How do you feel about single parent families and absentee parents?

If you have a kid with someone and bail, and then turn around wanting to be a family man 5 years later with someone else, then fuck you, you ain't shit. And I hope your kids know you're not shit.

I try not to judge the situation cause I don't know what happened to any particular couple that conceived.

I've seen single parents hold it down regardless. Got a good friend going through that shit and he's the sole caretaker and provider.

Preface this with stating that I don't have kids. If the parent can manage it then it is fine. What I do know is that children can acclimate. Guardians or some sort of father/mother figure (other than designated caregiver/parent) in the picture that the kids can look up to over the years will greatly help in the long run.

Not a fan of shotgun weddings. Last thing a kid would need to see is how toxic and detrimental an familial atmosphere can be of two people that don't love each other but are 'only staying together for the kids'.

I believe it is generally better for a child to be raised in a stable, two-parent household. Beyond that I have really no thoughts.

I don't think about it at all.

I don't judge, especially without knowing people's situations.

I do feel bad for the kid though, that's going to be tough on them.

Edit: I feel like your title should have been different, most people are going to look at that and not the OP. :P

My father wasn't absentee, but he was married to another woman and my mom was his mistress, so I didn't see my dad other than once a week or every other week and the majority of raising me was on my mom and grandma.

Mom did a decent job despite trying to work a full time job, and grandma was getting older but did her best by me, while also taking care of my uncle who had cerebral palsy.

Kids need two parents for optimal development. Also, I really dont understand how this is such a common issue, its such a completely avoidable outcome.

The same as I feel about children born in wedlock. I don't like 'em.

What is there to say? Yea it's better if a kid has two parents there. If it's really just the mom raising the kid with some help from family that is unfortunate and probably means there's some deadbeat dad out there.

there are many situations though... maybe the dad died. So I'm not going to judge anyone.

I'm not sure what you're asking OP. What do I think of deadbeat dads? They're selfish pricks.

My ex-wife decided she didn't want to be a mom when my girls were like 6 and 2. Tried to keep her around through 10 total years of marriage, before ending it (girls were 8 and 4 at that point). She's basically "required" to pick them up after school and spend a few hours with them Mon-Thursday till I pick them up now.

I can't stand people that don't want to be a parent to their child. They're complete losers in my eye. Love my girls, took full custody of them and wouldn't have it any other way.

As far as marriage, I wish I had ended mine well before it did...she was a cancer to me and worthless as a mother as my daughters got older. She does seem to be "trying" for the time being. OP, I think it really depends on a case by case situation. You don't want a horrible person sticking around either. They aren't going to make the kid's life "better".

Heromanz said:

I mean who the fuck cares?

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Read the OP, the title isn't very accurate.

It's 2018. So long as the child is cared for who gives a shit if the parents are married?

I mean who the fuck cares?

Caspah said:

It's 2018. So long as the child is cared for who gives a shit if the parents are married?

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OP said in their first sentence that's not what they're talking about.

Tagyhag said:

Edit: I feel like your title should have been different, most people are going to look at that and not the OP. :P

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Yep, already got a couple in here. OP should really have a title change to something reflecting the absenteeism that is the central issue in OPs post.

RowdyReverb said:

Sorry, just needed to vent I guess. I'm curious how this forum feels about this issue though. I don't see it raised as often as other social issues.

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It's not raised as often because it disproportionately occurs in (and has disproportionately negative effects on) lower income populations. A lot of the US tends to take the view that the poor made their own mess and deserve to be punished in life for it.

If we are talking about preventing day one absenteeism, you would need to promote better sex ed, public access to free contraceptives, and not try and make early stage abortion as close to illegal as possible. You can't stop a single mother from trying to have a kid on her own if she wants to, but I think that most don't end up there by choice.

We could strive to promote responsibility in not-by-choice fathers, but that is going to remain the much harder fight. Men can distance themselves from unwanted pregnancies in ways that women can't for obvious reasons.

Unless I'm the parent it's not my business.

(Referring to the actual OP, not thread title)

I feel for the kids the most and then the primary caretakers who are taking care of a kid they didn't make by themselves.

I don't judge them because not knowing the other DNA contributor it could be the best option for them to not be present, but I still expect it's that much harder than having a partnership or some help.

I had my child out of wedlock (never married) and that was not an issue. Things didn't worked out between his mom and I nevertheless we are both there for him and we try to provide him with the best education and guidance. When the shit hit the fan i had moments when i just wanted to leave, but i stayed because i just love him very much and i think it was the right decision .

Having both parents raise a child is generally better for them but them being married isn't important.

I changed the title to avoid confusion OP. Let me know if you want wording adjustments.

I feel it's often a sad situation, but I don't look at the mom or child negatively.

