TEACHING YOUR BABY TO SLEEP
It is important that your baby learns to go to sleep by himself. If he is rocked, shushed or fed to sleep then when he wakes in the night he will expect you to still be there as you were when he fell asleep. If he has got himself to sleep without your presence when he wakes, he will open his eyes, check around and find that everything is the same as when he fell asleep, feel secure and be much more likely to be able to fall back to sleep without any help. If he fell asleep in your arms or with you hanging over the cot looking at him and he wakes to find himself in his cot alone he is much more likely to panic and to start screaming for you!
So, when you put your baby to bed, make sure that he is awake (or at least vaguely aware of what is going on). When you have finished feeding him give him a big cuddle and say something like 'It is night time now sweetheart and you are going to sleep all night tonight in your own cot. I know that you can do this.' Give him a big kiss, put him in the cot and leave the room as fast as you can.
Stand outside and wait for the penny to drop! When he starts to cry go straight in and pick him up and give him a big cuddle. Calm him right down. He will now be thinking that you are going to do the rocking or the shushing or the swinging from the light bulb or whatever it is that you normally do to try and coax him to close those eyes and go to sleep. Remember from now on it is not your responsibility to get your baby to sleep – he is responsible for that. It is your job to make sure that the circumstances are such that he can get himself to sleep.
Once he is calm say again 'It is night time now sweetheart and you are going to sleep all night in your own cot. I know you can do this'. Give him a big kiss and put him in the cot and then beat your retreat as fast as is humanely possible.
Stand outside the bedroom door – you haven't got time to go anywhere! Once he realizes what is going on he is going to yell! Leave him for 30 seconds then go back in and pick him up and calm him down then repeat your mantra – put him back with a kiss and leave.
Repeat this at the following intervals:
1 minute
1 minute 30 seconds
2 minutes
2 minutes 30 seconds
3 minutes
3 minutes 30 seconds
4 minutes
4 minutes 30 seconds
5 minutes
5 minutes 30 seconds
6 minutes
If your baby is still awake go back to the 1 minute and then go in at 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 and 6 minutes. Repeat this last step as many times as is necessary.
I would be very surprised if you get this far. Generally by about the 5 minute mark there will be crying that is more of a yell than a cry, interspersed with periods of quiet as your baby listens to see if you have heard what he is indignantly trying to tell you and you are on your way back. On average a baby will give up and go to sleep somewhere between the 4 and 6 minute mark.
By picking your baby up and bringing him right back to calm every time we can avoid periods of prolonged crying which result in a baby being very distressed, bright purple and wondering if he can still trust you.
When I am physically on site this method has had a 100% success rate within a week, so far. If I am not there it tends to take longer. From speaking to parents who have tried to do this on their own I have worked out the 'shortcuts' they try to take which actually hinder the process.
- Do stick to the timed intervals. Many parents have said that going in actually made the baby worse so they stopped going in as often as they should. This method is designed to make the child feel safe and secure and at the same time send a very clear message that you mean business this time. By not going in at the timed intervals the baby can fall asleep feeling anxious and then wake a little later. On the first night this is a normal pattern – he may need the reassurance that you are still there – but by night three you should only be having to attend to the baby very briefly in the night and he may well be sleeping through. By not going in as often as you should you can delay the whole process and I wouldn't like to comment on how secure the child will feel!
- Do pick him up and give him a cuddle even though you may feel sure that it is making things worse and you have read in all the books that you shouldn't get him out the cot and shouldn't even make eye contact with him. Picking him up does two things – it reassures the child that you are not cross with him and the shock of being put back down reinforces quite quickly that you are not going to give up this time and that you are in charge. By picking up and putting down you send the message that you mean business as many times in ten minutes as you would if you shut the door and left him to cry every night for a week.
