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My wife is a homophobe...wtf? Fantastic Beasts 2 Spoilers
- Thread starter MrMephistoX
- Start date
People are being pretty rediculous, best thing you can do is talk about it with your wife and not people on here.
The amount of people posting about how "Era" can't handle differences of opinion here is crazy. This dumb way of thinking that all "opinions" are equally valid blows me away.
Who cares why she's homophobic? It's a shitty way of thinking regardless.
First off, wow at that spoiler, haha. As if anyone seeing the title doesn't instantly know what it's concerning at first glance unless you've been under a rock.
For the issue here, wow. I'm not sure what is the most insane. The "advice" some people here offer to threads like this, or the folks that would foolishly follow a single bit of it.
For the issue here, wow. I'm not sure what is the most insane. The "advice" some people here offer to threads like this, or the folks that would foolishly follow a single bit of it.
So you're okay with it and don't even plan to talk to her about it. Nice.
Doubly nice that being homophobic can be just be waved away as "beliefs" and "opinions"! I'm sure your gay friends would be pleased to hear that.
Yeah. For me, how people talk/communicate is the most important factor in me falling for them. So, hopefully, I'd have a clear idea of where they stood before we got in too deep. But not everyone's like that. Intense passion/lust makes people idealize the object of their "love." And if something about the one they "love" is unclear or unknown, they may assume stuff or fill in the blanks in a way that keeps the oxytocin flowing.
I wonder if there's a chance that OP and his spouse are still misunderstanding each other. If - and that's a big if - neither is fluent in each other's main language, he might be talking about a gay relationship in a movie, when it's really the race of totally different characters in a music video that's bugging his wife.
OP, how certain are you that your wife is a homophobe and not, in fact, a racist?
Even if you're confident that your wife is in fact talking about Dumbledore and Grindelwald, it might be good idea to talk to her about other topics that are important to you.
I think the Wechat groups are a red herring. Sounds to me like OP married a traditional Chinese woman who maybe got more conservative with age (i.e. "gay friends are fine but not my children") and (OP's words) has no non-Chinese friends i.e. culturally she essentially is still in China. And then OP never asked her about any issues like these and doesn't seem to mind.
I won't pretend to have much experience with marriage but I have dated international students and people from different backgrounds and if it's going anywhere serious I try to get stuff like this out of the way. Part of respecting their culture is making sure a) you know all the differences in beliefs and b) you are okay with them or are willing to change your life for them.
I won't pretend to have much experience with marriage but I have dated international students and people from different backgrounds and if it's going anywhere serious I try to get stuff like this out of the way. Part of respecting their culture is making sure a) you know all the differences in beliefs and b) you are okay with them or are willing to change your life for them.
In that order.
But seriously, that's fucked up. I don't think i'd be able to maintain that relationship. It would be something always present in the back of my mind and it would kill any good feelings towards the person eventually. Assuming i would even want to make it work, which i doubt.
User Banned (permanent): Homophobia; previous severe infractions
What is weird about this? Being friends with someone doesn't mean you approve of everything thing they do or want their life choices pushed onto their kids. It's shocking I know, but someone being straight or gay is not always a major factor on whether you wanna be friends with someone. Decisions between consenting adults doesn't mean you want it in your kid's movies.
Reading some of the replies, i feel people believe it's impossible for an homophobe to change. Once you're branded, you're fucked?
"Branded"? Really? Are you implying that she and other homophobes are victims somehow?
Calling a homophobe a homophobe is worse than being a homophobe really. They're more oppressed than LGBT people I hear.
That's unfortunate. Not being married myself I would have assumed you might have talked about things, in general, to gauge each other's views before marrying but I guess not.
He never said that. He's saying that people here aren't willing to help people change or even ready to consider it is possible. Which I think is generally true. The posts in this thread calling for him to talk with her and work to convince her of that she's wrong to think this way are the right posts. The posts lamenting his 10 year marriage are absurd.
No absolutely not. Homophobia has no place in modern society. I just don't see an openess to talk to these people by some
OP
OP
I mean we did and she's totally pro gay marriage and as I said has gay friends...her issue was more about the topic being raised in a kids movie and if that's appropriate. Not ending my marriage over it but it just came out of left field for me.
Fuck off with this. Being gay isn't a choice and it's not something you can push on to your children. Being friends with someone while having such bigoted view on what they are as a person, something they are ... think about it.
