Relocating without significant other.

FiveHandsMusic · Apr 8, 2018

**Update #2**

I got a job offer that will allow me to stay in Kansas City! I am awake late the night before my first day on the job in Wichita knowing I have this job new job on the table. Last step is background check and drug screening, which should not be a problem. I want to wake up and put in my two weeks notice, but I feel super weird because I haven't even started yet lol. The new job does not start until the beginning of August, so I have some time. I am itching to turn this page in my life and debating just taking this next month to get myself together. Been a wild and hectic(for me) couple of months so far.

***Update***

KC has been great, but training has come to an end and they want me to relocate again. Here is the update.

https://www.resetera.com/posts/9146717/

For some backstory, I have been working at the same retail store for 10 years now. I have moved up along the way after graduating college, and I now have a chance to move to a larger city 12 hours away for a promotion. I currently live in Mississippi with my GF, and my main goal has been to get out of Miss. for years now. Problem is, my girlfriend of four years has a fairy successful small business she is running here, and does not want to leave it or her family behind. I have to choose by tomorrow to stay and hope for a promotion here, or take the one offered to me and leave her behind. Ive been racking my brain all weekend weighing the pros and cons. I am afraid I am locking myself into a lifetime of Mississippi living if I dont take it, or losing my long term Gf if I do take it. She is currently being supportive, but I realistically know how a long distance relationship would end up.

I know the decision is mine alone, but some perspective or insight would be appreciated here.

Yamajian · Apr 8, 2018

12 hours away most likely means you would need to fly to see each other. How realistic is that?

Also, it seems you want to leave where you are where your GF wants to stay. That seems like it either needs to get worked out or it's a deal breaker.

Radiophonic · Apr 8, 2018

Sounds like you need to weigh how important she is to you versus having to live in Mississippi for potentially a very long time. My instinct is to say leave if you've wanted to get out of there, and improve your life, but...

aerie · Apr 8, 2018

If you're already considering taking a promotion elsewhere knowing that a long distance relationship likely won't work out in the long run and really don't want to stay in Mississippi for much longer, i think you may have your answer already, though it may be tough.

Xiaomi · Apr 8, 2018

It sounds like you know the relationship is over if you go, and it also sounds like your girlfriend would rather lose her relationship with you than move her business or lose proximity to her family. So I guess it comes down to how much better life would be outside of Mississippi for you, and I think you already know the answer to that.

Stinkles · Apr 8, 2018

Most long distance relationships are doomed to failure. If both parties aren't absolutely committed to making it work, it won't. And if one party is moving away from the other for a job, then there is an inherent value statement about the relationship versus career. Which is a wobbly foundation to build a long distance version of that relationship.

It can work, but it's rare.

Avitus · Apr 8, 2018

If you both would rather have your personal wants met vs staying in the relationship then how is the decision hard? This isn't an uncommon thing.

Fierro · Apr 8, 2018

I would chose love every time. So who do you love more?

Rangerx · Apr 8, 2018

No real easy answer to your situation unfortunately. You've just got to be honest with yourself about what matters most for you.

FiveHandsMusic · Apr 8, 2018

You guys make great points. My fear if is stay; as cliched as it might sound, would be a growing resentment towards the relationship if I am not satisfied with my career or life in Mississippi. I'd hate for a creeping resentment to end the relationship when I am older(I am 30 now) with less options to leave than I have now. I would have her, but all of my friends and family are back in Louisiana where I moved from to Miss. for her.

It probably sounds like I am leaning towards leaving, and I am. I was 100% towards leaving until the reality of the job offer hit me. Going to go for a long run and try to get my mind right.

gdt · Apr 8, 2018

Looks like it's rough either way. Quick question, what's the money difference?

FiveHandsMusic · Apr 8, 2018

gdt said:
Looks like it's rough either way. Quick question, what's the money difference?

$20-$25k a year. However, future opportunity is a major reason for wanting th relocation. That, and not wanting to raise children in Mississippi lol. Idk if I built MS. up at this terrible place in my head, but it's probably the last state id actively choose to live in.

