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Why did you decide to have or not have kids?
- Thread starter Dorothy Gale
- Start date
I've never wanted kids at all and married someone who feels the same way. I got a vasectomy at 22 and it was a great decision.
I enjoy spending time with my wife and I enjoy spending time by myself. Both of those would suffer greatly with kids. We also enjoy having two incomes without the worry of providing for children.
I enjoy spending time with my wife and I enjoy spending time by myself. Both of those would suffer greatly with kids. We also enjoy having two incomes without the worry of providing for children.
OP
OP
What is childfree life like? I want to aim for that lifestyle. What are the weekends like? What is spending time with your friends like?
Are there other family who asks you for favors, such as watching over their kids?
It was never really a question for me. I always wanted kids and I wouldn't have married someone who didn't. Now that I have kids I couldn't be happier.
We decided to have a kid because I like kids and my wife finally came around and wanted a kid too. After having her I can easily say it's the best decision I've ever made. She's almost 5 now and it's been by far the best time of my life. Of course it's hard but not like you hear kids can be. Dark Souls was harder.
Maybe one day if I find the right person and resources aren't an issue.
But as it stands, nope. I don't have the patience, or the desire, or the time, but most of all I don't want to see my offspring grow up, realize that the world is utter shit, and then turn around to look at me (and my wife) and say "You... you did this to us. Why?"
But as it stands, nope. I don't have the patience, or the desire, or the time, but most of all I don't want to see my offspring grow up, realize that the world is utter shit, and then turn around to look at me (and my wife) and say "You... you did this to us. Why?"
OP
OP
I knew I wanted to have kids someday, and then it happened without being planned so I just leaned into the curve. I got started fairly early in my early 20's, a lot of my friends in their mid-30's are just having kids now. It's been challenging to say the least, there have been times where I've been envious of friends without children who are able to just do so much in traveling and advancing in their careers, people who had the extra money to make investments and are now living more comfortably, I realize my life is going to be harder because of my decision but that is balanced out by knowing that my children are having ten times the childhood I ever had and I have the chance to give them everything that I wished I had, and it's hard to imagine anything more rewarding than that.
I'm just speaking for myself here, but I don't think I've ever blamed my parents for giving me life in a world that had its own share of problems when I was born.
Even at my worst points in life, I've never blamed my parents for putting me into it. If the world sucks, that's the world's fault. Not my parents' fault.
My parents adopted my brother 21 yrs ago and it cost about 25k. I paid a $158 insurance co-pay for each one if my daughters.
Edit:
American male at birth, $25k
Russian 2yr old female, 9k
Chinese 1yr old female, 4k
Sources are from 20ish years ago. My parents adopted all of them after I moved out.
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My wife just gave birth to our son two months ago. I wanted to be childless but she insisted so that was that.
1/10 do not recommend. No free time, no social life, no money, no fun. It's a complete and total lifestyle change that has all in all been a complete negative for me. I will never understand why people lie to themselves and say this is what they wanted in life as it is nothing but drudgery in reality. The momentary and fleeting seconds of joy are absolutely not worth it. Having children is nothing but a chore, frankly. I'm struggling to see why people consider this fulfilling, to be honest. I was more fulfilled by pursuing hobbies and work than I have been with my son thus far. He's a good kid and cute and doing very well but people make it out to be like this event that will alter your life in such a way that you'll be happier than ever. Honestly it seems to me that it's like saying "Oh yeah I took a second job where I don't get paid at all and have no free time and it's fantastic, completely changed my world!"
That said, raising him thus far as been simple. Way easier than people make it out to be. I expected to be constantly stressed and faced with actual difficulty but there has been none. It takes nothing but time and money, rather than any real effort or difficulty. It feels like people who say parenting is hard basically just lack any semblance of patience or have never actually done anything hard.