- Also it worries me that the books all say 'Don't pick your child up or make any eye contact with them'. You would never behave like that during the day. You would never not look at your child or cuddle them if they were crying. Having a parent that behaves so differently at night must be scary for a baby. 'That looks like my mum but she isn't acting like my mum. What's going on?!!!' Comfort your child at night in the same way that you would during the daytime. They haven't done anything wrong. They are not in trouble. It's not their fault that they don't know how to get themselves to sleep so don't punish them – teach them.
- Do have drink of water on hand. If you think he needs a drink because he has been very cross with you then give him this as soon as you go in. Once he has had his drink give him his cuddle and then carry on as normal. It is important to give the drink as soon as you go in so that he doesn't think he got it because he yelled. The last thing he needs to remember is the kiss and being put back down.
The same rule applies if he needs a nappy change, clothes change, nose wipe or anything else that makes him physically comfortable. If he should chose to make himself sick to put the frighteners on you be very matter of fact. Don't speak but clean him and his bedding up as quickly as possible and then carry on as though it hadn't happened. I would stress that this is very unlikely but want to cover every option that I can think of. Of course, this only applies if he has been sick because he is angry. If you have the slightest suspicion that your child may be unwell then YOU HAVE TO STOP! This method can only be used on a child you know is healthy.
If after you have laid him down he pops up and is standing in the cot leave the room anyway. When you go back in next time you will lay him down again. We do not want him to think that he can get you engaged in any kind of a 'game'. If you lay him back down he will only pop up again and this could go on all night! When he realizes that there is no point in standing up he will stop doing it and go to sleep.
The same applies if he throws things out of the cot and starts using dummies and muslins and teddies as missiles. Pick them up and put them back in the cot and then leave the room. Only put them back once. If they come flying out again leave them on the floor. When you go back in next time pick them up and put them back. He will soon learn that he gets them back but if he throws them again he has to wait. You may feel this will delay the process as he won't go to sleep without his teddy/dummy/mussi but it will avoid all game playing and put you completely in control.
MAKE SURE THE BOTTOM OF THE COT IS LOW ENOUGH SO THAT YOUR CHILD CANNOT ESCAPE. IF HE CAN STAND UP, THE TOP OF THE BARS SHOULD COME TO AROUND HIS CHEST AREA. IF HE CAN LEAN OVER THE WEIGHT OF HIS HEAD COULD PULL HIM OUT AND HE MAY HURT HIMSELF.
Once he has gone to sleep give him a few minutes and then stick your head in and check on him. If he has fallen asleep at the end of the cot then gently move him back to the middle in a comfy place. We don't want him waking up in 20 minutes because he has jammed himself at the end and has moved and bumped his head and woken himself. If he has fallen asleep on his own he is likely to be in a much deeper sleep than if you got him to sleep. If you do wake him then just start all over again. It will be easier to do that than to go to sleep for ten minutes and then have to wake up again.
Every time he wakes in the night start the process from the beginning. If you have been doing the process and thought he had gone to sleep but he hadn't then carry on from where you left off. Only start again if he has been asleep for more than 45 minutes e.g. if you were on the six minute interval and he had gone quiet for a few minutes fooling you into thinking he had gone to sleep and then he had started crying again go straight in and carry on from the six minute mark.
Expect the first night to be horrible –the second night to be rough and the third night to be much better. Many babies start sleeping through within a week – a couple of times I have seen this on the second night! Remember though – it may have been many months of bad sleeping habits before you reached out for help and we can't expect your baby to learn a whole new way in one night. It is a learning curve and you are on it together.
Do not start this unless you are sure that you can finish. By giving up halfway through you send the message that the baby is in charge and when you want to try and do it again it will be much more difficult for you and for your baby. He will think that you are having a laugh and that if he makes enough fuss you will give in so it will be harder for you to attempt the second time around than the first. You only have one chance to go at this from a clean place.
If you do go for it then DON'T GIVE UP! You will see the results quickly and it will be worth it. For a few nights it may be more work than you are currently having to do but in the long term it will pay off.
