Assistance warranted, bad sentence structure of good as is|
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Not even a second passed after he landed his feet on the floor did his door swing open and the most loudest boisterous voice he'd ever imagined fill the quaint space of his bedroom.
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Sorry about coming to this late. I got distracted by Hollow Knight. Anyways I think the biggest problem is that there seems to be like three different subjects in the sentence (The feet landing on the floor, the door opening, the voice filling the room) and a sentence is supposed to only have one. Whenever you have a messy sentence you should try and think about what's the most important information you want to convey in as little words as you can and build up from there. For this, i'm gonna say the voice is the most important.
Not even a second passed after he landed his feet on the floor did his door swing open and the
most loudest boisterous voice
he'd ever imagined fill
the quaint space of his bedroom.
"The voice filled his bedroom."
That's the most important thing. Someone comes in and their voice fills the quiet room. Everything else is just set dressing to add a bit of context, descriptions, and to flare up the sentence and it's those parts that make this confusing to read. Now again, when cleanign up a muddled sentence: it's good to think about what the base sentence is about, and the same thought should be applied to the sentence additions:
1)"Not even a second passed after" implies a quick series of events
2)"He landed on his feet on the floor" This is the part throwing people off. When you read this, it comes off as the base sentence, the subject of it, the information you're trying to get across, but it's not. But since it's the first complete sentence the reader can recognize, it's what stays in their mind. And since they think this is a sentence about someone landing on their feet, when the next bit of information isn't about/complimentary to that, they get confused. Anyways, what's important here is the action.
3)"Did his door swing open" self explanatory but the 'did' is a bit of an awkward begining to phrase it.
4)"Most loudest boisterous" So 'most' implies the top of its field, and so 'most boisterous' is an okay thing to say but 'most loudest' is awkward in large part because it's redundant. We already know they're the 'most loudest' because that's what 'loudest' by itself means.
5)"He'd ever imagined"self-explanatory, but really when you get down to it, this is just to more emphasis on how loud the voice is.
6)"the quaint space of" it's a quick description of the room, even if it's just the feeling of the room.
Kay so as you can see, for this sentence, there is
a lot of extra details and most of them don't need to be there. We cut half of them and it cleans up the sentence, quite a bit. But we can't do that in one sentence because that sentence will be too cluttered so we'll do a compound sentence (two sentences joined by 'and').
"His feet landed on the floor, and a boisterous voice filled his quaint bedroom"
So a good way to very up every sentence beginning with "he" is to have an object be the subject of the sentence. In this case, I chose the feet. I also changed 'the' to 'a' cause it makes the voice less specific, more of a surprise and impersonal. 'the' implies we should already know who the voice belongs to, but they
just walked into the scene. I also got rid of 1) for kind of an artsy reason. by having 'His feet landed on the floor and....' it's kinda implying a rapid series of events by itself. Now the trick with that is to convey a sense of speed, you've gotta keep your sentences
short. The more you add on the more you're going to lose that sense of speed. I got rid of the door because I thought it muddled up the sentence a bit too much. You could start the next sentence with "The door swung open and [BLANK] walked in." You don't have to try and jam everything you want into one sentence. Actually, that's a good way to make a mess of a sentence.
Anyways I'd recommend reading up on sentence structure. The way you know if what you're reading is legit is if they use the term "independent clauses." That's where I learned a lot of this stuff even if I can never get the terms straight enough in my head to use them in a post.
