how often do you think about killing yourself?

It would be hyperbolic to say every waking moment but goddamn if it doesn't feel like that. I came incredibly close to suicide twice now, the last time I got admitted in the hospital and had all of my medications switched around. Things have been pretty ok since then but to say that the thoughts aren't still there would be false.

The fact that I still consistently have those thoughts makes me wonder what the medication is actually doing.

Pretty often, couple times a week. Will never do it though, death is too scary

Like the hat? said:

About 75 percent of my waking time.

If i didn't have kids I'd do it right now. Since i do have kids i never will. I'll still think about it though.

Most of my conscious time is spent hating myself and wishing i was dead. I day dream about it often. But i would never hurt my kids that way.

If anything ever happened to them, though? I already have it planned how I'd do it. Belt around my throat, hung from a closet pole, bottle of vodka until i pass out.

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How many kids do you have, brother? Do your kids get the sense of your inner struggles or do you mask that well?

Seesaw15 said:

Sure OP I'll play ball.

Whenever I'm on top of a really tall building my brain always thinks "Hey what if you jump off" for like half a second.

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Call of the void

Just finished reading the second to last volume of PunPun and this pops up as soon as I'm done? Whoa

To answer your question, never.

Zom said:

Many times, but its more like, I wonder how people will react to my death that i want to die.

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ok this i've done

Countless times over my life span. Even the years when I was married and "happy", I'd have the image of putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger flash through my mind just about every week, if not more. A couple years ago, it got particularly bad and I tried to act out my ideation, except with pills. Fortunately, I survived, but it took many, many months of SSRI's and therapy before I stopped thinking about it every hour of every day

These days, the ideation is far less frequent, and when it does come, it's seldom in the mood of utter, bottomless despair it used to always dwell in. (It's more a last-resort-if-the-government-starts-rounding-up-trans-people kinda thing.)

I did about two months ago. This was reconciled pretty quickly with trips to the therapist and medication. Please seek these out asap OP

args said:

fantasize and theorize about it.

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I totally get what you mean, OP. Sometimes seems like a real relief, but then when I feel all right, I can't even imagine it.

Since I was like 12, I've thought about it quite a lot. There are months where it is several times a day, and then there are times when it's not at all. Lately, it has been not at all, which is good.

I'd give you a hug if I could, OP. I hope you find yourself thinking more about the endless possibilities with life, instead of the end of possibilities with death. Be kind to yourself tonight. If that's hard, I'll be kind to you. Shoot me a DM if you ever want to talk, because I understand what you're saying.

few times a week

BringBackSonics said:

How many kids do you have, brother? Do your kids get the sense of your inner struggles or do you mask that well?

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I have two boys. One has a lot of anxiety and one has autism. I try really hard to hide things from them. They are only six and eight. They are the only thing i care about. I have no feeling of the importance of life and i think there is nothing special about living. However, i know that if i did anything it would hurt them even if i personally put no value on my own life. I will never do anything to hurt them. My own struggles with life and depression and self hated i would live ten thousand fold for them. Despite the fact i don't want to live, i will do it for as long as my body holds out for them, to be there for them, to be able to tell them i love them.

Maybe once a week. I won't ever do it but it's something interesting to think about.
I find it odd that others don't ever think about it. Even as a curiosity.

Oh, every day. Death and mortality generally preoccupies much of my thinking on a regular basis as of late. I managed to stop cutting myself but if I'm being honest, holding a knife to my wrist is still a significant comfort and stress reliever. I just try to avoid actively being in the habit of it. I do still keep a rainy day stash of pills (turns out lying to your doctor is suuuuper easy) and razors for the day when things get too much to handle, though.

Life more often than not feels like a terrifying nightmare I desperately need to wake up from.

I only get intrusive thoughts when I'm bored.

Idle hands, I guess.

often enough.

Like the hat? said:

I'd never be able to own or even hold a gun because i would never trust myself

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I was in the military, wasn't an issue back then. I think I always had an underlying depression, but it wasn't really triggered until after I got out.

A lot of people are surprised by your thread here but I honestly understand what you're feeling. I've thought a lot about wishing I would just die in my sleep or something like that. I just feel tired of everything at times. I saw a therapist in the past for about a year but eventually realized she wasn't very helpful. I still feel this way sometimes but realize I need to make changes and crawl out of this place, and so do you.

Daily, often for a long time per day. It's been like this since high school when I was close to several peers who actually did it. It's no longer an immediate risk and is not something I think I'll ever try again, but is something that my mind will probably never be able to stop being obsessed about. As shitty as it is I've learned to live with it and accept that that shit is as much a part of me as everything else, which sucks, but that's life

args said:

dude yeah! i'm not the only one then. as fucked up as it sounds, i also start thinking about how people would react to the news of my death. and then i think about how my family would react, and that's more than enough to be like nah.