Sarah The Great · Apr 8, 2018

Sounds like your bags are already packed. Might as well face the reality of the situation and end it.

zerocalories · Apr 8, 2018

Just try it

Deleted member 4367 · Apr 8, 2018

Don't stay. Resentment is born from situations like this.

Maybe it works out maybe it doesn't. Maybe you don't like the new city or job. But from reading your post i just get the feeling that you need to try for your sake.

Moving away from my lovely girlfriend at the time from Florida to Colorado was the best thing i ever did. I'm biased because she did end up moving out 8 months later but that move was absolutely critical to my happiness in life.

xxracerxx · Apr 8, 2018

Where would the relocation take you?

GaijinDensetsu · Apr 8, 2018

Just go, OP. You can always go back to Mississippi if it doesn't work out.

I've also moved away for work before and it was 100% what I needed in my life at that time.

Straight Edge · Apr 8, 2018

Were you considering marriage at any point after 4 years of dating?

Darren Lamb · Apr 8, 2018

xxracerxx said:
Where would the relocation take you?

Yeah I was wondering this too, I feel like it's important.

The extra money and change of scenery would be nice, but if OP is moving to Chicago or something, the extra money might not go as far as expected. Mississippi has probably the lowest cost of living in the country

Deleted member 11413 · Apr 8, 2018

FiveHandsMusic said:
$20-$25k a year. However, future opportunity is a major reason for wanting th relocation. That, and not wanting to raise children in Mississippi lol. Idk if I built MS. up at this terrible place in my head, but it's probably the last state id actively choose to live in.

You haven't built it up, it is probably the worst state in the entire country to live in.

FiveHandsMusic · Apr 8, 2018

Darren Lamb said:
Yeah I was wondering this too, I feel like it's important.

The extra money and change of scenery would be nice, but if OP is moving to Chicago or something, the extra money might not go as far as expected. Mississippi has probably the lowest cost of living in the country

It's Kansas City, MO. I have a cheap place to stay there with family until I get on my feet. I dont think it is my final spot, but I'll see how I like it. My goal is to get to a more liberal city with good opportunities.(idk if I should make this a big deal, but it does get tiring being the crazy liberal in conservative towns for so long lol). i realize this is still a very conservative area, but the opportunity is there and it cant be Mississippi bad.

FiveHandsMusic · Apr 8, 2018

double post

FiveHandsMusic · Apr 8, 2018

Yaboosh said:
Don't stay. Resentment is born from situations like this.

Maybe it works out maybe it doesn't. Maybe you don't like the new city or job. But from reading your post i just get the feeling that you need to try for your sake.

Moving away from my lovely girlfriend at the time from Florida to Colorado was the best thing i ever did. I'm biased because she did end up moving out 8 months later but that move was absolutely critical to my happiness in life.

That is idealy how this would work out for me. I doubt she is ever leaving Mississippi though.

Grimsen · Apr 8, 2018

Sounds like you already made up your mind.

ahoyhoy · Apr 8, 2018

Grimsen said:
Sounds like you already made up your mind.

Yep.

If you're seriously considering it chances are you're not super into the relationship.

FiveHandsMusic · Apr 8, 2018

ahoyhoy said:
Yep.

If you're seriously considering it chances are you're not super into the relationship.

I have considered marriage, but there are hurdles there. We have a good relationship, but a major one is her being Catholic from a strong catholic family while I am non religious/agnostic. We don't share many beliefs or hobbies either, but I don't personally find these things to be deal breakers.

zulux21 · Apr 8, 2018

FiveHandsMusic said:
I currently live in Mississippi with my GF, and my main goal has been to get out of Miss. for years now.

FiveHandsMusic said:
That is idealy how this would work out for me. I doubt she is ever leaving Mississippi though.

I mean this choice boils down to this.
promotion or not.
how badly do you want to leave Mississippi?
I mean if you want to really leave, and your GF never wants to leave, that just won't work regardless of promotion.

A difference that big might not be ruining your relationship at this moment, but your relationship will fall apart at some point unless you can figure out a solution to that problem.