1/10 do not recommend. No free time, no social life, no money, no fun. It's a complete and total lifestyle change that has all in all been a complete negative for me. I will never understand why people lie to themselves and say this is what they wanted in life as it is nothing but drudgery in reality. The momentary and fleeting seconds of joy are absolutely not worth it. Having children is nothing but a chore, frankly. I'm struggling to see why people consider this fulfilling, to be honest. I was more fulfilled by pursuing hobbies and work than I have been with my son thus far. He's a good kid and cute and doing very well but people make it out to be like this event that will alter your life in such a way that you'll be happier than ever. Honestly it seems to me that it's like saying "Oh yeah I took a second job where I don't get paid at all and have no free time and it's fantastic, completely changed my world!"
That said, raising him thus far as been simple. Way easier than people make it out to be. I expected to be constantly stressed and faced with actual difficulty but there has been none. It takes nothing but time and money, rather than any real effort or difficulty. It feels like people who say parenting is hard basically just lack any semblance of patience or have never actually done anything hard.
I wanted to give him a better life than he was having. So I requested I be made his guardian and his mom agreed, so I've been raising him as my own. His mom lives in Mexico.
OP
OP
How long have you had him?
What has changed after having him? How did you have time for him, time for you and your partner, and time for yourself?
that doesn't sound very easy
We both wanted kids at some point, how they came about was unplanned though the planning did improve over time though. First kid was oops, 2nd was more planned but still a drunk moment, and I flat out refused to have a 3rd because of the relationship situation.
Having kids is a big challenge and taking care of them as a single parent is even worse. I'll admit they have pushed me to levels where I did question why I had kids, but I have a lot less of that as I've grown a lot closer with my kids and have lightened up on them when it comes to the carefree playfulness they have and enjoy. I realized I wore my strict parent hat way too much and now try to relate to why they are doing what they are doing since I was there before. Just last night, my kids took the pillow cushions off the couch and were hopping on them to avoid the "lava floor". I remember doing those things and let them have their fun, but also made sure they cleaned up after.
Having kids is a big challenge and taking care of them as a single parent is even worse. I'll admit they have pushed me to levels where I did question why I had kids, but I have a lot less of that as I've grown a lot closer with my kids and have lightened up on them when it comes to the carefree playfulness they have and enjoy. I realized I wore my strict parent hat way too much and now try to relate to why they are doing what they are doing since I was there before. Just last night, my kids took the pillow cushions off the couch and were hopping on them to avoid the "lava floor". I remember doing those things and let them have their fun, but also made sure they cleaned up after.
I've had him for about 3 years now. I work nights so while he's in school I'm asleep - by the time I wake up, I pick him up from school and do the cooking etc. It's put a heavy damper on my social life but having him around has been incredible. It's why I want a child of my own — and I'd still be taking care of him of course. Right now he's with his mom until school starts, and it's been nice having all that extra time lol but I see new attractions that open up (water slide park!) and I just imagine how much he would enjoy it lol
I've also been using a lot of dad jokes. Many eye rolls have been witnessed
The wife and I do talk about how much more money we would have without our 16 month old. At least 20k+ currently and that'll continue to increase with our second kid coming. Daycare is the biggest expense as we both work but we can afford it. We're definitely higher income so it's doable. I don't blame anyone who doesn't think they could handle it financially or rather not spend the money. We're stopping with after our second kid because if we had three kids we would have to sacrifice some retirement saving and other expenses to give them all the same treatment.
My daughter already gives me a ton of fulfillment so I'm pretty confident that two kids will be more then enough
I'm lazy and selfish. I want to do what I want, when I want to do it, and done my way. If I had a child I would just end up ignoring it most of the time and being a bad parent. I would never go to their sports games and I'd rule the household with an iron fist. They'd hate me.
I was not going to have kids because I never thought I could stomach the vomit and poop, that was the only thing scaring me away.
But I got over the sensitive stomach with age. Also having the kid further got me past those things — did not affect me when they occurred.
But I got over the sensitive stomach with age. Also having the kid further got me past those things — did not affect me when they occurred.
I clearly remember one single time raising two baby girls when the shit was so bad, I tagged out half way through the changing and my wife finished. Only once, but it is a moment forever engraved in my memory. Oh my lord it was bad.
