has learned to be fake and put on a face for any situation. I don't have a clue how she has done it or how she's still going. I have no idea how she feels or how it can make a person feel. Normally I can try and sympathise or empathise with her but I just can't here. And I don't know how to cope myself. We pride ourselves on how open and honest we are with each other in our relationship. It's one of the things that makes us work. We're so close and depend on each other so much. But she said that because she has had to pretend it didn't happen she has learned to make up anything about anything and make it believable. I could almost always tell a lie from her before, but here I had no clue. And I still don't know what she is telling me or has told me what is true and what's false. Obviously it's not her fault. She said it wasn't that she couldn't trust me to tell me but she knew it would break me. Life has been so difficult for us for some of the reasons above and lots of others. I'm working 2 jobs now to keep us going after she was made redundant and I'm exhausted but I know I have to keep going. But today after a 12.5 hour shift, I'm finished, and I don't want to go back. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to comfort her because I can't comfort myself or keep my head straight. How can I know how to help her? Before this happened I always tried to help her and talk to her about everything that she had difficulty with, but I knew it wasn't enough so I helped her to get counselling and she's still going to it, but I don't know how much that can help. I know I need to be there for her but don't know how. I've never not been able to talk to her but now I'm starting to question if I can keep doing this. Every time we start to get moving and things get a little easier something happens to force us to fight and struggle our way through, dragging ourselves on and nothing better. I know life can be like that but it just is constant. She's always had things tough and I don't know how she can keep going and keep the faith. She has always had to fight. She'd been suicidal on and off at best for the last year.

But I've always been sure about us and our future and yesterday I point blank said I don't know any more and I couldn't go back on it. I feel like this will cause an issue between us that we can't fix. She's always been a free spirit and has always trusted people and given them a chance. I've warned her about certain people she has come across and I have 90% of the time been right to distrust them. But now I know I won't ever want her to be near any man or men bevabec literally every single one that has claimed to be her friend has turned and told her to dump me, cheat on me with them, how much better they are than me, how they can fuck her better than me. This shit gets in on you over time. I could never see myself being a controlling person in a relationship before but now I know it's all I'll be. I said before at various points that I felt like I was the wrong person for her. That she needed someone tougher that wouldn't give anyone a chance to get close to her, that had more money and a better job and their own place, stability basically. Someone to properly look after her during her bad points. All I've been doing is working. I'm out for almost the entirety of 5 days a week minimum.

Anyway sorry for the wall of text and everything. I'm just so lost. I don't know where to go in life any more, I don't feel like trying when stuff like this happens to people like her. I want to throttle the person that did this and don't know how to stop myself because of what he did to her. She has had so much grief and trouble in the past few years and all she's had to do is struggle on. Finding those moments of happiness are so hard when this is what you have to expect is around the corner. I've tried suggesting she speaks to rape crisis centres but she doesn't want to. She has breached the subject with her counsellor but hasn't gone deep into it. I've been here for her all the time before, even if it took me time. This time I don't feel like I can and this is when she really needs me most, but I can't cope with it. Or with anything. I'm doubting the one thing I was sure about since I met her which is our future and I don't even feel like I can talk about or digest anything because of so much else going on and such little rest time between work and these other things. She's broken but has put up a wall but I don't know how I can help her, and I'm struggling to get myself just to the point of doing that.

Thank you all for the replies, I really appreciate it and so many of you taking the time to read my post, apologies for how messy it probably is. I will reply to some quotes that I can but I do need to get some sleep before another long day tomorrow of work so I can't reply to all but I have read all of them and am grateful for each one.

Anti said:

M8 even if she doesn't want to report it that's the best option, being quiet about it's even worse in the long run. Also, kudos on the self control I wouldn't be able to control myself and not smash the face of the guy if it happened to my SO.

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I have felt this too which is a part I am struggling with. I don't want to do this and put her in that situation but I feel like it is something I ought to do, but breaking her trust is something I don't feel I can do especially as she is the victim. She didn't go into detail yet but said she is convinced this person never did it before and regrets it. (Not that I'd believe that or care even if true, it makes no difference.)

Broken Joystick said:

Could you possibly talk to your partner and get her and yourself to talk to your mother about it? That seems like it would be a step somewhere unless you know your mother will bat for the assaulter.
Is your partner absolutely sure she doesn't want to report it now? I understand the situation you're in would make it uncomfortable, but I guess it's worth asking.

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Unfortunately as you guessed I believe my mother would defend him. She is just as untrustworthy.