Yeah, I get ya. Wasn't saying I know relationships better than you. You never know right until you know. You can only talk to her about how you feel about how she feels etc. It's certainly not a relationship killer. If she is pro-gay marriage then it's a head scratcher for sure.
OP
OP
I'm not OK with it I just don't think opinions are worth ending a commitment to raise a decent human being together. I mean by this logic I should have kicked granny to the curb and severed all contact with her for using the J word when describing the Japanese in WWII. To me just saying, I'm not comfortable, is a far cry from refusing to even be in the same room with a gay couple or not being friends at all. She was coming at it more from the standpoint that it would influence a kid to be gay because they don't know anything...my stance is you're born gay.
Wait..Johnny Depp's character and Dumbledore had sex?
Maybe I'll watch these movies, after all.
Maybe I'll watch these movies, after all.
I haven't seen the movie yet but does Dumbledore even do anything explicitly gay in it? I only saw that one clip where he sees Depp in the mirror. If that's the only thing it makes this even more ridiculous. It's like just knowing a character is gay and having to be reminded we exist in any way is going too far for some people.
What a dumpster fire of a thread that somehow kept going long after OP was politely informed that maybe a message board wasn't the place to raise this issue when your wife is right there to discuss this with.
If she approves of gay marriage or relationships then there shouldn't be an issue as to whether or not it's appropriate to be in a kids movie. If she has an issue with it then that means there's something about being gay that she inherently feels is harmful to kids in comparison to the thousands of kids movies that portray heterosexual relationships.
They don't have sex in the movie but there's a couple of scenes where's it heavily implied that they were lovers when they were students at Hogwarts.
I saw very few posters saying this was worth ending a marriage over and I doubt that even half of them were serious so I'm not sure why you're hung up on that when most of the this thread has just been telling you to talk to her. It really isn't that hard and considering how long you've been married this shouldn't be that big of a deal if she's really as "pro-gay marriage" as you claim.
the existence of gay people is perfectly fine subject matter for a G film, let alone PG-13
how exactly does the movie cover this anyway? do they literally talk about how the two characters had intercourse? or just that they were a thing?
I was a homophobe during my teens years (1990s), I evolved as soon as I hit the workplace and had gay co-workers who were fine people. I became pro same sex marriage in the late 2000s
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!
If her issue were with an interracial couple, would you still make this case?
How the fuck is this not a red flag to you?
She is homophobic. She's a bigot. I would absolutely not be okay with this on any level and would make steps to stamp it out completely before any of her toxic bullshit gets carried over to the kid. The way you're shrugging this off in a boys-will-be-boys manner is really disturbing to me.
You are obviously aware, but make sure you keep in mind China in general is decades behind the US in terms of social awareness. If she's still immersed in that culture through social media, it's going to bleed over.
Maybe consider some sort of antidote to her ideas, like if you can find media/documentaries about gay people, and then start out framing it as a big cultural difference (do not directly say or imply they are "behind," that's a recipe for disaster).
Hopefully she'll start to see homophobia as 1) wrong and 2) be aware of the Chinese bias, and thus be able to at least ignore the shit she sees on WeChat.
EDIT: okay so you're not looking for advice... well, okay then
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Top Gun-implied or actually implied?
By that I mean speculation vs actual.
Why are you just jumping straight to "ending a commitment" ? Most people have said you should talk to her about it and from your following replies you're not even willing to do this, you're just content with tolerating homophobia (and raising a kid to do the same btw).
Hopefully your kid doesn't grow up to be gay.
1. Don't tell people "i'm not looking for advice". It comes off as rude and condescending.
2. You SHOULD be looking for advice. Advice is free. Nobody's forcing you to heed it either.
3. Your wife is socially backward in liberal america, but perfectly reasonable and liberal by chinese standards. It's really not her fault. You're 100% right to cut her immense slack on this.
4. I wouldn't bother with logic and reason with her. Studies have shown you have to get bigoted people by the feelings. Gay people SHE LIKES (super important!!!) needs to sit and (gently) open up to her about their childhood and how toxic your wife's views end up being. She needs to internalize gayness isn't going to wait until the child is 18 and feel compassion for those poor wee children. <---It's a great thing she already has gay friends. You're already half there!
My GF loves the gays. Her BFF is gay.
