Why did you decide to have or not have kids?

I don't see myself giving up money and time for a human being that could die, get hooked up on drugs or just treat me horribly. I mean, there's too much chances that the kid will end up fucked in life and I don't trust myself enough as a mother to avoid that.

I also have never learned how to properly hold a baby, they're so squishy.

But maybe things will change one day, who knows.

My son wasn't planned, but I wouldn't trade him for anything. Having him in my life had made it infinitely better. Seeing him grow up and turn into the young man he's becoming makes me infinitely proud. Now if I can just break him of his iPad addiction.

With that said, my girlfriend and I (not his mom) don't want kids. She made her mind up years ago on that and I don't want anymore.

My wife and I have a laundry list of reasons for not having kids, but maybe the biggest one for us is that we don't know a single couple with kids who is happier now than they were before they had them. They love their kids and wouldn't trade them for the world, but there is certainly a heavy burden to bear as a result. Studies have shown that people with children are less happy than people without, especially in the US.

WaPo: Many parents will say kids made them happier. They're probably lying.

I live in the US, having kids is a nightmare with costs and no social services and there are more then enough people on the planet already. No kids for me. Plus the future looks pretty bleak for civilization.

My girlfriend and I have been hesitating a lot in the past years, mainly due to income and we weren't sure if we wanted to lose our relaxing lifestyle. But then her sister gave birth to a cute little boy nearly 2 years ago, and I guess that woke up something in us that said "wouldn't it be nice to have that too?". That, and well...we're both in our mid 30s, so we can't keep postponing kids for too long. We still haven't tried getting a kid yet, but maybe in August after we're out of condoms lol.

People with kids always complain about not having enough free time and sometimes money. Not gonna willingly subject myself to that.

snacknuts said:

My wife and I have a laundry list of reasons for not having kids, but maybe the biggest one for us is that we don't know a single couple with kids who is happier now than they were before they had them. They love their kids and wouldn't trade them for the world, but there is certainly a heavy burden to bear as a result. Studies have shown that people with children are less happy than people without, especially in the US.

WaPo: Many parents will say kids made them happier. They're probably lying.

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That's what happens when researchers are trying to prove their bias. You can always extrapolate what you want to find. Also, you could also argue that non-parents are more likely to state that they are happier than they are to justify their solitude. You can never take "studies" that rely on asking people their opinions about themselves at face value.

I'm not saying the data is wrong, just that humans are notoriously unreliable when asked personal questions.

I'll be 40 next month and I'm still single. That's why. I got about 5 years maybe to decide. I'm not going to be one of those people that has kids at 50

Everyone has them. They drop out like flies. Pop. Pop. Pop. I saw no need to add to the population. That and Antinatalism.

age

I missed the boat, now I'm working for retirement goals instead

I sowed my wild oats, hardcore, during my 20's. I was so ready to settle down in my 30's. My career was in full swing, I fell in love and got married to a wonderful woman, we had an amazing home, and everything just felt right. We didn't have a problem or care in the world.

My kids make everything in life better. If something is already amazing, they're like the cherry on top. That's how I explain it to them. Vacations, video games, painting, movies, going to the beach... hell, sitting around doing absolutely nothing. They literally make everything in my life better.

They're good kids too, which makes raising them a cakewalk. Having an amazing spouse/equal partner also makes being a parent super easy.

We thought we'd be responsible and loving parents.
Personally i always wanted to become a dad.

Anyway, we have one kid and that's it. We are extremely happy with our son and we do our very best to raise him as a responsible, open minded, interested, curious and kind person. He has a lot of cousins (we have brothers and sisters with kids) and sons and daughters of friends who he is very close with so we don't really see the need for more kids. Also, he is very much a relaxed kid who enjoys having some peace and quiet.

I do agree with some people here that some people are just horrible horrible parents. It's very sad to see bad parents and what effect that has on innocent kids.

I like having time and $$$

(if I ever have a kid it will be when I'm satisfied with my wealth, and it will be adopted)

To be quite frank my wife decided. I was never against kids, thought I'd be a better father than many, but to the last minute was very ambivalent, as you know your comfortable life will never be the same.

And well, that's true, I definitely have some new anxieties, and they're a pretty big ball and chain to any social activities you might want to partake in. Personal autonomy is way down. I also wouldn't change it for the world. They helped me mature in a way that I probably wouldn't have achieved without them. Instead I would have likely remained that young adult I was before right until my heart stopped beating. Now in a way, who wouldn't want to remain young of spirits until his end. Someone on the previous page said "you only live once, I want to do as much as what I want", which I get, but for me it's the opposite conclusion "you only live once, I want to have grown as much as I can". The XP you get from raising a kid does move you to the next level. That of a parent. When my grandfather got Alzheimer I really couldn't deal. The way my mother took care of him, I would've ran away. Now that I have kids, I feel like I'm much more equipped to also care for my parents when they need it.

