Saying people change their mind a lot is not telling them what to think.
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Not wanting children.
- Thread starter TheBiInBilingual
- Start date
Saying people change their mind a lot is not telling them what to think.
calling people dumb for stating something that is an absolute certain for them basically is an invalidation of the way they think.
I didn't call anyone dumb, I said the premise of it was dumb. Sorry if you thought it was personal.
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For a number of reasons, having a baby was the best thing to happen in my life.
That being said, after experiencing the changes it brings to your life (the good and the bad), I came to really understand that this is indeed not something for everyone and that choosing not to have children is a perfectly understandable, reasonable and sound personal decision.
Before that I couldn't really understand it I think. I did understand intellectually but not emotionally, since it was such a strong urge for me.
That being said, after experiencing the changes it brings to your life (the good and the bad), I came to really understand that this is indeed not something for everyone and that choosing not to have children is a perfectly understandable, reasonable and sound personal decision.
Before that I couldn't really understand it I think. I did understand intellectually but not emotionally, since it was such a strong urge for me.
Nobody should look down on anyone for not wanting kids regardless of the reason, it's their life, not yours.
That doesn't necessarily have to determine whether you have kids if you wanted.
Certainly will look for it once I'm in the realm of 30s and things have stabilized for the better. 2 kids will be enough. I've had frustrated uncles that have 3 children since they have been either male or female, but I won't mind much on that (we face plenty of other things to worry about in our mortal lifetime).
As for now, no. Too busy on other stuff.
As for now, no. Too busy on other stuff.
Missus and I made this decision basically as soon as we got together (about 20 yrs old). We're now both around 40 and we have never even considered changing our minds.
Only you know how likely it is that your decision is final. For some people it's a strong feeling that they never will. For others, it's less certain. It's also far less certain until you're in a long term relationship (as obviously meeting someone new could change your feelings on things).
For what it's worth, we've had some real nasty reactions towards it. Visceral. Like we'd spat in a parent's face and said YOU'VE MADE THE WRONG DECISION HAVING KIDS.
Only you know how likely it is that your decision is final. For some people it's a strong feeling that they never will. For others, it's less certain. It's also far less certain until you're in a long term relationship (as obviously meeting someone new could change your feelings on things).
For what it's worth, we've had some real nasty reactions towards it. Visceral. Like we'd spat in a parent's face and said YOU'VE MADE THE WRONG DECISION HAVING KIDS.
Show them this video ...
... while they're distracted just walk away, there's not much more to discuss anyway
... while they're distracted just walk away, there's not much more to discuss anyway
As a father of 2 who didnt expect to be (I'm sure it's a common story). I respect people that have chosen not to have children because they have made a choice to miss out on some life experiences so that they can be happy in other ways. I admire and respect that choice, and people with kids that insist everyone else should are the worst.
No kids? Enjoy your extra income, sleep, freedome, peaceful meals in restaurants, holidays, late nights and lie ins..
(I love my kids more than anything , though)
No kids? Enjoy your extra income, sleep, freedome, peaceful meals in restaurants, holidays, late nights and lie ins..
(I love my kids more than anything , though)
I'm gonna take a wild stab and assume he's aware of the concept of adoption
Seems like a lousy, selfish ass reason to bring a life into the world.
I think it's odd that my desire to play video games in my underwear all day is seen as less worthy than raising a kid. /s kinda but not really.
I know plenty of old people without kids that have amazing lives. I also know many old people with kids that are lonely as shit...
Neither is a guarantee of anything, but having kids to look after you / keep you company in your old age has to be up there with the worst reasons to have kids.
Neither is a guarantee of anything, but having kids to look after you / keep you company in your old age has to be up there with the worst reasons to have kids.
I feel pretty strongly about my wife and I having a kid (we both did) but I'd never look down upon anyone who felt the complete opposite. I pass no judgement on someone who doesn't want kids. It's the best thing that ever happened to me but that doesn't mean it's right for everyone.
Anyone who makes you feel bad for this is an asshole.
Anyone who makes you feel bad for this is an asshole.
I volunteer with an end of life care support program and hospices are full of people who have children who never come to see their dying parents.
Does all their disposable income and late morning lie ins come to visit the childless people on their deathbeds?
They don't. What kind of question is this? I replied to someone who said having children just that someone will be there for you when you are old is dumb and that is something I agree with. Doesn't mean people who don't have children have it better. Be content either way.
Meh, I always wanted kids and now I have 2. They mean everything to me, and wouldn't change a thing. However, if you don't want kids, there's nothing wrong with that either. Being a parent is hard work, and honestly it takes a toll on your relationship with your spouse because you have less time for each other. A lot of people wind up in divorce after having kids, so I can understand why some people rather just enjoy life with their partner instead of dealing with the stress of raising another human being.
I imagine all that disposable income pays for somewhat better end of life care (I know one couple that basically live off cruise ships all year round). Plus no guilt in selling off your home to pay for things if you need to.
Is there a spreadsheet we can use to compare somewhere? :P
As someone who currently does not want kids and has seen several friends and family members form families recently, I'm constantly trying to be aware of this. I respect the hell out of people who choose to form families and I have no intention of trying to make them feel jealous or regretful. From the outside looking in, family life does not look like an easy thing to do.