Better than sticking with an abusive partner or continuing a toxic marriage for the "sake of the children", or because society tells you its the norm. The shotgun wedding idea is an extremely juvenile mentality.

RowdyReverb said:

I don't mean children being born to couples without a formal marriage, I think most here (myself included) would agree that is not really an issue in modern times. I'm more concerned about paternal abenteeism without some kind of attachment to the mother and it's impact on women and children. It makes me so sad when I see soon-to-be mothers at work (ob/gyn) with no support except maybe their sister or mother, and it's frustrating that women are the de facto single parents if the parents aren't together after the baby is born. Having two kids of my own, I cannot fathom how a single parent could devote the time to pursue self-improvement, education, or a career when they already have a beyond-full-time obligation. And while adoption is an option, it is also stigmatized and is doubtless a difficult emotional decision for the mother. Sometimes I even feel like a shotgun wedding would in some cases encourage paternal involvement in the raising of their children, though obviously it wouldn't be a guarantee. That's probably a bit extreme, but I feel that something should be done to hold men more accountable for their offspring.

Sorry, just needed to vent I guess. I'm curious how this forum feels about this issue though. I don't see it raised as often as other social issues.

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We are seeing the culture start to change though as far as women being the de facto parents. There are more of us guys out there who are committed to parenting, and an increasing number of mothers who don't want that responsibility. Like, I have custody of my kids, and their biological mom isn't a part of their life. I know several other guys who raised their kids as single dads. And many others who have shared custody and take an equal responsibility with parenting time. State laws are starting to catch up as people realize that both mothers and fathers have an important role to play in a child's life. Still, this continues to be the exception rather than the norm.

Single mothers have it rough for sure. It's hard, like you say, to pursue self-improvement or a career when you have the full care of a kid or multiple kids on your plate. The ones who are able to do well are typically the ones who have a strong family support system. There is a lot of help out there for single moms, depending on where you live, but I still think that it's a difficult and tiring path even with help and support.

Oh, and shotgun weddings definitely aren't the answer. The answer is teaching men that they are important in the child-rearing process. And not just as a wallet, but as a father. You don't have to be with the mother to have a strong and steady relationship with your child. You should want that, but we have done a poor job of teaching it to our sons.

The best we could do is promote sex education and family planning, as well as make contraceptives as easily accessible as possible so that people simply don't have to have kids until their ready.

Obviously that isn't happening any time soon.

As far as two-parent thing is concerned, I think the sacrifices that have to be made with a unexpected pregnancy are a much bigger problem. Stress is a much bigger deal than most people imagine, it spreads from the adult to the kid and affects development, and I can't imagine anything more stressful than taking care of a kid you didn't plan for by yourself.

I think it is possible to raise a kid by yourself comfortably, but obviously it's not something low-income families can do as easily as the more well-off.

Pizza_King said:

I feel it's often a sad situation, but I don't look at the mom or child negatively.

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The moms are often superstars. But one person is going to struggle to make the money and quality child-parent time commitment that two can make. Striving to hit that mark means that the women typically have zero personal time, which wears people down.

But I don't know how anyone can look down on a single mom putting in the effort.

kswiston said:

The moms are often superstars. But one person is going to struggle to make the money and quality child-parent time commitment that two can make. Striving to hit that mark means that the women typically have zero personal time, which wears people down.

But I don't know how anyone can look down on a single mom putting in the effort.

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Agreed.

Amazing how many people can't even read a paragraph before throwing out hot takes.

RowdyReverb said:

I don't mean children being born to couples without a formal marriage, I think most here (myself included) would agree that is not really an issue in modern times.

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From even a pragmatic standpoint I think this is still an issue. I don't really understand how you can decide to bring another life you're responsible into the world with someone else but not agree to marry them, if only for the financial/ spousal benefits. It's not an ironclad thing anymore (and that's a good and bad thing) but it's at least some level of upfront commitment.

kswiston said:

We could strive to promote responsibility in not-by-choice fathers, but that is going to remain the much harder fight. Men can distance themselves from unwanted pregnancies in ways that women can't for obvious reasons.

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Yep. Aside from future seahorse-level medical procedures or entirely test-tube grown children, the innate reality is that women bear a greater proportion of risks and responsibilities when it comes to having a kid, and there's no real way around that. Best we can do is working on reducing obstacles towards either getting rid of the fetus if it's not wanted or bringing up the kid in the best possible environment.

I don't think about it.

People make mistakes every day. Unless it affects me, I don't spend much time thinking about it. Some of these mistakes just happen to be not using a condom, or not pulling out.

But sure, as a married man with two young kids, I know that single parent life has to be tough. Having a good chunk of your paycheck taken out for child support has to be tough.

But that's life.

Verelios said:

If you have a kid with someone and bail, and then turn around wanting to be a family man 5 years later with someone else, then fuck you, you ain't shit. And I hope your kids know you're not shit.