NoblesseOblige said:

(if I ever have a kid it will be when I'm satisfied with my wealth, and it will be adopted)

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Is there an age requirement or can anyone apply?

snacknuts said:

My wife and I have a laundry list of reasons for not having kids, but maybe the biggest one for us is that we don't know a single couple with kids who is happier now than they were before they had them. They love their kids and wouldn't trade them for the world, but there is certainly a heavy burden to bear as a result. Studies have shown that people with children are less happy than people without, especially in the US.

WaPo: Many parents will say kids made them happier. They're probably lying.

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We always told ourselves that we should never become parents to become happier. We should be able to be happy together and provide a happy and safe home for our kid, should we ever decide to have one. At some point she asked me whether i wanted to make and raise a kod with her. I was extremely honored.
We only have one kid though and i'm not jealous at my friends who all have three kids or more and seem to be living in hell. But i seriously think it's their own fault. They weren't consistent as parents. They now yell at each other most of the time.

We are very happy though. But having a kid will bring you a lot of stress. Mainly because they're so vulnerable in the first 4 years and they can't tell you what's wrong with them when they're crying (well, they can when they're 4, haha, hopefully). And your nights will be fucked up. So that's a given.
But our kid is funny, relaxed, chill, friendly, doesn't scream all the time, etc. I think it enriched our lives in a very profound way. But that doesn't have to be the same for others. I was looking forward to becoming a dad. Maybe that has something to do with it.

I don't want to bring a person into the world that will both add to the climate catastrophe by simply existing and have to suffer through it.

Instead if I ever 'have' kids it will be via adoption/fostering - plenty of kids already on this planet that could use a parent.

The biggest thing for me was that there was no decision to make. There was no weighing of pros and cons, no careful deliberation, no nothing.

Neither of us had anything particularly problematic with our respective childhoods, we're both established in our careers, have a house in a district with a solid school system, all those boxes you'd expect to ideally check.

Only thing missing is whatever that instinct is that says "yeah, let's raise a family". Neither of us have it.

My wife and I were married for 7 years before we decided to have a kid after saying for years we'd never have one. But we did. One kid only though and that's good enough for us. I can't imagine having 2, 3, 4 kids. How can people afford that shit?

My wife and I pretty much decided to not have them.

We just don't feel the urge and we really like the life we have together. Nothing is missing.

I do not want kids.

I am lazy. I am selfish. I do not have enough money for me to feel secure let alone a kid. This would make me a horrible father.

I have also lately become more concerned with the direction of the civilization as a whole with global warming and just the general shitty politics here in the US and around the world. It has become a moral question of 'what right do I have to force someone to live in this world?' on top of all of my personal reasons.

Once you have kids you can never imagine your life without them. I have three kids with my wife and we see couples are age (mid 30's) without kids and wonder what they do with their free time. Nothing like unconditional love from a child. You either want kids or don't. It's fine either way. If you want them, you'll learn how much effort it is but the payoff is amazing.

I have zero interest in having kids in part because I was a teenager when I finally got younger siblings and being there for them growing up I learned how much I do not wish to have children. It is a massive hassle in my view.

For the things I want out of life and the things I want to do children would only ruin that not to mention I have I barely make enough for myself, I don't want to be a struggling parent. Also to be frank with myself I'm a very selfish and lazy person why the hell would I want kids?

My cat is a whole lot cheaper and easier to take care of as well.

My partner and I decided to adopt because both of our families of origin were impacted positively by adoption, and there are lots of kids all over the world without families. We figured that we should help in whatever small way we could.

Honestly I never thought I would be a good parent but I think I do alright by our kid. But it's a hell of a lot of work and I certainly wouldn't blame anyone for choosing not to be a parent. There are definitely days when I think about how much easier it would be to not have kids. But I love mine to death and I could never go back now.

snacknuts said:

My wife and I have a laundry list of reasons for not having kids, but maybe the biggest one for us is that we don't know a single couple with kids who is happier now than they were before they had them. They love their kids and wouldn't trade them for the world, but there is certainly a heavy burden to bear as a result. Studies have shown that people with children are less happy than people without, especially in the US.

WaPo: Many parents will say kids made them happier. They're probably lying.

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They should check back in on those people in 20 years. I wonder how the results would change if at all.

UraMallas said:

I do not want kids.