My memory is sitting on the toilet with the flu when I was 9 and I had just filled the hallway with barf and thinking I could never ever do what my dad was doing. But I'm much chiller about this stuff now.
Still if *I'm* sick I peace out. Otherwise I don't mind my daughter's poop or vomit. I worry about not cleaning her enough or something - worry I'm doing a bad job is all. So far so good.
I've been on the fence about having kids.. or a kid. There seem to be a lot of downsides.. money, time, freedom. I don't hate kids, but I'm not a kid person, either. But.. I don't want to regret not having one when I'm older. I think I would love to have adult children when I'm older. I just don't want the headache of going through everything now. It's a really tough decision for someone in my position who doesn't either definitely want or not want kids. I'm really not sure how to make that decision.
Right now the downsides seem to outweigh the upsides. I have trouble sleeping as is, I don't know who would watch them while we are at work (we both work full time and have no family nearby).
I also don't do well with disgusting things.. so cleaning up after kids.. ugh...
Right now the downsides seem to outweigh the upsides. I have trouble sleeping as is, I don't know who would watch them while we are at work (we both work full time and have no family nearby).
I also don't do well with disgusting things.. so cleaning up after kids.. ugh...
All these people saying they don't want to bring a child to this "shitty, terrible and cruel world"...I don't get it. Do you live in some third world country to be thinking that way? Are you surrounded by war and violence everyday?
I mean, life isn't perfect yeah, but it has a lot of good moments that outweighs the bad ones...but then again, maybe being a white guy living in Canada, my life can't compare to what a lot of people have to endure by living in a shit country or being a minority.
I mean, life isn't perfect yeah, but it has a lot of good moments that outweighs the bad ones...but then again, maybe being a white guy living in Canada, my life can't compare to what a lot of people have to endure by living in a shit country or being a minority.
I lived 5 years with an ex that had a girl who was 5yo when we started dating.
I really had difficulty adapting to a child's point of view. It was giving me stress to no end. Am I doing things right etc. The kid saying, you're not my dad.
Heck, I had enough at the end. It was much energy for not a lot of love or fun in return. Hence, no, I will not have kids.
I really had difficulty adapting to a child's point of view. It was giving me stress to no end. Am I doing things right etc. The kid saying, you're not my dad.
Heck, I had enough at the end. It was much energy for not a lot of love or fun in return. Hence, no, I will not have kids.
It's funny... I thought I wanted kids as a child, adolescent and young man. When I actually reached the point of a relationship where my girlfriend was ready and willing to have kids (this has happened to me in multiple relationships now), it turns out I just didn't.
I think the amount of time + money required to invest in it just doesn't make sense. I kind of wanted them, but sacrificing a large fraction of of my life energy? I guess I don't want them THAT much. At the risk of sounding too coldly analytical: it isn't worth the cost to me.
I could see myself maybe doing it when I'm in my late 30s or even 40s but I realize that's quite old for a dad genetically (autism risk) and in terms of life timeline (You'll be in 50s when they're in adolescence?)... so it's quite possible my genetic line ends here. Fine with it, honestly.
I think the amount of time + money required to invest in it just doesn't make sense. I kind of wanted them, but sacrificing a large fraction of of my life energy? I guess I don't want them THAT much. At the risk of sounding too coldly analytical: it isn't worth the cost to me.
I could see myself maybe doing it when I'm in my late 30s or even 40s but I realize that's quite old for a dad genetically (autism risk) and in terms of life timeline (You'll be in 50s when they're in adolescence?)... so it's quite possible my genetic line ends here. Fine with it, honestly.
I had a vasectomy at 25. Haven't looked back. While I think babies are cute and I enjoy when one doesn't scream at me when I hold it, I just have never viewed myself as a parent. I grew up impoverished with a clingy mother and an angry, argumentative father.
My wife and I are also very possessive and selfish with our time and money. We love to travel and we enjoy having some disposable income and not having to really stress about finances. We spend time together and minimize stress in the home as much as we can. A child is a disruption and stressful. I commend parents, for sure. Parenting is a branch of life that I just can't invest myself in. I don't have the patience for it. I'm also perpetually worried that any child I'd have would be disabled.
