fucking LOL. get out bro. you need someone who actually works with you like a team, not be on the opposing side.
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I think I'm in an abusive relationship
- Thread starter Objektivity
- Start date
While I've never gotten to the police stage, in the past, my wife has also reacted irrationally to things in the way you've described, and went through periods of being hyper critical where I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells and had to be careful with everything I said. At that time, she wasn't sleeping a lot because we had just had our first child. I decided to work through it and to focus on making myself better, practicing mindfulness, and not getting stepped on verbally, but also knowing when it was smarter for me to just shut up and let her have a win even when she was clearly in the wrong.
This lasted for a good 4 years or so. I'm about 3 years removed from that period now, and we now have a six-year-old and a three-year-old, and we're stable and content. She realizes how much I do for her, the family, and our house, and she apologized for the admittedly abnormal behaviour that was mostly a result of feeling tired and likely a bit depressed. Of course, our relationship still isn't perfect, but it's a heck of a lot better than it was 3 years ago.
Anyway, sounds like your situation is much more serious if the police have gotten involved and if she's turned down the possibility of counseling, but just putting this story out there to say that sometimes you have to let the other person work through whatever it is they're going through and remind them that this isn't about you, but about them, and that you love them and want to be there for them and work through things together. /cheese
This lasted for a good 4 years or so. I'm about 3 years removed from that period now, and we now have a six-year-old and a three-year-old, and we're stable and content. She realizes how much I do for her, the family, and our house, and she apologized for the admittedly abnormal behaviour that was mostly a result of feeling tired and likely a bit depressed. Of course, our relationship still isn't perfect, but it's a heck of a lot better than it was 3 years ago.
Anyway, sounds like your situation is much more serious if the police have gotten involved and if she's turned down the possibility of counseling, but just putting this story out there to say that sometimes you have to let the other person work through whatever it is they're going through and remind them that this isn't about you, but about them, and that you love them and want to be there for them and work through things together. /cheese
For your kids sake, and your sanity, stop trying to find ways around getting out of this and just get out of this.
I get that you want to work things out, but start accepting the fact that more than likely you'll have to leave your relationship.
You also really need to act on your words, she doesn't get an hour, a day or any amount of time to decide. These things take time is such a cop out excuse, drastic changes require drastic measures. If she doesn't get help starting to today, LEAVE immediately. The "I promise I'll change" never happens, don't fall for it, you can't make an empty threat like saying "counseling or I go" and stay regardless of the outcome.
No, you should tell your parents an siblings. Her family is unlikely to take your side on any issue.
I don't care how much you trust the aunt. Use her to try to convince her to go to counseling, but do not clue her into anything about lawyering up. She will likely spill the beans and things could end up worse.
Don't do this. I speak from experience. I went to my ex wife's father. I knew he would understand, and he did. My ex, however, did not. Prior to that, the abuse had been emotional, but not physical. After that, she literally tried to kill me. That was the single worst day of my life and as I look back, I'm lucky I survived.
This isn't helpful.
Also you sound like a monumental pushover. Something to work on for the future.
OP
OP
I'm not. I've never been in a relationship like this.
Also you sound like a monumental pushover. Something to work on for the future.
Also you sound like a monumental pushover. Something to work on for the future.
Don't be a dick.
OP, get out and then seek therapy because it'll undoubtedly affect you.
Also you sound like a monumental pushover. Something to work on for the future.
Abuse victims aren't pushovers. They are victims. This is literally victim blaming.
it's really tough when its your first time in an abusive relationship, because you're often caught offguard and don't know better. after that,with most future relationships you can easily spot the behaviors and signals.
Bail, my man. You deserve to be treated better than that. Everyone does. Just make sure to talk things through with your kids, so they understand it's not their fault. Perhaps try to get custody if she flies off the handle that easily. With you out of the house, that anger will be directed at others in the household. Marriage counseling is nice and all, but from my family's experience, people like that don't change; they just pretend and bottle it up until something triggers their next fit. It's a judgment call of course, but I don't think people in their right mind have the capacity to utterly disrespect their partner, let alone the parent of their children. That kind of reaction is not your fault; it's because of their instability. And once you lose that trust that your partner won't crush you into the ground like some object, I dunno if it's possible to get that back. You'll always have that experience in the back of your head.
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What do you think would be the most likely outcome if her aunt gets involved?
I know you hope to find a solution to fix your relationship. It is normal in that situation. But if you step back and think, how do you think your wife would react realistically?
User Banned (5 Days): Personal attack; victim blaming.
Sounds like she's got bipolar or borderline personality disorder, and you're a doormat. Bad combo sorry
I would caution against contacting your wife's aunt, as there is no guarantee that the first person she doesn't call is your wife before you've made the preps. Vent to us a restera, we're on your side with this, no split allegiance.
Nervermind the fact that they have kids that the OP actually cares about maintaining a relationship with.