Dr.Acula said:

I wouldn't feel great if I were sexually assaulted, then my partner goes and gets arrested on assault and battery and ends up in jail.

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This is what's holding me back on doing anything to him. In fact it never crossed my mind that hurting him would have further consequences for her until she said the very same to me.

Latvian Hitman said:

Whew, this is a doozy. Sorry that you're having to go through this, OP. My two pennies:

Your girlfriend is going to need counseling. You may need some, too. You'll need to collect your thoughts, summon some energy and talk to her about this. She needs to know what you've put in your post. You need to extricate yourselves from the person that attacked her. Nothing is going to get better with continued exposure to him. Either mom needs to know what happened and un-invite the attacker, or you need to get yourselves out of there. Do not confront this person right now: the likelihood of a violent outcome would be very high- and I don't mean violent like your average bar fight. Someone would likely get badly hurt or possibly even killed, and it could become a life-altering event for both of you.

As for the relationship itself- it won't be able to work in the long run until after you do the above, IMO. You two will need to address some things individually before being able to function in a healthy relationship. You may well need some form of relationship counseling after you've properly unpacked the fallout from this event individually.

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We're doing our best to get out of here as we have been doing for what has unfortunately become a long time now, just not very hopeful over it with the way things have been going.

Viriditas said:

Yikes. What a take.

Here's another: Women constantly have to deal with men treating them this way under the guise of "friendship" whether they want it or not. Whether they've expressed disinterest or not. Whether they've asked the friend to stop or not.

Many women have learned that setting firm boundaries about it results in ostracization, being called a bitch, or worse. Much worse.

Many people, whether they would explicitly say so or not, tend to normalize this dynamic, such that when a woman does speak up about the harassment, she isn't exactly guaranteed support from her friends, family, or community.

In my experience, it's usually the opposite -- insisting on being treated as a person gets you labeled abrasive, intimidating, and difficult. It can cost you personal and professional opportunities.

It's just not that simple. There can be a lot of context to consider when responding to some creep's unwanted advances. Different people respond to harassment differently. Let's keep the suspicion and the burden of change aimed squarely where they belong: on the creepy bastards themselves, rather than the women they target.

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This is a good response. We don't have any issues, she isn't someone I distrust, she's the opposite. But she has had shitty people come into her life a lot from differing places and she hasn't seen it as they hide their true selves until they see she trusts them, or at least gives them a chance to gain trust.

Lesath said:

Okay, the most important thing you can do for her is to respect her wishes. She, as the survivor, is the most important person here, not the offender, and certainly not you. Reporting him or beating the shit out of him might make you feel better, but she has flat out stated that is not what she wants. Give her some control of her life: she has trusted you, so do not betray her faith.

You are understandably upset and frustrated, but the best thing you can do for her is make sure she knows that you are there for her, through thick and thin, and that she knows that if she needs something, even if it means she wants to be alone, you will do that. If she wants your opinion, give it frankly, but do not insist on your course of action. I also understand the impatience, but there is no magical solution that will make things all right again overnight.

While it might be a bitter pill to swallow, the greatest and most admirable thing you can do for her in this situation is to be truly selfless, and put your own feelings aside and hers first.

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Thank you. I have wanted to and still do want to report it but I know it's not something I can really do, and if I do it will be me betraying her trust significantly. I still simultaneously feel like I ought to report it because we'll get to a situation down the line where she will say it's too late (or it will be) but I know it can't get to that. But thank you for our last piece of advice in particular, I have tried to be strong for her and be there for her before through her health issues which was a completely different situation but multiple times I felt I was close to losing her, and it wasn't me that this happened to, so I need to be better. I just don't know how I can do it right now. Every time a glimpse of peacefulness appears for us something horrible happens.

Ephidel said:

Let's start with the basics.

This is not about you.

This happened to her

She's been dealing with it. She has shared it with you because she trusts you, and because she felt ready to.
That would have been a difficult thing for her to do.

Your primary job now is to be supportive.

You do not get to control her life because someone else did something to her. That is hers. She can be friends with whoever she wants, and you have to back off and deal.Whether or not she has had problems with guys before means nothing and you should be careful about insinuating that it does.

She needs you to support her, not blame her.

And it might sound trite, but looking at the way you're talking and the things other people in this thread are saying I feel it needs stating: Violence Is Not The Answer.
Beating the guy up will not help anyone If nothing else will sway you, consider the fact that you would be done for assault, it would not be considered justified because no charges have actually been lodged against him, and if you get sent away that will fuck up your life.