As mentioned, I'm currently not interested in fathering a child. I'm open to the possibility that I could one day change my mind though. It's just that right now I don't see a way it wouldn't end poorly for both me and the child. I would do my best to care for the child's physical needs, but as an introvert I have a feeling I'd end up being socially neglectful and/or feeling trapped.
I'm a lot different now than I was only five years ago, though. So who knows? My father was a lot older than me when he got his first child and we share a lot of personality traits.
I didn't want kids at all for my whole life. Then I did, I didn't decide on a whim, it was over a couple of weeks of deep thoughts and discussions with my partner.
You need to sacrafice a lot but its the best decision I ever made.
You need to sacrafice a lot but its the best decision I ever made.
Out of interest, how old were you when you changed your mind? You say you didn't want kids your whole life. Was your partner the same way?
Honestly I don't think not wanting to have children is something you should feel weird about. It's possibly the most responsible choice. It's definitely more responsible than having children and then regretting it.
The only thing I'd advice against is... don't become one of those guys/gals who decide to have children past 40, and put their own interests in front of that of their kids. Don't become a father knowing you'll be too old to play ball with your son when he comes of age, don't have children that will have to look after you in your senile years when they're about to create a life for themselves or that will have to face debt and kickstarting projects when you're too old to help them and may actually require their assistance instead. Don't have sons that will have to grow their own without the help of their grandparents.
So, not wanting children is fine. Not wanting children and then changing your mind when it's too late is selfish.
The only thing I'd advice against is... don't become one of those guys/gals who decide to have children past 40, and put their own interests in front of that of their kids. Don't become a father knowing you'll be too old to play ball with your son when he comes of age, don't have children that will have to look after you in your senile years when they're about to create a life for themselves or that will have to face debt and kickstarting projects when you're too old to help them and may actually require their assistance instead. Don't have sons that will have to grow their own without the help of their grandparents.
So, not wanting children is fine. Not wanting children and then changing your mind when it's too late is selfish.
Imo choosing to have kids right now in this day and age is pretty irresponsible considering the world is going down the gutter a bit more everyday.
I was 33 my wife was 36. I'm not 100% sure how she felt before I approached the subject. She wanted to be with me and I had always been very clear I didn't want kids but maybe she would have tried to change my mind eventually or left me because she was immediately very keen when I suggested it.
I'm almost 40 and have never wanted kids for a second. But if I got married and ended up having them, eh, fine, I guess. Never actually desired them, though. Caught major shit about it from about 25 to 35 or so. I think that's when my family started to give up on it happening, lol.
User Banned (2 Weeks): Trolling. Previous infractions for similar behaviour.
By not having children you are basically saying you want cancer, racism, sexism, and violence to win. Children are our future, and to deprive the world of them and the positive change they could bring just says you were a bad person all along, wanting the world to suffer just as you did. Disgusting.
I go between wanting to have a kid to not wanting to have my own children to wanting to adopt a kid to not wanting any children at all. My girlfriend is in the same mix thankfully.
I had a convo with my brother recently about how her and I would likely get married and I said we most likely wouldn't get married in a church and they questioned why. They were cool with it, but it relates to the child thing too. Generations even as recent as the one before mine are heavily guided into tradition. Sounds simple and silly but the solution to people being weird about others not wanting kids will likely be my generation of millennials and the ones below me, likely not having a bunch of kids, or only having one or two kids per household, as opposed to the boomers who had anywhere between 3 and 10.
Things will change in time. But I can relate to you OP. it's frustrating to constantly answer those questions.
I had a convo with my brother recently about how her and I would likely get married and I said we most likely wouldn't get married in a church and they questioned why. They were cool with it, but it relates to the child thing too. Generations even as recent as the one before mine are heavily guided into tradition. Sounds simple and silly but the solution to people being weird about others not wanting kids will likely be my generation of millennials and the ones below me, likely not having a bunch of kids, or only having one or two kids per household, as opposed to the boomers who had anywhere between 3 and 10.
Things will change in time. But I can relate to you OP. it's frustrating to constantly answer those questions.
Why does it matter if they change their mind or not? Parents also can't guarantee they won't regret their kids, except in that case the kids have to suffer for it.
Now see, I wish I could unwatch GoT, it was a waste of my time. The difference is it doesn't really matter and I can move on with my life and don't have to watch GoT 24/7 for the next 18 years.
And it's fine to not want children because you're scared of the commitment to something you might not enjoy.
The point is that people bring it up because they fear you're missing out on something they really enjoyed or found special. It's natural to want to share that experience.
It can just get a bit annoying when tons of people do it repeatedly.
It doesn't matter, but saying you absolutely don't want something in life when life changes all the time just seems shortsighted, is all
i have two kids and i spent the better part of last weekend dealing with crying, puking, sick kids refusing to take medicine, eat dinner and just be miserable little shits all day. i wouldnt wish this on my enemies.
but man when the little one starts to kick and smile at the mere sight of me and when my toddler screams in joy every time i come home, i begin to remember how lucky i am.
in short, i completely understand not wanting kids. i kind of wanted them and i can barely handle them. if you dont want them you definitely shouldnt have them. its a full time job and makes marriage a 100x harder. DONT have kids if you dont want them.
Having everyone from family to complete strangers say you will change your mind on this life altering decision is condescending, is all.