I am lazy. I am selfish. I do not have enough money for me to feel secure let alone a kid. This would make me a horrible father.

I have also lately become more concerned with the direction of the civilization as a whole with global warming and just the general shitty politics here in the US and around the world. It has become a moral question of 'what right do I have to force someone to live in this world?' on top of all of my personal reasons.

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I kind of understand that, but then I think of people in the past that lived in fucked up situations and still had children. Hell, even cavemen who were being devoured by mega fawna animals and living in squalor in untenable climates. Life goes on.

Decided not to have biological children because:
-Shitty genes
-Plenty of people already in this world
-World is going down the shitter
-Have health conditions that would make it really difficult to parent normally (extremely bad outdoor allergies means attending outdoor activities are out, arthritis means I couldn't hold a baby for an extended period of time)
-Barely holding it together as it is

Finances were not a consideration fwiw. We have the financial means, but really little in other means.

Because I'm not a selfish. Because fuck bringing another life into this fucked up society and current state of the world. And if I really wanted a kid and was ready for that immense responsibility, there are million(s) without parents that I could adopt right now.

My wife has always wanted kids even before I knew her. I was very indifferent about it. We now have a 1 and 1/2 year old and another one on the way.

Yes they are super expensive ($1400/month daycare) and the sleepless nights finally have subsided but will start very soon with baby number two.

I was sick the other day and the little one was running a low fever so I kept her home too. Can't describe or prepare for the feeling of your kid just snuggling up to you while you watch cartoons. We both felt miserable but it was a moment that I'll never forgot

teruterubozu said:

I kind of understand that, but then I think of people in the past that lived in fucked up situations and still had children. Hell, even cavemen who were being devoured by mega fawna animals and living in squalor in untenable climates. Life goes on.

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I know what your saying. For me 'it always has been that way' was no longer a good enough reason for me to ignore the moral implications of the decision to have children. I actually don't much like that reasoning for any situation anymore.

One day your money and material possessions may be gone or mean of little consequence to you, along with that career you've been dedicating your life to.

Raising a child well and having them in your life is one of the few things that matter in this world in my opinion. It's why I want kids.

If I would have met my wife 10yrs earlier, we would have 5-6 kids instead of just the 2.

My grandparents are Mormons. They had 6 sons. Each son married and had 5-8 kids each. Those kids are now marrying off and having a shitload of kids. The last reunion I went to had like 120+ people there, all thanks to grandma and grandpa. That was quite an amazing experience. That's a lot of love and amazing family in one spot!

Before we got married my wife and I knew we didn't want children. We also said if something where to change, we would rather adopt a child in need of a home than to add to the population. I doubt it will ever come to that though. Having our neice/nephews over for a day is the best birth control money can't buy.

It was the kids or another dog. I choose badly.

My wife and I wanted kids... up until this weekend. We had friends over who have an 18 month old son, and he just did not stop moving for 7 hours straight. We weren't even in charge of looking after him and it was utterly exhausting. So now we're kind of on the fence about the whole thing. I'm sure it would be an utter joy, but you really do need to be prepared to live for your kids, give up your hobbies and completely dedicate yourselves to them.

Dorothy Gale said:

If you're on the fence, then the answer is NO for now. Enjoy childfree life for awhile.

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Yeah, that's kind of where we landed. Sit tight for a year or so and see where we end up. We're still relatively young (30), so we have a few years yet to decide.

My parents went through a divorce and I had to deal with my sister more than either of my parents did for 11 years, all while she went untreated for depression/anxiety/ADHD. I've already had a hand in raising her and I didn't want to go through that again. Got snipped when I was 27.

I have 2 girls. Wife and I compromised. I wanted 1, she wanted 4 we agreed after the second we were done. I'm not going to lie and say I'm happier now than I was before, but I am more fulfilled. Seeing my oldest (6) make the right choices, try to make friends, and generally be a good person to those around her is a sign we're doing something right. That fulfillment is what I wanted with a kid and that's why I have no regrets. My wife is from a big family and wanted that experience too, I am from a small family and wanted to be able to focus time and resources into raising one. With two we actually hit a pretty good balance as the kids keep each other busy most of the time.

We actually looked into adopting as there were concerns we wouldn't be able to conceive (turns out that was definitely not the case, first try both times has made us SUPER careful with birth control) and it's just too expensive. A couple friends of ours ran into the same problem. Totally qualified parents, can't conceive, and would have been great willing parents but couldn't afford to adopt.