And on the subject of "your life" let's move on to your secondary job now: Take care of yourself.

Yes yes, I know I said that this isn't about you, but it is affecting you, and you need to take steps to get on top of that.

See a counsellor.
Dealing with things like this can be mentally and physically exhausting.
It is clearly affecting you and your mindset. It's upsetting you, it's poisoning the way you look at your relationship, and triggering toxic and violent thoughts that you need help dealing with.
Knowing when you need help and taking steps to get it is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness, and you should do that.

You could also consider going to see a counsellor with her, but you really should go to see one to help cope with your own issues with this first.

Now there are also a bunch of things it is not your job to do:
Tell her what to do.
Tell her how to deal with it.
Glare at every man in her life.
Be overprotective.
Be controlling.
Threaten anyone with violence.
Perpetrate any violence (yes, I know I already said this)
Report it to the police.
Pressure her into reporting it to the police.

"What's that?" I hear you say "Did you just say don't report it to the police?"

Yes. I did.

It is not your decision.

Reporting sexual assaults and rapes is not easy.
It is something that is only to be done if and when someone is ready to do so, if and when they are up to that.

"But he could do it to someone else! You could prevent that!"

That is not your responsibility.
If he assaults someone else that is his fault. Not yours, not your girlfriends, his and only his.

Now your girlfriend may, at some point, decide she does feel up to reporting it and then yes, yes yes yes yes yes, she should be supported in that.
But it needs to be her decision. Trying to pressure her into it will only make her feel worse and that is not something she needs right now.

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Thanks for the post and advice. Seeing so many people tell me to stop thinking about myself is helping me to put things into perspective slowly. It's just the anger and fear that's making it all difficult. I feel like I'm to blame for this. But there have been so many instances of guys hitting on her repeatedly that I feel like this is my fault because I should have done something about it over time but she always told me to stay out of it to help her learn to deal with it so I respected it and didn't get involved, but it just made me so paranoid over time when it happened so often. I felt like my not getting involved made those guys feel empowered and that they could do anything without repercussion from me, but maybe that had nothing to do with me and is more about men and how entitled so many feel they are. It sounds like a patriarchal trope but I felt like without my stepping in over them they just took free reign. That's why I feel like not being controlling will be almost impossible. It's not me nor is it something I ever want to do to her. I love how much faith in the universe and in people she has, it's one of the things I admire most about her but it comes through as naievete at times because she doesn't believe someone could be so bad to do or feel or think X or that more than one person could be that way. But I know similarly putting her in a bubble won't help. Just like I know telling her to try not ever trust men will only end up in her hiding stuff from me and that'll be my fault and it'll just end up with us breaking. I just don't know how to keep her away from people like this. It hasn't just been one. Just about 1-2 months after we met she was heading to college and this guy comes up and hits on her and starts bring all handsy with her. Suddenly he's on her bus each morning (even though she left at different times most days and went from another county) and would seek her out, sit next to her and put his hands on her legs. She didn't know how to deal with it so she asked him not to do it but he kept going until I made sure I was there to greet them getting off it one day and he darted away as quick as possible. But there have been about 4 or 5 other guys since then that keep trying, probably because they feel like she's too nice to stop them. I just fucking hate men. I feel like I can barely trust my own friends now just because they're men even though I know they're nothing like that.

Anyway, sorry, feels like I'm doing it again. I'll do my best to stop letting my anger put myself in the spotlight and just keep trying to get to a point where I can see how much she has had to deal with properly and try and actually be better and help her.

Ryaaan14 said:

Had something similar happen earlier this year and therapy has gone a long way. It's difficult to let go of anger.

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I'm really sorry to hear that. How are both of you coping now? Honestly I feel like I want and need therapy too but I can't afford it. It's been hard to afford it for her but I knew she needed it desperately so I made sure I could but it's too expensive for me to do it as well.

We talked last night, if only for a short while since I couldn't stay awake long. She was a little annoyed I was on my phone after I said I had to sleep but I knew I had to read any replies here. It helped a bit anyway, I'm beginning to calm a little but I fear a lot of that is down to me not seeing that person for a few days but that also makes me more fearful for that. I've tried to get her to go to stay with family members for a time at least to get her away but she said she won't do it. But we're talking a bit more now like we used to about everything so I'm getting there very slowly but I listened to her more last night so I feel like she felt somewhat better for telling me more. She still has to tell me the real details about it all which is a talk I think will send me back the wrong way but I will try to deal with it only being there for her.