My wife and I are also very possessive and selfish with our time and money. We love to travel and we enjoy having some disposable income and not having to really stress about finances. We spend time together and minimize stress in the home as much as we can. A child is a disruption and stressful. I commend parents, for sure. Parenting is a branch of life that I just can't invest myself in. I don't have the patience for it. I'm also perpetually worried that any child I'd have would be disabled.
I mean, I'm not trying to sell you on it all or anything, but the bold is definitely just, well, you. People (most, anyway) who say they enjoy their kids or the experience aren't lying to themselves. There's a lot of drudgery, no arguments there, but if you go in not wanting kids it's (understandably) going to color your experience. The no social life, no money, no fun isn't some immutable kid-state either. It does get better and you will be able to balance stuff. You're only at the 2 month mark, after all. When the kid gets a bit older and starts sleeping through the night, taking regular naps, etc. you'll be able to reclaim some of your time.
All that said, if it is as easy as you say, why is it dragging you down so much? Are you a guy, by chance? I only ask because for a lot of guys (my husband included) it was really hard to make any connection with the grub like thing that shits all the time until she was ~6 months and started developing a personality. I think it's tougher for guys in that respect for sure.
As for the "people who say parenting is hard" bit, that's pretty off base. You might be the most patient and caring and hard working person ever and sometimes the kid will be a struggle to get through every day. Just check out the parent thread for people's experiences. Not everyone gets a baby that is chill or sleeps or is perfectly healthy. I feel pretty lucky with mine as it's been generally what I expected (average difficulty), but my lovely sister got a level zero baby (zero effort needed kid) while my lovely teacher sister in law got a kid that took 3 adults working round the clock to manage the first two years. It's roulette sometimes. You just do your best. Anyway, I hope you find some satisfaction or worth in it in the future, for your own sake.
i'd rather play guitar and make music than have to change diapers and take little jimmy to soccer practice or shell out thousands of dollars on his tuition.
i think the world is going to be an even worse place in 50 years. i'd rather not burden my (non existent) kids with that life. I want to get a good girlfriend, but yeah .... no kids for me. I'm too focused on my own hobbies.
i think the world is going to be an even worse place in 50 years. i'd rather not burden my (non existent) kids with that life. I want to get a good girlfriend, but yeah .... no kids for me. I'm too focused on my own hobbies.
Your child is only two months old, of course it'll seem like a chore. Your child is depending on you to survive.
I'm not even a parent but this is one of the dumbest things I've ever read.
There's a pretty huge difference between having a child of your own and getting into a relationship in which there is already a child. It's not uncommon that when you get into a relationship with a single parent, their child will resent you because they see you as an outsider and even if there is no chance of it happening, they might still wish for their biological parents to be together.
With a child of your own, there is no such resentment. They will, most likely, look up to you and love you unconditionally. Even if they will sometimes have temper tantrums too, of course.
To be clear, I will probably never have kids myself (I'm too immature and lazy and I don't think I'd be capable of giving them the care they'd need), but your reasoning just seems kind of weird, no offense.
Even if my kid was screaming his head off for hours on end I wouldn't say it was hard. If you are one of the unlucky people who have to deal with a serious illness I would understand that as hard, but that is not the usual state of things. It's just all dull, annoying drudgery. Hard is working full time while going to college. Hard is watching a family member slowly waste away with a disease. Hard is when your boss gives you a project that is due in two months and needs a year of work, but your entire company's survival hinges on its success. Changing diapers, feeding, burping, swaddling etc etc is not hard. It's easy. It's like washing dishes. You just need two hands to do it. It's easy--it just sucks. Maybe it's different for mothers that are nursing, I could see that, and my wife complains about it, but it doesn't seem like it's challenging her that much at the same time. I could even see how it would put you in hard circumstances financially, but that is not directly the child that is difficult, it's more life being difficult. I just feel the need to vent about it because so many of my coworkers and acquaintances do nothing but complain and moan about how hard it is. One guy whines about how hard it is to take care of his kid then sleeps at his desk.
