Just gonna vent here because ive told the few people I know this story multiple times already and i dont want to be that guy thats always negative and complaining about their life cause then i might have even less friends.
I only have a couple friends (that I made in middle school, havent made any since and im 23) and most of the time I have nothing to do all weekend outside of reading things, watching tv, and exercising. Its fucking depressing, expecially after always hearing my coworkers talk about their crazy parties and cool things they always somehow manage to find every weekend. I want to be them so bad. Its hard for me to not wonder about how my life could have been in high school and college if I didnt have such a terrible time getting to know people. Id give anything to naturally make friends.
People always tell me i need to put myself out there, and be more confident and just talk. And then the friends will come naturally. Same advice every time, its like a broken record that's driving me mad. Not wasting money on therapists anymore cause they just say that over and over essentially. Every time I try and go to a meet up group I find online I generally can talk to people and have a nice conversation, but when it comes to actually making friends that i can regularly hang out with AFTER I have no idea how to do that. Ive had this problem my whole life, I could talk to people in classes at school regularly and generally had a few aquaintances each year but I could never make that next step to actually be friends with them. It was very hard for me to naturally try and ask people to do stuff. Even on the rare occasions where i could manage to work that into the conversation, they would learn no one else was coming because I dont have any friends, or what I wanted to do was kinda boring (best thing I can ever think of is movies or video games) so they would say no or that they had other plans. And of course, I have never had a single instance of any one of those people I met ever asking me to do anything with them. It always had to be me to initiate it, but since im a terribly uninteresting person I never had a good thing to ask them to do. Maybe i have aspergers? I talked to a doctor about that once and they said they didnt think I did. But i cant think of any other reason something so simple is so hard for me. Its like Im missing something normal people have.
The worst part is that ive tried to give up on making friends multiple times before in my past 10 years of loneliness, but it sucks so much that I always end up trying again. And after I realized i failed again, that's the worst feeling in the world. Its almost not worth it starting over and trying, just to feel like total shit when you realized you missed another oportunity. Especially since I know im still young and wasting what should be the best years of my life.
Basically, I hate being me. Yeah, yeah i know self esteem is a big part of the problem Ive been to several therapists and made multiple internet threads about this before. But thats how I want to feel. The only thing keeping me going is that my mom has had a pretty shit life and I want to be happy for her cause she doesnt need any more drama. And also I know I'm too much of a coward to ever commit suicide so I'm in it for the long haul.
Wait this thread was supposed to be about weekends. Whoops.
I only have a couple friends (that I made in middle school, havent made any since and im 23) and most of the time I have nothing to do all weekend outside of reading things, watching tv, and exercising. Its fucking depressing, expecially after always hearing my coworkers talk about their crazy parties and cool things they always somehow manage to find every weekend. I want to be them so bad. Its hard for me to not wonder about how my life could have been in high school and college if I didnt have such a terrible time getting to know people. Id give anything to naturally make friends.
People always tell me i need to put myself out there, and be more confident and just talk. And then the friends will come naturally. Same advice every time, its like a broken record that's driving me mad. Not wasting money on therapists anymore cause they just say that over and over essentially. Every time I try and go to a meet up group I find online I generally can talk to people and have a nice conversation, but when it comes to actually making friends that i can regularly hang out with AFTER I have no idea how to do that. Ive had this problem my whole life, I could talk to people in classes at school regularly and generally had a few aquaintances each year but I could never make that next step to actually be friends with them. It was very hard for me to naturally try and ask people to do stuff. Even on the rare occasions where i could manage to work that into the conversation, they would learn no one else was coming because I dont have any friends, or what I wanted to do was kinda boring (best thing I can ever think of is movies or video games) so they would say no or that they had other plans. And of course, I have never had a single instance of any one of those people I met ever asking me to do anything with them. It always had to be me to initiate it, but since im a terribly uninteresting person I never had a good thing to ask them to do. Maybe i have aspergers? I talked to a doctor about that once and they said they didnt think I did. But i cant think of any other reason something so simple is so hard for me. Its like Im missing something normal people have.
The worst part is that ive tried to give up on making friends multiple times before in my past 10 years of loneliness, but it sucks so much that I always end up trying again. And after I realized i failed again, that's the worst feeling in the world. Its almost not worth it starting over and trying, just to feel like total shit when you realized you missed another oportunity. Especially since I know im still young and wasting what should be the best years of my life.
Basically, I hate being me. Yeah, yeah i know self esteem is a big part of the problem Ive been to several therapists and made multiple internet threads about this before. But thats how I want to feel. The only thing keeping me going is that my mom has had a pretty shit life and I want to be happy for her cause she doesnt need any more drama. And also I know I'm too much of a coward to ever commit suicide so I'm in it for the long haul.
Wait this thread was supposed to be about weekends. Whoops.