Maximus · Apr 8, 2018

If you decide to move, that is most likely the end of your relationship.

Deleted member 11413 · Apr 8, 2018

FiveHandsMusic said:
It's Kansas City, MO. I have a cheap place to stay there with family until I get on my feet. I dont think it is my final spot, but I'll see how I like it. My goal is to get to a more liberal city with good opportunities.(idk if I should make this a big deal, but it does get tiring being the crazy liberal in conservative towns for so long lol). i realize this is still a very conservative area, but the opportunity is there and it cant be Mississippi bad.

Ok so you'd be going from Mississippi to KC? Perfect, I've lived both places so I can definitely help you.

Kansas City isn't exactly a liberal bastion but it will seem like it is coming from Mississippi, lol. It's also a growing city with a lot of opportunity and is generally a nice place to live, lots of young people and things to do.

GameAddict411 · Apr 8, 2018

Did you think about how you will feel if you stayed rather than left? Personally, any relationship(not even romantic) that forced to do something will start creating toxic feelings inside of me. Blaming that person for anything that fell on me for doing that certain thing. IMO your relationship has already ended even if you stayed. You feeling for her will change and you will start blaming her for feeling miserable in your home town. If you left and the relationship ended, it will only be bitter sweet. You will move on and she will as well. Less toxic emotions. Just make sure to end it rather drag it on for a long distance relationship. Those relationships don't work and just creates false hope that IMO leads to even more pain than a regular break up.

gozu · Apr 8, 2018

FiveHandsMusic said:
I know the decision is mine alone, but some perspective or insight would be appreciated here.

If she's truly special and a treasure, stay in Mississipi. If you think you can easily find another woman that you like as much or more, then definitely leave.

Which way does your thinking lean?

Lat · Apr 8, 2018

I relocated to another city for 6 months twice for work without my wife. It took a lot of patience and home sickness. Time dragged on for what it seemed forever.

Air · Apr 8, 2018

If you don't want to raise your kids in Mississippi and have been wanting to leave for a while, it sounds like you have your answer. Breakups suck, but you have to follow your heart sometimes and if this opportunity has opened up, take it. Sometimes you only get one opportunity to live your life without any regrets so you have to ask yourself, if you don't take the job would you regret it?

Mammoth Jones · Apr 8, 2018

I mean personally I wouldn't stay somewhere I hated for someone else because if the relationship tanks you're now somewhere you never wanted to be in terms of location and career.

If you're not both on the same page in terms of long term life goals you're going to run into a brick wall. The person who yields an gives up their long term goals can often be very bitter and resentful in the long run.

Deleted member 4367 · Apr 8, 2018

ahoyhoy said:
Yep.

If you're seriously considering it chances are you're not super into the relationship.

This is a terrible attitude and just wrong.

Ryaaan14 · Apr 8, 2018

FiveHandsMusic said:
You guys make great points. My fear if is stay; as cliched as it might sound, would be a growing resentment towards the relationship if I am not satisfied with my career or life in Mississippi. I'd hate for a creeping resentment to end the relationship when I am older(I am 30 now) with less options to leave than I have now. I would have her, but all of my friends and family are back in Louisiana where I moved from to Miss. for her.

It probably sounds like I am leaning towards leaving, and I am. I was 100% towards leaving until the reality of the job offer hit me. Going to go for a long run and try to get my mind right.

This is a spot on self analysis

Anti · Apr 8, 2018

Do what's better for yourself, dont attach your decisions relying on a future that is not certain. What if you stay because of your gf and the relationship ends and you never get another chance? You will blame her and yourself for it, hard choice but I would always choose what's better for me.

Musha_Soturi · Apr 8, 2018

Leave

DirtyLarry · Apr 8, 2018

Life is short OP, even if it does not seem that way right now, I am 43 and it feels like just yesterday I was 30. It starts going real quick.
I say go for it. Sounds like you want out of Mississippi for starters. Here is your chance.
I also say try to continue the relationship, and truth be told the long distance factor will work itself on its own, meaning if it is meant to be, you will know, and if it is not meant to be, you will know.