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I get it, you kind of question your worth to your loved ones, or the kind of impact or legacy you have created. In my head I think of, who would come to my funeral? How would people remember me?

Everyday but I have no plans to do it.

I believe life is inherently pointless and while that gives no reason to kill one's self (it gives no reason at all). Putting up with the struggles of life when I can just get my eventual non-existence over with is appealing.

Whether I die today or a hundred years from now makes no difference since the end result is exactly the same.

You're not the only one OP. I do it daily often multiple times per day. Whimsical stuff like if I should just jump in front of the train/bus or less suicidal but pretty morbid stuff like the car I'm in crashing, so on. I'm used to it at this point honestly.

About once a week things seem desperate enough that I think about it for a split second. It's not serious and it doesn't stay long, but untreated mental health issues aren't a ton of fun.

For a long time, that was my comforting thought. It would help me relax and sleep at night.

I spent most of my adult life thinking it was nothing but a relaxing thought, a fantasy of something better. ( I should clarify, I'd had these thoughts since I was 5 or 6 years old, I'm 36.)

Under stress and some difficulties, it took a much darker turn. I was in the hospital for a while after I tried to kill myself and it took a a lot for me to accept that those thoughts were not healthy and were a sign of longtime severe depression. I never wanted to admit that because I had lived with it for so long, I believed it was just a normal thing for me.

Therapy, a strong support system, a job I enjoy and really being honest with myself changed my life quite a bit. I don't have those thoughts anymore, and I am happy with how I'm living.

I guess I'm sharing because what you described was me a few years ago and it got very, very bad for me. I don't want anyone to feel the way I felt. I encourage you to talk to someone and be open to the possibility of a life where those thoughts are not where your mind goes to be comforted.

Never, I want to live forever so people can bask in my greatness for eternity.

Like the hat? said:

I have two boys. One has a lot of anxiety and one has autism. I try really hard to hide things from them. They are only six and eight. They are the only thing i care about. I have no feeling of the importance of life and i think there is nothing special about living. However, i know that if i did anything it would hurt them even if i personally put no value on my own life. I will never do anything to hurt them. My own struggles with life and depression and self hated i would live ten thousand fold for them. Despite the fact i don't want to live, i will do it for as long as my body holds out for them, to be there for them, to be able to tell them i love them.

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I hear you. I have an 8 year old son and A 3 year old daughter. My 8 year old has some anxiety and I know that it comes from me. I apologize to my wife every day for that. I've learned to put up a good face, and for the most part I'm pretty on top of my emotions

It seems like every waking hour. It's a constant thought in the back of my mind.

Several times a day tbh. Seems inevitable.

I thought about it a few times before I came out to my friends and family, but since then it hasn't occurred to me at all. So, for where I am in my life right now, it functionally never happens.

How often? I dunno. I just let that thought do its talking and do my best to ignore it. I'm 40, and it's been there since I was 9.

Less than people would think considering how I am with life right now

A couple of times a month.

The thought passes through my head at least once a day. Never act on it. I have gotten used to it.

It's funny. I think it was at the beginning of secondary school where I asked my best friend at the time how often he thought of killing himself (or just dying). I was surprised when he told me, "Never." I thought he was lying because, in my world view, everyone thought about it as often as I did, or at least a bit less frequently.

Turns out that isn't the case, heh. I still do, probably every other day. Every day if I'm not occupying my time with things constantly.

I'd be too much of a coward to actually perform the act, but it is a recurring thought.

I used to tell it to myself "whimsically" until I realized I wasn't anymore. I've since improved my confidence, my life, and promised myself to not even joke about it ever again.

Couple times a week. Nothing too serious

Multiple times a day, every day

Never

Get help; these thoughts get more intrusive over time. Especially with the regularity you're describing.

Never, and it makes me sad that fellow ERA members do. :(

every single day

thankfully(?) I live in canaduh thou and got put into a psych ward three months ago after my suicide attempt, they have a great program there! came out very optimistic with goals etc. when I went home my apartment was looted, I live in a budget place with lots of sketchy "friends" of the neighbours that continually steal from each other.. it was a trip coming home to that. anyway, I have seemed to lost a lot of the enthusiasm I brought from the hospital since but I kno that I will let down a lot of people when I do off myself, kind of wish killing yourself wasnt so taboo in this century so I can just get it over with. going to be late with rent this month, again. well! bring on winter

All the time. Too scared to go through with it though.

Every once in a while. I know I would never do it though. Because, I don't want to actually die. That would suck.

Nah, I have shit to do