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Exactly what my dad did, got my sisters mum pregnant ... bailed, got my mum pregnant ... bailed. He married the next woman and helped raise her 2 kids (literally the exact same ages as me & my sister) and her grandkids.

Scumbag.

I don't think shotgun weddings are the answer. Having unhappy parents is a far lot worse.
I just think that it's disgusting that it's more accepted for men to leave the child and have little to no repurcussions. If you had a child, you need to help financially. No exceptions.

Kids need 2 loving parents. They don't need to be married but they need to be there for the kid.

HellforLeather said:

Kids need two parents for optimal development. Also, I really dont understand how this is such a common issue, its such a completely avoidable outcome.

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Sex ed is terrible and ignorant in the country. It doesnt help that the US is backwards sexually and a lot of parents cant even speak to their kids about it. Unplanned pregnancy is inevitable.

Its all circumstantial but if you are someone who chooses to abandon your girl and perspective kids because you don't wanna be a dad, you are a special kind of scumbag.

People who just bail on their kids are the scum of humanity.

Even if you are no longer in a relationship with the other parent, you find a way to be there for them in any way that you can.

Landy828 said:

My ex-wife decided she didn't want to be a mom when my girls were like 6 and 2. Tried to keep her around through 10 total years of marriage, before ending it (girls were 8 and 4 at that point). She's basically "required" to pick them up after school and spend a few hours with them Mon-Thursday till I pick them up now.

I can't stand people that don't want to be a parent to their child. They're complete losers in my eye. Love my girls, took full custody of them and wouldn't have it any other way.

As far as marriage, I wish I had ended mine well before it did...she was a cancer to me and worthless as a mother as my daughters got older. She does seem to be "trying" for the time being. OP, I think it really depends on a case by case situation. You don't want a horrible person sticking around either. They aren't going to make the kid's life "better".

Spoiler

You have to love how she went on a trip to the Biltmore house with her boyfriend this past weekend, but she can't put up half the money for dance classes, or school supplies, or class pictures, or good food for them to eat when they're around her. Selfish people really piss me off.

Read the OP, the title isn't very accurate.

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My cousin's ex wife decided she didn't want to be a mother anymore, so she abdicated her parental responsibility entirely. It worked out well because she used to abuse her daughter and my cousin has excellent women role models in our family.

I've written this post twice so far and each time I explain how hard it is to be a parent, but at the end I look at my points and don't feel like defending them. I think the sterotypical absentee parent is trash. Not everyone fits the sterotype, but I've watched a lot of 16 and pregnant as well as Teen Mom. I've seen these people bounce and avoid responsibility time and time again. Each case is different, but they all share a lot of similarities. I think generalizations are only good when talking about solutions. To that end, a shot gun wedding doesn't seem to help that much. Raising children can be a crushing and stressful. It becomes more difficult with each generation. Two parents are good. A family is better. A village is best.

RowdyReverb said:

Sometimes I even feel like a shotgun wedding would in some cases encourage paternal involvement in the raising of their children, though obviously it wouldn't be a guarantee. That's probably a bit extreme, but I feel that something should be done to hold men more accountable for their offspring.

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Ahh yes, get married under duress will obviously stoke the fires of parenthood, and this goes for both men and women.

HellforLeather said:

Kids need two parents for optimal development. Also, I really dont understand how this is such a common issue, its such a completely avoidable outcome.

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The pleasure principle (desire to fuck) overriddes rational thought. Happens to everyone to varying degrees. It's common because it's a human proclivity. Not hard to understand at all.

I'm a guy from a fatherless home with 2 sisters...

My mom has done a great job but not having a father figure around has really caused alotta problems...

My best female friend has a now 12 year old daughter that she has raised with support only from her mother, father, and me. After having my own kid and seeing how much he takes out of me, I have a newfound respect for any single parent. I don't see how some people could live with themselves running away from their kids because they couldn't handle the responsibilities.

Not with the mother my child, it just didn't work and she got pregnant when we were FWB. Since my son has been born, I see him everyday after work for 3-4 hours and he sleeps over 2 days a week. He is 2 now and this all he has known, he is a happy kid and a loved one because his mother and I always show him how he is loved.

I made him a priority, there is tons of communication between his mother and I about him, and we never argue around him. I am his father, that means a lot to me and couldn't do the whole weekend father, or move away from him.

2 loving parents is required, as long as they are willing to put in the work, they will grow up as happy children.

Now that I think about it... I'm friends with quite a few single moms... they are all around my age too.

A shotgun wedding is exactly the wrong way to handle these situations. An unhappy household with two parents who hate each other and likely resent their children is not the solution.

I was raised by a single working parent, but then I did grew up in a Western EU country that helps a lot with that.

Mad props to my mom for doing it dough she is the best.