OP
OP
If you want to try that, you can try it after things are in motion. But if you tell her now it'll just give her a chance to start piling up bullshit to use against you. Document and talk to a divorce lawyer now. Follow their advice.
I don't know if taking the kids is good or bad for your legal situation, but a lawyer will. I don't know if you already have enough evidence to secure custody, but a lawyer will.
You can try to help your wife later. Right now you need to help yourself and, most importantly, your children.
That really isn't the issue here, nor is it helpful.
Yes, absolutely. You need a lawyer now. Not tomorrow. NOW.
Even if she comes to you in crisis or needs help or whatever, your first priority is to keep yourself and your family safe. Your responsibility to her left long ago when she started abusing you.
you know this actually isn't a bad idea. make sure the divorce is finalized first. Sorry OP but this sounds really bad. was it always like this or did something change?
Yeah you're ignorant af about abuse
Also you sound like a monumental pushover. Something to work on for the future.
That sucks. As a father, I sympathize completely. "You try until you can't then you try one more time."
OP, don't talk to her aunt. Even if she likes you, and may be cheering for you, you can cause more problems for yourself down the road:
- Your aunt may talk to your wife, which will make your wife be even more aggresive towards you and your children. She won't recognize there's a problem willingly.
- Even if the aunt supports you, she relies on you to take care of your wife. I don't know the situation, but she may not be willing to get herself involved in such an issue if its potentially negative for her niece.
You went to the barber, why don't you take the opportunity to make an appointment to talk to a lawyer, then delete the call from your phone?
- Your aunt may talk to your wife, which will make your wife be even more aggresive towards you and your children. She won't recognize there's a problem willingly.
- Even if the aunt supports you, she relies on you to take care of your wife. I don't know the situation, but she may not be willing to get herself involved in such an issue if its potentially negative for her niece.
You went to the barber, why don't you take the opportunity to make an appointment to talk to a lawyer, then delete the call from your phone?
As someone who's family member had to deal with something very similar:
GET OUT!
Like...
Tell her you want to work this out (if that's really what you want at this point) but it's either she agrees to counseling or you're done. Need to make her hear you and that you're serious. Fighting and being miserable together isn't a better environment for your kid(s) than being split and happy.
When things get so bad that you feel like you need to call the police and your SO refuses to seek help, it's sadly time to leave. I wish you the best OP.
She's looking for any little reason she can to be upset with you. Between all the getting angry at you and accusing you of cheating, I'd bet good money that she is, has or wants to cheat. I think a lot of her issues stem from wanting to go off and fool around but she lashes out at you to convince herself that you're shit and that you deserve whatever she feels like doing, even though she knows she's in the wrong. She wants to create a situation where she feels justified for doing what she does.
So far you haven't taken the bait and she just looks like a crazy woman with all of her ranting. But you need to get a divorce before it gets worse. For your the sake of your happiness and more importantly, your kids. It's over. She refused to go to counseling and even if she went, she'd probably half ass it. You need to get out.
OP this isn't unique to you. People with this experience are advising you. I know you want to try to reach her and make her stop but don't be naive any longer because she's been using that against for however long ago this flip began.
I don't want an update about you or the other getting violent.
I don't want an update about you or the other getting violent.
OP
OP
Doubtful.. and then you'd have more of a monetary anchor around your neck.
Bruh, come on. We're 6 pages deep.
NOTHING MAKES HER HAPPY EXCEPT SEEING YOU HURT.
OP
OP
OP
OP
Jesus... are you reading any of the responses in here?
If you were worth a damn, you'd get you and your kids out of there. Maybe later down the road, you guys can try again. But you need to take care of you and your children and do what's best for them.
edit: yeah this is starting to look like trolling.
Ego is a powerful drug. I remember my ex, while I lay there, crying and sobbing, after she mocked me for crying, telling me shit like "you know I'm really not an evil person".
Some people are just so broken, that they'll never realize that it's them causing problems.
I made the mistake, in that relationship, because I do fuck up and tend to sensitive, to admit that I'm at fault for fights that started by me being hurt. That set a paradigm for the relationship that never died, until the very end. It was like I sent her the signal that she'll always be forever right about everything.
In the end, my biggest mistake was to try and fight, everytime she took my feelings hostage, everytime she acted like I needed to earn and re-earn her love whenever I made the smallest mistakes. There's no fighting for a relationship like that, and it's the best to get out ASAP with signs like that.
It's been a very important lesson to me in my life.
Lol. Yes saddle yourself with a huge investment she's also tied into.
This is a worse idea than "let's have another kid to save our marriage."
She's berating you about getting a haircut and you think something as complex as a house is going to magically wipe that away?
Leave the relationship and take your children with you, she's programming them with a lifetime of trauma.
Shame, and the avoidance of shame is an extremely powerful motivator to be obstinate and perfectionist.
Maybe if he has a kid AND get's a house, things will work out?
Understand that this sounds so bad that it honestly sounds like trolling.
Do not do that. Jesus.