Deleted member 4034 · Apr 8, 2018

I'm sure you love your girlfriend and been through a lot, but ... it's Mississippi.
And those 12 hours are going to be brutal.

I think you know what to do, it's just a matter of saying it out loud at this point and becoming okay with the idea of it.

Inugami · Apr 8, 2018

I mean.. there is no reason why you have to completely abandon the relationship... Maybe just talk to your girlfriend. Tell her that you need to take this, but that doesn't mean you aren't still wanting to be with her.

Maybe something like "I have to take this opportunity and I don't want you to give up what you're built up yourself. Let's give each other 3 months/6months/1year/etc to see where we both are in our lives and see how everything works out."

Give both sides a way in and out while not blaming either side if things don't pan out.

This wouldn't necessarily be the same as a long distance relationship, but also not quite the same as "taking a break". Gives you both space, gives you both a solid time frame, etc.

Lebron · Apr 8, 2018

I lived in Canada, Chad and Germany for a few months for my work with my current GF. It was hard but we worked through it. Long distance is definitely really rough and draining. I don't think we could have done it if we newly couples. If you really want it to work, you can. Just takes lots of effort and reflection. If you're not or she isn't, then best to go your separate ways.

Durger · Apr 8, 2018

Career vs. relationship.

Have to choose what's more important to you.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

FeliciaFelix · Apr 8, 2018

Man, I wouldn't wish Mississippi on my worst enemy.

How serious is she about staying there? She says family and business, but if you were to float the idea of marriage, how would she react? Maybe she'd take leaving more seriously if she had a secure thing going on. If I had to leave but still stay in girlfriend status, a part of me would think I'm risking all for a relationship not moving forward. Marriage of course doesn't last forever, but I'd hate to leave my business and then come back because the thing ended. Anyway you should talk to her.

FiveHandsMusic · Apr 8, 2018

Durger said:
Career vs. relationship.

Have to choose what's more important to you.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

I just turned 30.

FeliciaFelix said:
Man, I wouldn't wish Mississippi on my worst enemy.

How serious is she about staying there? She says family and business, but if you were to float the idea of marriage, how would she react? Maybe she'd take leaving more seriously if she had a secure thing going on. If I had to leave but still stay in girlfriend status, a part of me would think I'm risking all for a relationship not moving forward. Marriage of course doesn't last forever, but I'd hate to leave my business and then come back because the thing ended. Anyway you should talk to her.

I think i will bring this up tonight. Not going to propose, but let her know I am serious.

FiveHandsMusic · Apr 8, 2018

DirtyLarry said:
Life is short OP, even if it does not seem that way right now, I am 43 and it feels like just yesterday I was 30. It starts going real quick.
I say go for it. Sounds like you want out of Mississippi for starters. Here is your chance.
I also say try to continue the relationship, and truth be told the long distance factor will work itself on its own, meaning if it is meant to be, you will know, and if it is not meant to be, you will know.

That is how I am feeling. I already notice the speed life is going from my early 20s to late 20s/30. It is happening fast.

WillyTheBikeGuy · Apr 8, 2018

Can she not run her business in a new city? The extra money you make can make up the difference until she gets a foothold.

FiveHandsMusic · Apr 8, 2018

WillyTheBikeGuy said:
Can she not run her business in a new city? The extra money you make can make up the difference until she gets a foothold.

She definitely could, but it's not going to happen. Ive offered help opening a new location while she hired managers to run the current spot. No go, Mississippi is home. She plans to build a house here within a year.

Inugami · Apr 8, 2018

FiveHandsMusic said:
She definitely could, but it's not going to happen. Ive offered help opening a new location while she hired managers to run the current spot. No go, Mississippi is home. She plans to build a house here within a year.

Sounds like she's already made her decision then... so what's left for you to decide?

Random Painted Highway · Apr 8, 2018

30 and win someone for four years and you don't know if you haven't discussed marriage or children? Time to move on and find yourself op, there is time left for you.

Relocating without significant other.

wonky

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