"The unaccustomed vulnerability that accompanied my illness was an unwelcomed aspect of my affliction."
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Having a debate with a colleague. Can you make sense of this sentence?
- Thread starter Deleted member 8752
- Start date
OP
OP
It's a little odd. The vulnerability isn't the thing that is unaccustomed, and referring to your illness twice using two different words is redundant and needlessly confusing.
OP
OP
It's too verbose.
I guess it makes sense if "illness" is the feeling of sickness and "affliction" is the actual disease.
I guess it makes sense if "illness" is the feeling of sickness and "affliction" is the actual disease.
Your colleague wanted to seem smart by using big words. It's a convoluted way of saying "I was ashamed about being sick" or "I was weak when sick."
Big words are meant to make a statement clearer, your colleague doesn't know how to use them so the statement became less clear.
Big words are meant to make a statement clearer, your colleague doesn't know how to use them so the statement became less clear.
It's also really difficult for us to workshop this sentence without the context of where it's being used and the tone of the overall work.
Just say it plainly, not all flowery. I bet the statement is full of sentences like this, right?
OP
OP
More like, 'I'm not used to feeling sick which makes this illness suck more'
OP
OP
How is this?
"When I was sick, I felt vulnerable which is not a feeling to which I'm accustomed."
"When I was sick, I felt vulnerable which is not a feeling to which I'm accustomed."
I think the unwelcome need not be unwelcome-d. Unwelcome by itself is an adjective and unwelcomed as a participle is acting as an adjective not verb so not sure it is needed.
"An unwelcome aspect of my affliction was vulnerability" sounds a little better to me, less passive.
Edit: eh my example is still in the passive voice.
This. I would change the last word to it at the very least.
I would also change accompanied to came with, because it makes it sound less pretentious
"When I was sick, I felt a vulnerability that no human should ever have to. I will not ever be that way again. And it is that being fragile...like a slate of glass...that makes me able to do this...to be the one who takes you out."
I summed it up I think
The first half is alright but the second half is where it loses me entirely. 'Unwelcomed' is such a bizarrely clinical word-choice here in this context. Unless this is for the monologue of a villain, I'd scrap it.
I'm not grammatically perfect but that can't be right. Something off with the comma and the "which".
OP
OP
"My illness made me feel vulnerable, which was both unfamiliar and unwelcome."
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It's word salad. Try to write more like Hemingway.
Much better except for *worst.
Much better except for *worst.
The unaccustomed posts that accompanied my threads were an unwelcomed aspect of my topics.
Reads like he edited it multiple times but couldn't do the Sophie's choice of which favorite word to kill.
"The unaccustomed vulnerability that accompanied my illness was an unwelcomed aspect of my affliction."
No need to restate what was already said.
You don't need unaccustomed & unwelcomed in the same sentence.
You don't need illness and affliction
You don't need accompanied and aspect of
No need to restate what was already said.
You don't need unaccustomed & unwelcomed in the same sentence.
You don't need illness and affliction
You don't need accompanied and aspect of
It reads like a simple sentence that he abused with MS Word's synonym feature. It's too wordy.
Dumbed down with Word: The unusual weakness that went with my illness was an unwelcomed part of my ailment.
Dumbed down with Word: The unusual weakness that went with my illness was an unwelcomed part of my ailment.