I find this discussion as excruciating as ones about veganism/meat.
Like almost everyone else in a similar situation to me always has to come up with some miserable self-deprecating excuse about how they're just selfish and hate people and love money and society is terrible and they're terrible.
Like I just don't think you should have kids unless you desire to have them. It's not like there's a shortage?
Neither one of these life choices has to be the nobler act.
Doing things that make you a GOOD parent or ally to other parents though, that's a noble act.

Bear said:

Yeah, that's kind of where we landed. Sit tight for a year or so and see where we end up. We're still relatively young (30), so we have a few years yet to decide.

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Like DG said, no need to rush into it, but having kids is kind of like being out of shape and then joining a gym. It can be painful at first and definitely exhausting, but you 'shape up' enough to deal with it and even thrive. You get used to it, and stuff that seems daunting from the outside right now becomes Tuesday.

My husband and I have two kids, a 2.5yr old and an 8 month old and he still goes to the gym 4x a week, after putting them down we get our 'adult' time from 7-11 (or however long we can/want to stay up), we split a day on the weekend where he gets 3-4hrs of free time and then I do, etc. Whenever these threads come up people without kids act like your life, your life, ceases or something. I still play video games, write, read, travel... I don't feel like we're worse off now that before kids. Hell, with all the planning I have to do concerning food, I feel like we spend less for our family of four than we did with just the two of us. Anyway, no rush, but yeah, you adjust. It ain't bad.

I have 2 kids. One is almost 3 years old and I have a 4 month old.

Finances: Two kids in daycare is around $1700 a month (Connecticut shoreline) Diapers and food I would add around another...~$400.
My wife and I have both done well and have high paying jobs so we have not had to make any sacrifices. Once my first one is out of diapers that is a big cost saving

Time wise: I've always argued this one. I still get everything in I want to do. Sure I can't always do something on a whim as I need kid coverage but I am still keeping up with my friends that are single/no kids. Just yesterday we went to a soccer game at 7pm and was tailgating from 2pm. Gaming/fire pits I'll just do once the kids are a sleep. My wife is not really a nigh person so she doesnt mind if i go out once the little ones are down.


Edit: Never let anyone pressure you into having kids at a set time. Travel or do whatever you want to do before hand. I'm 35 now and did a lot of bucket list things before the kiddos knowing I would be sacrificing some freedom for a few years.

To be perfectly honest, I was indifferent about kids in general and therefore was fully unprepared when wife got pregnant. On the other hand, I always believe that those who weather the storm are more than welcome to ride the lightning. So we did just that. We struggled and fumbled raising our kids in their early years, and now we are having a blast together, the four of us.

But yeah, parenting is not for everyone. It's a huge responsibility, and if you think you're not up for it, it's perfectly fine to err on the side of caution.

My wife wanted kids and I was okay either way. I didn't prioritize having kids, but I thought it might be nice. I was somewhat aware of what life with kids would be like, but of course it's different once you have them.

I don't regret it. My life feels more meaningful with a kid. I want to pass on what I've learned to him and watch him grow up. Financially, we're fine and can afford it. Socially, we both had to basically give up nearly all hobbies for the first 6 months or so, but they're slowly coming back. We're starting to go out again, and we're starting to have the energy to play games and stuff when we have time to ourselves.

I'd say that the change in life after you have kids is similar to the change in life after you get in a relationship. The highs are higher and the lows are lower in a way that is hard to describe to anyone who hasn't been there. Like an SO, a bad moment (or day, or week, or whatever) with your kid can make you feel absolutely horrible, but when you have a good moment, it's the best feeling in the world that you wouldn't trade for anything. Like any family member or loved one, they can really get on your nerves at times, but in the end you still love them dearly. You learn a lot about life, yourself, and your family after you have kids. It puts a lot of things into perspective and I think it made me grow up a lot, similar to how a person grows up a lot after moving out and getting a job.

My kid is still very young so right now he's pretty hard to take care of, but I think it'll get easier as he gets older and more self-sufficient. I don't think my feelings on the matter will change as he gets older, though.

Having said all that, it's definitely not for everyone, and people shouldn't be pressured to have kids for the same reason why single people shouldn't be pressured to get into a relationship. It's better to be childless/single than to be an unwilling parent/partner. The same mentality applies.

If you don't want kids, don't have them. It's totally fine not to. If you do want kids, then make sure that's really what you want before you do it, because once you have kids, it's not just about you anymore, and you can't take it back. I wouldn't judge anyone for choosing either way, because there are plenty of perfectly understandable reasons for choosing one or the other.

Dorothy Gale said:

I haven't considered this point. How has your life changed after your first born?

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See the very last line. I want kids, don't have them yet, lol. Hoping soon though.