I grew up in a muslim-majority country where homosexuality didn't exist (ha!) My first experience knowing a gay person was some high schooler hitting on me over the phone, initially under the pretense that maybe I could help him with his homework, then quickly went into "have you ever experimented". Why not? Are you SURE you want to experiment? Are you REALLY sure you're not gay? How would you know if you've never tried. For like 45 minutes straight. I was very nice and patient because i didn't want him to feel discriminated against.
My second experience was my history teacher coming out to the entire class the last week of the trimester. He was a fabulous teacher and the classroom was very supportive, which warmed my heart. His BF had told him he was bisexual or something and he was in a bad place at the time.
He was the reason why I eventually abandoned religion because I couldn't reconcile what the koran says about gays and the reality but I knew in my heart there was no way my teach was a bad person or that him seeking love and happiness was a bad thing.
That is to say, knowing gay people should greatly diminish her homophobia. Not sure why that didn't happen. Maybe I'm just a great guy with a heart of gold. Yeah, that's probably it. Yay me.
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See what Rendering said.
In this context I believe it's perfectly appropriate to point out that homosexuality isn't just human choice, which is why even if kids see gay couples they're not going to suddenly decide to "be gay." Clearly OP's wife is fine with other people being gay but seems to think that it's not actually okay. More like, hate the sin, love the sinner, kind of mindset, in which I'd argue that her understanding of homosexuality is flawed. She's Chinese, and seems to be very Chinese (is OP in China?), so I don't think it's so much a religion thing as perhaps an ignorance thing. She may find it "unnatural." She can support her friends while still having the wrong beliefs about what it is to be gay.
1. Fantastic Beasts is NOT a children's movie.
2. Why is hetero romance okay in a children's movie, but not same sex?
3. Did she raise any objections about Queenie literally enchanting her partner to get married? Is rape an appropriate topic?
4. What about all the child abuse scenes? I couldn't even stand to watch, were those okay?
IMO her asking if it's "appropriate" shows that she still thinks homosexuality is, at its core, somehow wrong. Otherwise, why would she care? Children's movies have romance in them ALL the time.
I know a lot of Chinese parents that don't have a problem with gay people as long as they "keep it to themselves." I think you have a chance to educate her about homosexuality, and I think you should take it.
The fact a person holds shitty views on a specific subject doesn't necessarily mean they are irredeemable advocates of that particular opinion.
Sometimes, extremely rigid and stupid conservative views manage to make their way into the brains of otherwise perfectly articulate people simply because those views happened to be dominant around them at some point in their life - usually when they were young and more vulnerable.
If, for whatever reason, these individuals never find themselves facing the necessary counterpoints to challenge those views later on in life, it can so happen that objectively wrong ideas survive well past their due date.
But the good news is that a sane argumentation can right that, potentially even very easily and very quickly.
Here's an anecdote. A few years ago, while we were watching a TV news report about a woman who had been raped, my (Japanese) wife out of the blue spat out the whole "girls shouldn't dress provocatively" shtick, just like that.
Initially, I was taken aback.
But then one commentator on the program made the exact same comment, and no one dared to confront him solely because he was older.
That's when it struck me: that crappy opinion was the only one my wife had ever been significantly exposed to in her life, and she was just mechanically parroting it without thinking.
I suggested she read about victim blaming, and how in a crime the perpetrator is always the only culprit.
In 20 minutes tops, her opinion had completely changed.
So my advice: talk about it.
You're in no rush to lawyer up, you don't need to divorce before Thursday.
Take some time to detail your views.
Homophobia is never rooted in rationality. So don't give up just yet.
She's your wife of 10 years, not someone you met online last week.
time for a divorce, i hope you dont have kids, go to the gym, work on yourself, if you were a real LGBTQ ally then you would have detected this, etc
At the very least we do know that no one chooses whom they're sexually attracted to. It just sort of happens and there's not much you can do about it. To even imply it's a choice is to admit that you too could just look at someone of the same sex and get incredibly aroused on command, which I'm pretty sure no one is able to do. You should consider this an opportunity to educate your wife on the subject, preferably with the help of your mutual gay friends. Look at how many people who grew up to not be heterosexual despite an almost complete absence of LGBT representation in media when they grew up.
Statistics show that children who grow up with same-sex parents are just as well off, if not better off on average. Nor are they more likely to end up being non-heterosexual than children of heterosexual couples, or single parents for that matter. Homosexuality is also natural by its very definition, since it exists in nature and is not limited to humans.
Is she okay with your kid being around your gay friends, especially the couple(s)?