But yeah I'm a guy. I don't expect I will feel any connection with the kid until it has some sign of intelligence. I don't know how much that will matter. I'm not the type of person that gains deeper fulfillment from relationships as much as I gain fulfillment from interesting experiences. Maybe things will change. I know many friends who when they had kids it hit them like it was some kind of miracle that made their life worth living--even people who swore up and down that they never wanted kids or people that showed no interest in them. I actually like kids, so I held out some hope that it would actually hit me in a similar manner but it was not the case.
So you agree with the statement, but you think acknowledging it as reality is dumb? Ok. Believe it or not when people discuss their children with others it's very uncommon for them to state such truths. If you bring it up many people simply hand wave it away. I think it's better to acknowledge it so people actually look at things critically.
I'm sure everyone's experience is different, but not having kids does give lots of freedom.
There are times when my wife and I are talking over dinner and just can't imagine having to run kids to soccer / ballet or whatever. Kids are a big commitment and I knew from a very young age that they weren't for me.
On weekends we wake up when we want to not when kids wake us up. Our life is pretty simple, we focus on doing well at our jobs, being healthy, and doing things that make us happy both together and separately.
If we want to do something we just do it. We don't have to worry about finding a babysitter. Seeing people out at a restaurant, movie, shopping, etc with kids is just a different experience. I'm sure some people don't mind it but it just doesn't appeal to us.
As far as family stuff, I'm sure my parents would've liked grandchildren but they've known all along that I wouldn't be having kids. My siblings also don't have kids, and so really I don't spend any time around children. I'm only 28 but it's nice almost exclusively interacting with other adults to be honest.
I'm confident that I wouldn't want kids regardless of who I married, but I did get lucky to find someone who feels so similarly to myself.
Just the money and travel my partner have that we wouldn't with children is well worth it.
Think before you jump into children.
Think before you jump into children.
My girls are 3 and 1 so I don't want to claim I have as much experience as others. As for difficulties, when they are really young you don't sleep much. Your life revolves around their nap and eating schedule. Both of my girls hate baths so I get to hear a good constant scream for 10 minutes at a time several times a week. Both girls have had issues with ear infections. One got sick as a newborn and had to stay in the hospital for days.
The three year old is by far the more challenging one though. She is hard to deal with in restaurants, she is hard to put to bed and then wakes up multiple times during the night. She will test your boundaries all the time. She might melt down in public for almost no reason. Etc. From what ive heard 2 and 3 are the worst ages so I'm looking forward to getting one kid past that.
With all that said, I could easily write just as much about all of the good that comes from having kids. Yes they will take up all of your free time. Yes you will want to strangle them frequently. You will sit around wondering what you did with your time before you had kids. For me personally all that is worth it for the love and precious moments you get out of it. I have no idea what I would even be doing without them. Most of my time would be wasted.
Always wanted kids, and always wanted to experience the joy of being a child again while raising one. Wife and I have 2 kids, 1 boy 1 girl.. we hit the lottery so we stopped there even though we wanted more. We're super involved in their lives and its made my life in particular so much more enriched. Currently doing 4 sports, dance, cub and girl scouts all at the same time and I wouldn't want life any other way. We still have hobbies, we just got back from a vacation.. so having kids hasn't limited us at all. Its driven me to work harder and do more things actually.
Currently being 30 something married dude who works a lot and has kids is the single best chapter of my life, far surpassing my entire 20s where I was single and chased girls and partied hard. That was "fun" but never rewarding.
I'm going to probably cry ... a lot, when my kids are grown up :(
Currently being 30 something married dude who works a lot and has kids is the single best chapter of my life, far surpassing my entire 20s where I was single and chased girls and partied hard. That was "fun" but never rewarding.
I'm going to probably cry ... a lot, when my kids are grown up :(
You might feel different if that screaming was an every day thing. Or if you had to be the sleep deprived one. Or the one in charge 24-7. Parenting isn't easy, but it is easy to comment from an outside perspective when your own experience has been relatively smooth (as it sounds yours had so far)(congrats, seriously). For my part, I think I "have it easy" compared to many, rather than it being easy. Harder than some and nowhere near as bad as others. Neither of my girls slept properly for the first 6-7 months. My first daughter would wake 6+ times a night to breastfeed and I got maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a night in tiny chunks until I sleep trained her. My second daughter was also a crap sleeper because, as I later found out, she has a cow's milk allergy and was in such gassy pain that she'd wake 3-4 times a night and take 1-2hrs to de-gas and soothe. It was a different kind of sleep deprivation, but it was constant and I'm the stay at home parent so I couldn't just tap out. I had to care for both kids (2 under 2) even if I'd had no sleep for days. It was hard. I broke a few times because a human can't function all the time like that. If you look at my tag you'll see I work in games. I used to do crunch until my hair fell out and I dropped to 97lbs. I know what it's like to work hard. This was harder.
For the breastfeeding thing, give your wife waaaaaaay more credit. Even if she likes it, it's painful and draining, and if she doesn't (like me) it's mentally awful on top.
For the dad thing, yep. There's not much to 'connect to' at such an early age, tbh, so don't worry about it. You don't seem particularly bothered, but you mentioned the miracle thing so there's that vs. the reality that still might weight on you. It's kind of the same for many moms too, though. I'm not the homemaker type and though I wanted kids I personally roll my eyes at the whole love at first sight thing. I'd kill anyone threatening my children, but there was no teary eyed moment of gushy love. It was all practical until I started getting to know what I'd helped create. They're damned interesting, though! Just wait till your kid hits 18+ months. Way more fun and weird.
Literally fucking Goals right here, congrats man
Personally if I could get lucky and have different raced twins, that would be fucking cool, but thats eugenics talk and what not.
I have a hard time taking reaponsibility for myself. I struggle with keeping a job, finishing my studies, I'm not an easy person to be in a relationship with and I'm in and out of depressions all the time. Kids have no place in such a life honestly. Maybe one day I will sort these things out but I will never gamble with a family life before I do.
I don't want kids. I don't want to take care of another human. Plus, I am 28 now. If I had a kid now I'd be 46 by the time I could reasonably boot them out of the house. I don't want to miss out on my 30s and 40s cause I gotta take care of a child.
Well, the way my wife and I have split up the parenting at this point is that she has him in mornings until I get home from work. I get home at 6 and take him for a few minutes to give her a break, then I cook dinner and do all the chores and take him from about 10:00pm-ish to 6:00am-ish so I am the one who is up and feeds him what she's pumped throughout the day or formula. At 6:00am-ish when I feed him the last time I put him down and then go to sleep and she takes over the next time he wakes up. I give her a ton of credit for breast feeding as it is very time consuming. My wife gets to sleep for the night although she does have to wake to pump occasionally. I would say during the night from 9-6 he's down to eating about 3-4 times, but it used to be every two hours like clockwork, so it's nice that he's going for longer in between. He seems to wake up only an hour after I feed him at 6am and I feel bad that my wife can't sleep longer but I have to work and she's on maternity leave so it is what it is. This typically goes pretty smoothly in general though. In two months thus far there have only been two incidents where I completely lost it and they were when I was dead tired at about 5am groggy from a nap and he cried for an hour straight.
I'll hold on to some hope that I'll view the kid as anything but a chore for the first year of its life and try not to get too bitter about it, but it's hard to when confronted with a lifestyle change away from a circumstance in which I was extremely happy to one that has sucked most of the joy out of my life.
OP
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How do you budget for your kids' college funds, your retirement funds, making sure you're not broke?
How do you have time for the kid, time for you and your wife, and time for yourself?
How do you spend time with your friends?
When the kids move on with life and "leave the nest" and it goes back to just you and your spouse. The syndrome part is the unexpected effects of not having kids around can have on your mental health.
My in-laws have the right idea, they travel by RV to each of their kids homes and stick around for a couple weeks (we're in the four corners of the continental US) then move on, occasionally checking their home for a week or two. Great way to see the country and keep up with the kids/grandkids.